In Space, No One Can Hear You Gobble

“I was out on a [oil] lease at one time and I got attacked by a turkey. Wait until you get attacked by a turkey. You will know the fear that a turkey can invoke in a person. And so I beat it with a club. That was all I could do. I wish that I had a gun with me.” —Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey, explaining why he voted for an open-carry firearms law. [Tulsa World, via ThinkProgress]


In other animal news . . .

Vermont Governor Chased by Bears

Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin (D) says he was chased and nearly caught by four bears that were raiding his birdfeeders, Vermont Public Radio reports.

Shumlin said that “You almost lost the governor. Security was not there. I was within three feet of getting ‘arrrh.'”

Turkeys do have a mean streak. A friend I was hunting with took a shot at a tom, just missed him and the turkey charged him.

As for bear stuff, I’ll post a pic in the sandbox of bear tracks that we saw while turkey hunting on my friend’s ranch the year before last. Last year was noteworthy because it was the first time in years that I did not have a bear encounter on my friend’s ranch.

I’ll say turkeys can inspire fear! Ralph Shortley has already scared the crap out of me with his mindless drivel! I fear for his constituents. Oh, wait – he’s from Oklahoma. Nevermind.

Are wild turkeys that fierce?

IIRC, the best firearm to shoot a bird is a shotgun loaded with small buckshot not a 9mm pistol which is just about useless for shooting birds.

It is Oklahoma.

Glad to see Oklahoma leading the world in ending the daily scourge of turkey assaults. I have a dream that one day no child, regardless of race or creed, will live in fear of an attack from an outraged turkey. Once again candidate Palin was years ahead of the curve on an issue.

After this crisis is finally behind us maybe we can move on to some of the few remaining issues we’re dealing with like overpopulation, climate change, pollution, wars, yada yada yada.

@redmanlaw: “Turkeys do have a mean streak. A friend I was hunting with took a shot at a tom, just missed him and the turkey charged him. ”

What was that turkey thinking? Aren’t all God’s creatures supposed to sit still so hunters can safely shoot them without spilling the beer?

“I swear as god as my witness, Turkeys were pacifists.”

@Dave H: Fucking turkey went all stand your ground on my buddy.

So, who really missed the civics class here?:

“Fearing that a re-elected Obama is going to sign an executive order repealing the Second Amendment on November 7th, people who slept through civics class are snapping up guns and ammo like it’s 1999.”

@Dave H: Candidate Perry also tried to warn us of Islamic terrorist turkeys.

@Walking Still: . . . and jee-haddist coyotees.

Sport TJ/ In an land far, far away called SEC, there exists a place called Arkansaw, whose dominant form of life is the Razorback, aka Hawgs. The leader of said Razorbacks, a Mr. Bobby Patrino, was fired this week for a whole raft of shit that emerged after he had what was initially reported as a solo motorcycle crash. His undisclosed young blonde female passenger was a team assistant and former college volleyball player who had just been hired by Patrino (whom he hired over 159 other applicants), and to whom he made a $20,000 cash payment at some point. He admitted having an “inappropriate relationship” with the assistant who was (as in not anymore, not after this week) engaged to a college swimming coach.

Annnnyway, deadspin starts leafing through the ex-coach’s cell phone bills and they find that he had also exchanged about 200 messages last fall with the former Miss Bikini USA and Miss Motorcycle Mania, who is also a senate assistant with the Republican Party of Arkansas and was also with the Young Republicans there and was a GOP campaign operative. Samples from her modeling days are at deadspin and bigleadsports.

@redmanlaw: I wonder if there was any monkey business during his stint in Louisville. I always assumed it was just happening on the basketball side.

@redmanlaw: Miss Motorcycle Mania looks like she’s had her headlights adjusted.

@Dodgerblue: From her model profile: “I am a 22 year full time college student. I was born in Dumas, Arkansas ( a very small town ) and moved to Little Rock to get my cosmetology lisence. After getting my lisence I have returned to school to be a first grade teacher.”

Sounds like a line from a Nigerian scam email.

@redmanlaw: Well, she may have found a benefactor to pay for her education.

@Dodgerblue: I’m sure that Petrino’s $20,000 payment to Miss Jessica Dorrell (his passenger) was to pay off student loans and had nothing to do with his relationship with her.

Mind Bleach time: Petrino took and sent photos of the Little Hawg (on his state-supplied phone), per huffpo. Hello, open records act requests!

Shortey (I bet!) added, “And by turkeys, I mean ni…” before being muzzled by his colleagues.

Also, what’s up with the whinging about paying a fee? A quick check shows that the OK CCW license is $100 for 5 years, so anybody with “oil claims” to check – hell, anybody who can afford to keep a firearm in clean working order – shouldn’t be complaining about this.

Then again, he’s also the nutball who introduced “no fetuses in food” bill, so even money says he believes everything (including driver’s licenses) is unconstitutional.

@al2o3cr: You just reminded me: defendant on my recent jury trial had one of the worst-cared-for pistols I’ve ever seen, that wasn’t actually buried in the ground. Tokarev 7.62×25, the cops had to call in an export (fortunately present at the arrest) to get the thing to eject the round in the chamber. He would have gotten one shot off, then spent the next 20 seconds (or however long until the returning fire got him) wondering why the trigger just went “click.”

@mellbell: Not to be confused with Pitino — who was actually once present in my house.

@IanJ: I’ve shot a Tokarev. That is some funky heat. You’d think a guy on the streets would want something that you could get ammo for at Wal Mart, but maybe the Russian pistola has some cachet.

@stickler: No, I know. My point is that everyone in Louisville knew Pitino was getting strange. I don’t think that anyone suspected Petrino.

@mellbell: It appears that Petrino could have been getting some strange while Petino was merely getting strange.

@IanJ: Correction: I have actually shot a Makarov (another fine product of the USSR, chambered in 9mm x 18mm, whereas the standard 9mm Luger/Parabellum/NATO* is a 9mm x 19mm round), not the Tokarev. My early morning illness addled mind made the error.

* Dimensionally the same as the standard 9mm, but loaded hotter.

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