Wall Street Bigs Too Busy Pestorking Pricey Hookers to Manage Portfolios
Not only were Wall Street masters of the universe too incompetent, spineless and corrupt to run their portfolios straight, they were also way too busy pestorking the bejesus out of four- and five-figure hookers and walking around in euphoric post-coital fogs to figure out their businesses were monstrous fucking doomsday machines spinning out of control and winding up to destroy Western civilization. Then again, how could anyone with an endless supply of retirement fund money from witless investors to spend on busloads of fuck-ready supermodels actually care about anything?
Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Yeah, yeah, bring in two bus loads of them! Everyone knows the fucking buses are so much smaller these days. Yeah, hey, the leftover caviar at the bond department – hey, just pour it right on the desks and we’ll fuck ’em right there, swimming in the fucking stinking fucking fish fucking ooze. Oh, yeah. And get the guys from equities research to bring down some of that great blow and we’ll snort it off of their asses before we fuck ’em!
ABC News reports: Wall street lawyers, investment bankers, CEOs and media executives often used corporate credit cards to pay for $2,000 an hour prostitutes, according to the madam who ran one of New York’s biggest and most expensive escort services until it was busted last year.
The masters of industry and everything else were not only pillaging your pension accounts for their ridiculous wages and outsized benefits – they were also allegedly stealing from their own companies to pay for the services of NY madam Kristen Davis’ ultrawhore agencies, slut stables that delivered the poontang of choice for disgaraced former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer.
Here’s what the guys handling your financial future did during the day while you were slaving away to provide them with fresh pension funds to subsidize their Caligulan urges, according to ABC News:
an investment banker from Lehman Brothers who saw “Kelsey and Keely together” and later saw “Aria and Skyler at the same time”
an investment banker at JP Morgan Securities who “loves Brooke” and spent $41,600
an investment banker at Goldman Sachs who “only wanted all-American girls” and spent $27,000
a managing director from Merrill Lynch who saw “Lana” using the name “Nataly”
a managing director from Deutsche Bank “who called about seeing Nataly again”
If you have investments or pensions plans at these firms, since you’re funding Wall Street managers’ sex lives, call them to demand your part of the poontang parade, or at least a lunchtime blowjob. Still, even Stinque admits, this may be logistically infeasible. No, we have a better idea to restore justice and perhaps get something for the tax dollars dumped willy nilly into Wall Street since last year.
Stinque posits this modest proposal to return sex to the proletariate that is so oppressed by the crimes of Wall Street. Stinque demands that the Obama Administration establish the Blow Jobs for Unemployed, Bankrupted and Homeless America Progarm BJUBHAP (Pronounced like a contraction of the words pajama and bim bim bap) to offer some comfort to the victims of Wall Street’s perfidies.
Here’s how it works. Wall Street execs bailed out by US taxpayers would be driven around on luxury coach busses to suck off the homeless, bankrupted and unemployed dregs they helped create. Films of their rugged service to the nation would be broadcast on ESPN pay-per-view with 20% going to the Federal treasury to pay down the gargantuan debt they help create.
What say you, Stinquers? Justice or what?
That’s a dude, right?
The web page I found it on said it was a lady and I am a trusting person.
Unfortunately, most of those Wall Street execs are teh fugly. Now, some of those young turks on the trading floor…
@FlyingChainSaw: Her interview is at the ABC post – she’s a she.
And as the great Don Rickles would say: “Nice lamps!”
Not surprised considering the type of guys I knew in school who went into finance who all seemed that Xanadu (not the gawdawful movie) was their rightful reward for all the years of backstabbing, mark grubbing (it’s a 1/2 mark! It’s important!), assignment stealing, and ass kissing.
I once met a guy at a bachelor party who didn’t think twice about blowing $4k on strippers with his expense account for himself, but was also the cheapest shit I’ve ever met in Skule.
She does have a tranny air to her.
Don’t try to tell us those are real boobiez.
