We’ve been trying to rewrite this lead all afternoon, but how do you compete with greatness?

A man has been banned by a court from having sex with his partner at her home after keeping neighbours awake with loud shouting and banging in the night.

Really, you might as well try to outswim Phelps, or outkaraoke some cute Chinese kid.

As to the details: neighbors complained, Rutting Gold Medalist Adam Hinton was hit with a £200 fine for “breaching a noise abatement order” — crank at 11, we hope — Hinton threatened the neighbors, and the Brighton, England, council stepped in with an injunction against him to mind his distance.

How loud was it? While we can’t find reports of car alarms being set off, some neighbors had to be moved to quieter flats. How can you sleep with all that fucking racket going on?

Man banned from sex at love nest [BBC. That’s right. BB-fucking-C.]

The Houston Police Department has been caught with its pants down after $50,000 worth of sex toys turned up missing from its property warehouse.

The 564 “devices” — sorry, details not available — were seized in a 2005 vice raid on the Adult Video Megaplexxx, and locked away as evidence. But after the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the relevant law and the owners asked for their inventory back, they were told the toys had been destroyed.

One problem with that: There’s no required court order on file authorizing the destruction.

But while we entertain the obvious explanations, pity the poor acting director of the UT law school’s Criminal Defense Clinic, who got called to comment on the story. “If I go over to your house and spend the night there and leave my shoes,” he asked, “can I expect my shoes to be there three years later?”

Missing sex toys raise concerns at HPD property room [Houston Chronicle]

Maybe it’s best that we can’t find details about this, but Edward Smith of Washington really loves cars. No, he really loves them. Yes, that way.

His current squeeze is Vanilla, a white Beetle. This follows tempestuous affairs with Victoria (’69 Beetle) and Cinnamon (’73 Opal), but he also likes to rock the larger ladies, like Ginger (’93 Ranger). And then there are the thousand or so one-night stands in showrooms and with strangers’ cars, which might explain those neighborhood alarms going off at 2 a.m.

Smith himself is a ’51 American who peeled his first paint at 15. “Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall, but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters, it’s just wonderful,” he says when he’s not shagging the upholstery.

We’d write more, but our Civic has been a bad coupe and needs to be punished.

Meet the man who has had sex with 1,000 cars! [Newstrack India]

Although, now that you mention it, the deer threesome is a thing to behold. And we’d really like to get the Back-Door Pandas as a gift for that special someone, but the museum store seems to be down at the moment. But at least we now know what Colonel Hathi and Winifred were doing when Junior wasn’t looking.

Animals Get Freaky at Museum of Sex [Wired]

Sex Lives of Animals (press images) [Museum of Sex]

We can’t hope to top a week featuring Sex with God and Sex with Dog, and while we’re strangely attracted to Sex with Pope, let’s instead head for the cybermall to go shopping for Christian sex toys. If these don’t make you scream for Jesus, we pray for your soul.

Inner Desire Velvet Touch Egg
“We were very happy to find that the entire thing, even the controller is waterproof in the shower.”

Fun Factory Patchy Paul
“Detailed operating instructions are included with a sample of Toyfluid.”

Duckie Waterproof Massager
“But when the mood does strike… let’s just say the duckie is real pleasure to have around!”

Snuggle Puss
“A contact point at the base of the ‘u’ turns it on when inserted, so Snuggle Puss works when you wear it.”

Rock Hard Power Spray
“This spray desensitizes with benzocaine to prolong your erection.”

Chocolate Body Frosting
“The chocolate frosting was absolutely delicious, but I preferred licking it off my fingers. My husband is too hairy!”

Vanilla Tie Up Kit
“Our Vanilla Bondage Lover’s Kit combines a creamy blindfold with the seductive swirl of silky ties in a faux ice cream package.”

Before and After Toy Cleaner
“We don’t have to leave our private toys to dry on the counter where little eyes might see them in the morning.”

Covenant Spice: Christian romance and sex toys to enhance intimacy

The joy of Christian sex [Sydney Morning Herald]

While the headline may inspire torrid fantasies of Freddy Rodríguez with a hot cadaver, this, alas, is much more tawdry. Seems some enterprising Wisconsin youths figured it was never too late, and set out for the graveyard to get their ghoulish freak on:

Police say the three men, carrying shovels, a crowbar and a box of condoms, went to a cemetery in southwestern Wisconsin in 2006 to dig up the body of [a 20-year-old woman] who had been killed the week before in a motorcycle crash.

The shovels worked, the crowbar didn’t, and they never got around to the rubbers — they couldn’t pry the casket open, and ran off when a car drove by. They were eventually caught and convicted — but they appealed on the claim that Wisconsin doesn’t outlaw sex with dead people.

And so, in a landmark ruling sure to be the highlight of next year’s bar exam, the Wisconsin Supreme Court declared this week that necrophilia is indeed a punishable offense.

Their reasoning? Corpses are unable to give consent.

Court: Wisconsin law bans sex with dead bodies [AP]

June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly. They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.

Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress [1745]