The War on Christmas Trees

My husband recently read an article on the Web that the Bible forbids Christians from having a Christmas tree in their house (Jeremiah 10:3.) was the Bible verse that the article listed. Our children are going to be crushed if we don’t have a tree this Christmas. What can I do?


Dear Peggy,

You, your husband, and your whiny children are well and truly fucked. Your husband has discovered the dirty secret of Christmas: Everything involved in our celebration of the holiday stems from pagan rituals, developed by Satan millennia ago as a ticking timebomb that not even Jack Bauer can defuse before your life takes a commercial break.

You and your family will indeed burn in Hell if you allow this totem of Evil into your home. In fact, if you even need to ask, you’re already doomed. When God calls His children to Heaven, you, your family, and your Christmas tree will be Left Behind, facing the wrath of socialist single-payer healthcare that will quickly be passed in the absence of the faithful. We would pray for your soul if you hadn’t shown yourself unworthy of pity.

You ask whether Jeremiah is the paintball stain on your armor of righteousness. Let’s review:

10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.

10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

There it is, plain as everlasting light: Beelzebub has you by the shorthairs.

But heck, no point punishing the kids for your wickedness — buy the tree, and decorate it to your shriveled heart’s delight. Because if you’re that concerned about wooden idols in your home, we suspect there’s already one hanging on your wall that has you nailed.

Nojo, D.D.

Author of Eschatology for Dummies and Damn You All to Hell!

Can a Christian have a Christmas tree? []

Dear Peggy: Actually that’s God’s commandment against deforestation. Now go, chain yourself to a redwood tree, and help save the Northern Spotted Owl.

Dear Peggy:

What the fuck are you doing on the web? It’s a place of sin and degeneration. ALL of today’s computer SW is based on the theories of a HOMOSECKSUAL! THIS MEANS THAT ALL SW IS GAY AND SO IS ANYONE THAT “USES” IT!!!!!!!

You’re doomed to eternal damnation for that reason alone. Forget the tree.

Stop going on the interwebs, burn your computer and scrub your kids eyeballs out with salt to wash the Ghey away and make sure your hubby isn’t taking it up the ass if you want to make your souls pure for Jeebus.

Otherwise, Satan’s already made your reservation at the Hades Mariott.

And good luck with that.


Even more ridiculous than this poor believer’s question is Buddy’s reply in which he charts the history of the Xmas tree, dating it to the late Middle-Ages (whatever that means).

As we all know, the tree is a holdover from the pagan religions that pre-dated the spread of Xtianity among the germanic and scandinavian tribes which was brought to England by prince Albert when he married Victoria. On this, the shortest day of the year I like to pause to think back on my pagan ancestors, uncles Vic the Pict and Nigel of the Angles, getting hammered on mead in a sod hut somewhere on the plains of Tunbridge Wells. Vic had, of course, left behind his own tribe when he was gay-married to Nigel by the Druids of Skegness when they had met there, by chance, on an anti-draft protest against Boudicca’s war on the Irish. My forebears were able to reproduce when Dorcas the Dyke consented to be fertilized by a mixture of their sperm inserted by means of a cow horn, which is how the twins Gary and Bruce were born from whom most present-day gays descend. On this day we like to honor our rich heritage by bringing indoors an evergreen tree from the forests which we decorate with tinsel while eating traditional dishes of our people like quiche while we drink the midwinter martini as we listen to traditional tunes of the Showfolk. Who are not to be confused with the Happy Villagers, a rival clan whose schism produced the Webbers. The more orthodox of the Showfolk to this day will set up an altar to their goddess Judy, decking her with garlands as they discuss the finer points of theology: which recording is better? Judy at the Palace or Judy at Carnegie Hall?

How this proud gay festival was co-opted by the fundies is the story for another day, children.

Ditto the story of the fat man in the red suit who is not, as it happens, related to Jack Nicklaus – although he is coincidentaly the patron saint of golf and spanking.

@Benedick is Danny Tanner:
I love you.
have you ever read a book called The Mists of Avalon? it is the story of King Arthur told from the point of view of all the women in the story. the heroin is Morgause the villian from the old boys version.
I love the book. but one of the things she talks about is how the Druids were the “snakes” saint Patrick drove from Ireland. I had always loved Druids but after reading this book (one of the few I have ever read more than once) I loved them even more.
everything made more sense from st patrick to the garden of eden.

Uh, Jeremiah is in the O.T., verdad? So it is highly unlikely that he had Christmas trees in mind. If memory serves, he was warning the Jews to shape up and lay off pagan practices or Yahweh was gonna give them the back of his hand. Apparently, they didn’t, so he did — the Babylonians destroyed the Temple and the Jews went into captivity in Babylon, leading to many great reggae songs.

Is that Nancy Pelosi doing a Carmen Miranda imitation?

ADD: Is that…ALT TEXT? Gasp! It’s…It’s been so long….

Add Add: Or perhaps I just haven’t been looking.

@Benedick is Danny Tanner:

I like it when you forget to take your meds. It’s always story-time.

Oh, and Carnigie Hall. A grander, more showman-like appeal, don’t you think?

@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: There are those among the Folk who find the Voice not at its best at Carnegie Hall. Of course she rises to the occasion with the Showfolk national anthem, Over the Rainbow, but somehow the goddess always managed to pull that one out of her ass.

@Capt Howdy: Have not read Mists. Might check it out. I’ve always thought I would make a super pagan. I can totally buy into the ‘spirit of the place’ idea and romp naked in the woods above the house. Otherwise known as Wednesdays.


I forgot that Reggae was a staple of Jewish Life. You’d think they’d play it out the back of mitzvah tanks more often.

@Benedick is Danny Tanner:

If we dug her up outta Ferncliff she’d probably wow us with it this very day.

@Dodgerblue: I assigned “By the Rivers of Babylon” for Son of RML to listen to after we heard a Hebrew captivity reading from Daniel, I believe, at Mass the week before last. (Baked would appreciate that he is way way deep into my Trojan Dub box set.)

@redmanlaw: I read that to say he was way in to your box of Trojans, and thought, Whoa, RML seems pretty chill about SoRML being so grown up…

Me read closely one day.

Where Peggy merely thinks about it, Bunny goes all out, because health care has declared WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

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