70% Chance Of Showers

OK, Stinquers — a quick contest for big money AND fabulous prizes:

Tomorrow, as Nancy Pelosi hands off the gavel to John Boehner, Agent Orange will give a speech outlining what he intends to do with the next two years.  We all know what he’s going to say, sort of.  But the big question is…

AT WHAT POINT WILL HE LOSE CONTROL OF HIMSELF AND START WEEPING?

Rules are simple.  When the handoff happens, invariably there will be a standing ovation.  As soon as that standing-o stops and he starts flapping his gums, the clock starts.  “Weeping” defined as (a) actual tears or (b) unplanned stoppage in speech for more than two seconds as he tries to collect himself COMBINED WITH acts incidental to weeping (deep breath, sniffling, etc.).

Put your predictions — quoted in minutes and seconds — in the comments.  The Price Is Right scoring rules are in effect: closest to the actual weeping time, without going over, will win.  (Addendum: taking a competitor’s time and adding one second would be frowned upon, yet be totes hilarious at the same time.)  Example:

A — 4:30 // B — 5:30 // C — 5:31

Actual weeping time 5:15 — A wins… and gets to play PLINKO!

(No actual prizes, of course.  So there.)

As I will be judging, I will throw out an obviously wrong answer and declare that he gets through the speech without shedding a single tear.  Not even so much as a manly sniffle.  The rest of you: put some real responses in there.  Bonne chance!

93 Comments

Zero or .00001 seconds.

I actually think there will be no crying. He has received so much attention for this behavior since the election he will be counselled and studiously rehearsed to avoid it.

However, since Nojo Chicago Bureau has chosen to abuse his postion of authority by pre-emptively claiming the no-crying option, I will take my second choice, which is that really does have no control over himself and will start crying before he actually speaks.

For purposes of this Crying Game, any hint of moisture around the eyes or nasal area accompanined by trembling of the jaw, with or without closing of eyes, pursing of lips and/or head dip to compose himself prior to speaking his first word at the podium will constitute a win for my selection.

@libertarian tool… “will start crying before he actually speaks.”

While I appreciate the sentiment [throws flag]…. Illegal procedure, libertarian tool. 5 yard penalty… still first down.

[EDIT: I take that back. Your response is legitmate. Foolhardy, but legitimate. Go with God.]

[ADD: I took the “no crying” option with the pure intent of losing. Dude’s gonna cry. I know that, you know that. I am trying to lose on purpose.]

@libertarian tool: That would be CB. My own position abuse involved Texas.

Yes, I predict Niagara Falls during the ovation. The media have inferred a drinking problem, but I suspect that his hyperbole pills have been swapped with estrogen by some rascal in the House locker room.

@nojo:

Fixed.

@chicago bureau:

Like I said – It’s my 2nd choice, but I like my chances.

BTW – I have also nailed down agree with Barrington’s prediction on the Bear’s route to the Superbowl.

@hunkamonkiman:

Sorry – That pick is taken.

45 seconds. He’s not gonna last long.

I always tear up when they get to Post Roads.

He’ll be tearing as soon as he touches the gavel. I predict boo-hooing at about 3 mins in.

@Benedick: Well, but for judging purposes shouldn’t you be more specific?

How can we tell if you or Mellbell won, or are you taking a spread between 2:43 and 3 minutes?

@Mistress Cynica: bwa ha!

20 seconds here.

Snot running out of his nose by 45 seconds.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut:

Per CB’s rules, MellBell currently has 2:43 until 3:00. Benedick has 3:00 until Cynica’s 4:20. I think.

@Benedick:

I have prior claim to the “He is crying by the time he starts speaking” spot. Although – if he takes longer than .00001 seconds, I suppose you could be claiming the still open .00001 to SFL 20 second gap. If you were permitted two slots. Which you are not.

I think we need a ruling here. Benedick is gaming the system. He has become quite insufferable since adopting the Reagan avatar.

Orange Mush make no apologies for waterworks. It’s gonna be a long two years.

