Your Tax Dollars At Work

0-60 in 6 seconds? Where’s the ulrabadness? Where’s the skin on your face slapping against the back window? You wanna sell a new expensive car, the fucking thing has to fucking seethe. Rip the doors and roof off, give it 0-100 in 2 second acceleration and a sniper seat for the passenger to pick off uppity staties. That’s the kind of hybrid or electric car America wants.

Here’s the working specification for an electric car or hybrid that people will want to buy:

1-100 in 2 seconds
10,000 watt sound system
Generous back seat for ice and beer

@FlyingChainSaw: feh – 6 seconds isn’t so bad … especially if you’re getting 100 mpg. I’d buy one if it was well priced and I needed a car.

Make a small pickup recharged with solar cells and they will sell a million of them.

@FlyingChainSaw: Yep. Snipers especially like those Zonie Snow Birds.

@JNOV: Is a ZSB like a vacationing Canadian zombie or something?

@FlyingChainSaw: Yup, except they have blue hair, Arizona license plates, and they swerve all over San Diego roads in the “winter.” They can also be spotted at Palm Springs and in casinos, but usually they just weave around The 5 at about 15 MPH. I hear they eat surfer brain, which is why they’re dying off in droves.

@FlyingChainSaw: What, no ether dispenser?

@Walking Still: What about flying bats on The 15?

@FlyingChainSaw: Someone put up a new Vox Stique asking what is an acceptable acceleration time, 0-60. Top fuel cars included. If you guys go metric on me, I will boo you!

@JNOV: 0-60 kmph in 3 seconds would be great.

(remember, an inch has 2.5 cms, the average (male) palm is ten cms (that’s 4 inches!) wide from thumb to pinkie, and a 10K road race is 6 miles – it’s easy!)

@Beesko: eff youse n ur fuzzy maths.

@JNOV: I think even Hunter would have agreed that the flying bats could be an option rather than standard equipment. Still, he would have probably liked to crack them out for his car ride with Nixon.

@JNOV: You mean “maths” like 2.5 games out of first, still struggling to hang on to a fookin wild card spot? Heh.

@Walking Still: Best lyric that should have been written by HST about talking football with Nixon in his car:

Well my cadillac
Is johnson’s cadillac
Is stalin’s cadillac
Is somoza’s cadillac
Is general pinochet’s cadillac and be referred to reagan’s cadillac.

@Nabisco: Then there is always Geronimo’s Cadillac.

It almost makes up for Wildfire.

@Walking Still: For the car or the passengers?

@FlyingChainSaw: With the performance you are looking for, I think the passengers would need it, although that may depend on their tolerance for giant bats.

@Nabisco: When in the world do you need the ability to accelerate that quickly? Maybe at a track? Otherwise, real world, 60 in 6 seconds is just fine. Hell, some people enjoy the challenge of driving a small underpowered car.

@blogenfreude: I believe the “need” factor is associated with males concerned with what they lack in other departments.

@blogenfreude: Because with electric, you can!

@blogenfreude: When in the world do you need the ability to accelerate that quickly?

Trying to get on The 405 from a very short on-ramp.

@Walking Still: Heh.

@Nabisco: Don’t make me pull out The Onion on you again. Maybe the Pirates will have one winning season within your grandchildren’s lifespans. Meh. Probably not.

@Walking Still: Please with the “only dudes dig fast cars” shiz again. I told you guys: The only time I have penis envy is when I need to pee standing up. There’s something for that (Hint: Moe is in this video). It’s a shame it looks gangrenous. What’s even worse is that Slut Machine gets to do all the talking.

@nojo: Haha! In CA, merging traffic from on ramps has the right of way. Pfft.

@blogenfreude: Because it’s FUN.

@JNOV: In CA, merging traffic from on ramps has the right of way. Pfft.

Right of way? In Southern California? You’re adorable.

@nojo: So I’ve heard…

@JNOV: On the rare occasions I return to the Ancestral Home to fix Mom’s computer, I’m the meanest fucking bastard on Eugene streets. Takes a day to adjust.

Related: A philosophy friend, from Philly, liked to tell the story of when he first arrived in Mellowville. He walked into a hoagie shop, and—

Important note: There are no hoagie shops in Eugene. There are sub shops, and a joint called Giant Grinder, but “grinder” was an exoticism that never took root.

—and slammed his hand down on the counter as he barked his order. It took two EMT units to restore calm to the scene.

@nojo: Hoagies only exist in Philly, as far as I’m aware. When I’m in NJ, they are “subs.” I don’t want anyone spitting in my food. I have no idea what a grinder is (Quiznos?).

This is how you order on the Left Coast: “Can I get a…?”

East Coast: “Gimme a…!”

It’s a wonder we haven’t all perished from e-coli tainted food.

@JNOV: Don’t forget to Have a Nice Day. No, really. We insist. You don’t fuck with the Lifestyle Police.

@nojo: This Is AMERICA: WHEN ORDERING ‘SPEAK ENGLISH’ “

@Nabisco:
americans understand the metric system ONLY w/r/t drugs.

@blogenfreude:
i reported a story within the past few weeks that demonstrates why you need power. when i was passing the asshole who sped up, forcing me to either drive head on into an 18 wheeler or into the water? i had the power to squeeze into the spot between the truck and in front of said asshole.
that’s why!

@JNOV: Hoagies only exist in Philly, as far as I’m aware And other places under the spell cultural dumb-down of Philly. I grew up making hoagies for fundraising duty. Grinders are a New England thing, like “fraps” for milkshakes.

Me? Ima gonna have me a sammich and a pop dahntahn. Boy, those Fils really crumbled last night against Strasburg and his gimp arm. Stillers beat up on the Giants however. Heh.

@nojo: Ma and I watched the first five episodes of “Arrested Development” last night, and aside from the very 70s 10 spd “Michael” tools around on, I thought “wait a minute, it’s sunny all the fucking time.

@Nabisco: Um, as much as I love to see the Giants lose, Not-Manning was playing, dude.

ADD: Seriously, it’s fucking RICH that you give my shit about the Phillies when then Pirates haven’t had a winning season since I was breastfeeding my now adult son.

ADDD: At least the Pirates have set a record for the most losing seasons of ANY North American Professional Sports Team. I think that includes ALL professional sports, like baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer, boccie ball, nose picking…

@Nabisco: …

@baked: americans understand the metric system ONLY w/r/t drugs.

Hahahahaha! I’d only add US Americans. I bet South America has us beat on this one. Canadianland? They’re as confused as we are.

I remember all the metric stuff I learned in science classes, though. 9.8 m/s^2 and such.

@JNOV:
did i forget the US first? that’s the first time since tara vied for the crown.
miss south carolina. think she could beat miss Byberry?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadelphia_State_Hospital_at_Byberry

@baked:

Haha! You ever get your jacked up Skype running?

@JNOV:
it was rachel, not tara, btw…i get my beauty queens mixed up.

nothing is running on this phone. last night i discovered, IT STOPPED RINGING. (i have it set to bark!) i’ll be back at the store first thing in the morning. the staff is delightful, just stoopid, and ill trained.
the ONE person who knows what’s up is on vacation, as is my phone til she gets back.

@FlyingChainSaw: And handles like a Lotus. I’d buy one.

Good old days dept: this is the kind of awful handling I remember from 60s Chevys: http://jalopnik.com/5618925/. How I survived that, I don’t know.

@Nabisco: … (cuz I be bumpin’ and shit)

TJ/ My ancient version of Word for my Mac fucking hates me! That is all.