Cap Your Gusher

Drill deep and don’t spill a drop with Oil Spill Condoms [Grist, via Dodgerblue]
153 Comments

Does this post explain the creepy picture of GW Bush and the urgent ad to keep the Bush tax cuts? Has the RNC quietly become a sponsor?

I’m guessing the lubed ones are petroleum free?

@Dave H: You’re getting Shrub? The ad I saw yesterday was pitching a very frightening Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson looking like the dude from Ghost Busters II here.

@JNOV: My rig is floating.
BTW, re the ads — AdBlock really works.

@Dodgerblue: That’s my beer money you’re blocking.

Then again, I only drink beer during liveblogs and Missed Connections with Furry-Encumbered Stinquers. Carry on.

@nojo: I make up for it by using the Stinque Linque for my Amazon.com purchases. L’chaim!

Oh, and while y’all are suffering with Shrub and Fred, I’m getting Christiane Amanpour. Not sure how Google knows about my fantasy three-way with her and Sylvia Poggioli.

@nojo: For some reason, the FB share link is including the first comment and not just the picture.

@nojo: I’m hot for Gwen Ifill. Smart, funny, beautiful skin, and that twinkle in her eye. Be nice to wake up next to her, eh guys?

@nojo: Haha!

@Dodgerblue: Dude! Heh.

You’re killing me!

Levi could have used some with BP.

@Dodgerblue: Free handjobs for all!

ADD: I’ll retell the “Free Mustache Rides/Blue-haired ladies and blowjobs/beach volley ball/tooth missing blond dude/fire fighters, Sambuca and Jaeger/threatening the DJ with physical violence/getting bounced + mile-high with a Marine” stories one day, if y’all want.

@Dodgerblue: @nojo: Agree re Gwen and Christiane being awesome and attractive, I’ve never seen a pic of Sylvia Poggioli.

/scurries off to Google images….

here we go. Also attractive. I could listen to her reading the phone book out loud.

But wait – per her bio she was born in Providence and raised in Massachusetts?

@Dodgerblue: Were you part of this clusterfuck in Idaho?

@SanFranLefty: My sixth is WIDE FUCKING OPEN! Who wants to see?

@Dodgerblue: Based on that mugshot, Al Gore’s line will eventually evolve into Admiral Ackbar.

/ off soon to fancy dinner and open air Japanese hot tub joint for anniversary celebration, then hop on a plane to Montana for a hearing. Back Tuesday, but I’ll be checking in here and on the FB.

@SanFranLefty: Sylvia just sounds hot, especially when she says, “This is Sylvia Poggioli for…”

CHEAP BOY, SKYPE ME! I wanna hear your accent!

@SanFranLefty: No, we’re trying to keep all the public law cases out of that mess. It’s like a cage fight with plaintiffs’ class action lawyers.

@SanFranLefty: Not until I’m sure that my blowout preventer is working.

@redmanlaw: Congratulations and safe travels!

@JNOV: FB has its own way with figuring out what to include. I find myself editing it a good part of the time.

@SanFranLefty: Oh! But Levi’s a virgin, right? Cue up Kids and Chloë Sevigny…

@SanFranLefty: I wouldn’t know Silvia on sight, but she could just ravish my ear.

@nojo: I tried to edit it, but it didn’t give me that option, and I tried to just copy and paste the URL instead of using the FB button. Meh. I just threw it up there. All I’m allowed to change is the thumbnail. Lemme give it another shot.

ADD: Nope. No dice.

ADDD: I’ll just look for the Stinque link on the profile wall and share from there.

@nojo: Bet she gives good aural.

Ahem, and you should allow me inspect your ears first, you know, cuz I’m here to help.

@Dodgerblue: Snip? Snip? A bag of frozen peas is good for that.

@Dodgerblue: Good man.

TJ/ To beer, or not to beer? That is the question.

@JNOV: I’m going to spin class to burn off more calories than are in the Mexican beer I’ll drink later.

@Dodgerblue: Dude. Spin scares me shitless. Mad props to you. Yeah, I think I’m heading to the beer joint before it closes. Hope Downstairs Dude doesn’t try to cop another feel my brew.

@redmanlaw: BP could have used some in the Gulf.

First time I focused on Bristol’s unfortunate initials.

@Walking Still: You don’t even want to know what my unfortunate initials are — and they’re on a monogrammed tote my mother gave me in addition to the fucked up name. Let’s just say that middle school was hell. I now carry my tote with pride because of despite the line of men who follow me around…

@Walking Still: Yo! I would be sooooo fucking thrilled if you friended me (yeah, I know) on FB. “Impact” isn’t a verb either, but I’m giving up that fight. I be JNOVJezebel [at] teh gmail. Shoot me a note under a pseudonym if nothing else? I wanna know you on the inside or on the downlow. You’re interesting.

@JNOV: I’m firmly convinced that boys in middle school are some of the most uncivilized creatures on the planet. I was far too socially deficient to gather data on the girls.

I’m glad you are able to own it now.

