You’re Not Helping. Or Are You?

OK. So the Iowa Hawkeyes’ game this afternoon against The… Ohio State University will feature a pregame ceremony honoring Medal of Honor recipient Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta — who, fortunately, is from Iowa. Which is nice, all things considered.

All things considered, of course, except for this tripe from Iowa’s star quarterback, Ricky Stanzi:

“I don’t know how other colleges are, but when you walk around here, you’ve got people … you’ve got guys walking around in dresses and just these hippies. They’re doing nothing. There’s the Ped Mall area down there, right in the middle. Those people are going nowhere. Those people are the people who don’t like America. They always find something wrong with [America]. They’re the problem. They’re the people who need to change and figure it out. They need to get it together and work hard.”

The instareaction is, of course, annoyance. Guys walking around in silly clothes wanting to change the world MADE THIS COUNTRY GREAT. Hell: look at Ben Franklin — dude did so much for America and still had time to make frilly shirts look faaabulous.  Even on fat guys like him!

Or: how about satire? Seriously, the Buckeyes’ d-line should move from their four-point stances to a knee, in unison, and ask Ricky to marry him. He crosses the line to punch the nose tackle in the throat.  False start (5 yards).  Unsportsmanlike conduct (15 yards).  First-and-ten goes to first-and-thirty.  And Ricky gets tossed.  You’re welcome.

But having hippies get off their asses and do something? Like, say, elect Iowans who aren’t knuckledraggers like Steve King?  Ricky may have a point after all.

Anyway: big slate of college football today.  Wisconsin at Michigan in a massive Big Ten tilt.  Illinois and Northwestern will cram (literally) into Wrigley Field. Domers to the Bronx to try to salvage an awful season against Army.  Haaahvid and Yale have their clambake.  And, oh, by the way: Stanford at Cal for Big Game.  Allow this to serve as your College Football Smackthread.  Enjoy!


Damn hippies, get a haircut and stop using patchouli instead of showering!

Go Tree! It’s been raining like a motherfucker here since last night so it will be a soggy one over at the stadium on the Hayward Fault in Bezerkeley.

ADD: For CB – Tree won the Big Sail and the Big Dance this week.

@SanFranLefty: Oh! THE TREE! THE AXE! Damn. Do I want to go to the city to deal with insufferable Tree/Bear people just to see The Big Game? They do have a $1.50 Miller High Life special. I think I’ll try the Four Loko before the recall/ban hits.

@SanFranLefty: Tree swept a two-game series in hockey to take Big Freeze this week. But the Weenies beat Tree in Big Splash — men’s water polo. BOOO!

Noted: Chelsea Clinton, in her first years at Stanford, was hanging around the Water Polo team. A lot. Which is unsurprising. All those here with a case of the gay and a need to people-watch could do worse than hanging around the Water Polo team. Those fellas are riptastic.

Wow a college quarterback who’s a douchebag! Who’d have ever guessed? I thought jocks were all thoughtful, intellectually curious, scholars with nuanced opinions.

@chicago bureau: She was spotted at the law school cafe quite a bit. I think I’ve yammered about how I wanted to invite her to lunch because she was usually alone (the USSS folks don’t count).

Water polo! Someone a year ahead of me got to see her brother compete in water polo at the Sydney games!

@JNOV: She was kinda snooty, if you ask me. But you didn’t. Also.

@chicago bureau: Heh. I have no idea if she was or wasn’t snooty. I’d heard she was pretty awesome in class w/r/t holding her own when people were shitty to her. And she was there during her dad’s impeachment, so that must’ve sucked. Sometimes acting snooty is a defense mechanism that keeps people at a relatively safe distance.

Good idea! Let’s begin by removing collegiate and municipal subsidies from football. And remove the NFL’s antitrust exemption. Nothing more American than competition!

@chicago bureau: Is it the water polo team or the swim team that runs around The Farm in nothing but their speedos?

