Murder on the Oscar Express

Dear gawd, there are enough Best Picture nominees this year to fill an Agatha Christie novel, and nine of them are heading straight for the Death Montage. Instead of announcing the winner, could Christoph Waltz pick off the losers one by one? Because that would be cool.

But instead of the Grand Guignolian delights of a Tarantino-produced ceremony, we’re stuck with the one we have, so let’s raise the flaming curtain on our Open Thread/Twist Ending. If you’re not watching in 3-D, you’re not drinking enough.


It’s 5 PM, and the drinking has commenced Chez Dodger. My wife and daughter found a laser pointer, the better to criticize what people are wearing.

Finally! There has been So. Much. Ugly. on the red carpet. Charlize Theron, SJP, JLo in Armani that makes her butt look huge, Diane Kruger. Sandra Bullock in a decent dress but tragic lipstick.

Ladies and Gentlemen, former Oscar host Whoopi Goldberg for women’s diapers.

Speaking of Poise, Miley Cyrus could use some.

@nojo: You can take the white trash out of the trailer park but…

J.Lo looked cute in that dress.

And Kate Winslet can do no wrong. I have had a crush on her since Sense and Sensibility.

And Christopher Plummer and Helen Mirren – English adorable!

And the black chick who is the interviewer (Sherri Shephard?) – could her interview with George Clooney be any more awkward?

@Dodgerblue: Okay, that is BRILLIANT by the Ladies of Chez Dodger. Our laser pointer is usually used to entertain the neighbor’s cat, thank you for the tip on a better way to use it.

Was it just me, or was Meryl still in her Palm Springs bathrobe?

Oh, and Queen Latifah? The lavender looks FAB on her.

Jeff Bridges has to win Best Actor. It will be an apology for ignoring him for his brilliant work as The Dude.

Neil Patrick Harris FTW!

I’m such a sucker for an orchestra on risers.

Steve Martin references The Jerk. Brilliant.

Which reminds me, they played a half-hour of Dean Martin on the radio today.

Bruce Vilanch must have been very busy last week.

Woody wasn’t nominated for 2012?

oh i hate penelope’s dress. it looks loke she had an accident and her right boob was involved.

when i gtow up, i wanna be helen mirrin.

I like J Lo’s butt and thought it looked good in her dress. So sue me.


@baked: When I grow up, I want to be in an accident involving either of Penelope’s boobs.

Update: only feed on AsiaSat is WorldSport on SeeEnEn, a depressing update about “progress” in Cambodia, and some arabic scrawl under Riz Khan on AlJizz.

Oh look – cricket!

I don’t normally watch this show, but who is that sitting to George Clooney’s right? I WANT HER DRESS! (Not that I normally wear dresses or anything like that either.) She looks like a walking (well, sitting) red rose.

ADD: Bloomberg “news” just had an insightful report on how an Oscar nomination does not necessarily translate into higher profits. Avatar v. Hurt Locker, natch – which is why the Academy will go Hurt tonight.

@Dodgerblue: @SanFranLefty: Perhaps this was just an unfortunate angle.
@baked: Mirren is perfection. And I am not a fan of the asymmetrical bust line. Never flattering.

@JNOV: That’s George’s Italian lover de jour, the awkward interview I referenced was Sherry Shephard asking George about his commitment issues and inviting him to bed in front of Elisabetta. George said, “You’re lucky she doesn’t speak English, otherwise she’d cut you with her stiletto.”

Ahh, here we go – morning Kiana hardbody workouts on ESPN. Just what I need while I eat my cornflakes.

@JNOV: Vera Farmiga, given your description of the dress. Although his gf is also wearing red.

Hey, Dave is interviewing Mittens at 7:30 AM subcontinental time. I didn’t know this was possible.

@SanFranLefty: I think his GF is on his left?

@Mistress Cynica: Yeah. That’s her.

That stage prop looks like it was imported from the Soviet Union.

@Nabisco: Last Tuesday’s show? You should also have Jay & Talibunny soon.

@nojo: Just saw Up the other day. LOVED IT! But I’m a dog freak. So of course the talking dogs had my head exploding. And yeaaa for the geeks from Pixar in Emeryville.

I think Best Supporting Actor means Tarantino will be shut out the rest of the night.

@SanFranLefty: The movie as a whole I could take or leave, but the dogs are sheer genius.

I’m assuming Colin Ferrel was dubbed, b/c I’ve never understood a word that man has said. Or maybe people don’t have accents when they sing.

last year i remember setting my alarm for an ungodly hour to watch with you kids. the sun was coming up when it ended. so glad to be on EST!

JNOV i’ve been trying to reach you for 2 days!!!

@baked: On Skype? I can’t remember the last time I was on. All I know is that I was trying to call you.

