Check Please!

And now all that remains is for Ted to try to convince a judge that he is too old and infirm to go to prison.

I love that he isn’t going to ask for a pardon from Bush. He is probably just going to get it. When you have been around that long, you don’t need to ask.

homofascist: There is that whole “serving your sentence, expressing remorse” thing that Dubya is so insistent — oh screw it. Pardon City, next stop!

Thank FSM Rachel isn’t using Ariana as her sub again. Mr Cyn calls Mrs H “Lili von Stuppington” because of that voice.

Aw, does this mean the Talibunny has to stay on the frozen tundra? hahahahahahahahahaha!

@Mistress Cynica: Although Tracy Ullman doing her voice is absolutely priceless.

@Jamie Sommers: Better, it means there is a Democratic senator in the state who can spend his afternoons on the phone dreaming up indictments against the Talibunny with the local US AG.

Speaking of shtupping, any word from baked?

@Mistress Cynica: That is the greatest segue in internet history.

And here’s a bad one. Will there be a recount in Alaska?

So long farewell, auf weidersehen good-bye
Ted: I hate to go and report to prison tonight
So long farewell, auf weidersehen adieu
Ted: NOOOOOO, NOOOOO, NOOOOO, NOOOO to you and you and you
So long farewell, au revior auf weidersehen
Sarah: I’d like to stay and run my prez campaign
Sarah: Yes?
US America: No

@Dodgerblue:
I read it was only for a margin of less than 0.5%. It’s now 0.77%.

Thanks for teh memories, Ted, you greasy fuck! Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!

@Mistress Cynica: No kidding. Last night’s show was painful to watch.

So, if Franken wins in MN and Martin wins in GA, we get the 60 Senator supermajority and we can enact laws to have Republicans gutted and stuffed and put on display?

@Mistress Cynica: I always thought it was Von Schtupp. Mel is not subtle. Its why I love him.

@FlyingChainSaw: oh, I wish! But if they don’t have the cojones to go after Droopy Dawg….

Begich and Franken!! Two Jews!! No blues!!
I’m getting kind of loopy.

@Promnight: You’re right. It is Von Schtupp.

@Dodgerblue: What’s Stuart Smalley’s status? Is the recount underway?

Jamie Sommers / FlyingChainSaw: Yep — it’s 60 only with Joementum.

But let us take a step back. Dems are +7 on the Senate this go-round, out of 35 races. Even if we don’t get not-Saxby and him… Al Franken, that’s a good old fashioned clockin’.

@chicago bureau: Yeah, no shit. The Gang-raping Old Pederasts party couldn’t beat a fucking clown.

Perfect.

@chicago bureau: @FlyingChainSaw: I’ll drink to that!

@Promnight: It is. That was my misspelled yiddish translation of Mr. Cyn’s name for Ariana.
“I’m tired…tired of playing the game…”

I love my cynical pals.

A crazy Texas Prosecutor has indicted Cheney on some bizzarre theory involving his investments in private prison firms, thats cool.

I found a wild tomato plant in my yard last weekend, a little baby that grew from a seed, not planted by me, a seed that fell in my yard, maybe a slice of tomato off a burger, I first noticed it in September, a little seedling, and left it alone, tomato plants are like sacred cows to me, and when I was cleaning up my yard for the winter, sadly putting away all the outdoor furniture, I looked at it, this week we are having our first hard frost, and I figured its jig was up. Well, its about 8 inches tall, and to my amazement, it bloomed and set a tomato, in fucking November! The tomato is only the size of a pea, and it has a frost scar or two, but I could not let this plant die, so I transplanted it to a pot and took it inside and went out and bought a grow-bulb for it. Its a brave, valiant little miracle plant and I am determined to make it live, and harvest a Christmas tomato. I think I have the makings of a children’s book! Its a miracle, and made my heart glad.

@chicago bureau: Ahem: please to be giving to Jim Martin now. Saxby Shameless and his GOP cronies are hitting the airwaves hard with lies. Runoff in Georgia on Dec. 2. Thank you.

On the other hand, though, this is the happiest news I received all day. This means Talibunny’s plans for national office/more media time than even now have been thwarted until 2012. And I’m assuming ’12 won’t go so well, so let’s say 2014.

Between the Cheney indictment and Stevens getting tossed out, I think I’ve got teh Hope back.

The best graphic evah showing the schadenfreude-y delight of a Republitard’s defeat was on Joe.My.God. when Elizabeth Dole got kicked out. I need to get to photoshopping….

@Mistress Cynica: I am very weirded out by the fact that today’s not-Rachel used to share the anchor’s desk (such as it was) with Kurt Loder. Also weird, Kurt Loder still works at MTV.

