The Finer Things in Life

One of the great shames of our unfortunate era is that amidst the horror, the suffering, the mendacity, the sheer chaos of it all, we have not found the time to appreciate perhaps the greatest political sex scandal ever to grace Our Exceptional Republic.

Let us now rectify that.

Longtime prisoners of this audience may recall our contemporary fascination with Stormy Daniels, a spunky dame who took on David Vitter in Louisiana, and whose c.v. was heavy on the v. It was a tribute to our robust democracy that a strong-willed woman, with nothing but the clothes off her backside, could aspire to one of the highest offices in the land.

And there we left her, forever emblazoned upon our fertile memory, until a week ago, when she returned for a curtain call in the national spotlight. For her service to America was not finished, her page in history not yet complete.

Stormy Daniels had fucked Donald Trump, and a universe was born.

As a Recovering Journalist, we are required here to make a few observations about tradecraft. The story remains unconfirmed, insofar as the other participant has not copped to it. But we do have on the record a 2011 interview, corroborating contemporary evidence, lie-detector tests, and an elaborate $130,000 payoff through a purpose-built shell company to an alias. We have, in short, sufficient detail to make the story very plausible, and certainly publishable.

That’s the journalistic standard. As a citizen, we have no fucking doubt.

Oh, and we also have a Stormy statement denying everything. The statement was released by Trump’s lawyer. If you’re curious what $130,000 looks like, there it is.

So. The interview. It was conducted in 2011, same year as that correspondents dinner where Obama humiliated Trump. Trump was not yet a political figure as we know him now, just a crank who would show up on Fox now and then. There were no presidential aspirations to derail, just your standard Page Six fodder, maybe a little spicier than what Trump had long been divulging to Howard Stern.

They meet at an event, sometime in 2006. He invites her to his penthouse suite for dinner. They get along well, chatting about her business and his fame. He’s enthusiastic about having her as a contestant on his game show. She excuses herself to take a pee, and when she returns, he’s spread out on the bed.

With the magazine.

It’s the annual Forbes 400 issue, the handjob for the richest people in the world. Trump’s on the cover, along with future traitors Junior and Ivanka. It’s not Time, it’s not Man of the Year, but it ain’t bad.

And she spanks him with it, a full, hearty slap that will ripple through the ages, whose echoes will not subside until the universe is no more. WHAP! Face to flesh, reflection to soul. WHAP! The ink smudges on his sweaty buttocks, the blessed union of a man and his ego. WHAP!

God, that must have felt good.

It’s poetry, really, an image that so succinctly captures the man that no other is possible, not even the golden droplets of micturating professionals. It is self-love better expressed than Narcissus himself, as if the pond took form and delivered the sweetest punishment to your misbehaving soul. Trump loves himself so much it hurts.

And because America is not worthy, not able to appreciate the grandeur of the moment amidst its downfall, there is more. There are the sharks.

We know Trump hates sharks. He tweeted as much in 2013 — two years after Stormy recounted the story of watching Shark Week with him. And yet he is drawn to them, drawn to fantasies of his own consumption, of being devoured by a force he cannot control, always hungry, never satisfied.

Trump, like us, watched Jaws at an impressionable age. You don’t forget your first time.

And that’s the purity of it all, the purity of an id unrestrained, an ego unsatisfied, a superego hanging lifeless from the rafters. It is the purity of an existence without conscience, the futility of a life unexamined. It is the abject sight of a man who cannot get what he wants, but still manages to get what he needs.

And it is fucking glorious.

28 comments:

1:13 am • Saturday • January 20, 2018

Fuck. Forgot the whole she-looked-like-his-daughter thing. There’s just too much goodness to contain in one post.

1:28 am • Saturday • January 20, 2018

@nojo: Umm, how did you forget that most horrific part that left Stephen Colbert dry-heaving into a paper bag

10:46 am • Saturday • January 20, 2018

But Trump was an adult by the time Jaws came out.

