The Gift That Keeps On Giving

teabagging douchebagOne of my co-workers just tapped me on the shoulder and told me something Michael Steele supposedly had just said. I did not believe him.  I was wrong:

STEELE: Those of you who live outside of Washington know what I’m talking about. Those of you who actually attend Lincoln Day dinners and county party events. Those of you who toll in the vineyards, spending time in communities in diners, barbershops, and coffee shops, where real, everyday, hardworking Americans can be found. You know it’s real. You can see it, and you can feel it. This change, my friends, is being delivered in a tea bag. And that’s a wonderful thing.

I love this guy.  I hope he’s RNC chair forEVAR.

And there’s video.

Could this be Peak Wingnut? Have we reached The Wingularity?


Would this change of yours be milky white and sticky by any chance?

@Serolf Divad: Do you understand why I LOVE this guy? Two blog posts and it’s only 2 pm or so. He’s like Palin with 15 or so more IQ points. He says you can “feel” the teabag. Damn. I sure know I would.

@blogenfreude: The guy being head of the RNC brings me closer to belief in a deity than all the wonders of Nature. Also, I feel qualified to point out that those who “toll [sic] in the vineyards” probably aren’t Republicans, unless they’ve started an extreme outreach in Spanish to Latino immigrants. Mr. Cyn has a required course in “Spanish for vineyard management” to get his winemaking degree.

@Mistress Cynica: There’s also a Grapes of Wrath reference lurking there.

Whatever you do, don’t pinch the teabag. Makes everything bitter.

@Mistress Cynica: You beat me to it…there’s a bunch of everyday, hardworking Mexicans and Guatemalans tolling [sic] in our vineyards. As for coffee shops I seem to frequent, they are populated by yuppies rushing to the office, homeless dudes pissing in bottles, and out-of-work hipsters. But maybe that’s just Ess Eff.

besides, talking about vineyards is suspect. Real U.S. ‘Merikens don’t drink that faggy wine from California or France. They drink piss water in cans from St. Louis.

@SanFranLefty: Monty Python joke: why is American beer like making love in a canoe? Because it’s fucking close to water.

@Dodgerblue: Ah yes, but why is this “beer” not like a canoe? Because a canoe makes you tipsy.

@Dodgerblue: And lo, Firesign Theatre actually filmed its Bear Whiz Beer commercial. For fellow Norwesters, notice that the label knocks off Oly.

I don’t think the Wingularity is possible. Given the infinite nature of teh Stupid that humankind is capable of, wingnuttery will expand like the universe, the Big Crunch theory notwithstanding, for evah-evah.

However, Black Wingholes may exist in which the gravitational forces of teh Stupid collapse in upon themselves and threaten to suck matter, namely, tea bags, into their maws.

@nojo: Ah, Firesign Theater. “At your cervix, ma’am!”

@nojo: Do they still make Oly? We don’t see it down here anymore. Are the Artesians still working there?

@redmanlaw: I’ve been away from the Ancestral Homeland for ten years now, so I can’t say whether Oly is still around.

But I did visit the brewery as a young lad. Never mind the ratpiss that came out the other end, the smell of vats of hops was wonderful.

I’m tired. I’m very, very tired.

@rptrcub: I’m looking for an event horizon wingularity, because stupid emitted from beyond an event horizon never reaches the observer. Anything that passes through the horizon from the observer’s side appears to freeze in place, with its image becoming more redshifted as time proceeds. This shift makes sense, because wingnuts tend to get more red as time proceeds. So you will be able to see each wingnut, but you won’t be able to hear them. Win.

@blogenfreude: Like a market bottom, a wingnut singularity is only something you can call in retrospect. But I’ll go on record predicting that’s easily a year off, and probably much more.

@blogenfreude: Or, if you want to play hack physics:

One of my (few) favorite Asimov stories concerns a pool player who contrived to kill his opponent with a cue ball. By creating a perfect vacuum on the table, and hitting the ball just so, it passed through the vacuum, met a perfect lack of resistance, and plugged a hole in the opponent. The cue ball itself, it was presumed, would start slowing down a few million miles away.

So: What’s to stop the wingnuts from getting ever sillier? What’s to stop, or at least slow, their trajectory? Two failed elections haven’t done it, and two more don’t look likely to throw sand in the gears either.

And while it’s way too soon to call this, they may have really blown off a generation. College kids my age, for some reason I still can’t fathom, veered towards the neocons from 1980 on. College kids today — who have spent most of their conscious years in Shrub’s Shadow — see nothing to the right on offer.