Nobody said all these guys in helmets were scholars. I’ve known a few who actually are, but there are quite a few for whom college is an afterthought.

I could give a fuck what comes out of Stanzi’s mouth so long as he helps me make my parlay today.

@SanFranLefty: Where is this Farm of which you speak? Even I’ve heard of water polo.

HA HA! Berkeley fumbles twice in first three plays. Farm (Stanford was originally one, @benedick) takes it deep in Cal turf! Good good good.

Oh, this is new: Patterson (for Tree) has been tossed. Cal started woofing pregame — teams start exchanging words, and Patterson punches a Cal player in the mouth. Sad, inexcusable, yet AWESOME at the same time.

@chicago bureau: How about penalties being imposed before the kickoff? And Stanford women’s soccer continues to be undefeated with a 3-0 victory over Uklah last night in the NCAA playoffs.

@Benedick: The Farm, one of the most beautiful college campuses in the U.S.

@chicago bureau: How about the interception on the 2 yard line by The Tree?

@chicago bureau: Holeee shit. That run. That block.

Cam Newton can’t get indicted fast enough for me for Heisman time.

@SFL: Dude — Luck looked at that safety for a split-second. I swear he said “WHAT!” before he ran for another 30 yards.

Oh, and Cam Newton ain’t getting indicted. Judges in the South care about college football.

STAN 17:0 KAL, early 2nd. All according to plan.

@chicago bureau: 24-0. That throw – that was a thing of glory. What was it, 50 yards? And straight at that receiver with two guys hanging on him.

ADD: Interception by the Tree with 2 minutes left in the half. The Bezerkeley players and fans look dejected.

31-0 at half. Andrew Luck’s throwing is AMAZING.

@SFL: This is almost too cruel. Almost.

Oh, and Tree gets the ball to start 2nd half. One long drive should seal it.

@chicago bureau: Almost.

I love that the Stanford players’ GPAs are featured along with their stats.

I wish that the network would show LSJUMB half-time show of the Marching Elmos.

@JNOV: Tree just scored again in first two minutes of second half – now 38 to 0.

Harbaugh is steadily approaching “What’s your deal?” territory. It’s a beautiful thing.

@chicago bureau: Except Kal’s coach is classier than U$C’s.

45 to 0. This is getting kind of boring.

Well, the doughnut for Cal goes by the boards. That’s too bad.

As it is, though: STAN 45:7 CAL, early 4th. All that’s left is for Harbaugh to hang the 50 on Cal. Stick a fork in it.

@chicago bureau: Hmmmm. Isn’t there some football slang for when you score 50 points? Are we the only ones who call it a nickle (which really doesn’t make sense, anyway)?

If it’s possible to shift the focus off Stanford for just a moment, Iowa and its opinionated quarterback Ricky Stanzi lost to Ohio State. Okay, back to your regularly scheduled adoration of the Vanderbilt of the west.

‘Sup, homeses? I was out in the hills getting firewood on this absolutely beautiful fall day, so I missed the games although I did catch Neil Young and Crazy Horse playing “Tonight’s the Night” in “The Year of the Horse.” It was on Ovation this afternoon after I got back.

Showered, rehydrating and enjoying a fire with the Real Jazz channel on the Dish. I guess I’ll be running Son of RML and his buddy out to the movies so they can be in the company of females. They would go watch curling if the girls were there.

@redmanlaw: Don’t dis curling within earshot of Chicago Bureau. He’s cut a man for mocking the Norwegian curling team’s pants.

@Dave H: We can revel in our Tree love because Dodger is on a 15 hour flight from China and can’t try to represent Uklah. And Nojo doesn’t give a shit enough to trash talk on behalf of the Ducks.

But Vanderbilt of the West? Heh. Uh, no. That’s like the t-shirts sold at Rice that say “Harvard: The Rice of the North” – mmmmkay. Not quite.