TJ for the gheyz and girlz and anyone else who will find this amusing:

So I’m checking email, reading about the Cheney indictment, and hollering here at Stinque while sitting on my balcony at a hotel in an area with many hotels and balconies and a guy just walked out on the balcony at the hotel across the street – I think he’s about on the 17th floor – buck naked. He walked out, scratched his balls, looked out at the ocean and the view in the direction of my hotel and then I think he realized that my hotel was right across the way and he scurried back in to his room.

ha ha ha ha ha ha

/carry on.

@mellbell: I knew she looked vaguely familiar.

@SanFranLefty: Obvs question, was he hot? Similar experience in the Washington Hilton on Connecticut Avenue just up from DC Ghey central while in high school, although the said dude was walking around naked in the hallway.

@rptrcub: Couldn’t really see his face. Also couldn’t assess his hirsuteness for those of you who wonder about those things. I’d judge the distance at about 150 feet. Looked like a 30something ex-frat boy white guy with a bit of a gut.

@Promnight:
Sounds like your heart grew three sizes today.

@SanFranLefty:
LOL

@rptrcub: Also known as “the Hinckley Hilton” (also known as “the Hilton a couple hundred yards from my apartment”).

@SanFranLefty: Always with the ball scratching. Tell me, guys, I want to know: Are they really that itchy?

@SanFranLefty: I’ll just put him in the “undecided” pile.

@mellbell: My friends and I recreated Reagan getting shot for our disposable cameras, and for shits and giggles, and got a blessing-out by our teacher for doing so, even though she was a die-hard Dem. This was also during the Clinton impeachment (yeah yeah yeah yeah I’m a baby yeah yeah yeah), and I had the double fun of getting to cuss out Bob Barr in the street, in person.

@Mistress Cynica: Sometimes. If it’s happening all of the time, it’s time to head down to the VD clinic.

@Mistress Cynica: My theory is that they are itchy if you don’t do basic manscapping and you walk around in tighty whities all day. Those who hang loose don’t seem to scratch themselves as much. That’s all purely based upon my observations and not actually possessing a set of them.

@rptrcub: yeah yeah yeah yeah I’m a baby yeah yeah yeah

You and me both, kid. Better keep it down or we’ll wake the old folks.

@mellbell: And you know how cranky we get. Now get the hell off my lawn!

@Mistress Cynica: Its not itchyness. Its freedom. Me, the older I get, the more I like being as naked as possible. Now I know why my dad loved to sit on the couch watching TV in his boxers so much he would not care if I was having a friend over, he’d just sit there proud in his boxers. Mortification was a major emotion for me as a teen.

But there is something about wandering around your hotel room naked, free to scratch your balls, and yes, in the liberating freedom of the moment, I too have wandered out on the balcony. During my charter in the Virgin Islands last winter, I took to nakedness when we were out “at sea,” why the fuck not, and I just wore a sarong at anchorages.

But when you are alone and free in a hotel room, I think sometimes you just scratch your balls to check and see if your wiener is in the mood to play, if it is, you have that going on, which is fun too. If its not in the mood, thats OK, it will be, eventually, thats pretty much one of the few things a guy can be sure of, death, taxes, and masturbation.

I am a horrible hypochondriac, always practicing my deathbed goodbyes, wanting to get it right, convinced every ache and pain and indigestion is cancer, and on more than a few occasions, masturbation has restored my faith that I am not dying. Nothing like beating your meat like it owes you money and gasping out a joyous solitary O to make you realize that you are indeed alive and all is well with the world.

I understand the female equivalent is a long hot bath with candles lit.

And a showermassage on a long hose.

Here’s a stinque at night topic: water jets, the effect thereof on the tingly bits. My own experience, and position on the matter, its better than crack cocaine.

@Promnight: I’m waiting for JNOV’s Tales from the X-Ray Technician story involving shower massages/water jets/water pics stuck in orifices in 5…4…3…

Mistress Cynica: a concurring opinion to rptrcub — there’s always something not quite right down there. Shorts riding up, one hair out of place, etc. Makes you feel like you’re riding a barbed-wire fence.

We are all LBJ’s Haggar slacks now.