@Walking Still: Heh. Yeah, it’s kinda funny, actually. The last time (and it is the last time ever) I was at my mom’s, my SON had to explain to her the other meaning of my initials. ::SMH::

Whoa, hey – who opened the bar up so early?

/pulls up a stool/

Fashion TJ:
Tim Gunn and Shelley O together!

I wonder if he pulled her aside and had a little chat about how her cardigan and boob belt look is getting old.

@SanFranLefty: Oh, hey! Your link led to this James Franco interview. Bookmarked! Our Franco connection: Jr went to same orthodontist while at Teh Horse Farm. Spiderman I hadn’t come out yet, and we were like, “Why is this dude’s picture all over the fucking place?” And did Bikram with Leslie Bibb. Small fucking world.

@JNOV: Did you see this Christina Hendricks article for Chainsaw?

Oh, and if you click through the Tim Gunn/Shelly O slideshow, there are some random and great photos of doggies at the end of it.

@JNOV: again with the “Skippy”!

@SanFranLefty: Love that color on her. I do hope Tim was able to give her some guidance.

::sigh:: Once again I’m left alone to play with myself.

So, I will now sing the praises of Super Krazy Glue. Okay, Super Krazy Glue, even the CVS generic version, is The. Best. Thing. On. Earth. Well, besides antibiotics, beer and Xanax.

I’ve had the same NASA geek, now MadMen, glasses for ten years, and Super Crazy Glue has kept them in workable condition for six of them. I inadvertantly rolled on them on them during a certain private moment, and I broke them AGAIN! But, Super Krazy Glue came to the rescue. AGAIN! Buy stock in Super Krazy Glue. It’s good shit.

@Nabisco: Hey, but I didn’t tell you to hop back, did I? Come a little closer…

@SanFranLefty: Haha! And Chainsaw CLAIMS he doesn’t have a thing for Gingers!

What’s this wild rumor about me and Women of Exceptional Health of the Ginger Persuasion?

Hmmmm…

I will click through to teh puppehs!

@SanFranLefty: Okay.

1. Puppy LOVE!

2. Floral arrangements? So lovely. I hate cut flowers (another one of my weird, “Just let the living stuff LIVE, motherfuckers!” things), but I’d love to know what flowers, plants were in those centerpieces.

3. White House dinnerware — plates? Who gives a fuck. Silverware — Niiiiice.

4. Hipster Douche nicely offset by some awesome Chaka Kahn hair.

Very nice pics. Indeed.

@Mistress Cynica: Tom and Lo were hating on Shelley O’s outfit to the Gulf Coast but I couldn’t figure out why until I got to the end of the post. I thought she looked great – the color and cut worked despite the horizontal stripedness of it – and the outfit did NOT need a belt (which is what T&L were saying). Plus wearing bright blue or red shoes would have been ridiculous given she was doing another oil leak tour of the Gulf. Your thoughts on the dress/shoe choice?

ADD for JamieSommers: Speaking of horizontal stripes, I noticed Janet Napolitano in one of the T&L photos. When will one of the gheyz at Homeland Security or on her staff or back in AZ stage an intervention and tell her to stop wearing those boxy jackets with horizontal stripes that make her look twice as wide as she actually is?

@SanFranLefty: I’m confused. She was wearing a belt? I didn’t see any belt. She needed a belt why? She’s wearing a high-waisted dress, and the belt would be under her fucking tits. She’s not an anorexic for chrissakes!

ADD: Ah. Okay. We’re on the same page. I like the dress. I think it’s unfair that they compared pics of her to pics of a 14-year-old model. Whatever.

@JNOV: Eggzactly. The comments are overwhelming in favor of MO being “in” with the look and pointing out that with her high waist* and lovely bottom she shouldn’t have had a belt like a 14 year old anorexic had slung around the non-existent hips, and that it would have been inappropriate for MO to wear crazy shoes.

I join the T&L comments in yet again noting that she doesn’t stand up straight. Thanks to Shelley O and Tom & Lo, I am now hyper-aware of my tall-girl tendency to slouch like she does, and several times a day consciously say inside my head that I need to put my shoulders back and stand up straight.

*I suffer from the tall girl high waist, and like her, if I wear a belt, it becomes a de facto underwire for the girls.

ADD: Meanwhile, Shelley O in a pantsuit. Hmm. Looks like something from the ’70s. Not as bad as Nancy Reagan’s all-yellow unlined pants, but hmm.

@SanFranLefty: Man, stand tall and PROUD, You Awesome Woman, You! I’d give just about anything to have grown two more inches. I’m not sure when I stopped slouching. I mos def did it until the boys caught up to my height. Except for Andy. :-) Andy was AWESOME and irreverent, and I used to make faces at him during Meeting. Fake hiccups, shit like that.

@HopBack/IPAnema Girl: Bought DFW:IJ tonight. I may not drink for awhile.

@Nabisco: OH! May I tell you how much I LOVE YOU! If you make it through the first 90 pages (and read ALL the endnotes — you must! They are short stories in and of themselves — esp the one about videophones — we must discuss later), well, after the first 90 pages, YOU WILL BE HOOKED! Indeed. Hooked. The first 90 pages are confusing as hell, but then you get it, and you think, “Aha! This guy was brilliant!” and then you think you’re brilliant for getting it. Man, great fucking book!

