How To Speak Australian

Opposition leader Tony Abbott, in run-up to today’s election over in Oz:

I am always very conscious of trying to avoid being a burden on the taxpayer and I would try not to do anything voluntarily that would add to the burdens on the taxpayer.

Mitt Romney.

[slamming down of cold oil can of Fosters, with appropriate sound effects]


[Yeah, I tried really hard to come up with something funny.  Maybe it worked.  But it almost certainly didn’t.  Come on — I know jack squat about Aussie politicking.  Give me some credit for trying.]

Anywho: The Battle For Wagga Wagga, Kalgoorlie And Several Other Towns With Funny Names closes up shop at 1800 in Australia, which (in U.S. American) is around 1030 on Wednesday or something. (Actually, it would be 0400 Saturday, Eastern War Time.)  Bruce (pictured above) is running against a Sheila — given name is Julia Gillard — who is the prime minister and running for a full term for the Dirty Fucking Hippie Party down there.  Which is nice.  Polls suggest a hung parliament.  It seems to be all the rage; the Pommies sure have made it look fun with David Cameron, Nick Clegg and pals tripping over themselves to hang on to power.

So, like I said: I know nothing about this.  Any actual insights are most welcome in the comments.  Or you can just talk trash about Aussies and their inability to beat USA! USA! USA! in swimming.  (Because we are AMERICANS — that’s why.)

ADD: Updates from Oz media that is not controlled by News Corp., here.


If you lose, are you exiled to Koala Lumpur?

I’m here all week.

I really don’t like posts that ask me to watch a video. Said as much to Effete Hipster, who said ‘You can read faster than they can make up lies.”

For the record or off the record, I once dreamed that Billy Chyrstal said to me, “Look who’s in charge of your self-improvement program.”

Looks like a hung Parliament. Will they do this British style – polite compromise; Iraq style – AK 47s and IEDs; or U.S. – judicial theft?

@Walking Still: Or Aussie style: nekkid wrestling which, given the presence of a Sheila, would be awesome.

Where is our resident Aussie CheapBoy when we need him most?

@Nabisco: Wouldn’t Aussie style be nekkid wrestling with beer?

Still, given the dweebishness of the Liberal Party tool, I think I’d pass.

@Nabisco: @Walking Still: I wouldn’t be surprised if CheapBoy is engaged in nekkid wrestling with beer right this minute.

Well, we’ve all stopped giggling over the term “hung pariliament” and we’re getting down to the usual back-room horse trading.

The situation as it stands is that it looks like both Liberal/National coalition (Conservative-in-the-pockets-of-big-business together with struggling-farmers-who-hate-inner-city-trendies-who-don’t-know-where-their-food-comes-from) and Labor (Commie-pinko-union-owned-socialist) will both have the same number of seats in the lower house with 73 each.

This is amusing in itself, as both parties used focus groups in the marginal seats to derive their policies, which were shockingly similar. So it’s really no suprise that two parties with the same policies ended up with the same number of seats in the lower house. But I doubt either of the parties will find this as amusing as I do.

So, this is where the real fun begins. There are 3 ex-National Party independant members and One Green Party (Stinky-Hippy-tree-hugger-and-probable-commie) member on the cross benches.

Being that both major parties will probably get 73 seats each, and need 76 seats to have a majority, some serious fun is in store for the future.

Yes, the Green will probably side with Labor giving them effectively 74 seats, two shy of a majority. Meaning that Labor will need to get all 3 of the ex-Nationals (Money-for-farmers-not-the-unemployed) because the Party that forms government has to nominate the Speaker for the house reducing the count of seats on the floor by one and thus possibly losing the clear majority and forcing the Speaker to vote.

Now, the speaker only votes when there is tie in the vote on the floor. And it’s presumed that the speaker will vote with the government as the speaker is usually a member of the party that forms the Government. But! If the Green or one of the ex-Nationals is offered the Speaker’s position as an enticement to sign up, the certainty that the Speaker will vote with the Government is gone.

The thing most people are focusing on is the National Broadband Network (NBN) which under Labor would deliver 100Mbps speeds over Government owned fiber optics to 93% of the population, or the Coalitions offering of 12Mbps over privately owned wireless networks. This is important as the ex-Nats were very pissed off that Telstra (former govt. owned Telecoms company) was privatised and services to “The Bush” went straight Down the crapper, and leaving folks in rural and regional areas stuck on dial up. Australia is about 50th on the table of broadbands speeds in the world, so you kind of get the picture about how important the NBN would be to the rural regions, Businesses, and pr0n surfers of Australia.

The dreaded ISP side internet filter looks to be a dead issue as the Greens and Coalition have decided that they will vote against the legislation when/if it’s introduced.

Anyways, that’s the state of play so far down here, and it will get more interesting when they start to count the postal and absentee votes tomorrow (Wednesday) as some of the leads held in some seats is <400 votes.


Ooo! Things just got more interesting!

Seems one of the seats called for Labor has swung to an independant, which brings us to 4 independents, and 1 green.

The new independent is a chap called Andrew Wilkie, who has run as an independent and as a Green candidate in previous elections. He is most noted for being a whistle-blower from the intelligence community who leaked information on John Howard’s (Dubya’s “man of steel”) Government ‘WMD in Iraq’.

Now it looks like 72 for Labor/Gillard and 74 for Coalition/Abbot.

@JNOV; I’ve been here, but never really had anything relevant or /TJ to say really

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering….

The Australian Sex Party did not win a seat.

“Not a single sausage” in the words of Monty Python’s ‘Election Night Special’

(Sorry couldn’t resist)

Already rumours are spreading about the death of “Party Unity”. So what do Party Whips do now?

@CheapBoy: Good to know you’re well. I think about you often.


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