I am gonna tell you all my very first experience of “sex,” though I did not know thats what it was at the time. When I was in 5th or 6th grade, yes, 10 or 12 at the most, I lived in this run-down apartment complex, and there were no kids my age, but I hung around with two older girls, they were freshmen in high school. And the apartment complex had this little indoor pool, with a sauna, too, in a common area thing. And noone ever used it but us kids, so in the winter we would go and lay under the tanning lamps and sit in the sauna and swim in the indoor pool, me and my two older girl buddies. There was never, ever anything sexual between us, no kissing, touching, no playing “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, ” but one night in the indoor pool, I discovered the water jets, which were about at waist level around the sides of the pool, and I discovered that if you put your groinal area in the path of the water jet, there was this amazing, absolutely amazing tingly tickly feeling, and I was just a kid and had no idea, but I got addicted to my friend the water jet, and the chicks watched me, no shame here, I had no clue, and they decided to see what this was about. And so there we were standing in the pool each facing our own water jet, I was just amazed by the tingly tickly feeling, I don’t think I was capable of orgasm yet, but they were, I think, because they started making noises, they threw their legs up over the side of the pool and straddled those water jets, and they were, I now realize with my adult knowledge, having multiples. One of them took a chair and put it in the pool so she could sit in it and position herself for a good long time, and there was groaning.

Like I say, I only knew later what was going on. It never happened again, but I am willing to bet they went back there without me a lot after that.

What a nice, sweet story of growing up, huh?

@Promnight: Wait, please explain why there were tanning lamps at the apartment complex? I kind of got fixated on that part of the story.

I’m-Starting-to-Fear-Myself TJ…

I’m at the laundromat today, and they have one of those “Jack” iPod-shuffle stations on the radio. Out of nowhere comes “Money for Nothing,” a song I haven’t actually heard probably in twenty years, and just happened to reference Sunday.

Okay, fine, these things happen.

But for the past couple of days, I’ve had Paul Simon’s “American Tune” on my mind, again for no particular reason, and again I probably haven’t listened to it for twenty years.

So Paul Simon’s on Colbert just now, and…

…I’m out of tinfoil. Yeah, that’s it.

@nojo: I’m finding that our “Jack” radio station in Atlanta mutated into something that’s utterly boring and nothing but light pop-rock crap. Yawn.

TJ: Mittens Romney calls for Detroit to go bankrupt.

@rptrcub: Fuck-em, they’re all gentiles.

@SanFranLefty: Ah dunno. It was like one of the “amenities” of the place, this kinda spa-like thing, there were saunas (nice wood ones with the hot rocks you could pour water on), tanning beds, yes, even back in 1971, and an indoor pool.

@Prommie: I, for one, welcome our new Jewish overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted raging lunatic, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground gefilte caves.

@rptrcub: ah, but rptrcub, the Mormonons refer to us christians as “gentiles.” They think it should be okay to hunt us for food. As far as lying, cheating, and stealing from us, its a virtue to them, Salt Lake City is the white collar crime capital of the US.

Here’s a delicious little thread jack, the WSJ reports that the economic crisis has hit the courtesan industry, rich men are cutting back on their payments to their mistresses:
http://blogs.wsj.com/wealth/2008/11/18/rich-cut-back-on-payments-to-mistresses

Ah, but women, it turns out, are more generous than men, and less like to cut back in the way they support their boytoys. I am glad I am a kept man, and not a kept woman, thats for sure.

@Prommie:
Along similar lines, I read somewhere that the “Sex and The City” culture is starting to die out because the Carrie Bradshaw fantasy life of wearing Manny B’s and drinking Cosmos is pretty fucking expensive.

@ManchuCandidate: Manchu, I can’t post on brand W anymore, but you can, and there is a gem about the Nate Silver interview that has me busting. In answering the very first question, this Ziegler guy claims he only polled Obama supporters. because then his sample would only have to be half the size to get the same accuracy. In other words, he thinks you have to have double the sample size to get the same confidence interval if your population is 100 million, as opposed to 50 million.

This is the fucking stupidest, most completely illiterate, moronic statement ever made and demonstrates utter fucking ignorance. Its blindingly wrong. Its absurdly wrong, crazily scarily dumb. And the irony, this guy is doing a documentary about how people voted for Obama out of ignorance.

@Prommie:
It’s even worse than that. He’s trying to show how stupid Obama supporters are without a baseline of how stupid everyone is.

I guessed that he’s using himself as the baseline and turned it into a dick measuring contest.

Can I just say that I deeply enjoyed Allison Stewart as a stand-in for Rachel last night, and that after reading this morning’s thread all I can think of is her in a whirlpool with Dire Straits playing in the background?

@rptrcub: Actually, there is no “gefilte” fish, in the same way that chickens don’t have nuggets. I think “gefilte” is Yiddish for “a bunch of fish scraps my grandmother put together because the Cossacks had stolen everything else.”

@nabisco: Late night drankin with Rachel on the Air America cruise could be fun.

@Dodgerblue: Whatever it is, it makes shiksas like me gag.

@Mistress Cynica: try it with horseradish.