@Nabisco: Hmmmmm…IPAnema grrrl? Um. Exotique? There May Be Blood…

TJ: Season 4 of Rocky and Bullwinkle is now available for preorder on Amazon. It’s been a long wait.

@Walking Still: OH! HUZZAH!

ADD: Whatchoo drankin’?

@JNOV: “I’m not sure when I stopped slouching.”

I know exactly when I did. It was when I dated a guy in college who was 6’3″* and when I stopped worrying about trying to hide the fact that I have boobehs.

*This was after dating a 5’7″ and 5’8″ guy – I probably could have married the 5’7″ guy except for when he said to me, “[SFL], you would be perfect if you weren’t taller than me.” WTF are you supposed to say to that besides FUCK you and not talk to him again until his wedding three years later.

@JNOV: I actually passed on some good red wine tonight. It was hard. We have a three and half hour Hamlet tonight and I want to make it through all the poetry and killing.

Tip a glass for me.

@SanFranLefty: Man. Dudes fucking suck, sometimes (present company excluded, mebbe). You dodged a fucking BULLET! My fave shoes make me 5’9″. Got ’em in black and maroon. If a dude can’t take my height or mah bewbies, fuck him, and not in the carnal sense.

@SanFranLefty: I think your response was just about right. The judges would have also accepted decorating him with a plate of food and never speaking to him again.

@Walking Still: I gotta try to get the organic red, o/w I get THE RED WINE HEADACHE FROM HELL, and then I have bitch face all day. Luv me some Cab with a hint of blackberries. I MISS CA!

@JNOV: Speaking on behalf of all 38 million odd (some very odd) of us, we miss you too. This week is the 30th anniversary of my arrival in Lotusland. It remains a strong candidate for second best decision I ever made.

Marrying Ms. Still will always be in a league of its own,

@Walking Still: :-) California has always felt like home since my first visit when I was 14. ::sigh::

@SanFranLefty: Okay. That pantsuit looks like something from Saturday Night Fever.

@JNOV: @Walking Still: I feel the same w/r/t the Golden State, in all its fucked up glory.

A Stinque After Dark! The first in so long, and it seems there was “pent up” demand, 70 some responses, and its hardly even dark here on the east coast yet.

Whats the topic? Oh, a condom cashing in on the oil well gusher motif, thats cool, but can I offer an observation from something I saw just today?

I am going to France tomorrow, and I decided to pop in the superdrugmart place nearby, I don’t go to those places, I get my prescriptions in the grocery store pharmacy. But I wanted to stock up on the little thingies that are so good to have when travelling, the handy-packs of wetwipes, so you can have a good, refreshing hiney-wipe while travelling, some lozengers, as we call them in the philadelphia accent area, for the breathing while on airplanes for long periods, some immodium, breath mints, saline nasal spray for the nose, and being an alterkacker, I actually bought one of those 7-day pill organizers, so I don’t have to bring all my prescription bottles, and I can remember, not to take the drugs, but so I can remember whether I took them.

Thats a topic worthy of its own topic, remembering your meds, I never forget to take my meds, never. My problem is, sometimes I cannot remember whether I took them already, and I get scared I am going to take them again, and double the dose. Thats where the daily pill organizer comes in handy, you can look at the little container for Tuesday’s pills, and if its empty, you know that you took them.

A word to the wise, moleskins. I don’t know if people who are not serious hikers are familiar with moleskins, but, on vacation, you wind up walking way way more than you usually do, and often in shoes not built for long-distance hiking, (or in new shoes you bought just for the trip) and you get blisters. Moleskins, they are the total cure for foot issues, never travel without them.

So I was socking up on hiney-wipes, moleskins, diarreah medicine, batteries, etc. etc., and I walked by the condom section of the drugstore, for the first time in years, I am spayed, and married, I have not worn a condom in decades, but I glanced at the shelves, and I was amazed.

Things has changed they has changed so much. There are products on that shelf, I didn’t know what they were.

Back in the day, “lubricant” meant “KY.” Now, they have these things that say they “cool” and “warm” and tingle, and confuse, and they seem to suggest that there are lubes that, the guy uses one kind, the chick uses the other kind, and when they mix, its like matter and antimatter or something.

And the condoms, some of them come with “vibrating rings,” whatever the hell that is.

What the fucking fuck is all this shit? Its really pretty simple, you rub your tingly bits against each other until you get all shivery and maybe squeek a bit. “Fire and Ice?” WTF?

Fashion TJ Again:
Meanwhile, where’s Manchu, our favorite Canuck?

Now that I’m going through Project Rungay for the first time in ages, I have to ask you on behalf of your country how can you defend what Fatty Harper’s wife is wearing? Did she figure she was going to lose regardless against Shelley O, so she might as well make a dress out of the curtains? Sound of Music children have more attractive dresses. She looks like an attractive woman – but WTF was she wearing.

