You’ve Got First Contact!

“The continued search for extraterrestrial communication, by several entities, sustains the hope that some day humankind will receive signals from extraterrestrials. When we do, we should have in place a coordinated response that takes into account all the sensitivities related to the subject.”
—Mazlan Othman, UN Office for Outer Space Affairs

Message Response
"Is Seymour there? Last name Butz." Just hang up.
"Are you there, God? It’s me, Zorqar." "Kill your son! Just kidding."
"I am Prince Dxykqmp,
former finance minister of Alpha Centauri, and I need your help."
Wire check for 1,000 bricks of latinum.

"Nuq daq o’ puchpa e’" "’Oy’ dasiqjaj"
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Leno!" Recalibrate receiver.
"What happened to the Jets-Raiders game? All we’re getting is Heidi." "Raiders scored two touchdowns
on three plays in the last minute."
Hitler’s Olympics speech Cheat Jodie Foster out of her discovery, get George Soros to bankroll wormhole gyropod, send back photo of Matthew McConaughey.
"Asalaam Alaikum." Pretend like it never happened.
UN to appoint Earth contact for aliens []

If the message is “Ani, Monsters out there, leaking in here. Weesa all sinking and no power. Whena yousa thinking we are in trouble?” then the only response would be to find George Lucas and punch him for ruining the idea that aliens should/would be smarter than us.

Message: All Your Chuck Berry Are Belong to Us!
Response: Come and Get It, Assholes!

Or, my favorite Danny DeVito moment (from Ruthless People):

Sam Stone: [answering the phone] Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie’s here, who’s this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can’t talk right now, my dick’s in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I’m done?
[hangs up and laughs]
Sam Stone: I love wrong numbers.

I have a question. I was watching Blind Side (don’t judge, ok?) last night: a film that is offensive on many levels and features what is perhaps the most loathsome child in movies today. Anyhoo. They seem to be playing some kind of battle Sport game which involves a lot of jumping up and down and hitting for no discernible reason. Anyhoo. When the chaps all went back to the pavilion to get changed there was a sign on the wall bearing the legend: There is no In-between. Presumably this means there is only ‘winning’ or ‘losing’. My question is this: no one actually believes that do they? As far as I’m concerned life is ‘in-between’. There is nothing else. We live in a never-ending – well, till you-know-what – in-between. I was appalled. (You know how I get.) Someone reassure me.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants: Yes, Virginia, there is in-between, at least until the Republicans get a majority again and we are all converted into the new reality. You better hope the aliens get here first.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants: Sorry to let you down but the ultimate winning/losing idea is eternal existence in heaven/hell. So I have to answer your question with Yes, many many many people do believe there is no in-between. Not only that, they are perfectly happy to kill you until you believe it too.

If the very first message we receive from space has the title “To Serve Man” it’s time to eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we are on the menu.

@Dave H:

Don’t forget purgatory. That’s probably the Catholic church’s 2nd greatest theological innovation (after the indulgence), as it allows you to be a nasty sonofabitch in life but still figure you’ll eventually make it to heaven.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants: Vince Lombardi, the late coach of the Green Bay Packers of the National Football League, is credited with coining the phrase “Winning isn’t the most important thing – it’s the only thing.” This makes sense in the context of a (then) 14-game season with a play-in, single elimination championship tournament after the season.

Some also say “Second place is the first loser.” In playing a sport scored objectively by points (1 score thingy = 6 pts, the score after = 1or 2, the kick thing = 3, etc) teams don’t play for reviews, they play to win. As one does not win all the time, teams play to win more than the other guy/teams. A team could play well but still lose because it scored fewer points.

As a lawyer, I love to work out deals in the “in between” to make things happen, but once things get to court after negotiations have failed, I hate to lose.

btw, the Blind Side book was a lot better than the movie.

@redmanlaw: I’m sure the book was better. I thought the movie was pretty nasty.

I guess this is why I won’t ever compete at anything – not even Scrabble. So don’t hire me to represent you.

It’s also why I can’t get interested in big-money Sport. Too camp for my taste.

I like the Roman idea of having a chap in the chariot whispering in your ear “This too shall pass” as you parade through Rome in your victory triumph.