11:42 am • Saturday • January 20, 2018

Yes, “adult.”

1:57 pm • Saturday • January 20, 2018

@ManchuCandidate: 29, and coddled. Young enough. Just look at his manchild firstborn.

4:36 pm • Saturday • January 20, 2018

Seattle Womxn’s March 2.0
Holy Carrie Fisher! It looks like the crowd is as large/larger than last year…
We shut down the town!!!

9:41 am • Sunday • January 21, 2018

@nojo:
All idiots.

These guys are why “inherited” wealth is a horrible thing.

10:39 am • Sunday • January 21, 2018

Fave sign: “Grab ’em by the Midterms!”

Thousands take part in Seattle Women’s March 2.0

5:41 pm • Monday • January 22, 2018

There’s a reason that in a country where might makes right that many people view DC Dems as craven, weak, cowardly, and spineless. Today only reinforced our worst expectations, and I’ve already unloaded on the long-suffering staffs of Patty Murray and Maria Cantwell.

***************************************
Now that’s out of the way, I’d like to share some good news: For the last few months, I’ve been following the progress of Noodle, a sweet puppy that had been paralyzed by a spinal injury. I donated money to help buy a doggy wheelchair for Noodle, and she’s ready to peel out! Even better, she was adopted by two physical therapists! This is exactly the heartwarming story that we need.

6:24 pm • Monday • January 22, 2018

@¡Andrew!: I’m getting some pushback from my Facebook bitching, but it’s not like this crew has a track record of smart negotiating we can trust. Maybe that vote will play out as promised, but that promise comes from The Great Turtle. Hope they saved the receipt.

6:42 pm • Monday • January 22, 2018

@nojo: Yeah, right. The Republinazis are all shameless, compulsive liars and sadistic bullies, so promises from them have zero validity. The DC Dems just sound so pathetically stupid right now, and they’ve made the millions of us who marched over the weekend–in part demanding a resolution to the racist, Twitler-created DACA crisis–look like fools and idiots. In other words, we’re back to Democratic SOP.

9:26 pm • Monday • January 22, 2018

Though if it’s any consolation, we won’t even remember this three day shutdown blip after yet another year of non-stop outrages, self-induced crises, and FSM-only knows what kind of perverted, treasonous lunacy that the Republinazis will be staunchly defending by that point.

3:15 pm • Thursday • January 25, 2018

@ManchuCandidate: Wow, just caught the CBC and the story on Patrick Brown secks misconduct scandal. The most shocking fact is that he’s only 39. He looks like shit.

7:04 pm • Thursday • January 25, 2018

@¡Andrew!:
Nova Scotia PC leader and now a Lib Cabinet Member went down in secks flames.

Patrick is a piece of shit. His whole campaign platform was based on not saying a single thing. However, siding with the Tim’s Hortons franchisees against raising the Ontario minimum wage to $15 didn’t help. Only 9 months till the election with the hapless (I only support them because they’re less horrible than the other choices) Ontario Libs.

10:20 pm • Thursday • January 25, 2018

@¡Andrew!: Did you go this year? I almost went to the one in Olympia, but there was waaaaay too much drama. I should have come to Seattle or gone to Portland.

10:06 am • Friday • January 26, 2018

@ManchuCandidate: Yeah, and I’m expecting the other shoe to drop on Andrew Scheer any day now. His cold, dead, serial killer eyes and demeanor make Stephen Harper look like Lucille Ball. I mean, just look at this fuckkuh and tell me he doesn’t have bodies buried in his basement and neighbors prepared to testify that he was always such a nice man.

10:10 am • Friday • January 26, 2018

@JNOV: We did! I’m sorry, I should’ve called you, but we didn’t know if we were going until the last minute. This winter has been so screwy since we had to move out of our house to replace all of the flooring and then move back in. We just finished unpacking last weekend, and now we’re neck deep in some industrial strength nesting.

How’s your new place? Are you starting to feel settled in?

