Where in the World is Uruguay?

Having clicked the Secret Linque without fair warning when it was divulged to me earlier via email, and having not received a satisfactory answer to my consequent inquiry, I present this to the floor for consideration:

What’s the male equivalent of cameltoe?

Crotch shots! Woot! Here’s on of my favorites.

Oh, and, of course:

Uruguay has rings.

Hmmm… Worked in rehearsal…

SFL: How about the picture of Cristiano scratching his junk?

Oh, and Scotti is very nice, too.

@nojo: Camel nose

@JNOV: Where in the World is Joe Camel?

@nojo: Looking for me, nojo. Looking for me.

Man, their legs do not look like they’re supposed to bend like that in that picture up top. Ugh.

@nojo: @JNOV: Moose knuckle?

@JNOVjr: For your own mental health, please now leave this thread. I have bought provisions for Stinque After Dark, and I’m not responsible for anything I will soon write as the Tröegs Bros Hop Back kicks in. Yes, you’ve seen me drunk once, and yes, I wasn’t much different than I normally am, just less coordinated. But unless you want to be scarred for life, it’s time for you to go on Vent with your friends.

Love,
Mom

I enjoyed this one.

@mellbell: Heh. ‘Cept sometimes they’re more like this.

@karen marie: I cannot every repay you for that kindness! Never!

TJ/ Oh, so, hey. Here’s some more ugly food involving bacon. Probs should have had some before i started with the drink.

anywwhooo, I need ideas for meals that include food and references to the lovers of the lady bits. The L Word comes to mind. Maybe some Jennifer Beals/Flashdance thing? (The first one who calls her “exotic” gets a kick in the teeth.)

Back on topic: Here’s a candid of Cristiano. They sell cream for that…

@JNOV: I’m surprised you missed it. Glad to be of service.

@karen marie: I had no idea. Thank you again!

@JNOV: Do you mean this one?

@SanFranLefty: JOY!

The soccer hotties, they make me feel old, fat, and ugly.

Hey, wait a minute, I think I am getting some kind of an epiphany.

Do epiphanies have an expiration date?

Incredibly awesome NYT interactive graphic tracking World Cup player most discussed on FB: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/07/02/sports/soccer/facebook-worldcup.html

@Mistress Cynica: LOVE! Thank you!

Found this while reading a comparison of the Twilight saga to Mormon cult-ure. Mom dared me to post it.

@Promnight: And I’m showing you a Yellow Card.

@JNOVjr: BUT NOT ON THIS THREAD! Chakra Khan™! More beer. Hey — make some mashed potatoes, please?

@JNOV: I figured this thread would be most appropriate, considering the topic. And I told you, they always come out terrible when I make them.

@JNOVjr: Fine on all counts. I’m not paying your therapy bills.

@nojo: I was actually sincere. I genuinely had a sudden appreciation, women are bombarded with images of unattainable perfection in pulchritude, constantly, and most men are not shy about expressing appreciation openly, and seriously, Nojo, I was not being sarcastic. I’m going through the worst episode of “I am getting old, and ugly, my youthful dreams will never be fulfilled, life is getting short” than I ever have before. I have an unfulfilling, deadend job, my specialty is so narrow I have no hope of moving to another job, and changing fields at 50? I feel death looming, I tried a daring, major, life-changing venture last summer, and I was so filled with hope that I could change my life, and make it something more fulfilling, and I was so incredibly happy, for a few weeks, when there was hope, but then it crashed and burned so horribly, I have not whined here with the details of the cost of that horrid failure, its still hurting my family. And I am feeling so worthless, hopeless, and on top of that, old and ugly, that I had a sincere moment of appreciation of what its like to be a woman in a society that celebrates such an impossible ideal of what you must be to be considered an attractive, desireable woman. That was not an attack at SFL, it was a tentative venture towards mending feelings. I am sorry it was misunderstood.

Jesus. Can we have more weiner images, please?

@Promnight: I’m 51. I’m freelance. I have no health insurance. I have no retirement. I’m happy.

Quit yer yappin’.

TJ/ This is so fucked up I have to share it: Mr Cyn’s 20th high school–Church of Christ high school–reunion is this fall. The invitation said that due to complaints from some of the parents after the 10th reunion, there would be no alcohol at the event. Can you even fucking imagine a high school reunion without booze? What is the point? And who the fuck lets their parents band alcohol at their party when they’re pushing 40?
But wait, there’s more. It’s being held on 9/11. Really.
Thank you for allowing me to share my sheer amazement at the fucked-up-edness of it all. /TJ

Best links ever.

@nojo: You’re doing something that gives you satisfaction, I’m caught in the trap of security. I’d rather be in your shoes, its what I tried to do last year. But, I will stop yapping, its good of you to remind me to do so. Really, no sarcasm.