The lighting in this photo is quite unfortunate. Filter?

@SanFranLefty: You’re gilding the lily with snot. So to speak.

Anybody want to do a side bet as to whether and/or when the waterworks will wash off his spray-on tan? Could you imagine the streaking? Tears of a clown, indeed….

@SanFranLefty: It washes off? Oh, wow! All we need is for someone to set of the fire sprinklers…

Boehners on the floor. I’d say “persimmon rust” captures the shade. Lots of meet and greet. He is looking a little weepy already. I just caught a Clintonian definitive lower lip bite.

@libertarian tool: He always looks a little rumpled. It’s part of his charm.

Those GOP folks have trouble following instructions.

@JNOV: Heath Shuler? He’s a Dem from North Carolina.

@mellbell: Oh jeez, I thought that fucking anti-choice anti-ghey twat lost his reelection.

@mellbell: @JNOV:
Kabuki theater. The shrinking pool of Dems in Red districts all have to vote against Pelosi to get re-elected in ’12. Not only is Nancy ok with it, she probably came up with the plan.

@libertarian tool: I don’t doubt it. I just knew nothing of it until twenty minutes ago.

They shoulda taught them Chisanbop.

@libertarian tool: Ah.

Here we go… Who is the official timekeeper?

WTF? How many people need to escort this dumbass?

That Quayle kid looks like he has FAS. Even from behind.

Cripes. Two Quayles. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

He’s losing it already on the walk to the podium. This is a lock.

Fuck me running — dude’s already breaking down.

Remember, the clock starts after post-handoff applause stops. But who are we kidding — libertarian tool, prepare to pick up your non-trophy, dummy.

He looks a little unsteady on his feet behind Nancy.

Wait!

Double lip lick!

@chicago bureau:
It’s got to happen in the first 20 seconds or SFL gets it.

Nice that Pelosi is poking GOP in the eye on the way out.

Damn – Nancy’s endless pontifications is going to let him stabilize.

@libertarian tool: Naw. He’s been unstable for years. See — she just mentioned his name. That’s all it takes.

HA! We’re gonna need a bigger hankie!

jaw twitch. nose rub.

I see Nancy’s plan now – she is trying to make him cry. brilliant.

All right, I started the stopwatch at “It’s still just me.” He’s holding up well so far.

I dunno. They cut away after the gavel drop. I’m off the clock.

Yes, yes, the acknowledgements are eating up time–I may have a shot with my Hail Mary bet!

OK — the family intro was dry as a bone. Holding up well. And now the rules package.

Look: he was a faucet pre-speech. He might actually make it through, though.

Official scoring tonight; gotta work.

@mellbell: Yay! Except he still might not cry at all, in which case CB/LT take home the bacon.

@flippin eck: Oh, good point. But ChiBureau called dibs, so LiberTool is out of the running.

@flippin eck: @mellbell: Yeah – eck is the only one left in contention, except for CB’s abusive selection of No crying.

There was a voice crack at 3:20, but not sure that counts.

Someone must have told Agent Orange that America was holding pools for his tears and it sobered him up.

@flippin eck: @mellbell: Wait a minute. Reviewing the rules, I don’t see any upper time limit. That means if Boehner cries on the floor anytime in the next two years, flippin eck wins.

@libertarian tool: Not so fast. The “speech” is implicitly the antecedent of “at what point.”

@libertarian tool: Since you correctly called it that he would be blubbering before he even took the podium (and since you also correctly called ChiBureau out on his move of claiming one of the most probable answers before the contest even started), I’m inclined to declare you the winner. Bravo, sir!

I love the name Agent Orange, representing his complete submission to diabolical corporate interests and their toxic, if not fatal, intent.

Yes. Agent Orange is brilliant!

I’d see what prize Dodger received before I’d get all happy, though. Carbolic Smoke Ball anyone?

I had to go to court for a hearing. Did Mellbell win?

@Dodgerblue: Libertarian Tool or CB, depending upon how you interpret things.