And: I’m sure all the str8 stinquers love that shit-eating grin that the Unicorn has in the sixth or seventh photo down as he and Michelle go past the Mounties (MOUNTIES!) because at least in the seventh photo you can just tell he’s thinking about his evening with Michelle.

Bow-chicka-bow-bow…

@SanFranLefty: Yeah. Heaven on Earth sez this godless atheist. Except for my BRIEF stint in Bakersfield. The only cool thing about living there? Driving to the coast and seeing this (our Chows LOVED it and we collected sand dollars) and this and this and this (second pic — camped on the cliffs, lulled to sleep and awakened by the waves) and this (esp pic #4) and this. We almost moved to Cambria. And then there’s this (ROSEBUD! Twilight tour is the best…)

ADD: And there’s a ghost town somewhere along the way…

@Promnight: LOZENGERS! Yes! And moleskin! Indeed. Had to patch up Jr’s foot in NOLA.

Embarrassing Flight Confession: I fell asleep on Some Dude’s Shoulder multiple times (!) on a red eye from CA to PA. Like three or four times. How did I realize this Sleeping on Some Dude Thing? I snore like a lumberjack, esp when sitting (sexy, no?), so my snoring would wake ME up, I’d apologize profusely, and THEN FALL ASLEEP ON THIS DUDE AGAIN! I think this was also the same flight where we were struck by lightening (I’ve been in two planes struck by lightening, no St. Elmo’s Fire, though), so we may have already bonded. I’m not sure. But he let me sleep on his shoulder and snore away and smiled at me when I was so embarrassed about sleeping on this guy. I don’t think I was drooling…

@Promnight: Its really pretty simple, you rub your tingly bits against each other until you get all shivery and maybe squeek a bit.

Ummm…well, it all depends on Staying Power. Some folks just don’t have much, um, stamina, like three minutes? Can I get three fucking minutes? Jesus!

@SanFranLefty: Oh. That dress is pretty, um, festive? And I’m sure even Walking Still and I will will agree that Mounties are Teh Awesome! Dudley!

@Promnight: Oh, another Fun Thing with Condoms in The MidAtlantic? Going to the Wawa at 2 AM and having to go behind the register to pick out condoms with the cashier. Um. Yeah. 24-hour CVS next time!

@JNOV: Hah, we do have to get together. I do love you.

@Promnight: Love you, too, Sweetheart. Very much. Have a safe trip, take lots of pictures and have fun!

Dans les voitures de Paris vous allez vite, tres vite! Feu verte vous pouvais rouler, rouler. Dans les voitures de Paris, vous allez vite, tres vite! Feu rouge, vous vous arrestez…

@JNOV: Cambria is a beautiful little town, and you can get ollalaberry pie there.
BTW I am 6-4 and my wife 5-0. Our daughters rocketed up to 5-4.

@JNOV: Find a guy on a SSRI antidepression med, man, they can make you go on forever and ever and ever. When I started taking lexapro, I was so scared of the “sexual side effects,” as they are called. The stories I read, researching this drug, mentioned guys just not being able to orgasm, other stories discreetly mentioned that sex required “patience” and understanding. I think I was extraordinarily lucky, what might usually have been a slightly-less than optimal duration, just turned into a slightly more than optimal duration, and really, isn’t it safer to err on the side of duration?

But then, really, at our age, its not the everyday, so much, its the surprises, that matter.

@Dodgerblue: Heh. Nothing wrong with height “disparity.” I really don’t have a problem with it, but dudes who are my height or shorter seem to. That’s their problem if they don’t seem to realize standing nookie is A LOT easier on their thighs if we’re closer in height. Meh.

How was spin? How are the bières du Mexique?

And, yeah, Cambria. ::sigh:: I would’ve worked in Templeton, but they just weren’t paying as much as Bakersfield, so I turned down the offer.

@Promnight: Um…no one has staying power with me, even on SSRIs or any anti-orgasmic. Round One is on me. If there’s no Round Two, Three or Four, well, he’s gotta go, or I do. And age doesn’t matter. It’s like being 18 again. ;-)

@Dodgerblue: Have you ever had huckleberries? I didn’t even know such a thing existed out of a Twain novel until we went to Yellowstone and had huckleberry truffles. Oh! I’m not a big candy fan, but truffles? Yum!

@JNOV: Height disparity = back problems in certain situations.

I went with HeBrew beer (get it? it’s Israeli) tonight because, well, it’s the first thing I saw in the fridge. It’s OK, but not close to Dos XX.

Not paying as much as Bakersfield — that’s setting the bar pretty low, no?

@Dodgerblue: Well, no one wanted to live in Bakersfield, and this was back when I was a sonographer. Bakersfield paid very well, esp for the cost of living. The sucky thing was that I was part of the Mercy system, and they had two hospitals. So, when I was on call, I’d be on call for both hospitals on opposite sides of town, and invariably, they’d want me at the same time.