As much as I resent some of the consequences, Barry’s been very shrewd to stake out the middle. As long as the Democrats don’t fuck things up royally, they may get to drive for a very long time.

@nojo: A critical mass will be reached, and the gasbags will begin collapsing in on each other. One of Cole’s commenters answers a similar question:

Who is the overstuffed gasbag that will go supernova first, collapse, and then begin siphoning in mass from other nearby gasbags, causing a chain reaction that will eventually end with the supermassive Wingularity?

It doesn’t really work that way. What happens is that each of the gasbags steal gas from other less pure gasbags, rendering them non-wingnut, through a process we don’t quite understand yet, though we know it involves spinning – which is why it’s called the Purity Spiral.

As fewer wingnuts become more bloated they spin faster and faster, violently expropriating gas from each other and expelling less pure gasbags ever more rapidly until only only one is left, which collapses in upon itself it, becoming a naked wingularity, or if there isn’t enough mass, a furiously spinning Wingnut Pulsar.

There are some who claim that the latter has already happened to Limbaugh in the early 90’s – which, frankly, would explain quite a lot.

I think I am going to start work on the Wingnut Unified Field Theorem. I have already discovered the elementary particle that is the building block of all other wingnut particles – the palin. All I have to do is reconcile the general theory of wingnuttery with the gas laws. I just have to look up the factor for converting gas volume (measured in krauthammers) to the necessary unit, the limbaugh.


But what of the George Will Paradox? The Law of Infinite Malkinic Regression? The dreaded Coulter Paradigm?

Clearly more study is needed…

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: Yeah, I’ll need a Large Hardon C0llider for that (joke stolen, BTW). But remember, even Will’s wankery can eventually be reduced to the basic unit, the palin, and explained by the interaction of those particles. Palins per wingnut are computed by computing the mass of the wingnut on the absolute wingnut mass scale – this is the corollary of intertial mass in Newtonian physics. The wingnut mass corresponds, at the surface of the earth, to the weight of the wingnut – not the weight in kilograms, but the perceived weight to the rest of the wankosphere. In layman’s terms, Rush Limbaugh has the largest wingnut mass (1 million kg.) and the smallest wingnut mass is, say, Ben Shapiro (zero kg.). A series of equations is used to determine the number of palins for each wingnut – even Ben Shapiro can have residual palins that will affect the way he behaves at the event horizon. Palin density is a subject I can’t even get into here – suffice it to say that the higher the palin density, the greater the volume of gas available to be spewed.

@blogenfreude: I don’t think Newtonian physics are sophisticated enough to account for the phenomena. Wingnuts clearly live in alternate universes, which requires string theory to contemplate.

@nojo: I have proven that the laws of motion apply everywhere, all the time. I have the calculations in my other pants – I’ll fax them to you.

@blogenfreude: I usually pull them out of my ass. Makes a memorable presentation at conferences.

I think what we’re seeing is Wingnut Rapture. They believe they will only be elvated into power when just the True Believers are left in the room. True, their paradise may be a Paultard community in the desert, but all the rest of left behind will be tormented by taxes and tolerance.

@Jesuswalksinidaho: Insofar as they’re all disappearing at once, I think you’re on to something.

@blogenfreude: My physics are rusty, but how do you account for breakaway or “free” radicals like the Specter or its covalent, which spirals towards any intensified mass of Palins, the Lieberman?

@Nabisco: This is based on general wingnut relativity. Specter and Lieberman can only be explained by special wingnut relativity. Gonna take me at least twenty minutes to figure that one out.

@blogenfreude: can’t wait to read your unified grand theory of Wingnuttia. I’m available if you need any graphics :-)

So is the GOP like the long distance phone companies now, in that telephone responses, such as “stop fucking calling me,” mean people choose them?

The best possible outcome now would be for the RePUKElicans to just eat shit and die, while the DEMONcrats could split into three separate political parties that actually reflect the views of their constituents:

1) The insufferable, Wall Street-fellating, Clintonian “moderates” could form a party based on global neo-Liberalism.

2) The corn pone Blue Dog Dems could form a some-what backasswards regional party, a Southern fried “Block: Velveeta,” if you will.

3) Meanwhile, the progressives could begin an entirely New Democratic Party dedicated to the core values of social justice, environmentalism and equality.

Hmm… me thinks there’s something oddly familiar about this.

@nojo: Not to worry, I’ve cross-examined many an expensive expert witness who used the same methodology.

RNC chair forever? I dunno. Is there a term limit for tokens?

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