ADD: My firewall and Skype hate each other. I’ve pretty much given up on Skype until I can figure out how to make my firewall stop goofing it up.

this might win for the most boring 1st hour of the oscars in history.

@baked: You’re on the US ‘Merikah mainland tonight? Are you loving on your adorable grandson? You are no doubt the hottest and most fun Bube ever…

Alec Baldwin is such an asshole.

But Robert Downey, Jr. is my heart!

They dis Tarantino and the Coens? Foul!

i was supposed to be there now, but they both (dad and bakette) had emergency company (???) and i’ll be there 1st week in april.
i’m in provo.

@Mistress Cynica: Not a flattering angle at all. Looks like she’s got the OED in there.

Molly looks waaaay strung the fuck out.

You have ten seconds to come up with a Molly Ringwald joke.

@baked: Quentin can be a crapshoot, but Basterds was all about the writing.

Goddamn! Do I look that old?

I love the joke about the mother lode of Jews.

is this a toga party or what?

@SanFranLefty: I thought The Last Station was a finely crafted film and Plummer did a very credible job of playing Tolstoy as a plutocrat, author and cult figure torn between his ideology and his family. But in the the middle of the movie, oh, gosh, Helen Mirren is crying and I’m just at a loss trying to regain any sympathy for his character. Did you see that? That asshole made Helen Mirren cry!

Oh great, another Pixar midlife-crisis movie.

John Hughes tribute!! Waterworks here from the ’80s kid. Ally Sheedy still too cool for school.

@FlyingChainSaw: Want to see it.

Speaking of shorts into longs, 9 is very intriguing. No, not District 9. No, not Nine. The other one.

adorable…if they’re heading to a prom afterwards.
btw, who the fuck are they?

@nojo: I saw 9 as a short — but not the movie.

He stole that shirt from the toys/posters dude from Antiques Roadshow.

Fucking politics. Give it to Nick Park!

@baked: Star of Avatar and . . . fuck if I know.

@Dodgerblue: The short’s on the DVD. They did a very good job expanding it.

@nojo: perhaps Best Screenplay is the consolation prize this year?

I am waiting for how long it takes to show the clips from ten fucking best picture nominees, gee, did we nominate everything just to boost box office?

@SanFranLefty: Ally sheedy with no face work and little makeup, was the hottest one of them.

i’m waiting for the death montage.

I’ve seen the extra about the Spock ears. They worked really hard.

@Promnight: We nominated everything to boost ratings, not box office. And we ditched the musical performances to make room.

I’d gonna say it, Basterds, was one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen. Ballsy, yet you buy it, while you are watching it.

“Roger Corman and Lauren Bacall”. I’ve waited my whole life to hear that.

my keys are sticking dammit. my commentary may be over
need new keyboard

Last night I dreamed that I was having dinner with HRM Queen Elizabeth, and cooking the dinner, too, and all the ingredients failed to arrive, and then, in the middle of the ruined dinner, one of my fillings fell out, and my mouth was full of blood, and Queen eElizabeth was coming on to me, but I could not kiss her because my mouth was full of blood. True story.

@Promnight: I somehow made it to the Basterds DVD without knowing the ending, and then I thought, You fucker! You got away with it!

@baked: Ninety minutes in, and I’m really missing the musical numbers. Doesn’t matter whether they’re any good; they add texture.

1969: Second man to walk on the moon.

2010: Dancing With the Stars.

Ten-year-old Nojo doesn’t know what’s coming.

@nojo: That was my feeling, the premise, of the end, so completely unbeleivable, yet as it happens, you are completely OK with it. You know, undergrad drama, the suspension of disbelief, this was a total feat, it should not have been possible to have the audience buy it, its a subject so emotional, so well known, so impossible for someone to buy into such a beautiful, but totally outlandish and unbeleivable alternate history, but I did, and I am a hard sell.

sigurney’s toga looks like a tablecloth.


2` hours and 10 min. not one wower dress.

damm…i missed charlene. was she fabulous?

@nojo: I read a review of basterds, which pointed out that the movie largely consists of 5 poker hands, 5 intense dialogue scenes, all taking place around a table, with the people at the table, playing a game of lies and bluffs and calling bluffs, every single one of these scenes, maybe some of the best, most intense dialogue scenes I have ever seen, and all but two, I believe, driven by that dude who won best supporting actor.

the coens can do no wrong, also tarantino.

@baked: Horrid dress. Worse boob treatment of the night, including Penelope. Who had the consolation of Javier Bardem as accessory.

@Promnight: I had a conversation with Silent Creative Partner about that: You can stretch a dialogue scene for a half-fucking-hour, as long as you have some kind of dread looming over it. Quentin pulls that move over and over in Basterds, and it works every time.