So, I’d get paged, brush my teeth, get my act together and drive to one hospital, and then go to the other. I was making enough to have a live-in nanny on the days I had call. And then I’d have to be at work at 7:30 AM the next day.

Call was where the money was — even if I completed a scan in 30 minutes, I was paid for two hours at time and a half, and I also was paid just to carry the beeper. So, the base salary was nice, and the call $ was mad money, basically. Not bad for someone without a degree.

Then my parents convinced me to move back east to go to college, so I did. I don’t regret it at all, but I was doing much better money wise before I had this crippling student loan debt.

Best Ultrasound Story: So, there’s this thing called “testicular torsion.” Testes just sort of hang in the scrotum, retreat into the abdomen when you’re little — you know — they’re kinda mobile.

So, testicular torsion is when one of those bad boys twists and cuts off the blood supply. Hurts like hell, and a testicle can die in four hours. And you gotta be very, very gentle when scanning nutz, I mean, no pressure whatsoever. So, that was one of the emergencies I’d get called in for. That and ectopic pregnancies; everything else could wait (but they still called me in for bullshit anyway)…

@Dodgerblue: Oh, yeah — back probs. Ice and then heat. It’s worth it…

@JNOV:

U/S Story, cont.

So, testicular torsion REALLY hurts. I mean, it’s fucking awful. So, I got called in to ultrasound this guy, and he kicks back, puts his hands behind his head and chats me up while I’m scanning his nuts. I’m like, “Um. Okay. What makes you think you’ve got testicular torsion?”

“Oh, I dunno. They thought I had it before. I was driving through town and I felt this twinge, so I though I’d come in.”

O_o

Needless to say, no torsion. At four fucking AM, he wanted his nuts gelled up and scanned. Grrrrr.

@JNOV: You must have some great stories. I saw an ultrasound photo the other day of twins in utero. Awesome. The proud grandmother-to-be was showing it around.

@JNOV: Al Gore with his boxers in a twist?

@Dodgerblue: Man, I’m thinking of brewing my own beer. The set up is like $100 or something. It wouldn’t be Glatt, though…

Standing sex is complete misery unless the chick is taller than the dude, or standing on a box.

@JNOV: I Have done the beer brewing, its gratifying, the beer is really good, but, it still costs more than the very best beer you can buy. Its drudgery on a grand scale to have to sterilize 70 or 80 beer bottles, in your kitchen.

@Dodgerblue: I used to keep a teaching file of all the cool stuff I saw. Names removed, etc. It included x-rays, CTs, Ultrasounds, Mammos. The only thing I didn’t know was MRI, cuz MRI was new back then.

You have no idea the weird stuff people eat that get stuck in their stomachs (um, GI Joe heads. Really.), that kids stick up their noses, some of it is pretty interesting. And I still have nightmares about some of the horrific stuff I saw. Not blood and guts — I’m good with that, but just people being cruel to each other, doctors trying to convince parents to turn off life support and have their kid become an organ donor. That stuff has stayed with me.

@Dodgerblue: Heh. I wanted to punch this guy. I should’ve used cold gel on him, but then I would have been chasing his nuts all over the place.

@Dodgerblue: Man, twins ARE TOUGH! You gotta follow them, like do three or more scans over the course of the pregnancy, and you have to consistently be able to identify Twin A and Twin B. Ugh. Then there’s the whole issue of sound not traveling through bone, so if Twin A is on top of Twin B, you gotta make Mom roll all over the place to try to get to the twin underneath. And you gotta hope you keep the twins straight from scan to scan.

The hardest thing was scanning the preemies in the NICU for brain bleeds. Tough.

ADD: Tough to do and tough on the heart.

@Promnight: Sitting on a counter, table, etc.?

@Promnight: Yeah — the bottling thing is what kinda puts me off.

@JNOV: Do you remember, 2 years ago, my co-worker, it makes me feek guilty that I think he’s such a dweeb, but his 5-year old suffocated on a grape, and lived for 2 weeks on life support, brain dead, but they had to pull the nutrition and water, to let him die? I feel for him, and I feel for the doctors, nurses, everyone, who had to be involved in that talk about withdrawing the feeding and hydration. If I let myself, I could just break down and cry for a week. But, I can’t allow that, in the end, its transferred self-pity, I think, sometimes, when you get too emotional about things that don’t really touch your life, like whales. But this dude’s son, he’s the closest I ever got to losing my shit over someone who is no relation to me.

@Promnight: Ah, but a sweet misery, no? And the payoff is great!

@JNOV: Sitting on, or bending over, a counter, table, what have you, now thats another story entirely, thats the most bestest best

@Promnight: I disagree about the pity part. This stuff always sinks in on some level.

When I was on nights, I’d have to x-ray 20-30 people each night — take the portable machine around and basically watch people die. And I saw some pretty shitty stuff go down in my dept and in the OR. But I had laser focus at the time — I couldn’t allow myself to fuck up (and portable x-rays are HARD, cath lab is HARD, the OR is HARD), but if you fuck up, that’s more time the patient spends in pain, in the OR, etc., so you gotta try your best to get it right.