@SanFranLefty: No. Not real. If for no other reason than that her breasts are completely out of proportion with the rest of her.
Will it float?
Sure, she was a lady…right after the operation.
By the way, I don’t get the hustler/hooker thing. Isn’t the whole point of sex to get freaky with someone that wants to get freaky with you? If you have to pay the person to be there…well, where’s the fun in that?
Here’s the e-mail I just sent to sanity-destroying fucktard Geoff Colvin at Fortune, whose new column is so incomprehensibly ignorant that I won’t even link it:
Subject: You’re a 21st Century Marie Antoinette
I just finished reading “A Recession of Biblical Proportions,” and coming so soon after your recent op-ed extolling the virtues of bailing out bankrupt billionaires, I honestly don’t know if your writing is some kind of avant garde humor, or just plain ole’ six different kinds of crazy.
Did you know that middle class wages have been either stagnant or falling for the last thirty years, and they’ve only been able to stay afloat by having dual income households? Then, when even that wasn’t enough, by borrowing obscene amounts of debt until the entire system blew up?
Did you know that there are large numbers of people who can’t even afford to make contributions to tax deferred retirement plans or have any savings at all? It’s true! Are you really this clueless? They’re called The Poor, and there are gonna be a whole helluva lot more of them very, very soon.
I strongly recommend that you consult someone (anyone!), perhaps the person who cleans your home or whoever types your memos and answers your e-mail, on what it’s like to work in today’s insane, kleptocratic “free-market” economy that grossly rewards the most corrupt and incompetent and punishes everyone else . Perhaps then the title of your future columns won’t be something along the lines of “Let Them Eat Flat-Screens.”
@Original Andrew: Rip his fucking face off, Andy!
@Original Andrew: Great letter.
@Original Andrew: “Fortune” is out of touch with the economic realities of those of us taking home under $5 million per year? Who could have guessed? Steve Forbes has always seemed like such a champion of the downtrodden. His cool flat tax proposal that allows everyone to avoid paying any taxes at all on the money they don’t spend appeared to be just the ticket to boost the poor looking to pull themselves up by their bootstraps – as long as they didn’t need any food or clothing or shelter.
Maybe the clueless like Mr. Colvin will wake up when state and local governments can’t afford to pay the police and their gated communities start attracting mobs of starving, armed people looking for food.
I still think he’s a dude.
We get all of the terrible industry rags at my office. I’ve begged to get off their mailing lists, but to no avail.
Forbes instantly goes into the recycling, along with Life Insurance Selling and Registered Rep.
Surprisingly, Fortune is the least offensive, and they’ll even occasionally publish letters like mine politely informing them that they’re all a bunch of stunningly unselfaware shit-for-brains.
Their investigative reporting is fairly decent, but their investment tips are career suicide. As recently as a year ago they were heavily hyping Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch and AIG. Buy! Buy! Buy! Howz that workin out for ya, Fortune investors?
I don’t take any of these tabs seriously (hello, Worth), but I read them because many people do, which is frankly a bit terrifying.
@Original Andrew: Now THAT is a well-written rant. Well played!
@Jamie Sommers: Me too, sister.
On an unrelated note, did you see the NYT editorial about your P.O.S. sheriff? What a fucking moron. When will you run for sheriff of Maricopa County? Srsly. I’ll come to Phoenix and manage your campaign.
@Jamie Sommers: Srsly, you should put your hat in the ring. SFL is right about this kind of thing (among others).
@SanFranLefty: Did I read in a previous post that you’re off to New Zealand? I know it’s not your first time going south of the equator, but I totally think you need to stage some kind of crossing the line ceremony on the plane.
@Pedonator: Yes, SFL and Mr. SFL are off to NZ next Friday the 13th, conveniently avoiding Valentines Day thanks to the International Date Line.
Wow. What a great strategy. You married a genius.
@Hose Manikin: He’s quite proud of himself for this V-day accomplishment.
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