Thanks, Mean Joe!

Sport!Title: Football For Dummies

Authors: Howie Long & John Czarnecki

Rank: 43,026

Blurb: “Once you break through that initial fear of being overwhelmed by football and what you don’t understand, I know everything else about the game, like dominoes, will fall into place.”

Review: “The Canadian Pro Football League, which started 11 years before that other overrated Pro outdoor League down south, has not never will be and isn’t a ‘feeder’ or ‘AAA’ League for the NFL. The NFL has nothing to be smug about after that lousy Super Bowl XL!”

Customers Also Bought: “Get Your Own Damn Beer, I’m Watching the Game!: A Woman’s Guide to Loving Pro Football”

Footnote: Thanks to the Sports Broadcasting Act of 1961, the NFL has an antitrust exemption that allows home-game television blackouts. Legally, the NFL is a 501(c)(6) nonprofit trade association with FY 2007-08 revenue of $6.9 billion.

Football For Dummies [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon kickback link]

Mean Joe Green’s smelly jersey [YouTube]


Why do football analysts make football to be some complicated game of sorts?

The one thing that will forever annoy me about US America football is the hardcore fan, coach, player and/or wing nut’s insistence that it is JUST LIKE WAR.

Um, okay…

To be successful war also requires subtlety, improvisation and most importantly thought besides brute force and will. Set plays, smash mouth attrition and an incessant need to drive into the opposition’s Red Zone isn’t always helpful (doesn’t really work well against such modern devices as the claymore mine, the tank and the machine gun.) Plus there are no time outs and one usually has to worry about someone else in your backfield or reading your “plays.”

It seems to me the only things that make football “like” war is the purty uniforms, the injuries and the incredibly short careers/life spans of the typical NFL player.

Here’s the thing: for fifteen years of living abroad I was contractually obligated to be non-partisan, apolitical and outwardly agnostic. These things also kept me from being kidnapped or getting into bar fights. But one thing that kept me tethered to my native soil was Sport, and once the Pirates tanked out in 92 it was the Stillers that kept me going.

So today I revert to my Inner Neanderthal. I am not looking for redeeming social commentary or the subtle interplay of offensive and defensive Zen Masters. I am looking for bloodsport. And pretty girls. And beer commercials.

Oh, and a 27-17 Steeler victory with Nate Washington as a the darkhorse MVP.

@nabisco: @JNOV: A team can never have too many Penn State Linebackers. Alas our boys will have to prove they can fill the void.

Nojo, I like the new little blurb thingie at the top of the site – very good!

@nabisco: @JNOV: Okay, Nabisco’s love of the Steelers and Prom Jr.’s interest in the game (and the Jeebus fixation of the Birds’ QB) has me rooting for the Stillers now. But I always root for the underdogs, so that is keeping part of me wanting to cheer for Arizona.

I think I will decide based upon whose hair looks the best today – Polamalu’s ringlets or Fitzgerald’s dredlocks. How do those guys not get their hair ripped out of their heads?

Today is one of those days I am SO GLAD not to be living in the States. I abhor football with a fury that surprises me, and the hype surrounding this day is like acid on my skin. That is all, lest I attract the ire of my beloved Stinquers! Instead I’ve spent the day creating a new blog targeted to Italian gay men.

@SanFranLefty: I’m living in a house divided, with Mr Cyn, always a sucker for a team that hasn’t been there before, for the Cards, and me for the Steelers for reasons you stated.
@RomeGirl: Today makes me nostalgic for my favorite gay couple ever, now both deceased, who hosted a fabulous Super Bowl party every year with unbelievable food. Sometimes someone would remember to turn on the game, but we only watched the commercials.

RomeGirl: No no no. There is nothing better in this world that a five-hour pregame show. Nothing.

(Biting sarcasm aside, the pre-game show actually broke some newsish stateside — Michael Phelps, per a British tabloid, was photographed smoking a joint in South Carolina. Sociological “if he were black” critiques aside, I’m alright with this. Dude has more gold medals than that crazy lady in California has kids. And he was in South Carolina. And there was an actual, honest-to-God, responsibility-taking apology (marked down for blaming his youth for his application of weed to lungs, unfortunately). All in all, I’m giving him a pass.)

(Sidenote: Hockey Night in Canada is taking some stick over the use of the word “pansification” — raised in reference to a perennial call to ban fighting that never goes anywhere. And so they turned over a pre-game segment to some lady from Egale Canada — apparently, Human Rights Camapaigns with curling outings and a two-four of Molson Canadian at meetings. And thus, five minutes of what actually passed for serious conversation about homophobia. On the program of record in Canada. Interesting.)

Oh, wait, that Heroes lady is wearing fur boots in Tampa! Must see TV!Laters.

@RomeGirl: There is nothing to add. You said it all.

@chicago bureau: I understand he had to “apologize” to keep his sponsorships, etc., but I long for the day when someone says, “yeah, I smoked a joint. big deal. don’t you people have anything better to do?”

@RomeGirl: Actually, I plan on hitting the mall for some shopping today. Figure it’s the best moment to avoid the crowds.

@Mistress Cynica: Don’t you remember the immortal words of The Unicorn during the campaign? “I inhaled. That was the point.”

A friend gave me that quote on a magnet for Jesus Birthday Day. Love it!

Mike Phelps likes Pot. Big whoop.