@redmanlaw: one team did win all the time. the 17-0 1972 miami dolphins coached by don shula of whom bum phillips once said: he can take his’ns and beat your’ns or he can take your’ns and beat his’ns. that was obviously before “we” speak became mandatory for all football coaches. bum favored the lesser known (outside of texas and tennessee) pronouns. bums son wade is not the coach shula was, but he did finally take his’ns (dallas cowboys) and beat the tex’ns yesterday for his’ns first win of the season.

This is very very wrong of me and I will be punished for it. But. I couldn’t help but find this headline kind of hilarious.

Tycoon who took over Segway firm dies in freak accident after riding one of the machines off a cliff and into a river

I know. I am a bad person. You don’t have to tell me. I am ashamed of myself.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants: don’t worry too much about how winning or losing is defined in memphis or mississippi. the tooheys, michael ohers adoptinators, are hard core ole miss alums. sean toohey attempted to play point guard for the basketball team while others attended classes for him in oxford, mississippi. his wife was some sort of cheerleader or pep/dance squad chick. which means she stood around looking fine yelling shit like “the south’s gonna do it again” and singing dixie after black guys scored touchdowns or hit jump shots. in other words, the tooheys cheated by getting oher to sign with ole miss. he should have signed with tennessee. the big fat blob clad in orange in blind side was phillip fulmer who took up acting like a football coach in the movies after tennessee fired him for acting like a football coach on the sidelines.

furthermore, memphis cheats at everything. john calipari once coached there before he left for kentucky because it is the only place on earth where you can cheat like hell everytime, all the time and never worry about getting caught. coach calipari is such a cheater that he single handily turned not one, but two final fours into final threes for using ineligible players at umass and memphis state.

see, your question about winning or losing and the in between is not as alien as it may seem. see how i stay on topic, bringing it back in the end. i should get paid for this shit.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants: it is the re-triumph of stupidity. w crashed one too a while back. i’ve got the pictures.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants: This is supposedly meant to steel the kids for a life of brutal, unyielding competition by the winners who will live indoors, command the losers and acquire dynastic wealth and the losers who will live as perpetual hunter gatherers, roaming the world in fear for their worthless lives. But in reality it is meant for the parents who know no such totality and whose lives are banal, triumph free continuums of compromise.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants: I grew up playing pickup basketball, football and baseball, where teams are made up of whoever happens to show up at any given time. It was all in-between in the sense that I would forget who had won or lost within about 60 seconds and then go out drinking with everybody.

@Dodgerblue: I’m all for real Sport. Playing and watching. It’s the big-money ritualized USA! USA! aspects of it I don’t understand. Plus I have no clue about the rules which might possibly limit my enjoyment.

@Serolf Divad: I have always had a soft spot for limbo, the place where babies who die unbaptized are supposed to wait until something or the other happens. They don’t go to hell but they aren’t in heaven either. We Catholics had a long time to cover all the bases.

My father in law the 81 year old rabid Xtian sent some money to Daystar Television Network for their “ministry” AKA paranoid fantasy world. Anyway, in response he received a lovely form letter informing him that of the 6.5 billion people in the world over 4 billion do not have a relationship with Jesus and are therefore lost souls. This news would have probably really bothered him so I pitched the letter instead of giving it to him.

@Dave H:

Think about it. Hell is a place of eternal torment. If God condemned all those people to a place of eternal torment forever then it would make him worse than Hitler.

This is why I’ve always said that God can either be all good or all powerful. He cannot be both.

@Dave H: I’m always amused by the idea of these unbaptized babies limbo dancing while steel drum music plays. But then, I’m easily amused.

@Dave H:

Yeah, sounds like an appeal for over 4 billion dollars.

Did anyone mention that Othman denied the statement? Here’s what Mazlan Othman does.

If the UN did want to appoint someone to talk to the aliens, learn their languages, chatter with a Martian in Martianese, I’d nominate Neil deGrasse Tyson–he’d inform the Plutonians that they do not reside on a planet.

The Stargazer Dude would be my first choice. RIP, Stargazer Dude.

Bob Ross would be a great choice, but again, the man is dead.

@Tommmcatt Thinks Masturbation Can Also Involve The Mainstream Media: I’ve always found it very touching and somehow comforting that Odin’s lot knew they would die and Valhala be torn down. They knew the gods were not forever.

Now I must go sharpen my sword Nigel. I am such a Viking, you guys.

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