An Investigation Into the Size of Donald Trump’s Penis

Donald Trump lies at golf. This is the word for it, as “cheats” implies a charming old coot who pulls a few tricks on the course. Donald Trump does not pull any tricks. He just lies.

This should not come as a surprise. Donald Trump lies about everything. We see ample evidence of this daily. His lies are most intense when his ego is involved, which is always. Donald Trump lies about everything, especially himself. Donald Trump has never been known to tell the truth.

In March 2016, long before we were all forced to endure Donald Trump’s lies daily, to live inside them, he took issue with Marco Rubio’s reference to Spy magazine’s immortal Trump characterization:

“Look at those hands, are they small hands?”

But Rubio had also implied a correlation of short fingers, which Trump addressed as well:

“And, he referred to my hands — ‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”

Eighteen months later, nine months into his presidency, the form of Trump’s expression is now very familiar. We hear it all the time. We hear it when he lies. And we hear it because Donald Trump lies all the time. Even at golf.

So we are forced to conclude that there is a problem, a problem with the size of Donald Trump’s penis, which is now our problem, America’s problem, because America cannot lead the world with a small penis.

Especially after Barack Obama. Because, you know.

When America slaps its dick on the table, America wants that sound to resonate, to shake the ground with the thunder of the gods. Our dick-slapping will be heard. Our foes and allies will tremble alike at the quake of our robust timber. To be led by a weenie is to recoil in shame that we lack the manifest awesomeness to exercise our will.

And a dude who’s compelled to lie about his dick clearly has something to hide.

What makes matters worse is that we have yet to see evidence that anyone in the Republican leadership has any balls. Donald Trump’s penis is so tiny, so insignificant, that surely a small boy could stand up to him, yet Republicans, faced with daily evidence that Donald Trump’s small penis is leading our nation to certain destruction, lack the testicular fortitude to object, to demand that Trump stop desecrating the Washington Monument with his shameful nubbin.

And so too, we are sad to say, Our Fellow Americans, those of hearty European stock who once elected legendary dicks to office, but whose own members are now so shriveled that they must drag everyone else down to their own limp level, lest they be reminded of their dwindling potency. Our seed, which once conquered a land, can now barely fertilize a flower pot.

Speak softly, Teddy Roosevelt once said, and carry a big stick. That’s our America, the America we’ve lost, an America of priapic glory. For we are now led by a loudmouth with a small dick, who will never get closer to what we once were than by hugging a flagpole.


I’m still hopeful that a permanent political alignment of Latinos and Millennials with the Democrats will ensure that Twitler is the last RepubliKKKan president.

Also, I can’t freakin’ believe that we don’t have the Ru$$ian piss-hookers tape yet.

Putin, urine trouble!1!

@¡Andrew!: The problem is that they’re aligning in big cities and states. The Senate is going to fuck us over for a very long time.


Marc Maron did a great interview with David Remnick for his podcast several months ago, and Remnick pulled no punches. Trump is a bullshitter, and has a lifetime of bullshit behind him as proof. More than a liar – I lie to my kids about past chemical indiscretions, for example, and spun fantastic lies about Santa Claus and that they didn’t have to worry, our electorate would never allow and asshole like Trump into the White House. Trump spews bullshit about everything from his net worth to his hair and his IQ to the side of his dick. This is an important distinction.

@¡Andrew!: I too remain unconvinced. The picture of the Jets fan sitting on an American flag is proof that there are enough people willing to swallow this short-dicked vulgarian’s bullshit to not only re-elect him (or elect Mike Penis) bit to maintain the crazy until we are in ashes.

@nojo: Whether or not our rulers face reality, the US government is facing a growing legitimacy crisis. Confidence in our national institutions is at historic lows, with the Ku Klux KONgress barely out of single digits. The ‘direction of the country’ metric has been underwater for well over a decade, and a bare majority of Millennials don’t consider Twitler to be a legitimate president. Taken altogether, we can no longer call ourselves a representative democracy, because our failed system of government is neither democratic nor representative.

Where all this is heading is anyone’s guess, but at some point a fiscal, security, or political crisis is gonna cause the current regime to collapse like a china shop in a 10.0 quake.

@¡Andrew!: We’re a Failed State, which is what I was going to write before I became obsessed with Trump’s dick. Might still get to that one.

@ManchuCandidate: He was a class act who lived life to the fullest right up ’til the end. We should all strive for such grace and dignity.

@¡Andrew!: Shit, man. You fucking nailed it. That is, indeed, the worthiest of goals.

@ManchuCandidate: Thank you for an education. Listening now for first time. Love the music.

/in other nooz/

1-800-EAT-SHIT Finally Publishes Decades Of Reckless-Driving Data

Cattalone went to say that any peer reviewers seeking to challenge the survey’s methodology or criticize its findings can also call the number.

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