I am going to remind myself, even if its just whistling past the graveyard, that success, winning in life, is simply persevering, simply living, and finding happiness, regardless of what shit is thrown on your plate. I have it pretty good. Peace, man, god, I really hope I am not as much of an asshole as I seem to appear to be. I don’t mean to be.

@Mistress Cynica: Can you even fucking imagine a high school reunion without booze?

Tenth anniversary was at Taylor’s, the joint where Belushi conceived the Blues Brothers, more or less. Everybody got drunk. It was fun.

Twentieth anniversary was at the Eugene Hilton. Expensive cover charge. Lame room. I skipped it.

@nojo: I have yet to go to a high school reunion. Not sure why…

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: +1

@JNOV: Thirtieth was in Portland, not even worth the flight. And besides, Facebook is bringing out all the ghosts. I keep getting friended by people I haven’t talked to since Ford was president.

WCHotD TJ: Our Moment of Mailer/Updike angst is interrupted for SFL screaming

GOOOOLLLLLLLLLL, GOLLLLLLLL, GOOLLLL

/I’m watching the replay of Brasil contra Holandia on Univision and just saw Stinque Hottie Wesley Sneijder of Holland score on rival Stinque Hottie/Vincent D’Onfrio lookalike Julio Cesar, Brazil’s goalie

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: You’re welcome, sunshine. Next time I’m in El Ay, first round is on you.

@nojo: FB is the reason I didn’t go to my 20th last month – why should I go and get hassled by HS acquaintances who are born-again Jeebus freaks about not being a breeder and living among teh gheyz when they can tell me that they’re praying for me via the tubez? They gave me a raft of shit at my 10 year reunion for not yet finding a man/and/or breeding and/or finding Jeebus and/or killing the babies in my day job.

Plus it’s hotter than fucking Hades in June in Texas. Hold the reunion in October dipshits, they call it Homecoming for a reason.

@nojo: RIGHT!

@SanFranLefty: RIGHT! (Off to check your links…)

@JNOV: You hadn’t already checked them out? Waiting for a report…

/foot tapping…waiting…

@SanFranLefty: Oh, LOVE Wesley’s ears! ::nom nom nom::

@SanFranLefty: ACK! The ones in this post, YES! Weiners for all! The ones in your comment — I had to refresh my memory.

Look — you’re doing the impossible — you’re getting me interested in a sport I swore I’d never get into for some reason I’ve forgotten. For that, I thank you!

@JNOV: I suppose that Tour d’ France would be too hard for me to pull off. They’re too fucking skinny on those bikes. Eat a sandwich already, Lance.

OTOH, those soccer players can wrap those thighs around you…while you feel that crested wha-choo-call-it muscle by their hip.

@SanFranLefty: ::fans herself:: The Adonis Girdle?

@SanFranLefty: I’m easy. Can they throw me around the bed? Okay. We’re good. Yeah, don’t want to break a cyclist’s back…

@JNOV: Ears?!!!

See, that’s the thing: You don’t learn this shit hanging around dudes.

@nojo: Ears are an incredibly erogenous zone for most people. When they’re as adorable as Wesley’s, they send a signal…one exhale on them and he’ll melt.

And can we now officially declare that Stinque After Dark is underway?

@nojo: Yes, ears. Not into the woo of acupuncture, but knowing pressure points and sensitive spots and what to do with them — well…

@SanFranLefty: Jinxola!

John McCain’s mom has a Facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=30362815078#!/group.php?gid=30362815078&v=wall

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I thought she was dead. Or was that Biden’s mom?

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Is this going to kill my lady boner?

Futbol TJ back to the post:

Battle Mengele (Alemania contra Argentina) at 7 am Pacific time Saturday,

Spain v. Paraguay at 11 am PDT.

@SanFranLefty: Man, back to the sex.

So, do you remember when dudes were SMSing me pictures of their junk when I was at work? I think I was yapping about it on TCP (may she RIP).

@JNOV: SMS is so yesterday. FaceTime phone sex is where it’s at. Funny how that didn’t make it into the Apple commercial.

@nojo: Yikes! Man, I’d be toiling away in doc review hell, and I’d get a message and try to repress a scream. Did I mention ABD [redacted] waxed his balls?

@SanFranLefty: I don’t know about Biden’s mom, but I’m pretty sure Barack’s mom is dead.

@JNOV: I don’t know what that means.

@All: I finally heard something about the congressional seat that gun toting woman is running for. She’s not polling in the top three. Numero uno is Dan Quayle’s baby boy.

