Abandon All Health, Ye Who Enter Here

Our guest columnist is finally able to celebrate his decision to spend a career in journalism.

The Heart Attack Grill in downtown Las Vegas lived up to its name Saturday night, when a customer dining on a “triple bypass burger” suffered an apparent heart attack.

Man suffers heart attack at Heart Attack Grill [FOX5 Vegas]

Anyone seen Rush Limbaugh recently? I’ve got this wonderful new restaurant I’d like to reccomend to him.

Tourists were disheartened [ugh], but not entirely surprised to hear about the incident.

Customers, however, continued eating the burgers, fries, and shakes Tuesday night.

So glad I’m actually learning and being freaked out by the crap I used to eat. Holy shit, it’s a wonder I’m still alive.

Imma shill for this, because the reports have taught me so much, things like my brand of mustard is fucking killing me. Mustard? Good God!

Okay — who is stuffing the ballot with farts?

Here’s how we do it in PA Dutch Country:

Gastric Bypass Surgery Policy

Year #1 – 50% off base price.
Year #2 – 10% off base price.
Year #3 – 0% off base price.
Incomplete Documentation – 0% off base price.
To receive the reduced price you must provide the following documentation!

Photo ID
Gastric Bypass Card with Patient Name and Date Of Original Surgery.
Proof of Surgery via a Doctors Signature or other Documentation.

NOTE: This policy is intended as a short-term price adjustment to accomodate a person whose intake is limited due to gastric bypass surgery.

Legend has it that there are special grinders in the toilets to deal with the underpants people flush b/c they didn’t quite make it to the restroom in time.

Stope eating meat and cheese and you’re golden.

@Serolf Divad: ed schultz wondered last night why 4 time married and childless rush was so concerned about why women needed birth control options.

This reminds me — had my physical this morning, a pure wellness exam. An EKG, long talk with the doc, testicular exam (weird), multiple blood draws, Hep A vaccine. Cost to me: $0. All hail Comrade Obama and his glorious commie health reform!

@rptrcub: Just like if you were a member of congress.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: They seem to care more about your nuts rather than your prostate if you’re under 40.

It all ends rather badly, nonetheless . . .

The owner is a former nutritionist… WTF!

@JNOV is like, Peace?: The Muffin Monster 3000. Prisons like to use them for the sheets and other sundry items that the occupants love to dispose of.


@rptrcub: That’s weird; my doctor has been giving me a prostate exam since I was 25. I guess I can also get one for free at Seattle Steamworks.

@¡Andrew!: One could also get an exam for free during an alien abduction. Could be a hassle getting the records from your provider, though.

Ate a Baconator once to win a bet … not a good idea.

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