@nojo: Poker hand, man, you are wondering, how much does this one know, how much does that one know about what this one knows, will this one be able to pull off the bluff, its poker.

Hey, its Tarantino, its pulp, but its masterful pulp.

But its really the actors, in that movie, oh, you can play a dialogue scene for a half hour, as long as there is suspense, but, the better the actors, the more nuanced, subtle, achingly suspenseful, the playing out of the scene is, and those people in that movie, were fucking superb, all of them, fucking superb.

Sweet Baby James, what the fuck?!?!

@nojo: @Promnight: Totes d’accord. Forgot about Basterds, did that brilliantly creepy dude win best supporting?

Sounds like it is a toga-themed outfit review, plus J-Lo’s butt (which is always magnífico, altho Ma Nabisco never agrees) and Penelope’s bust.

@JNOV: I had total radio silence from you until checked my FB updates on my phone this AM, but Baked seems to be on Skype no matter how weird the hour is.

@Nabisco: Indeed he did. And he sounds exactly the same out of character as in.

Is my Internet working again yet? No? Well, death montages and pointless dance seqences suck.

They gave the documentary guy a nice long time to go berserk, thats nice.

My biggest criticism of the Oscar show, over the years, after Nilly Cristol, is the thing the last 2 years about cutting everyone off so quick, it was wrong, let them go, its the only real thing about the night.

@Mistress Cynica:
“Who had the consolation of Javier Bardem as accessory.”

You make that sound like a bad thing.

(pant, pant, pant)

Hooooooooo-la el guapo Javier!

I think we need more trains and philosophy majors in the United States of ‘Merkah – how else can we compete with the angst-ridden Argentinians for best foreign movie?

Vive Argentina!

Oh, and Javier Bardem speaks el Espanol! Slobber! Pant!

My hero, Tim Goodman the TeeVee critic of the Ess Eff Chronic, is live blogging this shit

No love for “Zombieland”? What is this crap?

I’m loving Steve Martin (great autobiography a year or two ago) and Jack Dongahy.

I still think “Hurt Locker” was not that great. “They Were Expendable” – now that’s a war movie.

On spring break with Son of RML this week. We may make it to Avatar, but we also have a JP wedding, pike fishing, skiing, Repo Man (OG), some school and work stuff on the docket this week.

Passing iPhone-encumbered thought: Why can’t actors read lines at awards shows?

Who was that, verbally blowing George Clooney, and what was that thing she was wearing?

Colin Firth!!! OMFG my beating heart!!

And Morgan – please read the phone book to me now!

@nojo: Oh, we seem to be connected again. That blue tail works wonders!

That clip of Avatar makes me 10 times more committed to the idea that I really have no interest in seeing it.

Why was this the wedding toast segment?

@Promnight: Don’t tell JNOV that. And it’s Vera Farmiga, Clooney’s co-star in Up in the Air.

The DUDE finally ABIDES and WINS!!!!

Son of Sea Hunt!

Shot in Santa Fe, btw.

I would so gay marry Jeff Bridges.

@Promnight: The more efficient these shows get, the less interesting.

Oh, there’s my iPad again!

Mrs RML saw Maggie G eating ice cream with her little girl when they was shooting the Dude’s movie in SF last summer.

And now for Best Picture – it’s Crash again!!

Uma, Oprah; Oprah, Uma.

I guess I was the only one who thought that was funny.

Sandra’s lipstick is hurting my eyes. Blind Side, indeed.

@nojo: “Efficiency” is probably the most vastly overrated value in our society.

@redmanlaw: will someday. I read the New Yorker article

@Promnight: They shot time motion studies before airtime.

Her hubby’s ex is some pron queen.

Hat trick!

I’ve been periodically checking back here while playing canasta (I’m officially old) and, on balance, I’m still glad I threw out my TV. I’m sure you kids will let me know tomorrow who won.

Roger Ebert called every one of the major awards so far correctly, through his voice machine, the poor dude. If Basterds wins, he sweeps all of the big ones, in his predictions.

Bringing out Babs says to me, Hurt Locker wins Director.

@Promnight: I heart Ebert, and I was reminded how much I heart Sandra Bullock. Girlfriend wasn’t smug enough to avoid collecting her Razzy yesterday, goddess bless her.

/still think Gabby or Meryl should have won

@Promnight: You would think that, but supposedly the producers don’t know.

@Promnight: Its all been amazingly predictable, thus far, Basterds would be the only non-obvious choice.

After that build-up, I sorta wanted Cameron to win…

About fucking time a Vagina-American wins Best Director!

Again . . . the movie was not that great. But, fuck, she did some work on the triceps in the gym.

@mellbell: Haven’t even seen the movie. It’s next in my Netflix Queue.

Okay, way to not build it up, Tom Hanks…

@SanFranLefty: Son of RML and I agree that the cinematography was great.

