Uncle Joe isn’t gonna save us, is he?
We wanted Uncle Joe to save us. That’s who everybody said we wanted, anyway. Everybody’s worried that we don’t want Grandpa Bernie to save us, or Aunt Liz. Everybody’s worried about what we think. They think we want Uncle Joe to save us. Only Uncle Joe isn’t gonna save us.
But maybe Cranky Mike will!
Cranky Mike is rich, after all. Really rich. Like, Scrooge McDuck rich. Maybe Cranky Mike can save us. He’s rich enough to save us. Cranky Mike can afford to save us.
God knows we need somebody saving us. Only not Grandpa Bernie or Aunt Liz. We don’t want them saving us. We’re pretty sure the neighbors don’t anyway. Sure, Don Vader is all evil and shit, but if it’s a choice between Evil Don and anybody saving us, well, kind of depends who’s saving us, doesn’t it? Maybe the neighbors don’t want Grandpa Bernie or Aunt Liz saving them. Maybe, given that choice, they’ll figure that Evil Don isn’t all that evil.
And then nobody will save us. Because given the choice between evil and uncomfortable, the neighbors will choose Evil every time.
Don’t ask us how we know. We just do.
There’s a lot at stake, you understand. The fate of our Republic. Tyranny or Freedom. We can’t take chances. We could live with Uncle Joe or Cranky Mike if we had to. But we know the neighbors couldn’t live with with Grandpa Bernie or Aunt Liz. We just do. We know that if the choice is between kids in cages and healthcare for everybody, the neighbors will choose the cages every time. The neighbors can live with kids in cages, after all. They can’t live with healthcare for everybody. Not if that’s the only choice.
So Cranky Mike it is! Unless it’s not. It’s not Uncle Joe, after all. We thought it was, and then it wasn’t, and if it’s not Cranky Mike either, we don’t know who will save us. Certainly not Grandpa Bernie or Aunt Liz. Nobody wants them saving us.
Certainly nobody on teevee, anyway. And really, who else is there?