On Cocksucking

Everything I know, I learned from Al Swearengen.

We know we’re late to this one, what with the cancellation and all, but there’s something about the finale to Alec Baldwin’s Potty-Mouthed Tirade that fascinates us. Seems he disputes what everybody thinks they heard when he cussed out an intrusive street photographer:

You can’t really tell what I’m saying… if I called him ‘cocksucking maggot’ or a ‘cocksucking motherfucker’… ‘faggot’ is not the word that came out of my mouth.

Baldwin insists that he didn’t say faggot. But he freely admits to cocksucking.

We might praise Baldwin at this point for at least avoiding redundancy, presuming (if we may) that All Faggots Are Cocksuckers, making the repeated emphasis unneeded. For that matter, cocksucker itself isn’t necessarily a slur, since Not All Cocksuckers Are Faggots. The photographer may have been a woman, after all, making cocksucking a somewhat randy compliment, at least until you get to motherfucker.

Except we’re reasonably sure the photographer was male, or else Baldwin would have been apologizing for calling her a fucking cunt. So we’re back where we began: If we give Baldwin faggot, we’re still left with cocksucking, which is something that a manly ladyfucker like Alec Baldwin doesn’t do.

Baldwin may have had good reason to lash out at the leeching pond scum interfering with his public conduct, but his stock of invective didn’t suit the moment. He could have said “Get the fuck out of my way, asshole,” and nobody would have cared, even though it features a similar mix of impolite intercourse slang and waist-adjacent body part. Or he could have just clocked the bastard, and we would be happily speculating whether any jury would convict him for such obviously righteous action.

But no, when the going got tough, Alec Baldwin reached for cocksucker. Because that was the worst thing he could think of. Because cocksuckers are faggots, fruits, queers, queens, and pansies. Because to be a cocksucker is to be less of a man than Alec Baldwin.

And even now, Baldwin is shocked — shocked! — that people would take cocksucking the wrong way:

If the word “cocksucker” has become… if that word is a homophobic epithet then I will make due note of that.

We’re a year younger than Baldwin, and we distinctly remember getting the memo about “cocksucker” in seventh grade. Maybe he was sick that day. Or missed high school entirely.

In any event, we’ll no longer have the pleasure of watching that pigfucking asswipe’s program on MSNBC. Which is a shame, because now Baldwin can walk away from it with the satisfaction of self-martyrdom, instead of having to face the fact that it was mind-numbingly awful.


Enough talk about you, Alec, let’s talk about your career.

If you haven’t seen it, Dan Savage gets it right, in my estimation, on Maher’s show. Mind you, I say that because it was my first thought, too. We tend to forget that in the New York/Hollywood of his youth ‘cocksucker’ and ‘faggot’ were common coinage. I know from eyewitness accounts that Ms Streisand and her then husband E Gould (sweet man, BTW) used both words constantly. As in “That fucking cocksucking faggot thinks he knows musical theatre?!” It was the time. They don’t do that any more and Mr G for one was shocked to be reminded. Till we were into the 80s one could still be called a faggot in public by Upper East Side ladies in the lobbies of movie houses. When it happened to me I made sure she’d think twice before ever doing it again. As I remember the word ‘harridan’ made an appearance. Not that I don’t think Mr Baldwin is a twat, I do, but he’s mostly a child.

In my opinion, (so you know it’s right) I think this confusion of homosexuality with being less than a man is an expression of a contempt of women. This is why I loathe drag, and the feminizing of gay men. No one has ever called me Mary, for example. That’s ghetto behavior. I for one look forward to the post-gay world. I vividly remember a rehearsal in which Pia Zadora, a woman of great charm and really engaging warmth, was being put into a big old musical. We were doing our tech-dress for her so she could work in the costumes. At one point she had to be picked up by six men who carried her, stiff-armed above their heads, across the stage to put her down on a table where she was to land on the ball of one foot in the girliest pose imaginable. All the while she had to manage her skirt and underwear so she didn’t land looking like she was advertising that she was open for business. We spent quite some time on this till the men, all being experienced in the ways of gender stereotyping on Broadway, showed her how to both manage her skirt and how to look girly. About equal straight/gay split, I’d say. The moment seemed paradigmatic to me of how we insist on gender stereotypes. It wasn’t a moment of camp, you understand, the men were imparting expert knowledge on how best to behave like a woman and how to manage the confining clothes we insist women wear.

