The Terrorist Plot to Poison Our Youth with High-Fructose Corn Syrup is Working

“What we were finding was that the soldiers we’re getting in today’s Army are not in as good shape as they used to be,” said Lt. Gen. Mark Hertling, who oversees basic training for the Army. “This is not just an Army issue. This is a national issue.” [NYT, via Daring Fireball]

21 Comments

Howz about banning HFCs for national security?

Bunch of butterballs these Kidz today.

Live by the fork, die by the fork

Hey, high fructose corn syrup is made from corn and safe in moderation, just like female genital mutilation and the KKK!

Add: Here’s the ridiculous original, for reference.

@ManchuCandidate: Any one who campaigns in Iowa has to kiss corn farmer ass so that shit will never get banned, especially with One Teabag Nation Under a White Christian God on the horizon. On the other hand, tortilla chips and guacamole or salsa enrich our lives. Enchiladas without corn tortillas? Unthinkable. No corn tortillas = soft tacos for the rest of your life. Of course, all of these items would be banned from the New American Menu and Diet.

@redmanlaw:
I don’t see a problem with actual corn products.

Just the hydrogenated corn syrup sweeteners should be banned.

@ManchuCandidate: Corn gas also raises some significant issues that can’t be discussed because of Big AgriBiz. Not to mention the reprocessed corn that’s sold to us as steak.

@ManchuCandidate: Mrs RML is waging war on that shit also. Ever try to buy BBQ sauce without it? I read about 10 labels in the aisle one day before finding one. I also switched over to the Cliff brand granola bars (which are awesome, btw) because they are not made with Cornholio.

Funny how sugar is now seen as the healthy way to go now, whereas it was “white death” when I was growing up. We don’t even keep a full sugar bowl in the house. I’m not even sure we have any sugar on hand.

ADD: So it looks like Earl is going to swing by Casa de Prom for a visit.

@redmanlaw: Funny how sugar is now seen as the healthy way to go now, whereas it was “white death” when I was growing up.

Then there was the day Mom tossed out all the Kool-Aid because it contained cyclamate.

@RML: I saw Dr Pepper sold “with real Sugar!” in the local Stop ‘n Rob, and thought the same thing. The last time I bought sugar? Why, to make New Years mojitos, of course.

As for Earl, could be a changeup that stalls before it crosses the plate.

@Nabisco: I saw Mtn Dew with real sugar over the summer. The Mexican stores here sell real Cokes with sugar.

On a day after two too many martinis, I like I get a Lipton’s bottled tea with sugar para mi crudo, although what I’d really like to do is go back into time and rip the skinny stem of the glass out of my hand when another couple more sounds like an excellent idea whilst watching rock videos at 12:30 am*. I’m such a lightweight that two will put me away.

As for Earl, I’m sure the mall ninjas are flooding the gun stores to get ready for Katrina II, when they expect the Blackamoor to confiscate all firearms and declare martial law in the aftermath.

*How many versions of “Mysterious Ways” will I watch? Up to four (Vertigo, Slane Castle – my fave- and Zoo TV), including a cover by some clown in his bedroom with a $3,000 rig set up to sound exactly like the Edge. BTW, I got a really cool shimmery ringing tone off my Strat copy and cheap ass amp and no effects the other night. Now if only I could play something . . .

@redmanlaw:

I was stoked when I ran across *ketchup* without HFCS. Apparently Heinz has decided that there’s a market of foodies. I’ve noted that (since sugar costs moar, they seem to use less) the ketchup actually ends up tasting like ketchup, instead of fucking syrup.

No idea about the validity of some of the health claims, but I’m all for anything that makes food taste like real food instead of candy.

I hate hate hate hate hate! artificial sweeteners. I can’t even brush my teeth with anything but Tom’s toothpaste. I’d brush with plain baking soda if they stopped making it.

I love my white sugar, brown sugar, honey and molasses as much as I love my butter. You won’t catch me, except dead, with margarine in my house. All you suckers depriving yourselves of the lovely lusciousness of real butter all those years “they” were telling you it was bad for you. How the hell could butter be bad for you unless you’re injecting it straight into your veins? And margarine injected into your veins will kill you quicker, I bet.

My motto is : Real food is the best food.

@Karen Marie: word. I haven’t even used ketchup in 20 years, and never realized why – it’s the crappy artificial taste.

@Nabisco: How you gonna sell ’em ketchup once they’ve experienced salsa?

@karen marie: I think we need to get married. Apart from the butter. I don’t eat it any more (though I used to love it) on account of the purity of my soul. But sugar? Hell, yeah!

“Sugar . . . ah, honey, honey. You are my candy, girl, and you got me wanting you.”

The Archies “Sugar, Sugar”

@karen marie: Amen, sister! When Mr Cyn is cooking regularly and I’m baking, we go through a pound of (local) unsalted butter per week (it is, of course, produced from gently hand-milked, happy cows who get to eat grass in pastures). I buy sugar in 10 lbs bags during jam-making season, and use honey, brown rice syrup, and brown sugar in the hippie homemade granola I eat for breakfast every morning. I will not, however, eat anything that contains HFCS or any ingredient that I can’t identify.
No one in my family ever dies before 80 anyway, unless they get murdered.

@karen marie and My Mistress: Amen.

Paula Dean: “The reason they call is a ‘pound cake’ is cuz you usea pounda butta, a pounda suga, and a pounda fowrr. Here we go…”

But really, I’m all for unsalted real butter, raw milk, raw honey, unbleached flour, and SLOW FOOD in season. Presently, I can’t afford the unbleached sucre. One day…one day…

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