Selected Excerpts


January 6, 2017

What follows are notes I typed in the vehicle immediately upon exiting Trump Tower.

I said the Russians allegedly had tapes involving him and prostitutes at the Presidential Suite at the Ritz Carlton in Moscow from about 2013. He interjected, “there were no prostitutes, there were never prostitutes.” He then said something about him being the kind of guy who didn’t need to “go there” and laughed (which I understand to be communicating that he didn’t need to pay for sex).

January 28, 2017

I had dinner with President Trump in the Green Room at the White House last night. I explained that he could count on me to always tell him the truth. I said I don’t do sneaky things. I don’t leak. I don’t do weasel moves. I imagined that Russian hookers likely have expertise in both departments, but I did not raise this point in conversation.

At about this point, he turned to what he called the “golden showers thing” and recounted much of what he said previously on that topic, adding that he had known supermodels who craved the opportunity to “polish his brass” (which I took to refer to massaging his testicles and/or penis), and that he had never paid for intimacy, although the aftermath was occasionally expensive.

February 8, 2017

I went to the White House today for a “meet and greet” with COS Reince Priebus. I explained to him that at our dinner the President had expressed interest in having me investigate the Golden Showers thing. He let out a high-pitched giggle at the phrase, which suggested to me he had the emotional composure of a 13-year-old, and likely had not made the shortlist for his position, but Jared Kushner had not wanted the job.

He then asked me whether this was a “private conversation.” I replied that it was. He then said he wanted to ask me a question and I could decide whether it was appropriate to answer. He then asked whether I had ever “done it”.

Reince then took me to the Oval Office to greet the President on my way out. The President brought up the “Golden Showers thing”. The President said “the hookers thing” is nonsense but that Putin had told him “we have some of the most beautiful hookers in the world.” I heard an audible gasp behind me, and turned to see Reince put his hand to his mouth as his eyes widened with delight.

February 14, 2017

I attended an Oval Office homeland threat briefing for the President today. At the completion of the session, the President thanked everyone and said he wanted to speak with me alone. He then asked if “you saw my Tweet this morning,” and quickly added that “it is really about the leaks.” I took this to mean he remained concerned about the urinary-entertainment skills of Russian escorts, and that he would explain to me that he’s knocked up some of the most bitchin’ babes who can be found buck naked in the sticky pages of stroke mags, perhaps throwing in some man-to-man about what really went down in the coke-fogged basement of Studio 54, but I was disappointed to learn he was talking about his phone calls to the leaders of Mexico and Australia.

March 1, 2017

Just called to check in and see how I’m doing. I said I’m doing great, have a lot going on. He suggested I don’t worry about booking expensive round trips if I travel to field offices. That’s it.

March 30, 2017

The President called me on my CMS phone at 8:13 a.m. today, apparently during a Fox & Friends commercial break. He went on at great length, explaining that he was not involved with hookers in Russia (can you imagine me, hookers? I mean, just try to imagine it, imagine me paying for pussy when I can get all the tail I want by just promising a spot on my game show), is bringing a personal lawsuit against Christopher Steele, has accounts now from those travelled with him to Miss Universe pageant that he didn’t do anything, etc.

He asked what he could do to lift the cloud. I advised him to be patient and wait for the “storm” to pass. He then said something that sounded like “damn, y’alls”, although I have not known him to affect a Southern accent, and may in fact have misheard him.

May 9, 2017

Fuck that asshole. I’m writing a book.

Comey memos detail Trump’s comments on Russia, reservations about Flynn [CNN]

So bizarre to hear HAF John Heilemann blabbing about “golden showers” and Katy Tur bannig the use of “taint team.” Swear we’re in the upside down.

In other news, here’s a chicken on a swing.

Tdumbp is the very picture of an Unfuckable that has 2 pay 4 it, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Even Melanoma blithely admits she married him 4 $$$.

I am a bad person. This article is funny and it’s not, but it is. I had to stop reading it due to guilt.

“If the feds put pressure on Tdumbp, there’s a good chance he’ll flip on himself.”
— Seth Meyers

@¡Andrew!: ::chortle::

Hey! One of my Mason bees came back and is in a new nesting hole! I have not been abandoned!

Jeez – if I were still on FB, I could ask locals where to find free pallets for the duck house and whatever survivalist project I might attempt. I’ve been sold on the idea of govt run amok.

@andrew, et al.: You guys can come hunker down when things go super sideways. I’m loading up on toilet paper because it will be the currency of the future. Silly Bitcoin people.

@JNOV: Thank you, though fair warning: You could wind up with a tween tazzing out from social media withdrawal under your roof ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@¡Andrew!: MY BABY IS A TWEEN! OMG! So fast. So fast!

Oh wow. JNOVJr turns 29 this year.

Nojo, how long has this site been up? Almost 10 years?

@JNOV: Cynics was rolling by now. Stinque was aroond September 2008.

You pretty much captured much of Comey’s style. Trump’s too.

Okay, you had me going until the end of the third paragraph. 4th confirmed it. Masterfully done.

We’re linking to it.

@Burr Deming: The first entry is straight. Then it starts, uh, veering off.

The Romaine Holiday has me peckish.

BTW, can you even imagine how many abortions Twitler has paid for?

It’ll be a major plot twist when that comes out and all the Evilungelical ChrISIStians pause from screaming their “heil Tdumbps” long enough to demand that he push The Button and give the human species a retroactive, thermonuclear abortion.

“Puh-rayz Jayzus–we’re ah-comin’ hoooome!!!”

@JNOV: I like the passive aggressive reference to his obviosuly waxed mustache. He gets points for persistence, offset by apparently not realizing that absolutley nobody was on his side.

@¡Andrew!: Sadly, as with everything else he has done, the American Taliban will turn their Mullah Omar blimd eye as long as Mike!Pence doesn’t comment. Which he never will because, well, failed Indiana pol, etc.

@flypaper: I KNOW! Hahahaha. Full disclosure – I read it a few times. Good to see you, friend. :-)

@¡Andrew!: I was listening to the new Janelle Monáe, and this took me back to ’80s Quiet Storm slow jams and mix tapes.

What’s someone gotta do here to get a fucking smart quote, yo?

’80s Quiet Storm

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