11:31 am • Friday • January 26, 2018

@¡Andrew!: Oh hey! No worries. I probably would have flaked. I have no desire to drive around Tacoma (will they ever finish that part of I-5?), so I’m starting to look southward to Portland to have my hair cut, etc.

The house. If I could keep trespassers from hopping the fence to get under the bridge and leaving their hypodermic needles on my lawn, I’d be better. If we make it past Feb 8th without another govt shutdown, I’ll have the guys come out and fix my chimney that’s slowly but surely being pulled away from the house by gravity.

I never thought I’d own a home, especially after being homeless. I am very, very fortunate. I also never grasped how much damn work it is. But at the end of the day, it’s fine. If I ever pay off my student loans, I might have something to leave my son.

In other news, there’s a bill in Olympia (SB 6054), to study the cost of a passenger-only ferry from Olympia to Seattle. I wrote my reps and was like, “Just study it. It would be a good thing.” See if your peeps will call their peeps about it? People are moving south of Tacoma because they’re priced out of King County. We have an Amtrak station in Centralia, but it’s crazy expensive to get to Seattle. I’d take that ferry in a heartbeat to avoid that nonsense drive around the Tacoma Dome.

2:17 pm • Friday • January 26, 2018

@JNOV: They’ve been working on the Tacoma Dome section of I-5 during every one of the nearly 18 years that I’ve lived in Seattle. It’s WSDOT’s endless hotdog.

10:18 pm • Tuesday • February 13, 2018

$130k payoff confirmed by Trump lawyer, says it was out of pocket with no Trump involvement. So generous!

9:14 am • Wednesday • February 14, 2018

Trump’s lawyer’s latest explanation for the payout is airtight, y’all.

12:45 pm • Wednesday • February 14, 2018

@mellbell: Lol-ing at David Axelrod’s response: “I feel like such a fool. My lawyer makes ME pay HIM!”

1:19 pm • Wednesday • February 14, 2018

TPM Josh makes a plausible case that the payment really went down as described, given sufficient toadyness and wealth. Also, accruing favors.

https://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/who-will-rid-me-of-this-meddlesome-stormy-the-michael-cohen-story

2:19 pm • Wednesday • February 14, 2018

@nojo: Look, if we’ve learned anything in the last 2 2/3 years, it’s that anything’s possible, but – and it pains me to say this – I’m with Chris Cillizza on this one.

2:46 pm • Wednesday • February 14, 2018

@mellbell: I feel your pain. And I’m not necessarily agreeing with Josh — my inclination remains weighted toward Bad Liar.

But! Favors! This is the second time I’ve seen that referenced to Trump this week — that his indebtedness goes beyond owing folks money, and into owing folks favors. It’s very Godfather, except that he’s on the wrong side of the exchanges. And Josh’s point is that Cohen isn’t a mere lawyer, but a multimillionaire fixer. Cohen could drop $130k on a payout, and Trump would owe him one.

That’s the plausibility of it. It’s compelling, because it fits in with what we understand about Trump psychology. Whether it explains the situation remains to be seen.

1:18 pm • Thursday • February 15, 2018

This article, comparing Donald Trump’s potential campaign law violations in 2016 to John Edwards’s acknowledged campaign law violations in 2008, would be vastly improved by replacing the word “mistress” with “Rielle Hunter” or “Hunter” since that’s, like, her name, and, you know, how the fuck are we still using the word “mistress” in reporting in 2018?

1:20 pm • Thursday • February 15, 2018

@mellbell: Just ask yourself, what’s the word for a man with whom a married person is having an affair? Oh, wait, that’s right, we don’t reduce them to a word based on their sex life. Funny how that works.

10:37 pm • Thursday • February 15, 2018

@mellbell: I’m also good with calling her “that fucking slut who got knocked up by a man whose wife was dying of cancer.” I’m just not enough of a feminist to care what that crazy bitch gets called. And he’s a fuckboy. Also an asshole.

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