It could have been worse. He could have been caught having someone putting searing hot sauce on his nutbag like noted steroid ass injection enthusiast, alleged statutory rapist and all round asshole Roger Clemens so that he could get that grimace he used to intimidate batters.

@SanFranLefty: Me, too, nojo! Noticed it this AM but forgot to give you props.

Here’s how it works in the JNOV houshold (my father trained me well):

We are Eagles fans. In the likely event the Eagles don’t make it to The Show, we root for the NFC team.


We HATE (in descending order of haterade) the Cowboys, Giants and Redskins (who should really take some time to rethink their fucked up name).

In the event that the Cowboys make it to the Superbowl, we go AFC all the way. Depending on how magnanimous we’re feeling that day, we just might root for the Giants or the Skins, but probably not.

Here’s the rub for me: I was born in Allegheny Community Hospital in Pittsburgh, and we lived in a rough ass neighborhood called The Hill until I was six months old. Despite the fact that I have no memory whatsoever of living in Pitt, I am allowed to claim Pitt as home.



@chicago bureau: I’m actually watching the pre-game show, but only because I have a house full of 3rd graders and the Steeler affiliate feed doesnt’ come on until 4pm EST (Eastern Steelers Time). I’d like to grab Rodney Harrison and kick him in his Patsy a$$, tell you what…

@nojo: I used to be an x-ray/mammo/ ultrasound/CT tech, and superbowl Sunday was always veeery veery quiet. Until after the game. Then the rush of people who injured themselves while watching the game, who injured themselves after celebrating their victory, who ignored their kids during the game, and their kids got into the cleaning supplies or played dangerous games and injured themselves during the game, and saddest of all, the people who injured their partners or kids during/after the game all came to the ER. Booze was the common denominator. I would be x-raying some poor kid for suspected child abuse (a series of x-rays of every bone in their body) while the parent, reeking of booze, would ask why I was x-raying Little Suzie’s head when clearly it was her arm that was broken. Ugh. I suggested to the ER folks that when they send a kid over for a full skeletal survey that they NOT have a parent come with the kid because it was really, really hard to explain why I was doing spine x-rays when Little Billy’s leg was broken. I do not miss those days. Heartbreaking.

@nabisco: And let me tell you, I love you, too. When you were prepared to drive all the way to Philly to help me get over The Howling Fantods prompted by election day, when you were my text buddy friend as Jr and I stood in line to cast our votes, I knew you were something special. I am honored to know you, Sir.

BTW: I appreciate the fact that the people at Gatorade wanted to make things easier on us by rebranding itself, simply, “G”. Thoughtful of them.

@chicago bureau: Call it what you want, it still tastes like crap.

@chicago bureau: Is that what that commercial is about? I keep debating with myself whether I want to be enough of a tool to look it up.

Mistress Cynica: Concur. Notably, the prop bottle in front of Dan Patrick was more than half-full.

Um. What happened to Steve Perry?

Hello, 1984! Even my kid knows this song. It just goes to show you you can’t shelter your children from all the evils of the world no matter how much you try.

I have been listening to the pre-game show on ESPN radio since 10 am Mountain time, when I was separating brass and pulling bullets from cartridges with defective primers, thereby giving me and the boy a huge pile of gunpowder to “dispose of properly” (taking it in to the backyard and setting flame to it, producing a satisfying “whoooooossshhhHHHH” because gunpowder does not explode, it burns at various rates depending on type and intended use. Anyway . . . )

Off to the store for a few supplies for game time dinner. In the meantime, enjoy the following recipe:

RML’s Wolf Brand Nachos

1 can Wolf Brand chili, with or without beans
1/2 pound tortilla chips
grated cheddar (extra sharp Tillamook is what we use)
garnishes (i.e., onions, olives, whatevs)

Cover serving plate with chips, cover with chili and cheese. Add another layer of chips, chili, and cheese. Microwave on high for 4 minutes. Do two at once for more than three or four people.

Oh, The Who! I will never tire of the guitar intro to Who Are You. Wait! Now Vanilla Ice? Who chose the music for this friggin’ montage?

@JNOV: Hit the link for “Drinks flow. People forget.” up above.

@JNOV: Oops. Sorry. It’s in the Superbowl post at 12:28.


@redmanlaw: Oh, yes! Eminence Front! It’s a put on! I’m still pretty creeped out by and confused about the whole Pete Towshend, “The kiddie porn was on my computer because I was abused and I was doing research?” brouhaha. Does anyone know how that ended?

Black Eagle on the teevee now. And a moment that made me truly proud to be an American. My president dropped an Inspector Gadget reference. (For the record: in re Blackberry.)


@JNOV: Beat the rap. It was “research.” But see, “Rough Boys”:

Rough boys, don’t walk away, I very nearly missed you
Tough boys, come over here, I wanna bite and kiss you


Rough boys, don’t walk away, I wanna buy your leather
Make noise, try and talk me away, we can’t be seen together
Tough kids, what can I do, I’m so pale and weedy
Rough fits, in my hush puppy shoes, but I’m still pleadin’
Bleedin’, needin’, fightin’, winin’, drivin’

@redmanlaw: Tommy is an ode to abuse. And don’t forget “I’m a Boy”. Pete has a lot of demons.

@redmanlaw: @nabisco: Yes. (I know all the words to all the songs on Tommy. Just sayin’.)

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