GOP Hero Gleefully Confesses to Murdering Liberal Church’s Members; Ponders 2012 Run as Talibunny’s VP

GOP Icon Jim Adkisson Chuckles Contentedly, Assured of His Place in the GOP Pantheon of Heroes
GOP Icon Jim Adkisson Chuckles Contentedly, Assured of His Place in the Republican Pantheon of Heroes Forever and a Day

GOP patron saint and hillbilly mass murderer Jim Adkisson this week gleefully confessed to gunning down members of a church in Knoxville, the first strike in a genocidal campaign advocated by his mentors, professional wingnut media psychopaths Michael Savage, Sean Hannity and failed obscene phone caller Bill O’Reilly.

Adkission grinned broadly in satanic bliss on Feb. 9 as he pleaded guilty in state Criminal Court to savagely murdering two people with a sawed-off shotgun at a children’s play staged in the Tennessee Valley United Unitarian Church last July and then mowing down another seven people in a wingnut rampage that delighted and inspired his prophets of hate and rage.

Struggling stand-up comic and personality disorder victim Sean Hannity said, “When I heard about the shooting, I haven’t cum that hard since Anne Coulter wrapped me in duct tape, beat me with a barbed wire switch and read Mein Kampf to me in the original German. Jim Adkisson is what the GOP is all about: xenophobia, senseless violence and a wanton, depraved sense of entitlement. I love that guy. Too bad they were all white, eh?”

Adkisson, now facing a life sentence without parole for two counts of murder and six counts of attempted murder, would have been assured of a life of leisurely and bountiful success in industry and society, if it were not for the conspiracy of Democrats, Al Qaeda, feminists, gays and everyone in the US who is politically to the left of Julius Streicher and who denied him his due, a lesson taught to Adkisson by his personal prophets of hate in the electronic and print media.

GOP 2012 Veep Hopeful and Student of Modern Conservatism Jim Adkisson, the Heart and Soul of the GOP

The local cops discovered this part of Adkisson’s heroic conservative saga after the church members wrestled him to the ground during the massacre.  In a putative suicide note, the conservative hero bragged that he had attacked the church because of its liberal ideology that holds that women, gays and minorities are human beings – and because “all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country,” surrendering America to Al Qaeda, non-whites, polar bears and trees, essentially the full gospel of his prophets Hannity, Savage and and O’Reilly.

Adkisson had been studying their philosophies of wanton greed, hatred and cackling genocidal hunger assiduously before they apparently inspired him to take matters into his own hands and, in his own bloodthirsty conservative way, take back America for the wingnut jihad.

According to the local press, the literature of conservatism’s most eloquent authorities were well represented in Adkisson’s library, including, “Liberalism is a Mental Health Disorder” by radio hatecaster Savage, “Let Freedom Ring” by fascism popularizer Hannity, and “The O’Reilly Factor,” by Alzheimer’s poster boy and loofah sponge enthusiast O’Reilly. The members of this fascist fraternity suppressed their obvious glee at the success of one of their students in animating the twisted rage they espouse for a living, expressing perhaps some sense of human shame.

Talibunny: When She Heard About Jim's Conservative Heroism, She Could Have No Other Veep for Her 2012 Run

Sarah ‘Talibunny’ Palin, burdened by no kind of conscience possessed by lifeforms with legs, wrote to Adkisson after he was arrested, practically gasping in groupie rapture, and asked him if he would be her running mate in 2012 to help the GOP represent “the kind of values that make the party great and make America a land of justice and opportunity.”

“A lot of people blather on the radio about taking on the Commie-Al-Qaeda-Sequoia-Polar-Bear left and finally getting America on track, but only Jim Adkisson had the courage of his convictions. I dreamed of leading the ‘Adkisson Brigades’ he inspired into total conflict for the soul of America. Now that he will be spared the electric chair, he can be my running mate for a conservative dream team. Sieg Heil, my love,” the Talibunny wrote in response to emailed questions.


