GOP Hero Gleefully Confesses to Murdering Liberal Church’s Members; Ponders 2012 Run as Talibunny’s VP
GOP patron saint and hillbilly mass murderer Jim Adkisson this week gleefully confessed to gunning down members of a church in Knoxville, the first strike in a genocidal campaign advocated by his mentors, professional wingnut media psychopaths Michael Savage, Sean Hannity and failed obscene phone caller Bill O’Reilly.
Adkission grinned broadly in satanic bliss on Feb. 9 as he pleaded guilty in state Criminal Court to savagely murdering two people with a sawed-off shotgun at a children’s play staged in the Tennessee Valley United Unitarian Church last July and then mowing down another seven people in a wingnut rampage that delighted and inspired his prophets of hate and rage.
Struggling stand-up comic and personality disorder victim Sean Hannity said, “When I heard about the shooting, I haven’t cum that hard since Anne Coulter wrapped me in duct tape, beat me with a barbed wire switch and read Mein Kampf to me in the original German. Jim Adkisson is what the GOP is all about: xenophobia, senseless violence and a wanton, depraved sense of entitlement. I love that guy. Too bad they were all white, eh?”
Adkisson, now facing a life sentence without parole for two counts of murder and six counts of attempted murder, would have been assured of a life of leisurely and bountiful success in industry and society, if it were not for the conspiracy of Democrats, Al Qaeda, feminists, gays and everyone in the US who is politically to the left of Julius Streicher and who denied him his due, a lesson taught to Adkisson by his personal prophets of hate in the electronic and print media.
The local cops discovered this part of Adkisson’s heroic conservative saga after the church members wrestled him to the ground during the massacre. In a putative suicide note, the conservative hero bragged that he had attacked the church because of its liberal ideology that holds that women, gays and minorities are human beings – and because “all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country,” surrendering America to Al Qaeda, non-whites, polar bears and trees, essentially the full gospel of his prophets Hannity, Savage and and O’Reilly.
Adkisson had been studying their philosophies of wanton greed, hatred and cackling genocidal hunger assiduously before they apparently inspired him to take matters into his own hands and, in his own bloodthirsty conservative way, take back America for the wingnut jihad.
According to the local press, the literature of conservatism’s most eloquent authorities were well represented in Adkisson’s library, including, “Liberalism is a Mental Health Disorder” by radio hatecaster Savage, “Let Freedom Ring” by fascism popularizer Hannity, and “The O’Reilly Factor,” by Alzheimer’s poster boy and loofah sponge enthusiast O’Reilly. The members of this fascist fraternity suppressed their obvious glee at the success of one of their students in animating the twisted rage they espouse for a living, expressing perhaps some sense of human shame.
Sarah ‘Talibunny’ Palin, burdened by no kind of conscience possessed by lifeforms with legs, wrote to Adkisson after he was arrested, practically gasping in groupie rapture, and asked him if he would be her running mate in 2012 to help the GOP represent “the kind of values that make the party great and make America a land of justice and opportunity.”
“A lot of people blather on the radio about taking on the Commie-Al-Qaeda-Sequoia-Polar-Bear left and finally getting America on track, but only Jim Adkisson had the courage of his convictions. I dreamed of leading the ‘Adkisson Brigades’ he inspired into total conflict for the soul of America. Now that he will be spared the electric chair, he can be my running mate for a conservative dream team. Sieg Heil, my love,” the Talibunny wrote in response to emailed questions.