How Not to Behave This 4th of July

Before everyone heads off this holiday weekend to drink copious amounts of beer, incinerate pieces of meat, and set off explosive devices that scare the shit out of dogs, all in celebration of our Founding Fathers such as John Quincy Adams signing the Declaration of Independence, your friends here at Stinque want to remind you to stay safe and to not be an asshole during the celebrations. We have a cautionary tale for you.

A Bay Area man is jailed without bond in the San Mateo County Jail, facing charges of attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon, making terrorist threats, and resisting arrest after he went nutso at a neighbor’s barbecue on Sunday. At this time it’s unclear whether he was invited to or crashed the party, but that’s beside the point.

Pedro Garcia, 32, went to a neighbor’s barbecue and starting making “inappropriate sexual comments” to a woman at the party.  The host asked Garcia to leave, at which point Garcia raised his shirt, exposing rifle ammo tucked around his waist,* and threatened to shoot everyone.

But that sort of liquor-fueled dick-waving shit could happen at a lot of barbecues. This one gets weirder…

After being kicked out of the party, Garcia returned around 6 pm, waving a machete.  A fucking machete. Because we all just have machetes sitting around our houses.

Garcia comes back to the barbecue and proceeds to swing the machete repeatedly at the host’s head while threatening to kill him.  Garcia doesn’t manage to chop off the guy’s head, but the guy did get cuts on his hands and arms in trying to defend himself, and at some point Garcia inexplicably bites the host on the back.

The local po-po (City of South San Francisco) show up and arrest him, and take him to the local holding tank at their station. When they were getting him in a squad car to go to the county jail lock up, Garcia took it upon himself to try to run away while still in handcuffs.  Police tackled him and Garcia came out of the melee with a broken arm.

So whatever wackadoodle behavior you witness or engage in this weekend, just remember that it could be worse. There could be ammo belts and machetes involved.

* Query to Fashionistas and gun-owner RedManLaw – So are ammo belts the new look for this summer and aquamarine belts are out?

[SF Examiner]



Aquamarine belts are always in fashion.

As to the rest, might I hazard a guess that drugs were somehow involved?

i own a machete. but i don’t pack at bbqs or bars. a sharp machete is the best yardwork tool you can get. you can swing it low like a scythe, high like a hatchet, saw like a saw, and even chop sizable limbs and small tree trunks like an axe. it’ll dig a good hole too. i’ve even used it to clear ice and snow off my driveway. i take it bank fishing when i have to trek through deep woods and thick brush to hack out a path or slay a serpent. it only works on unarmed humans though not the armed ones, but only at the cost of much effort and sometimes legal trouble as described above.

This would be funnier if crazy sister of Cyn weren’t in the midst of a major manic episode–I’m expecting a phone call describing a similar incident just any time now. She says she’s going to the Bahamas, so it’s just a question of whether she ends up in Guantanamo after mouthing off to TSA, or gets thrown in jail in a foreign country. I’ve taken the precaution of collecting contact info for our consulate there. Attorneys are standing by…

Were the ammo belts done in “proper” Pancho Villa style?

@Mistress Cynica: “locked up abroad” on national geographic pays pretty good i hear. what’s a year or two in a tropical jail on work release for about 20-30k? much better than a 9-5 corporate job with a mortgage payment and all this other shit. i’m thinking about getting locked up in sweden if they got enough female prison guards and then selling my story when i get out.

@Mistress Cynica: My heartfelt sympathies. It’s so hard trying to forestall and/or remedy the dreadful fixes family members get into.

@Mistress Cynica: Sorry to hear that. lynnlightfoot is right, it’s a terrible position when you can see the inevitable shit storm on the horizon and there’s only so much (or nothing) you can do. It’s like a hurricane is headed towards your house.

@lynnlightfoot: @SanFranLefty: Thanks. Just heard her doctor was able to reach her and get her to agree to come to her office tomorrow. We’ll see if Sis keeps the appointment. If not, we call the cops on her, on the doctor’s advice.

@Mistress Cynica: Oy. Sometimes 5150ing someone (or whatever the equivalent is in her state) is the best thing you can do and will literally save a life.

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