I would like to think that this is the last of these types of things, but I have a bad feeling that it will only get worse as the Unicorn Administration wears on. The more liberal Episcopalian churches are next — probably by the hands of those fossils in the ECUSA who want to split and be ruled over by an African bishop because gay people are evil and dirty.

Brain dead, crazy and guns just don’t fucking mix.

Nice use of the word “library” although I doubt one can really call it that.

@rptrcub: Nah, with episcopalians its not so much homophobia as that they always have to have some kind of silly fued going on with someone. Its a low church thing, they feel looked-down on because they are, well, low. But no, not even low church episcopalians would resort to violence, they will sit together in the same room and smile at each other every day for 30 years, all the while seething with rage and hatred, but they will not resort to violence.

Hey, lookie here, this guy was a REAL Adkisson Brigader:

He was building a dirty, dirty bomb.

@Prommie: Will we see the Republicans denounce domestic terrorism from these bastards? No.

“In the world we live in, people attending religious services are high on the vulnerability menu.”

So wrote a veteran cop in Handguns magazine (April/May 2009, on newsstands now) in an article called “Any Given Sunday”, on defensive church going. Seriously.

His main tip – sit in a back corner where you can see who comes in and have only two sides to defend with a lot of stuff in between you and the main entrance. Dude of course packs heat en la iglesia.

Hey, I just got it for the cover stories on “Why Snubnose Revolvers Still Rock” (in an increasingly semi-auto world) and on types of bullets for handloading ammo. Interestingly enough, the article did not mention that the last big church shooting was a RWNJ (right wing nut job) looking to snuff out our lib/prog brothers and sisters.

@redmanlaw: Aren’t they always RWNJs? I can’t remember the last time a ‘liberal’ entered a church and gunned people down.

But the idea of packing heat in a church!

@Prommie: Yep, just like any other American who voted for McCain.

@Benedick: Yeah, the minister should just have something with full auto mounted on the altar, just in case.

That’s for in case someone needs an express ticket to Hell.

@Chain: Our deacon at the 7:30 mass used to be a narc.

@Prommie: Yes, Episcopalians prefer the traditional backstabbing, blackballing at the country club and junior league, and screwin each other on real estate deals, but I do worry about outside wingnuts taking aims at them. My friend’s church in Pasadena, which started blessing same sex unions in the late ’90s, is regularly picketed on Sundays. At the OKC Cathedral, which was downtown, we had a homeless guy come in and start raving during a Lenten weekday service, not long after a church shooting in Texas. We all froze, but the ex-Marine priest stopped the homily and went directly into the creed, which seemed to throw the guy off long enough for two other priests to escort him out (and sit and talk with him for an hour before helping him to a shelter).

@Mistress Cynica: There was also a story I heard about how members of the Episcopal Georgia Mothership Church, Christ Church in Savannah, helped to throw a member’s daughters shit out on the curb when the momma decided to tell her adult daughter to leave her house.

@rptrcub: Jesus says fuck you and die in the dark and cold. What christianity is all about.

They get to wear like vestments and shit? You could hide a Gattling gun in some of those robes. Might be a story for Christianity Today if you want to put on your writer’s hat again. “Avenging Vestments: Dressing to Kill When Your Church is Under Attack!” You could cover all the concealed weapons scenarios available to clergy given different combinations of weapons and vestments.

@Prommie: this is due to C of E roots — Anglicanism, and by extension, Episcopalianism, is usually pretty wishy-washy. You can hate the fuck out of your neighbor and never say it for 30 years because it wouldn’t be prudent. But in some cases, you do get the crazy fucks who aren’t Catholic because they hate the pope but like everything else about the church — so they don’t go full-on Protestant or evangelical.

Death is too good for a fucker like Adkisson, who clearly wants to be a martyr to the cause. American fucking Taliban, indeed.

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