To the Lady with the Saab Who Blocked My Driver’s Door in the Albertsons Parking Lot for a Fucking Half-Hour

Noj’, this is why god gave us tire irons: to cave in the windows and panels of fucktards who regards the world as their personal shithouse.

@FlyingChainSaw: Tire irons?! FCS, you’re such a softie.

So, what’s up my peeps? I’ve been out protestin’ today (coulda used a ChainSaw there). Have I missed anything exciting?

@Jamie Sommers: What were you protesting?

@SanFranLefty: Check out the book of faces

@FlyingChainSaw: You can’t tell from the photo, but the Saab is already something of a beater.

You also can’t tell that it’s a ragtop. And me without a knife.

It’s a pain when one actually cares what happens to their car.

My little parking lot drama happened during the last days of my then 13 year old Integra. Some asshole in a pickup truck (big shock) decided to park in one and a quarter spots. I decided to park right next to him and only leave a mere foot between the driver door and my passenger side.

As luck would have it, he and I arrived within minutes of each other.

I watched with barely concealed glee as the lardass had a very hard time stuffing his bags and his ample ass between my car and his truck. He was about to ram his door into my window when he spotted me glaring at his license plate with fists clenched (a pretty quick switch from gleeful schadenfreude to ready to fight.)

I continued to stare/glare at him as he quickly drove away.

I gotta agree with FCS. Nothing pisses me off faster than a supremely inconsiderate douche.

nojo, not being judgmental but can you see that wishing eternal damnation on somebody who caused you a half-hour delay could be interpreted as an overreaction? Someone as creative as you can surely think of a punishment that fits the crime a little better without trotting out the big guns. For example you could damn her to spend a few hours on the Beltway around Washington DC during a blizzard. That should be close enough to hell for somebody from San Diego.

@Dave H: Wait, wait — there are small guns?

@Dave H:

It is half-measures that will in the end defeat us, darling.

@nojo: Saab is almost certainly in the shitter (unless a company called Stryker buys it) so soon she’ll have trouble getting parts – that should give you a warm fuzzy feeling.

@blogenfreude: You beat me to it. If that’s your Honda, Nojo, you’ll be able to keep your car in repair when that jerk is in a nursing home.

@Dodgerblue: That’s my Civic, and yes, I plan on running it into the ground.

@Jamie Sommers: OK, fuck it. This is why god gave us rags and lighters. Noj’ should have taken off his socks, stuffed them in the fuel pipe and lit the puppy up and stood on his car singing, “we wish you would die for Christmas, and go suck cocks in hell!” to the tune of ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’.

@nojo: My Subaru as well. Only 55K on it. I could be buried in this thing.

@nojo: Dang. It’s a lady. What can you do but grin without being indicted for stalking. You could tell her to go home and get her husband and challenge him to a tire iron fight to the death in the parking lot, I guess.

@Dave H: I would say a proportionate punishment is being locked in a room having lunch with Mitch McConnell, but that might not be seen as a punishment for someone from San Diego … so maybe a week in Yuma in August without A/C.

@Jamie Sommers: I’d say proportionate punishment would be coming back to her car and seeing Nojo sitting upon the rag roof with a big split in it and Nojo taking a monster crap on her genuine leather interior.

@FlyingChainSaw:

Tire irons?

We don’t need no steenking tire irons…

You should see what a railroad flare does to a car. {evilgrin}

@FlyingChainSaw: Good one. Either that or the Spaulding Smails special.

@pinkoscum: Interesting. What is a railroad flare and what can it do to a care with a genuine leather interior? Savage minds need to know.

@Jamie Sommers: Do I know Spaulding?

@Dodgerblue: That series of 900s is about the best thing they did – most Saab-like – before GM started turning Saabs into Opels into Holdens into … whatever. If she takes care of it, serious care, it could go long haul. Like this one.

@FlyingChainSaw: The judge’s grandson in Caddyshack. Forward to 6:12 of this video.

Read about Saab’s last chance here.

@Jamie Sommers: Nice. This kid had the barfs. Noj’ has righteous rage. Better he should take a long, rancid shit through the sunroof – and then barf. This could take some training, though.

was the rear end of the her car blocking you from leaving? I woulda climbed over from the passenger side.

I would have let out a savage scream of insane string curses, too.

This is a nice little essay about this exact kind of situation.
http://web.archive.org/web/20080213082423/http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html

And remember this bit of automotive dumbassery I posted?

@Promnight: To clarify:

The Saab was parked close enough to my car door where I could barely open it — certainly not enough to squeeze through into the seat. It was well past the parking stripe.

The passenger door was a theoretical option during those moments when that parking space wasn’t filled. In practice, however, you’re looking at two bucket seats, a stickshift and armrest compartment, and a 6-2 long-legged geek. I’m not capable of folding in the required directions to accomplish that maneuver.

Mitigating circumstances: Outdoor seating for the yogurt shop behind me, with free wifi. I spent the half-hour browsing on my iPhone.

@nojo: 6′ 2″? That’s great! All you need to do was start howling like a wounded animal and rending your clothes when she showed back up. That would have been impressive. Still, you could have run out, grabbed a six of Ballantine Ale, sucked it down, punched through her window and taken a long, savage piss into her car. Maybe we should have a poll.

@nojo: Watch Sheldon Whitehouse, it made me happy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvZCOECt3a8&feature=player_embedded

@ManchuCandidate: *ahem*

/owns two pickup trucks

@Promnight: Why should this be at all enjoyable? The fact that everyone who voted for McCain pounds their head off of the wall every night, constructing assassination scenarios is indicative of a deeply twisted culture.

@FlyingChainSaw: Nice to see someone state it on the Senate floor, its better than Maddow saying it on msnbc.

@redmanlaw: Had an 87 Toyota longbed when I had 4.2 acres and fancied myself a gentleman farmer. Dumped it on its side once in a snowstorm (when the dashboard lied to me about being in 4wd) – passing motorists helped me shove it back onto its wheels, and I drove it home. Tough.

as a person who rides motorcycles I can tell you its always the Saab drivers.

@redmanlaw:
This guy was an urban warrior all the way. Undented flat bed/tailgate. Super clean.

Where I grew up, there was no such thing as a clean undented pickup.

@blogenfreude: Impressive. I hope he’s got a secure source for spare parts.

@nojo:

Your your case, implement could be applied to both rag top and tires:

Teen Charged in Ice Pick Attack Over Parking Space

@texrednface:
he should have used his car. like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.

“Next time, leave a fucking can opener so I can get out.” Probably a damn rethuglican, too.

@Capt Howdy: Love that movie, love that scene.

“TOWANDA!!!!”

@FlyingChainSaw:

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flare_%28pyrotechnic%29

for the lowdown. (They’re also known as a “fusee”.)

Back in the late 70’s we kids used to find them along the tracks when the RR conductors would occasionally drop them. If we were lucky, it hadn’t rained and they would still ignite.

One of my buddies, who had a long-running beef with a shithead local cop, popped one ablaze and pitched it into the backseat of Officer Porcine’s black-n-white while it was parked at the local Nuke & Puke during a coffee/piss break.

By the time the local FD made it to the scene about 5 minutes later, even the tires were burning.

Ah, those carefree days of childhood…. ;-)

@pinkoscum: You can get the regular road flares at Auto Zone, and the aerial flares at Wal-Mart. I should score one for NYE.