@SanFranLefty: Biden’s mom is dead. He told a wonderful story about her at the convention that had me tearing up, then laughing:

As a child I stuttered and she lovingly would look at me and tell me, “Joey, it’s because you’re so bright you can’t get the thoughts out quickly enough.” When I wasn’t as well-dressed as the other kids she would look at me and say, “Joey, oh, you’re so handsome, honey, you’re so handsome.” And when I got knocked down by guys bigger than me, and this is the God’s truth, she sent me back out and said, “Bloody their nose so you can walk down the street the next day!”

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I’m just thinking seeing McCain’s mom’s FB page might take the wind out of my sails, so to speak.

@JNOV: Did I mention ABD [redacted] waxed his balls?

If you did, I blacked it out. Which I’m about to do again.

Okay — so I’m going to round up some pics of counter-culture (well, what was once counter-culture) hotties and grab another beer. BRB.

@nojo: WAXED THEM! HIMSELF! At least pubic hair dental floss isn’t an issue for his wife.

Okay — these are some of my peeps. Chicks and dudes — a little something for everyone.

@Tomm: There’s someone for you…

And you gotta love Bethany Hamilton.

Does it count as After Dark if I got up too early to see Ma Nabisco off to the airport?

I must say you grrrls seem insatiable. Not that that is a bad thing, mind you.

Oh and don’t h8 on cyclists. If I could do linques on my phon, I’d show u a shot of Not Skinny Lance. ‘sides, “we” tend to have strong legs (casually lumping myself in with Men Who Pedal Mountains). You just have to work around the bony chest and impasses shoulders.

ADD: is that Laird’s ex, or the one armed wonder woman?

@Nabisco: Bethany? She was the young girl who was attacked by the shark. Arm gone. Still surfs.

@JNOV: yes. She rocks. Surfer grrrls are more than just a Beach Boy cliche. Also, wmmn rock climbers….yum.

Add: If this is skinny, then I’m Twiggy.

@Nabisco: Not to objectify you or anything, but I hope you’re longer and leaner than that.

@Nabisco: Yes. Imagine the balance needed to paddle out, pop up and balance with one arm.

@JNOV: Lance is short, that’s all I got on him.

ADD: well, that and age, higher BMI, fewer kids and, importantly, no exes.

@Nabisco: +1

@Mistress Cynica:
i went to one reunion. it was scary til i got drunk. we all wore pins with our grad pic on them for identification. at first, i would sneakingly glance at the pic tag to know who tf i was talking to. later on, i would just grab them by the lapel and hold it an inch from my eyes and exclaim, who the fuck are you? good times.
oh, and if you are attending the reunion of your SO, make pretend you know everyone. now THAT’S fun. act crushed if they don’t.

@Baked: only made one each, HS and undergrad, 20 and 25 respectively. I wouldn’t go near either one of them sober, so fortunately Ma Nabisco rarely drinks. Since I spent most of college wasted to one degree or another, nobody thought I had changed a bit.

@SanFranLefty: The Krauts don’t seem to be diving as often as the Argentines.

@Dodgerblue: The Krauts didn’t need to dive. That’s why I root for teams like Holland and Germany – they rely on teamwork and skill as opposed to 11 individual divas.

Spain needs to pull their collective head out of their ass. Paraguay is shutting them down.

What was that 90 seconds of penalty kick madness back and forth between Paraguay and Spain??

@SanFranLefty: Ma Nabisco wanted Paraguay to fail more than Argentina – something about the higher proportion of war criminals per capita, including not a few from her part of the world.

T/J: Surf’s up tomorrow in So Cal. Nojo, shall we meet at The Wedge and show off for the beach bunnies?

@Nabisco: Germany beat Argentina in the Mengele Bowl.

@Dodgerblue: I’ve never seen the word “explosive” used to describe surf. I’m sure my cousins the surfers are jonesing to be in SoCal for it.

@Dodgerblue: Not shown: Me, twenty feet below.

@Dodgerblue: My bud in TX has been following the Gulf storm. He chose not to paddle out.

@JNOV: I worked on a case involving an oil spill from a tanker off Huntington Beach, aka “Surf City,” California in 2001. The Coast Guard had to haul surfers out of the oily water. When the uniforms left, the surfers went back out.

@Dodgerblue: Yeah. I dunno. I remember the black flag days in Sandy Eggo and the surfers getting Hep B and stuff. Ugh.

Still working that angle I mentioned a little while ago. Let’s say my contact at [new organization] is wrapped up in his own shit and being a douche. He gets one more day before The Hammer™ tells him off.

@Dodgerblue: The Coast Guard was flying over the surfers at Waikiki in helicopters screaming at them to get out of the water during the (boring, nonexistent) tsunami of late February 2010. Surfers ignored them until the Coast Guard started rappeling down the ropes to get in the surfers’ faces.

@SanFranLefty: Chakra Khan™ (last time I invoke her, I promise), I love the surfer back. The stereotypical surfer mind? Well… Let’s just say I understand risk takers, and that’s not really a good thing.