An Investigation Into the Size of Donald Trump’s Penis
Donald Trump lies at golf. This is the word for it, as “cheats” implies a charming old coot who pulls a few tricks on the course. Donald Trump does not pull any tricks. He just lies.
This should not come as a surprise. Donald Trump lies about everything. We see ample evidence of this daily. His lies are most intense when his ego is involved, which is always. Donald Trump lies about everything, especially himself. Donald Trump has never been known to tell the truth.
In March 2016, long before we were all forced to endure Donald Trump’s lies daily, to live inside them, he took issue with Marco Rubio’s reference to Spy magazine’s immortal Trump characterization:
“Look at those hands, are they small hands?”
But Rubio had also implied a correlation of short fingers, which Trump addressed as well:
“And, he referred to my hands — ‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”
Eighteen months later, nine months into his presidency, the form of Trump’s expression is now very familiar. We hear it all the time. We hear it when he lies. And we hear it because Donald Trump lies all the time. Even at golf.
So we are forced to conclude that there is a problem, a problem with the size of Donald Trump’s penis, which is now our problem, America’s problem, because America cannot lead the world with a small penis.
Especially after Barack Obama. Because, you know.
When America slaps its dick on the table, America wants that sound to resonate, to shake the ground with the thunder of the gods. Our dick-slapping will be heard. Our foes and allies will tremble alike at the quake of our robust timber. To be led by a weenie is to recoil in shame that we lack the manifest awesomeness to exercise our will.
And a dude who’s compelled to lie about his dick clearly has something to hide.
What makes matters worse is that we have yet to see evidence that anyone in the Republican leadership has any balls. Donald Trump’s penis is so tiny, so insignificant, that surely a small boy could stand up to him, yet Republicans, faced with daily evidence that Donald Trump’s small penis is leading our nation to certain destruction, lack the testicular fortitude to object, to demand that Trump stop desecrating the Washington Monument with his shameful nubbin.
And so too, we are sad to say, Our Fellow Americans, those of hearty European stock who once elected legendary dicks to office, but whose own members are now so shriveled that they must drag everyone else down to their own limp level, lest they be reminded of their dwindling potency. Our seed, which once conquered a land, can now barely fertilize a flower pot.
Speak softly, Teddy Roosevelt once said, and carry a big stick. That’s our America, the America we’ve lost, an America of priapic glory. For we are now led by a loudmouth with a small dick, who will never get closer to what we once were than by hugging a flagpole.