What I found interesting about the Savage video (uh oh) was Maher. At one point Mr Savage is excoriating the actions of Bishop Paproki in Illinois and it seems that Mr Maher becomes just a tad uneasy so at the 2: 32 mark he hints at a lispy wrist break. Under the circumstances he displays exactly Alec Baldwin’s internalized attitude. Just not so violently. Not for one minute do I think him homophobic but he does display an attitude common among straight men that they are somehow more man than we. I’m not exactly a lumberjack but I’m at least as butch as Bill Maher. So is Dan Savage. By supposedly demonstrating his comfort with all things gay Maher seems to let slip his unconscious condescension. He’s not going to go to hell, you understand. It’s just that what we learn at 11 is very hard to change later on in life.

As to Mr Baldwin’s words: of course he called the photographer a faggot. Who calls anyone a maggot? It doesn’t make sense. I’d sooner believe he called him an impertinent jackanapes. The OP is correct in his estimation of cocksucking. What’s not to like? Hint: for those of you who absolutely refuse to swallow – I know you’re out there – watch out you don’t get any in your eye. Spooge stings. Amirite?

And why all the fuss? He was OK in Hunt for Red October, and since then he’s played 1001 versions of himself. He’s no Gary Oldman.

/recently discovered/

Sophocles once lamented that having a penis is like being chained to a madman.

@blogenfreude: I’ve never understood the whole Baldwin thing either. And thank the FSM that we cut our cable several years ago and don’t have to watch commercials (ex. Capital One) anymore.

@¡Andrew!: Every erection is a miracle. Don’t waste them.

@¡Andrew!: Never got on the 30 Rock bandwagon – seemed overwritten, but I suppose I will binge watch at least part of it some day. And for my money, this movie is still the funniest thing ever put on film.

@Benedick: Which reminds me of why I don’t care for Bill Maher. Or, at least one reason why. Watching the video, he comes off as smug asshole Lawrence O’Donnell with slightly better jokes.

But that’s not the reason here. Instead, watch how Maher repeatedly tries to wave off Savage’s point that Mary Cheney is getting more credit than she deserves — that someone who maxed out contributions to Marriage Defender Mitt and sat quiet during Rove’s 2004 Antigay Spectacular doesn’t have much public cred, whatever her private situation. Maher is so invested in his Good Cheney/Bad Cheney premise that he won’t let it pass.

Also, we forgive fogeys for their transgressions at the time, not forty years on. As a Child of My Generation, I’m sure I said something in 1975 that I would find unpleasant now. But I didn’t keep saying it.

@blogenfreude: Every time I try to enter Planet 30 Rock, I bounce off the atmosphere — too precious for my taste. I don’t begrudge others their enthusiasm, but I just can’t land.

And I like Tina Fey. At least her book. Sometimes it’s like movies where I enjoy the commentary more than the content.

@blogenfreude: Hilarious.

@Dodgerblue: Every erection is a miracle. Sounds like hymn. (see what I did there?)

@nojo: I know. I think Savage is sort of hilarious. He really gets Maher uncomfortable, too. You gotta love a guy who tells Grover Norquist he’ll keep right on inseminating his husband and hope for a miracle baby.

@Dodgerblue: Tree v. Papists, thankfully playing in Shallow Alto and not South Bend.

Can’t wait to see what LSJUMB pulls off for their halftime show.

Ironic too as Alec Baldwin is a founding member of FAG* and the leader of FAG* in Team America – World Police, his finest acting role ever, naturally playing himself as the greatest actor in the world.

*Film Actor’s Guild


You Are Worthless Alec Baldwin (sung by Kim Jung Il)

I was sent from planet Xiron to conquer the earth
I had a terrific plan — I thought it would work
Tried to get the Earthlings all to kill each other you see
But it all went wrong and now I must decree…

You are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin
You failed in every way and now my stock in you has fallen
Your career is stallin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin
That’s why I blew your head off and your children are all bawlin’

Planet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods like me
But also with Balmacs who are giant bees
The Xipods and Balmacs are at constant war
So we wanted a new home and that’s what Earth was for

But you are worthless Alec Baldwin, you are worthless Alec Baldwin
You fucked up my whole plan and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac pollen
Your garbage needs some haulin’ and you’re worthless Alec Baldwin
Now I must return home a failure — I’m afraid the pit of Kryrok is callin’…

Nothing more beautiful than seeing Alabama fans cry.