BUT, later, after the adrenaline rush, you gotta process what you saw or it will HAUNT you. It will fucking HAUNT you. You can’t ignore the abused kids or the people dying before your eyes. It sinks in. It sinks in. And if you don’t allow yourself to feel and cry and yell, well, it will come bite you in the ass. Eventually.

ADD: Yes, I do remember. :’-(

@Promnight: Broken dishes on the floor. That’s some good shit, there.

@JNOV:

“Ah, but a sweet misery, no? And the payoff is great”

OK, the position of crouching down, while standing, to get the entry angle right, can cause such amazing pain in the major muscles of the upper legs and lower back, that the tension on those muscles, seems to combine with the impuslses of the orgasm, so that the orgasm seems to take over the whole lower body. So, yes, an orgasm resulting from a sex position that iss actually kinda awkward and painful, can be an amazing orgasm.

@JNOV: Falling down tearing each others clothes off, thats some good stuff there, too.

@Promnight: Pfft. Just moving the clothes to the side. Taking off clothes is a waste of time sometimes.

@JNOV: This is a rare event, I am staying up stupid late on purpose, I am flying east tomorrow, travelling into the next day and losing 5 hours. Tomorrow is only going to be a half day for me, I am going to go to bed and wake up to morning 5 hours earlier than usual. So I have decided to skip tomorrow, there is no tomorrow for me, I am going to bed tonight, late, and I will wake up in the middle of my night, tomorrow morning, to get on the plane, and I will go back to sleep, and for me, tomorrow is Sunday in Paris, what you all think of as Saturday, will be an part of my very long friday night-sunday morning time period.

@JNOV: The panty-pull-aside is the single hottest thing ever in the history of the universe.

@Promnight: Time is relative, my dear.

@Promnight: Panties and shorts, miniskirts, semi-public…

I’ve totally misplaced my beer.

@Promnight: Sleep on Beloved’s shoulder on the plane. Just don’t snore or drool. It’s not polite. ;-)

@JNOV: You are making me happy. Its nice to see you in a good mood.

@Promnight: Yep. There was a 9-inch “disparity” between me and this one guy I loved. He didn’t mind the burn. Play through it!

@Promnight: Thanks! It’s nice to be in a good mood despite this shitty day. PELL Grant canceled, but I think we got it back. We’ll know on Wed. Four-hour HELL Jr and I went through at the Naval base trying to get his health care and ID card situation handled. System was down. Gotta go back next week. Meh. Putting out fires left and right, but as long as there’s a solution, there’s no problem, right?

ADD: And it’s nice to make you happy. Do you know the English translation of La Marseillaise? Bloodiest fucking national anthem EVER! Coolest, too.

Hooray! Beer found. I need Lo-Jack or something for my beer.

@JNOV: I understand it says things like “stab stab stab our enemies, make the streets run with their bsettilood, everyone sucks, except us.” I still like the french, their wine their cheese, their sexing.

@JNOV: We gotta make a stinque east coast thing happen, here’s a proposal, you promote the event, I will be glad to host it, September is the very very best month of all, here on the shore. Think on these things: Fire on the beach, guitars, drums, tambourines, dancing on the sand, food and friends and tribal connection. Roaring surf, setting sun, cocktails, food, I truly, honestly, hunger to make this happen, to host a party, of you all people I love and admire.

But really, I am, I know, an unlikeable loser, and if I throw the party, noone will come, its my life. I have no friends, and its because I am not worthy of freinds, I just frustrate myself when I try.

I’m not looking for sympathy, or just throwing out ill-thought statements because I am drunk, nope, I am just drunk enough to be realistic about myself.

After nearly 50 years, being socially awkward and clueless, and friendless, for so many years, it gets to where its too fucking late. I have already waited too long, and all my hope is gone.

I don’t know how to have a friend, or be a friend, because in all my life I never had a friend.

But still, I can show you all this beautiful place, I can feed you. Its really, truly, a beautiful place, here where I live. I can cook you all some good food. Just pretend I am not there.

@JNOV: @Promnight: Wow. That was. You guys. Yeah.

How does your brain work this late at night?

@Promnight: Whoa. Wait. Hold on… unlikable loser…stand by for longer comment…

@SanFranLefty: Lost cause. I heard she almost never shops for clothes; has to be dragged to stores and then usually only buys ill-fitting suits at Scottsdale consignment stores that she doesn’t have altered.

The one thing I like about Jan Brewer is the way she dresses. She wore this one white suit the other day that just looked stunning on her.

@Promnight: Okay, it goes something like this:

Come along children of the countryside
The day of glory has arrive
Let’s go to the [something]
The bloody banner is raised
The bloody banner is raised!

Listen in the countryside
The ferocious soldiers
They’re coming to kill you [your kids? Your family?]

To Arms, Citizens!
Form battalions!
We/Let’s March!
We/Let’s March!

Impure blood waters our fields

I dunno, it’s something like that.