@Dave H: ACK! It took a lot of blood, sweat (the blood and sweat of Chinese men who were often sacrificed to dynamite blasts building the Central Pacific Railroad) and tears (Leland Jr.’s death) and guilt to make The Farm the Harvard of the West The Tree. And The Tree used to be free. No one wanted to move to CA to teach, and buildings were damaged by earthquakes during construction. Sr. died, and Jane was going broke. It also started off co-ed. Gotta love that. Respect The Tree!

Vandy/Rice/Emory are the Harvards of the South, no?

@redmanlaw: I sent you a query on FB to test your international metal geek cred. Dude was wearing leather pants at a blues festival, but played some nice jazz bass.

@JNOV: Vandy/Rice/Emory are the Harvards of the South, no?
I’m sending that to every arrogant asshole I know who went to Duke. Hahahahahaha!!

@Nabisco: Saw that. I have read about them, but never got around to listening to them. Hammerfall has a really classic Priest thing going, although I heard a ballad that was a bit on the Def Leppard side.

@JNOV: My buddy and I got to see Stanford’s collection of Muwekma Ohlone artifacts and remains in the lower floor of an anthropology building before they were repatriated and reburied by the tribe’s descendants. Stanford actually loaned us some stuff, which we shot for a lengthy story we did for the San Hose Mercury News the summer of my first year of law school on a Nikon grant project with my friend, later the AP photo bureau chief in Latin America.

@redmanlaw: That’s great to hear. Does the Smithsonian still have drawers of NDN remains?

Shortly before I left, the school placed this

@Mistress Cynica: Did you know that Puke won Above the Law’s competition for Most Douchebaggy Law School? They beat out U$C, Columbia, and Hahhhhvaaaahd.

@SanFranLefty: I’m back! I see that the Farm beat the Golden Hippies. UCLA lost earlier this week, on what I think was the smoggiest day ever in Beijing, and that’s saying something.

@Dodgerblue: Oh haaaaiiii baby, glad you’re back, now go make your move in the Scrabble game with me and baked. Then we can talks some Pac-10 smack. Golden Hippies were humiliated.

Uklah women’s soccer got spanked (I’m sure you’d want to see *THAT*) by Stanford on Friday night.

BTW are you watching the South Park rerun about the BP oil spill?

@SanFranLefty: Just made my move in Scrabble. Hey, I see Kamala Harris is ahead in the AG race, looks like her lead may hold up.

@SanFranLefty: Impressive. And well deserved.

@JNOV: I knew a Cheyenne Peace Chief in Oklahoma who was working on repatriating and burying the remains. One of his challenges was raising money to buy land for cemeteries.

@SanFranLefty: And Nojo doesn’t give a shit enough to trash talk on behalf of the Ducks.

The Fightin’ Nikes!

Then again, guess that applies to just about everyone.

(Jeezus Christ, Nojo childhood QB Norv Turner is looking old. What’s more shocking, Nojo childhood QB Norv Turner is only seven years older than Nojo.)

@SFL: Go on, @RML. Keep taking the name of curling in vain.

Haahvid attracts a lot of people who may know a lot of things, but who haven’t got the whole “winter is cold” concept down. The smart ones go to Tree.

@nojo: The USFL actually won an anti-trust lawsuit against the NFL in the 80’s. NFL was ordered to pay USFL treble damages. The damages were one whole US$ or 3 bills for all their effort. Alleged experts said that had Donald Trump not got involved in the USFL, damages would have been substantial. Judge/jurors (i forget which) felt Trump bought into USFL (New Jersey Generals) for the sole purpose of sharing in the judgement so they awarded one whole bill. USFL insiders felt Trump destroyed the league. Reggie White, Jim Kelly, and Steve Young (NFL HOFers) all played in the USFL. Jim Mora Sr made the PLAYOFFS?!…PLAYOFFS?! and even won a championship in the USFL.

@JNOV: barry switzer and the sooners used to “hang half a hundred” on folks all the time

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