@SanFranLefty: I’d suggest that they meet Chez TommKatt and smoke some magic mediation dust and work it out.

@Dodgerblue: Ha!

Hey — anyone ever take the Megabus? I’m thinking about leaving taking the kids in to DC or NYC next week. Can’t beat $1 tix. Or I could drop them in Lancaster…

@libertarian tool and JNOV: BTW, I love the juxtaposition of your two comments one after the other:

“Nancy is not going to cry.”

followed immediately by:

“Nancy has big tatas.”

@flippin eck: @SanFranLefty:
Naaaah… the rules were clear, and by the rules of the contest the contest was won by the guy that wrote the rules. Funny how that works. But I’m not bitter. I know CB said he was trying to lose, but on some deep subconscious level I think he is working on becoming a good Republican. Or a Rahm Chicago Democrat, which is essentially the same thing. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

@libertarian tool: Speaking of politics as theatre, did you watch the Board of Supes meeting last night when they attempted to vote on a replacement for Mayor Lite Guv McDreamy? It was on public access channel 26, it was so damn entertaining. The highlight, of course, was that trustafarian dufus Chris Daly throwing a tantrum and screaming at Board President David Chiu, “It’s on like Donkey Kong!” Only in Ess Eff would Ed Lee, with his career of civil rights activism, be criticized as too moderate. Also, on the teevee station, they play really groovy jazz and salsa music every time the Board recessed. Mr. SFL came up with the idea that to raise interest and promote local music, there should be a different band at each meeting that starts playing when they recess.

@SanFranLefty:
I missed it, but I think the entertainment will only ratchet up until the new board is seated. As you know – your boyfriend is not going to appoint anyone until Daly and crew are out and the new board is in on the 8th. – then he has two days until he becomes Lt. Gov on the 10th. I’ll have to watch the next round.

BTW – I was down at City Hall this afternoon – quite the feel good day in the Hall. In the center of the rotunda – The America’s Cup and the official ceremony announcing the 2013 Cup in EssEff with the mayor and Ellison and a whole lot of other people I didn’t recognise in attendence. Right across the hall – The World Series trophy and fans lined up down the hall and around the corner in their black and orange finest to have their picture taken with the trophy.

San Francisco. City of Champions. Who would’ve thunk it?

But… OTOH – Did you see the mayor and Supervisor Eric Mar on the Daily Show Monday? Friggin’ hilarious. I linked it here.

@libertarian tool: First time I’ve heard “feel good day” and “Ellison” in the same breath.

WIN WIN WIN to libertariantool

On review of the tape (after full day of work and attendance at performance of Sport) it appears that —

(a) Mr. Weeper was an emotional wreck, up to the moment when the gavel was handed off;

(b) from the start of the speech (post standing-o) to the finish, there was (1) a momentary bobble at 0:26, but not enough to stop the clock; (2) a second slight bobble at 2:32 but, again, not enough to call a halt to the bout; (3) a real close call at 3:34; (4) a sojourn into the rules package starting at 4:20 that really doesn’t induce weeping, much less any emotion whatever; and (5) “America is an idea” palabum at the end, with the end coming at 10:30; and

(c) once he shut up, Agent Orange began getting weepy again before he was formally sworn in, at T+10:55.

So, what to do? Let’s hit the rewind button to libertariantool’s prediction:

“Zero or .00001 seconds. I actually think there will be no crying. He has received so much attention for this behavior since the election he will be counselled and studiously rehearsed to avoid it. However, since Chicago Bureau has chosen to abuse his postion of authority by pre-emptively claiming the no-crying option [OBJECTION! –ed.], I will take my second choice, which is that [Agent Orange] really does have no control over himself and will start crying before he actually speaks.

Nail, meet head. (Except for accusations of cheating on my part. That was totes wrong. But I forgive you.)

Any weeping was pre-speech or, as noted, post-speech. When he shut up, that was the end of the game. People cry after the game in post-game interviews. Particularly if they play defense for Virginia Tech (who, appropriately enough, wear a hideous shade of orange).

So, libertariantool… WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.

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