Sarah Palin, Serial Child Abuser

And we're horny enough to insist.Last year around this time, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston did what teenagers have done since the dawn of Man, and will continue to do until Our Mr. Sun bloats us out of existence.

It was the biggest mistake of their lives.

No, not because Levi forgot to wear a little rubber thingy on his John Thomas, although he should have known better. The mistake was one we all share: Inability to see the future.

Who could have guessed, that passionate moment in Spring 2008, that Bristol’s mom would be plucked from obscurity a few months later and immediately begin methodically abusing every minor within her reach?

Let’s not forget that Bristol’s blessed event was announced by the Republican National Committee. Or that Levi was quickly abducted to the convention for a tarmac photo op with John McCain. Or that Track was the victim of another photo op when Talibunny addressed his Iraq-bound squadron the week after the convention. Or that Trig won our 2008 Platinum Pinocchio as the campaign’s most notable human prop. Or that Tripp is now the center of a very odd campaign promoting abstinence.

That’s five victims to date. If Sarah Palin can abuse a child in her quest for political glory, the kid’s toast.

Palin’s latest victim is once again her own daughter Bristol, who far from suffering the fate of a typical teen mother, is being held hostage to her mother’s fortunes. Bristol made the mistake of telling Greta Van Susteren the truth everyone knows about abstinence, and is being punished by being inadequately prepped — just like Mom! — and embarrassing herself on live national television, in this case GMA yesterday morning:

Christopher Cuomo: You got pregnant why? Because you didn’t choose to use protection? Was it a conscious choice, did you want to have the baby? How did you get into this situation?

Bristol: Regardless of what I did personally, I just think that abstinence is the only way that you can effectively, a hundred percent, foolproof way to prevent pregnancy.

Christopher Cuomo: It is, but it’s a difficult choice. For you it proved to not be the way. So how do you bridge the two, for kids? You say don’t do it, don’t have the sex, but you did. So how do you put those two together?

Bristol: I’m not quite sure. I just want to go out there and just promote abstinence and just say, this is the safest choice. This is the choice that’s going to prevent teen pregnancy and prevent a lot of heartache.

And lest you think GMA’s Cuomo is a hostile interviewer, bear in mind that Bristol was appearing in her new role as “teen ambassador” for abstinence advocate The Candie’s Foundation — and Cuomo was scheduled to moderate a foundation-sponsored panel discussion featuring Bristol later Wednesday.

Nor was Greta a hostile interviewer back in February, even if Bristol is now compelled to say the following exchange was taken out of context:

Van Susteren: I don’t want to pry to personally, but I mean, actually, contraception is an issue here. Is that something that you were just lazy about or not interested, or do you have a philosophical or religious opposition to it or…

Bristol: No. I don’t want to get into detail about that. But I think abstinence is, like — like, the — I don’t know how to put it — like, the main — everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it’s not realistic at all.

What mother would subject her child — her daughter — to this? If nothing else, we finally have an answer to the age-old question about the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: Pit bulls protect their young.

Bristol Palin on Good Morning America [YouTube]

She’s not as good at the non-answer answer as her mom, but she’s learning.

Why do I get the feeling there is a “reality” show in their future?

Am on flight to Sacramento surrounded by noisy schoolchildren on a field trip. Am reassessing the value of spawning.

Gail Collins hit the nail on the head this morning when she wrote about Bristol’s abstinence campaign with Candie’s (not to be confused with Britney’s campaign for Candie’s prosti-tot clothes):

“It’s not going to work,” said her ex-boyfriend, Levi Johnston, in a dueling early-morning interview.

If you have ever watched Levi Johnston on TV for two minutes you will appreciate how terrifying it is when he has the most reasonable analysis of a social issue.

@Dodgerblue: Would it be too early for you to order a Bloody Mary on your 6:20 am shuttle to Sack-o-Tomatoes?

@chicago bureau: Saw yesterday that so does David Ogden Stiers (aka: Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester).

