The Best Part of Waking Up

MAGIC POWER! When you need to be shaky and painfully distracted.

Or, as countless households will humourously discover, the coffee that keeps you really distracted when you accidentally make a pot right before leaving for work. What? It’s coffee. It’s hard to be certain of things in the morning, before coffee.

Part of me wonders what would happen if one were to replace the C Street coffee with this. Another part wonders if there would be a detectable increase in sleazy extramarital pestorking, given the existing baseline. :)

Fuck Java!
The beverage that will leave you wired for pestorking!

When it’s time to screw: Pestorkabrew!

@al2o3cr:

Since daily life at the C Street Compound is already more hoppin’ than the mass orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut, it’s doubtful anyone would notice if they replaced the French Roast.

@Original Andrew: Right. Between fucking, watching snuff films and snacking on endangered species, who of that crowd would have time to think about coffee.

Perstorkabrew: Come Into the Office Late This Morning!
Perstorkabrew: Put a Lil’ Somethin’ In Ya!
Perstorkabrew: Give That Special Someone an Eye Opener!

It practically markets itself.

I’ve already shared rather more than I should have about certain times during rain storms and no one needs to know about when it wasn’t only the surf that was up. But there comes a time in a man’s life when the thing he needs to do more than anything else is take a piss.

@Benedick: Morning wood in the woods.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg:

Come into the office Latte this morning! Fixed!

@JNOV:

OOh, nice.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: Just don’t come in the office latte. No one likes the secret sauce in their java.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: No one wants the extra-creamy creamer.

@JNOV: Heheh.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: I guess if you ate vanilla beans the night before, it could be pleasant…

@JNOV: Heh
@JNOV: @JNOV: Hey, I’m trying to take my coffee black this morning!

@Nabisco: Blech! Why? And you were totally right about that guitar guy from the bus.

@JNOV: Now that I think about it, this Vietnamese coffee does taste, um, creamy. Fortunately, the label assures me that it is merely butter.

ADD: @JNOV: You know what they say about “once you go [with] black [coffee]”. Oh and guitar dude? Oldest tune in the fakebook.

@Nabisco: Butter in coffee? Uh. Is it good? (I’m all out of milk.)

While we’re on a somewhat coffee-related kick, I *highly* recommend cold-extraction over plain brewing. I got a Toddy setup a while back after work moved away from the cafe that made it locally, and it is THE way to catch a caffeine buzz in a hurry.

But fuck the directions – drink the stuff straight out of the filter, not diluted with three parts water. Sure, it looks like motor oil – but it’s *tasty*! :)

@al2o3cr: What’s this now? It is hot?

@al2o3cr: All that shit is for assholes. Real caffeine freaks just bust open a jar of instant coffee in the aisle of the supermarket and eat two big mouthfuls of crystals, toss it aside and light up a cigarette to enjoy on their way out and back to their car.

@FlyingChainSaw: Sooooo…I have a story about Mormons and coffee…

@JNOV: Worthy Mormons are not allowed to drink caffeinated coffee or tea, although some drink Coke and Pepsi. O_o I’m still not clear on why that’s okay.

Anyway, they have this thing called The Word of Wisdom, a revelation by Joseph Smith, Jr. about dietary restrictions, blah, blah, blah.

The mother of one of my friends from the exmo board used to give herself coffee enemas. She had no idea that she was breaking the WoW and totally addicted to caffeine. Every.Single.Morning. she filled the enema bag with coffee and told her eighty milliondy kids to leave her the fuck alone while she had her toilet.

My friend’s subject line for her BB post: The Best Part of Waking Up is Folger’s Up Your Butt!

@JNOV: Did she fuck like a weasel after that? You know, pounce on the post man and sit on his face in the drive way and stuff?

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: Or better yet: Pestorkajava!

@JNOV: If she really wanted to explore the frontiers of caffeine ultrabadness she would have stood on her head and emptied whole jars of instant coffee into her asshole.