@Mistress Cynica: @Dodgerblue: I know there’s a shiska/Jewish American Princess blow job joke somewhere in there, but I’m stone cold sober right now and it’s not coming (so to speak) to me.

@SanFranLefty: Blowjob cliches, I think none of them have any merit whatsoever. There is the famous joke, why does the bride smile when she walks down the aisle, she knows she has given her last blowjob. There is the classic, how does a JAP eat a bannana, the answer is a demonstration wherein one places one’s hand on the back of one’s head and forces ones head down onto the bannana. Ha ha, very funny. Perhaps that one is born of ignorance, in my neck of the woods, the myth is that the jewish girls are quick to gobble the knob, while the wasps say “ughh” and perform a perfunctory kiss on the wiener while holding their nose. Did you know that Polish girls are reputed to be quite uninhibited and eager to give up the third input? Its all balderdash.

There is one thing about blowjobs that truly seems to have changed since the 70s. In my day, oral sex was certainly prized and sought after, but it was considered more intimate than intercourse (we probably weren’t fucking right). To me it always did and still does require more trust. It was the last boundary, not the first.

But during the Clinton shitstorm, I learned that among the youts, it was considered less than sex, a much more casual thing, it seems, than we considered it.

I don’t know when that changed, or did it? Is it just that I am an old fart saying “hey you kids, get off my lawn?”

What, will noone make sexy talk anymore? I confess to waterjet fetish, and even pre-pubescent source of fascination, bring up blowjob cliches, rich field for dicussion of relative intimacy levels and societal views of oral vs. sex-sex. No responses, bupkis. Where the hell is JNOV?

@Promnight: I have a friend who calls blowjobs “god’s gift to women” because you can be done in 10 minutes and off to relax in a hot bath with a good book. She (and I, and a number of women I know) will do it to avoid the intimacy of intercourse with a man we’re no longer in love with. My failed marriage did much to improve my oral skills.
However, I am completely horrified that, thanks to Camille Paglia and Bill Clinton, the jr high set regards blowjobs as roughly the equivalent of what french kissing was when we were their age.

@Mistress Cynica: Ah, but to my surprise, you do say blowjobs can be used to avoid the intimacy of intercourse, which I think is the way teh kids these days think of them.

Oh well. I am totally addicted to giving oral sex, and have never regarded it as a means to avoid intimacy, to me its the greatest intimacy, and I always thought the same holds true for the reverse. It means I love you if I am crazy to lick and slurp and suck all over you, and besides, throughout my sexual life, the only turn-on for me has been turning on the other, you’re allowing me to give you ecstacy gives me the greatest ecstacy (I mean “you” in the general sense, please note).

I think I sense the trust too much. I have never been so horny that I would knowingly accept appeasement sex. I desire the trust and honest communication more than anything, the intimacy, the connection. Even just the honesty of mutual enjoyment of pure fun, as happened during single days.

@SanFranLefty: Q: How do you get a Jewish girl to stop having sex?
A: Marry her.

@Dodgerblue:
And what’s her favorite position?
Facing Bloomies.

ba-dump.

@Promnight: Hey! I’m sorry I left you hanging. I’ve been working my ass off, and I’ve been lurking at work. Today I slept in, but I’m about to get ready to go back to my own private hell on Earth. Huzzah! By the time I get home, I’m so friggin’ tired. I try to get through the comments, but I have nothing to say. The story of my life.

@JNOV:
S’okay. Glad to hear from you though.

@SanFranLefty: Here’s another classic:

The doctor summoned his patient into his office with a very grave look on his face. “I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred, ” he said, “but I’m afraid you’ve only got about 6 months to live.”

“Oh my God” gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, “Listen Doc, you’ve known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?”

“Have you ever married?” asked the doctor.

Fred explained that he had been a bachelor his whole life.

“You might think about taking a wife,” the doctor proposed. “After all, you’ll need someone to look after you during the final illness.”

“That’s a good point Doc,” mused Fred. “And with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my time.”

“May I make one more suggestion?” asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said “Marry a Jewish girl.”

“A Jewish girl? How come?” asked Fred.

“It’ll seem longer.”

@Dodgerblue:
@SanFranLefty:

What’s her favorite w(h)ine?
I wanna go to Miami

@JNOV: Glad to hear from ya, and keep at it JNOV. Hope and Change don’t pay the bills, after all.

ADD: Glad to see google ads have put the fish poacher in rotation, but again with the Enya? I must have Prom’s cookies…

@nabisco: I have “World of Warcraft” and “The Audacity of Hope” so I must have your cookies…

It’s no joke: Waxman (aka Yoda) is in, Dingell out. It’s about fucking time.