@SanFranLefty: Not Tom’s fault, but yes, that was a whiplash presentation.

@SanFranLefty: It’s bad enough that a digital movie got production design.

@SanFranLefty: Hope your never on a jury judging me.

@SanFranLefty: WTF was that?Don’t even read the nominees?Was he drunk?
A least James Cameron didn’t win so I’m happy.

Is that the Star Wars theme I hear now?

I lurve living in the Kah-leee-fornya time zone if nothing else than for the LIVE Oscars (as opposed to the not-live Olympics in Vancouver). It’s only 9 pm, y’all! Plenty of time for Iron Chef, Mythbusters, or early bedtime! hurrah!

@SanFranLefty: Perhaps. It’s definitely a medley.

@Mistress Cynica: He did give us the original Terminator, one of the great sci-fi/dude movies of all time.

@SanFranLefty: On Sunday? It’s storming bigtime here. We’ll be up on the mountain on Weds when this this clears and we have powder in March.

All told, my favorite part was Sandy Bullock’s speech.

And yes, I can’t believe I just typed that.

@redmanlaw: Yes, but to quote Ms. Jackson, “What have you done for me lately?”

@mellbell: I din say Avatar shoulda won.

And that Mr RML if you’re nasty.

@SanFranLefty: Honey, I NEVER meant to imply anything about Javier is bad. I can watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona all day.
@Original Andrew: Sandy was funny, but it is true that dark red lipstick is aging. I’m going to throw mine out now.
I would have loved to see Gaby win. Crying while Oprah was talking about her made me kvell.

@redmanlaw: See now, throughout the length of Bridges’ movie, I thought to myself “sure, watching Maggie G eating an ice cream cone would be fine, but does she really have to show that cute smirk of hers so early, and so often?”

@karen marie: Ya know, I learned to play canasta when I was about 12, pinochle too. Wish I still remembered how.

@SanFranLefty: That and your obvious lurv for Javier Bardem make you that much more similar to Ma Nabisco – or perhaps all women.

Someone called me a chauvinist on FB for saying Hurt Locker wasn’t that great. Since that’s the last thing I am, I unfriended her ass. She also lied to me when I was trying to hire a communications director for something, so here’s the heave ho.

@redmanlaw: I liked “Hurt” because I identify with a much lower level of attracted-to-stress, which she brought out really well. The only thing I really didn’t like was the total d-bag character of the shrink/doc. Sure, make the point that he’s a pointy headed Yalie and never been in battle, but setting him up for such an obvious exit? Even the original Star Trek series could handle the expendable walk on character without overplaying the character.

@Nabisco: Hurt Locker was too romantic for my taste and while the technicals were all pretty amazing – editing was marvelous – whenever it had to deal with scenes between people I thought the script derivative and formulaic. Very much magazine writing. And what does the title signify?

I didn’t watch any of this. I get crazed when movies or plays are turned into Sport. Instead I watched the ravishing Days of Heaven and had a grand time.

@Benedick be Jackpot: Saw that in high school* when it first came out and was awestruck by the cinematography. I later got to meet Haskell Wexler years later at a party when I was on a film festival board and got to be all fanboy about it. He was a very nice cat.

* I was a projectionist at the local movie theater. Part of my job was to tahe the little reels out the film can (where the phrase the “final reel” comes from) splice the individual reels together along with the previews and mount them on the big reels. It was a two projector system that required watching cues in the upper right corner of the picture. You start the projector on the first cue and do the change over on the second. I always had friends or the GF over to hangout. We could ditch school and watch a movie if we felt like it.

@redmanlaw: So I guess Cinema Paradiso is your favorite movie? You should look at Days again. It’s better than I remember it. A real classic. And just about the best cinematic transcription of one of Hardy’s novels one can imagine. Don’t know if that was in his mind but it’s very striking.

@Benedick be Jackpot: Blade Runner, The Matrix, Good Fellas, Casino, 2001. I can’ t think of anything in the past few years that has made such an impact on me in terms of vision or story. I liked Moon and District 9 this year. Zombieland was fun. I’m not a deep movie guy. “Film” is what they shoot movies on. I watch for entertainment.

@Benedick be Jackpot: I think the ‘hurt locker’ is the place he kept all the shite that coulda killed him. I appreciated the fact that they never said that.

@redmanlaw: “Eight Men Out” is possibly my favorite movie of all time. In terms of having seen it the most, however, that would be the “Band of Brothers” series. I just caught the Bastogne episode by chance on the tube, I can watch them over and over and over. Well made, well acted, and beautifully scripted and shot. And Dick Winters lives in my adopted home town.

@redmanlaw: Wait, wait — Casino? Somebody else likes it?

Doesn’t get near the attention of Goodfellas, but I lurves it so.

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