@JNOV: haha.

Along with alcohol the followers of the angel Moroni, aka Morons, were not allowed to drink caffeinated beverages. Period. For eons. (I was told this while working in SLC home of the giant temple in shape of an ashtray) SLC (not to be confused with FCS) was once famous for its ice-cream parlors where saints would go of a Saturday afternoon in June to imbibe strawberry floats and check out the boys. However, when the church became one of the chief western distributors of Coke the prophets got together and thunk deep thoughts. They realized that what John Smith really truly meant was that you should not drink HOT caffeinated bevvies but that Coke was totally fine. Then the handcarts came over the mounting and they looked on Deseret and it truly was the promised land those Moron boys is hot the end.

@JNOV: Speaking of the “extra creamy creamer,” I have to tell this story about a co-worker, one of the support staff, she has no title, she is the secretary-admin assistant to the president, also does the typing for 3 of us, and also covers receptionist-phone duties when the receptionist is on break. She is a 60-year old widow, and well, I am sorry, but her manner is just nasty. She’s not a bad person, she likes me and we get along, but she is just congenitally rude, just rude. Always, to everyone, and she loves to get in fights and arguments on the phone with any contractors or service providers we are dealing with, she is the toughest of tough, critical, rude customers to people we do business with. She doesn’t say “please,” “thank you” or “you’re welcome” to anyone, if you say good morning, or thank you, to her, she just grunts at you.

Now here is the crux of the story, she calls in our lunch orders to a local deli that delivers, and she is as nasty to them as to anyone. And every so often, they will forget something, the delivery comes, and they forgot a pickle, a side of slaw, something like that, and every time, she gets on the phone and raises hell, and has demanded, for example, that they send out a second delivery person to deliver a fucking mini-bag of chips. Now also, she has an antagonistic relationship with the usual delivery guy, who is an algerian-french immigrant, he’s not algerian, he’s from colonial french people who settled in Algeria. He is a neat guy, he speaks 5 languages, I practice my french on him every day, and he loves me for it, he appreciates the american who appreciates the french. She hates him, and openly makes nasty comments about the French as a people to him, gives him the hardest time.

For years now, I wonder just how much spit and jizz winds up in her food, and just yesterday, Monday, she raised holy hell, made them send out a second delivery person, because they forgot her CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP.

Seriously, would any sane, intelligent person, give shit to the people who are preparing and delivering your cream of mushroom soup?

@JNOV: It actually is very good. Nothing better than a good Vietnamese drip coffee.

@FlyingChainSaw: I kinda sorta do this, Saw. Carry a jar of instant with me when I go upcountry, mix it in my water bottle with giardia laced tapwater and guzzle a half a liter before I can leave my bunk.

@FlyingChainSaw: In the store aisle no less.

@Nabisco: Vietnamese drip coffee is good because they learned their stuff from the french.

@FlyingChainSaw: Ah, um, er…

@Promnight: Tenez-vous le mayo!

@Benedick: You know the lingo and the history. Yup. Hot drinks and iced-tea are verboten. Their rules are pretty weird.

@Promnight: Haha! She has it cumming to her.

@Benedick: +1

@Nabisco: I wanted backpacker sun tea this weekend (throw a couple of tea bags in a liter water bottle, add 4 tsp suger, drink greedily at the next stop) but I could not find my tea, then my sugar went missing in that big ass pack of mine. Settled for Gatorade G2 powdered drank for my iodine treated water. Must have burned through a couple dozen of those little tabs.

@redmanlaw: Yah, the Gatorade helps cut the flava of those iodine tabs – someone gifted me these little crystal packs of Kool-Aid type stuff that I sometimes throw in, makes a good mixer in a pinch with vodka, as well. I’ve got an ancient Nalgene that is stained a faint brown by iodine, I carry chlorine tabs now. The water here is mostly good, I drink liberally from the city tapwater, slightly more careful upcountry than I what I hinted at in the above comment.