Stories We Should Have Seen Coming, But Somehow Didn’t

While we remain freakishly unmoved by the plight of the Don’t Touch My Junk dude, there’s a fresh angle to the story that catches our attention:

Amid recent controversy over airport pat-downs, Americans For Truth About Homosexuality is calling for the Transportation Security Administration to institute some “common-sense, healthy ‘discrimination'” by banning “self-acknowledged homosexuals” from doing security screenings, “so as to avoid [passengers] being put in sexually compromising situations.”

We’d like to congratulate the previously unknown AFTAH for getting some pixels by piggybacking on the outrage over a thwarted pheasant hunter, as well as moving the story to a more absurd point where we’re more comfortable addressing it.

Anti-gay group targets gay TSA workers [Salon, via Lux Mentis]

Yeah, ’cause nothing turns the homo crank higher than patting down the hairy, beady-eyed, sweaty slobs at DFW waddling from Arby’s to Terminal A.

AFTAH should be well aware by this point that if they just take a deep breath and relax, it won’t be that bad. So sayeth the HF.

Ghost of Jim Morrison dismayed at missing opportunity to legally whip it out in public.

@¡Andrew!: Although I am sure Andrew could have told them the same thing…

How many times did Larry Craig loudly shout “don’t touch my junk, dude!, I ain’t like that” for all to hear as a pre-emptive defense against later being discovered practicing his now famous wide stance in the airport mens room? I’ll bet the esrtwhile junk packing flyer really was into it but had to deny it for whatever reason. Are there any porn star looking female TSA agents on duty guarding our airways? If so, I’ll bet they stay mighty busy handling those long lines at the airport. A free handjob sure makes flight stress easier too handle. Kinda gives a new meaning to baggage fees.

@jwmcsame: Last time is was in the MPLS airport, I visited the Infamous Restroom of ShFame. I consider myself a fairly creative person, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out the logistics of two dudes in that situation. Like what went where, and what happened after the magic Moment of Truth?

@¡Andrew!: Hope you didn’t do too much figurin’. That woulda been hard to explain to the undercovers who are probably still prowling there.

Apparently AFTAH (as in, “meet me in the men’s room AFTAH I pat you down, big boy”) decided that the logical endpoint of their argument wouldn’t sound as good on TV.

I mean, if you’re worried about the TSA droid enjoying it, surely you should be just as worried about the gropee enjoying it; they must have realized that a “queers only” security line might ring a little fascist…

@¡Andrew!: will an erstwhile flyer get arrested if a TSA handler probes a little bit too far up the backside and ends up with a handful of santorum? this is just way too easy.

I told y’all this was way too easy. One time an ex-Tennessee Vol and ex-Oregon Duck running back named Onterrio Smith was flying back to Minnesota to join his Viking teammates. Onterrio was pretty good at passing drug tests but only if he pissed properly equipped. As Onterrio tried to pass through airport security with his proper equipment, an alert TSA agent inquired to Onterrio about the penis shaped object showing up on the x-ray machine in his luggage. As an embarrassed Onterrio proceeded to explain the fake dongs purpose as a drug test facilitator through which freshly hydrated and warmed up powdered piss could pass guaranteeing a negative result, the TSA agent found the powdered piss. Obviously the searching TSA agent wasn’t paying too much attention to Onterrios explanation and to the humor of all involved, dipped a finger into the powder to see if it was coke, herion or meth only to find out different from his taste test. I’ll wager Onterrio took an ass whuppin’ in the private screening area. True story, believe it or not.

@jwmcsame: Wait, his name was spelled Onterrio?

I’m telling y’all, Spinal Tap was prophetic.

@SanFranLefty: Yes. check him out:

Pay special attention to S.O.D. and the whizzinator. Onterrio is from y’alls neck of the woods. Tennessee has had many good football players from California.

What part of Spinal Tap is prophetic in relation to Onterrio?

@SanFranLefty: I’ll watch for that next time. It’s been a while.

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