@Promnight: I understand that. You don’t even know how much. I’ve often felt that way (although as an only child I think I handle solitude better than most), but that feeling has been especially strong since I’ve been out of work. You just lose people when that happens. They just slowly fade away, leaving you with unfulfilled promises to help, to be there, to sympathize. You feel the emptiness of the platitudes and it drains your life force. Life is high school. It really is. I was the socially awkward nerd then and I am now. Just thinner and better looking.

@Promnight: Okay, here we go:

We gotta make a stinque east coast thing happen, here’s a proposal, you promote the event, I will be glad to host it, September is the very very best month of all, here on the shore. Think on these things: Fire on the beach, guitars, drums, tambourines, dancing on the sand, food and friends and tribal connection. Roaring surf, setting sun, cocktails, food, I truly, honestly, hunger to make this happen, to host a party, of you all people I love and admire.

I’ll be there every M, W, and F. Friday is probably best. A bonfire on the beach would be LOVELY! I miss those. You have no idea. And we used to pass out on the beach..

But really, I am, I know, an unlikeable loser, and if I throw the party, noone will come, its my life. I have no friends, and its because I am not worthy of freinds, I just frustrate myself when I try.

I mean this in this nicest possible way: BULLSHIT! Okay? BULLSHIT! I’ve met you and Beloved. I like you both, very, very much. I was just feeling, oh, socially awkward myself and a little twitchy. It’s cool. No worries. It doesn’t even have to be a big thing. I’ll be two barrier islands away on Fridays. I’m cool with mayo sammichs and beerz. Seriously. We can just chill.

I’m not looking for sympathy, or just throwing out ill-thought statements because I am drunk, nope, I am just drunk enough to be realistic about myself.

Errrr…it’s pretty hard for ANY of us to be realistic about ourselves. That’s some tough shit there. I’ll tell you about The Committee later, but basically, they’re all the fuckers who’ve hurt you and slighted you and told you you aren’t shit all your life, and they kinda sit on the Board of Directors in your mind. Time to fire the fucking Committee.

After nearly 50 years, being socially awkward and clueless, and friendless, for so many years, it gets to where its too fucking late. I have already waited too long, and all my hope is gone.

I moved back to this area in 2003, and I have ONE FRIEND. ONE. That’s it. Now if you and Beloved will let me include you, my number of friends will have TRIPLED!

I don’t know how to have a friend, or be a friend, because in all my life I never had a friend.

Please see above.

But still, I can show you all this beautiful place, I can feed you. Its really, truly, a beautiful place, here where I live. I can cook you all some good food.

Honey, all I want is your company. :-) Don’t put yourself out for me. Just be yourself.

Just pretend I am not there.

Um, then what’s the point, Prom? I want to know YOU, okay? You. :-*

@Promnight: You know what I love? When I’m driving toward the shore, even before I hit the marshes, even before I leave the mainland, I can smell the salt in the air. It makes me smile.

It’s this anticipation of being near the ocean, of knowing that I’m soon about the see it, I dunno, I just sense that I’m near something very primal and beautiful and life-giving and life-taking, the origin of life, I guess, I just sort of feel myself reverberate with the world.

And I get closer and closer, and the air gets heavier and heavier, but my heart feels lighter and lighter, and I know I’m almost home. ::smiling::

The East Coast is so different from the West Coast. But different is value-neutral, ya know? The water looks different; it smells different; the temperature is different. The water off the West Coast, unless you’re on a southern-facing edge of a bay is awfully cold. But it’s also refreshing.

I was watching my son swim in Santa Cruz, and a seal was maybe 20 feet away from him. I finally got my kid’s attention so that he could see this awesome creature just hanging out in the water like he was. Just sort of vibing.

The East Coast, well, you feel little crabs nip at your toes and the water is warmer and the jelly fish come close to the shore and die, but their tentacles still sting you, and the waves are smaller, but you can still paddle out and just bob with the heartbeat of the world. ::smiling::

We’ve got horseshoe crabs, ancient ancient creatures, and they’re dying off, but maybe we can do something about it. And we’ve got those little transluscent sand crabs under the piers — grab a handful of sand, and they’ll bury themselves in your hand and tickle it, and then you put them back where you found them

Then we’ve got the obnoxious seagulls who will steal your hot dog right out of your bun if you’re not careful, wily little fuckers. ::smiling::

Let’s share that, okay? And I’ll tell you stories about how I got caught in a riptide and almost ended up in Brigantine completely starkers. (Getting home would have been, um, difficult.) ::smiling::

We’ll share memories and we’ll create new ones, okay? Let’s do that.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Any willingness on your part to move to DC and be her deputy/fashion adviser? Nothing crazy for her, mind you, just patterns and clothes that fit. Like Hillbot – know your limits, and work with them.

@SanFranLefty: Nah. I knew some of the people in her circle, many of whom followed her to DC. They’re too snobbish and cliquish.

@SanFranLefty: @TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Can we PLEASE discuss Hills dress from last night. I just saw the pic and am horrified (sorry if this has already been covered) – Ugh.

@homofascist: W. T. F. That is not a dress. That is a CAFTAN like the one my grandmother wore as a beach cover-up. Dear FSM, given Hill’s usual wardrobe, she’s the one person I’d expect to see as a properly dressed MOB.