@redmanlaw: @blogenfreude: @chicago bureau: The CDC has no interim advisory about how you can avoid catching teh Ghey. Yet. But the WHO is about to declare a Level Wayland & Madam ghey pandemic.

@rptrcub: The WHO’s Pete Townshend has released the following statement on teh ghey pandemic:

Tough boys
Running the streets
Come a little closer
Rough toys
Under the sheets
Nobody knows her
Rough boys
Don’t walk away
I very nearly missed you
Tough boys
Come over here
I wanna bite and kiss you

I wanna see what I can find
Tough kids
Take a bottle of wine
When your deal is broken
Ten quid
She’s so easy to find
Not a word is spoken
Rough boys
Don’t walk away
I’m still pretty blissed here
Tough boy
I’m gonna carry you home
You got pretty pissed dear

Rough boys
Don’t walk away
I wanna buy you leather
Make noise
Try and talk me away
We can’t be seen together

@SanFranLefty: Flight was cancelled due to fog in Sacto after I spent 30 min on the tarmac surrounded by screaming 10-year olds. Due to workaholism, I am back at my office rather than at an airport-adjacent strip bar.

@Dodgerblue: Manny + test for performing enhancing drugs. Woah.

As someone who is amazed that a 36 year old (and Boras client) can hit like he can… I’m shocked?

@redmanlaw: Just learning of this on Rome, via LA “Dog Trainer”.

That’s what I like about cycling; just a man, two wheels and occasionally someone else’s blood platelets.

Or his blood turns into cement from the EPO.

@ManchuCandidate: Selena Roberts is on WNYC discussing the book. Interesting.


Imagine that they are puppies. Makes it easier, somehow…

@blogenfreude: I heard her attacked on local sports talk radio as a “feminist”, meaning that Real Men shouldn’t believe what she’s saying because she’s a girl.

@Nabisco: Got Romie streaming on the laptop (for free) while working at home. Roberts is getting blasted all around. The Empire strikes back.

redmanlaw: Selena Roberts should not be slammed for being a female sportswriter. She should be slammed for being a sportswriter for the New York Times. (Perhaps it’s gotten better since I was a kid, but: it isn’t a critique of modern society and its obsession with technology and its instant gratification. It’s a college football game. A bad one, where the margin is 50 points, give or take. Please.)

Meanwhile, Manny speaks!

“I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons. I want to apologize to [Dodgers owner Frank] McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, [manager Joe] Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization, and to the Dodger fans. LA is a special place to me and –“ [snip]

Oh, God damn it, Manny. You might as well hand the microphone to Bora$. About as genuine as John Boehner’s tan.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

One think we can be sure of here in L.A. is that Juan Pierre hasn’t taken any performance-enhancing drugs.

Perhaps it’s about high time he consider taking them.

@Dodgerblue: Man it’s not your day between the canceled flights and Manny getting caught.

@Dodgerblue: @ManchuCandidate: My Pirates can’t even get a lift from Dock Ellis’ flashbacks anymore.

I thought they were in first. I guess the next time I check the standings, I should look at the NL Central once in a while.

@ManchuCandidate: High school outfielders have better throwing arms. Speaking of which, if you get a chance to see a Dodger game, check out our shortstop, Rafael Furcal. Arm like a rocket, and excellent range. Doesn’t hit much, but that’s what Manny is for. Oh, wait . . .

Speaking of crazee laydies in politics, looks like we’ve all been had by “Michele.”

@chicago bureau: She writes for SI now … Leonard Lopate tried to go after her for using anonymous sources, but she shot him right down. Also pointed out that the first words out of Boras’s mouth are “this is off the record”. She’s got some cred.

Dodgerblue: Juan Pierre hasn’t taken any performance-enhancing drugs.

Yes. But he is ex catulus, which means of course that the Dodgers are screwed either way.

