It Tied the Room Together
Just when everybody thought things couldn’t get any worse, Donald Trump peed on the Oval Office rug.
Nobody saw it coming. Trump hadn’t consulted with advisers before deciding to take a leak on the rug in the White House. He didn’t really decide, for that matter. He just felt like it.
And then he took a picture of it. And posted it to Twitter.
That’s when all hell broke loose. We hadn’t seen a Fail Whale in forever, but there it was, a happy aquatic mammal being rescued from a sea of server failures caused by Donald Trump’s carefree whiz. Everybody was retweeting it, when they could get through. “TAKE THAT SNOWFLAKES” tweeted @MAGA_THIS_ASSHOLE. “This is very worrisome,” fretted a professional fretter who was concerned that liberal outrage would irrevocably rend the social fabric. “Urine for a treat!” said someone who thought he was being funny.
Sarah Sanders handled that afternoon’s presser with her usual dismal aplomb. “The President was expressing how the rest of the world treats America,“ she said strongly, before strongly denying that Trump had peed on the rug all, and that the stain was just a shadow.
Congressional Republicans rushed to Trump’s defense. “Under the Constitution, the President has the authority to decorate the White House as he sees fit,” said Paul Ryan. “This isn’t a matter for Senate deliberation,” said Mitch McConnell, although word leaked later that he sent a pint of bourbon to 1600 Penn.
John McCain gave a celebrated speech from the Senate floor bemoaning the institutional failure of the White House cleaning staff, then did nothing. Lindsey Graham complimented Trump on his aim.
Across America, people were sure this would be the thing that took Trump down, the thing that was finally too outrageous to ignore, unlike the time Trump shit on the couch, or the time he stood on the roof and waved his dick at the crowd along the fence, or the time he gave a State of the Union buck naked, and everyone rose to applaud because they didn’t know else to do. Surely this time it would be peeing on the rug that did it, the rug that symbolized the hopes and dreams of a nation, the rug that tied America together.
But the next day Trump made the Korean ambassador suck him off behind the Resolute Desk, and it all started over again.