@SanFranLefty: I thought she looked good and quite appropriate. And I love that she smashed the bottle against the ship herself with those powerful guns rather than using the wimpy little “swing the bottle on a rope” device they usually break out for women.

@Mistress Cynica:

That is not a dress.

That is not a caftan.

That is a Snuggie.

@homofascist: WTF is Hillary wearing? Could it be the angle of the photo? That it’s a fitted dress with some sort of billowy jacket?

/off to T&Lo to look at more photos.

@Mistress Cynica: I loved that she did that with the bottle. I want to find a video of her busting that sucker open.

Another photo of Hillary’s dress. Looks more fitted from this angle.

But still.

@Mistress Cynica: A-friggin-men! It would be horrifying enough if she wore this to anything but the poolside. But her daughter’s wedding festivities? WTF was she thinking? She needs new gays, stat!

@SanFranLefty: And what’s with the hair and makeup in that photo? She looks like Bill’s mother.

@Dodgerblue: I’ve just looked at around 40 pictures of her and her makeup and hair is the least of it. Though I will say w/r/t the makeup, someone needs to stop plucking her eyebrows so much. Or there was some bad Botox because she looks very surprised in every photo.

@flippin eck: Our very own Nojo hit the nail on the head – it’s a fucking snuggie.

Bill looks like he lost weight. Apparently Chelsea had told him to lose 20 pounds, looks like he did it.

While we’re on the topic of this wedding, does anyone else find it distasteful that they’re spending several million bucks on it? I know, they are rich and she’s their only child and god knows those parents put her through hell and blah blah blah if there’s anyone in the world who deserves the star and moon on a big day it’s Chelsea for putting up with the shit, but for reals? Half a million on air conditioned tents and $600 K on flowers?

@flippin eck: @Mistress Cynica: BTW, the girls on The Jez are going nuts about how beautiful that dress is and gorgeous. I’m sure if I go on and point out they’re drinking Kool-Aid and say “Actually, it looks like a Snuggie” I’d be disemvoweled and lose all Gawker Empire commenting privileges.

@SanFranLefty: She is marrying a Member of the Tribe, is she not? Have you ever been to a Jewish wedding that wasn’t over the top? And, most importantly, will he stomp a glass at the ceremony?

@Dodgerblue: I’ll pass on helping lift the chair.

Oh, the father doesn’t do that, does he? It’s been awhile.

@Dodgerblue: Yes, he’s a MOT and I’ve seen several articles speculating whether they’ll have a rabbi and minister side-by-side, or what. I guess Chelsea’s a Methodist like her mom? I dunno…

I’ve been to numerous Jewish weddings – I prefer them greatly to Christian and Catholic ones – and only one MOT wedding was over the top. Jewish guy, Catholic girl. The rest were mellow and low-key, but that might also be a reflection of the personalities of the brides and grooms. I prefer Jewish weddings because there’s a real focus on the people getting married and their families and characteristics, and less talk about God. Most excruciating wedding I ever went to was when a friend (come to think of it, it was the 5’7″ ex’s wedding) married a woman who came from a wealthy Mexican family that owned maquiladoras near Piedras Negras. There was an entire 50 minute Catholic mass and then the priest started over and did the whole thing in Spanish.

Speaking of fashion, can we discuss Barry wearing sandals with jeans? I mean, I wear my Tevas with my jeans all the time, but it looks odd on Unicorn. Maybe it’s because he’s wearing those baggy mom jeans.

@SanFranLefty: I and my 30-year-old Birks see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

@nojo: I’m wearing Tevas with my jeans right now as I type. Based upon further analysis of the photos of what he was doing last night, it’s not the sandals with jeans per se (someone posted a photo of him in Hawaii with flip flops and jeans in the Gawker comments), I think it’s more the jeans he’s wearing that are bugging me. Baggy acid wash? Are those leftovers from college?

@SanFranLefty: @nojo: I was gonna say, he looks like an Oregonian.

@Mistress Cynica: Except it looks like Barry’s wearing 8 dollar plastic chancletas from Walgreen’s.

@nojo: How many times have they been recorked?

@homofascist: BOOBS! BOOBY BOOBS!!!

And that’s all I have to say about that.

@homofascist: She looks like a green flying fox or some shit like that.

@JNOV: My Birks are an example of the philosophical question of identity: I think the straps are all that’s left.

my usual recap, since i’ts 5 a.m.

–i was a foot taller than everyone in school. i stopped slouching when i met one of my life long loves, weighing in at 6’2” during undergrad. shoulders back, chest out, stilettos on!

–did y’all see rungay last night? i loved the winner’s dress, though i thought it was very young. perfect for a bat mitzvah girl.

–JNOV, i have a little pet theory: if you can’t find your drink, you’ve had enough.

–BON VOYAGE PROMMIE!!!!

–WHY is this proposed stinque up at prommies? i’m dying over here, alone the entire month of september. i easily sleep 8, why is paradise not under consideration???

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