Good Luck With That

After you.

We drive a Civic, use curly-fry lightbulbs, recycle everything in sight. But we’re American, and, well, we have our limits:

Greenpeace has come up with a “toilet paper guide,” which looks at recycled content and the use of chlorine bleaches.

“When you’re doing your grocery shopping or just stopping by the corner store to grab a roll of toilet paper, make an informed decision as both a consumer and someone concerned about the world’s ancient forests,” the guide advises.

Look, we feel really bad when a centuries-old tree goes up our butt, but when you put it this way — “Do we really need toilet paper to be as soft as it can be, or do we need it just soft enough?” — we’ll let someone else grab the catalog. We’ve done our share.

Soft toilet paper becomes target of environmentalists [McClatchy]

Only wanton earth-rapers even consider toilet paper when there are vast mountain ranges of phone books available. Also, if you stick your unwiped ass in a dog’s face, they’ll make sure you pull it back nice and clean. Maybe we write up our own toilet culture guide.

@FlyingChainSaw: There’s another solution, but it risks being derisively labeled “French.” So we’ll call it “squirt-gun fights.”

@nojo: But it means using more water – a finite resource. A dog you can slaughter and eat once cannibal anarchy descends. Phone books are garbage and can be soaked in kerosene, lit and launched at attacking cannibals using rudimentary mechanisms built from recycled materials.

Not gonna happen. I eat a lot of Mexican food.

I did my part when I was a kid on the rez and we used color catalog pages in the outhouse. Bring on the quilted Northern.

They’ll pry my soft, pillowy TP out of my cold dead hands.

C’mon nojo – I use the recycled stuff – man up!

TP, one of my favorite subjects.

Truth is, I wonder what the environmental pluses and minuses of bidets vs. toilet paper are, I prefer washing.

Otherwise, wet wipes.

Toilet paper, there is no perfect one. Its either too harsh, or too soft.

The old traditional Scot Tissue, what the fuck is that stuff good for? Its the same as catalogue paper, just thinner. It is downright slick, it just spreads shit around, literally.

Quilted Northern, the other end of the spectrum, so soft, so soft, so tending to have little bits tear off and adhere to the nether parts, ridiculous.

Maybe I need more fiber in my diet, or I need to shave my ass, I don’t know.

I don’t like excreting, its nasty, I don’t like it.

@Promnight: If I ever have the money and the patience at the same time in order to remodel our “big” bathroom, the plans are already drawn to include a bidet.

Of course, by the time that happens, water running like some cheap resource from a tap will be a wistful memory.

@Nojo: the plastic wrap is for scat fetishists who just can’t take the Stinque.

@All: If you have enough fiber in your diet, a brisk scrub with a handy eucalyptus branch (or pine, for those in mountainous or East areas) is enough to dislodge any unsavory remnants clinging to the arse, plus leave you with a nice fresh forest scent down there. Practice now, this is the near future.

Anyway it is only a matter of years — with luck(?) a decade or two — before political reality collides with physical reality. Which will win?

I’m placing my bet on physics. Peak Everything (or Gaea, if you go in for that) doesn’t care whether humans ride out the storm. Some biota will survive to evolve and replace us at the top of the food/waste chain.

Perhaps the dingleberries clinging to our Extra-Strength Charmin or Quilted Northern will evolve into a superior species that will rule the planet for the next couple of million years or so.

Dingleberry Sapiens will hunt down and exterminate the last remaining specimens of homo sapiens, not because they are evil but because they just can’t let a human resource go unexploited.

ADD: I use whatever Mr. Pedo buys at Costco in the 36-roll pallets. We go for the maximum plastic packaging, each individual roll wrapped up like a Christmas present in its own shiny cocoon of everlasting toxic goodness.

Though I do insist on double-ply.

@FlyingChainSaw: Phone books are garbage and can be soaked in kerosene, lit and launched at attacking cannibals using rudimentary mechanisms built from recycled materials.

A fine observation. Something to include in the bullet points of the Stinque Guide to Surviving Cannibal Anarchy.

I assume the Guide will be a PowerPoint, with really cool transitions between the slides. Fit for presentation to the Board of Directors, who want to see plenty of graphs and charts and embedded demonstration videos.

Bullet points for the Stinque Guide to Surviving Cannibal Anarchy:

* If possible, become a cannibal

(…the rest of the bullet points assume you FAILED to become a cannibal…)

* Hoard weapons

* Hoard food

* Hoard water

* Hoard anything you think might possibly be useful to your neighbors, like batteries, liquor and cigarettes

* Outfit your vehicle with steel plate, leaving only a few eye-slits for observation and/or shooting opportunities

* Get into leather, preferably bedazzled with lots of spiky studs and grommets

* Kick ass, don’t take names and don’t let anyone fuck with your garden

* Especially the bunnies and deers; they are food, after all

@Pedonator: Get into leather, preferably bedazzled with lots of spiky studs and grommets: So we’ll be looking like Rob Halford of Judas Priest?

@redmanlaw: Exactly. Though I was thinking more along the lines of Mad Max.

@Pedonator: The survivors are going to have to learn to make their own clothes from natural resources. Kill a deer, skin it, dry it in the sun, clean it and wrap it around your naked butt.

@Pedonator: Excellent start. So, do we favor going cannibal?

@FlyingChainSaw: No, no, not dry it in the sun, it will be tough and then will rot. You have to tan it. The low tech way is to soak it in piss.

finally. something good I can do. I always use the recycled stuff. never partial to the extremely fluffy stuff.

perhaps that will counter balance the fact that I ripped the guts out of my water saver shower head.

Metal god Rob Halford goes all Christmas on us

“Heavy metal god. Gay hard rock legend. Christmas caroler?

“One of these doesn’t seem to fit, but Rob Halford can go three for three comfortably. When he’s not doing the Judas Priest bit, he’s headbanging with his other band, Halford. This year, they pulled off a surprise Christmas album that works in mysterious ways. Winter Songs may not be a perfect holiday album, but it has heart.”


@FlyingChainSaw: Peace Corps in Guatepeor, 80ish, I learned not to pick up corncobs from the beach even if I absolutely needed to heave something into the ocean and there was no driftwood. Toilet paper was kept in reserve (for rolling papers, in my case).

Thanks for letting me share!

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