@Benedick: I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Dan Savage on many occasions out and about in Seattle. He’s surprisingly gracious, laid-back, and friendly given his somewhat bombastic-sarcastic online and teevee appearances.

@¡Andrew!: I had the pleasure of being the sucker for the first time in my life, last year, and he (the suckee) was gracious, laid-back and rather delicious given his, um, erected stature inside me. Six inches? Not so difficult, it seems.

But no swallow for me, and no splooge in eye either. That would have made me a faggot, one suspects. I got him off by hand, like a Man.

@flypaper: Such a heartwarming story. Are there pictures?

@¡Andrew!: He’s a professional gadfly, isn’t he? I think he does it very well. I’ve always got the impression he was fun in life. Plus: Hello, Daddy!

@jaycubed: I’m a member of FAG. reminds me: must pay dues.

Aww Benedick, I’m fond of drag queens. They were always front-line culture warriors, and the term-of-art they use for themselves “clown” is very telling. They are a release valve for internalized homophobia, and frankly, when done well, Drag is quite an art form. Ask Lypsinka. And I’ve known several queens- my beloved Sybil Bruncheon among them, who have leveraged drag into a locus of community organization- aids benefits and awareness, for example, or to raise money for gay youth organizations.

@flypaper: I’ve always felt it rude when they just let go without warning. I’m not terribly fond of the taste.

ADD: can you leverage something into a locus? That metaphor seems strained…

@SanFranLefty: Seeing USC fans cry.

I went to see Matthew Bourne’s Sleeping Beauty yesterday. I guess i was misinformed — I thought that it was a ballet, given that it is so billed, set to the familiar (even to me) Tchaikovsky score which was composed for the ballet, etc. Mostly, the people onstage walked or capered, gesturing broadly. Isn’t this mime? And there was a vampire in the story, which the 10 year old girls in the audience must have liked.

@Tommmcatt Says Pull My Finger: I don’t get it. Of course that could have to do with me being an opinionated intolerant asshole. As to the other thing, I’ve always thought it best to issue a warning. Or a $50 bonus.

@Dodgerblue: That’s why I say it’s a good idea to bring a book to the theatre. Just in case. BTW your gf is playing the Mother Superior in The Sound of Music Thursday on TV. They’re downplaying the hotness. Good luck with that.

@Tommmcatt: The male orgasm is such a precious, mysterious, delicate and sacred event. Scientists have only recently observed one, according to The Onion.

@Benedick: Lindsey Graham has taken more loads than a Chinese washing machine, and you don’t hear him complaining.

@Dodgerblue: Triple diamond DC gigolos that don’t ask any questions.

@Dodgerblue: As much as I love ballet, I rarely enjoy the story ballets. There’s always too much mime involved for my taste.

I saw a performance of Handel’s Messiah at Lincoln Center today. There were 8-10 rows in the center orchestra section that were completely empty (even though the performance was sold out) until an hour into the performance, when a vast crowd was allowed in by incompetent ushers and allowed to take their seats. I guessed they were a suburban church group who chartered a bus or two into the city, and thought the concert was at 3 pm, not 2 pm. My suspicions were confirmed when, during the Hallelujah chorus, one sweater-vest-clad man in the group raised both hands in the air. Yes, standing during the chorus is traditional, but hands in the air is little too snake-handler.

@flypaper: ;-)

@Tommmcatt Says Pull My Finger: TEAM SYBIL! And The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.

Ballet — that’s some bullshit there. The first time I went en pointe was the last time I went en pointe, because you have not known pain until you try to rest the weight of your entire body on the top of your toes.

The shoes take forever to break in, the cotton wadding (wool) doesn’t seem to help (I can’t imagine it hurting more, but it’s possible), my palms MY PALMS were sweating and slipping all over the barre, and the only damn thing that worked as planned was the rosin. It was nice to stop starving myself and hit puberty.

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