(ex catulus = “former Cub”)

blogenfreude: See, I only have so much room for out-of-town scribes, and thus the news that Selena moved to Sports Illustrated escaped me. Sorry.

The Tribune provides all I need for sports writers — not to say that they are all quality, but it gives me what I require.

@ManchuCandidate: Don’t bother. The Bucs are on a four game losing streak, after peaking at one game over .500. Should be a Cardinals year.

@blogenfreude: She sounds serious. I only ever saw the back page thing she wrote in SI, except for the A-Rod story.

ADD: @chicago bureau: See now, “ex-Pirate” is usually a good thing. See Bay, Jason vs. Ramirez, Mannie. Matter of fact, when I watch mlb (infrequently, see above) I spend most of my time doing a riff on “six degrees of separation from the Pirates”.

I still don’t get why LA forked out $55 mil.

When I used to go to LA (when I wasn’t worried about my job) I enjoyed taking in a game at Chavez when they were in town. Caught a game when Chan Ho Park pitched and was surprised by the number of Korean groupies in Left Field (where I and my friend was) who hung on his every pitch till he got knocked out by the Phillies.

@chicago bureau: I was acting sports editor at my college paper for a while when the regular guy was suffering from burn out. I’ll bet that was the only time the UNM Daily Lobo covered kendo and fencing.

The paper still has an award named after me for the most hardcore reporter on staff. Winner get a plaque and bragging rights. I think someone thought I was dead and that it was a memorial award. Fun facts: Tony Hillerman was one of my journalism professors and Edward Abbey was also a Daily veteran,.

@flippin eck: Holy crap! That’s fantastic news, if only because it demonstrates so very very disturbingly how credulous some of the fundies on the right are. I kept waiting for the gotcha/April Fools moment in the article, but it looks real. Do we have any correlating stories yet?

ADD: Nope, no correlation yet, at least not that I can find. I remain wary of that story until I hear it somewhere else.

@flippin eck: That’s great.

Wait, dildo/headbutting of animal balloons? Was this watered-down wisdom from our very own Chainsaw?

We’ve been had, not Bachmann supporters. It’s posted under “Comedy” in the Huffpo website. I retract my previous “fantastic news” assessment.

@IanJ: I knew it was too good to be true the moment I saw it, I just thought I’d share it with y’all so we could enjoy together the fact that she’s crazee enough to make it plausible that she’s one big stunt…enjoy it in a cynical way, that is.

@Nabisco: I know, it’s so FCS-esque! Is he moonlighting for HuffPo?

@flippin eck: Not even remotely enough mention of schlong-gobbling to be an FCS masterwork.

@IanJ: @flippin eck: There was a link in that article to a story on an actual study at Ohio State finding that conservatives don’t realize the Colbert Report is satire. They think Stephen is reallyone of them, and only pretending to be joking to get their views heard.

Bonus points for my fellow typography nazis: That image is lifted from the Candie’s site.

@redmanlaw: Marcel may be covering that, once he’s back from busking for lunch money.

DEVELOPING HARD — REALLY: Manny got a prescription for ED pills.

If your baseball game lasts more than four hours, etc. etc.

@chicago bureau:
So the Yankees bullpen is a leading cause of Priapism?

@chicago bureau: This is why you should always hold your bat logo-up.

@chicago bureau: Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, and low testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction.

Shortstop or catcher?

Manny’s stuff: “gonadotropin”.


LOS ANGELES – A source close to Manny Ramirez(notes) said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was not “an agent customarily used for performance enhancing.”

At least not on the baseball diamond. The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the drug was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction.

However, two sources said the substance Ramirez tested positive for was gonadotropin.

@ManchuCandidate: It is in my case! Moar cute jocks in tight pants plz. Oh, and someone who actually follows sports should explain this image (worksafe!) I found googling yankees + bullpen.

@nojo: They wear cups but outfielders don’t, so Manny didn’t have to shop in the Petites department.

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