Dame Helen Mirren

They’re real and they’re spectacular.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, for god’s sake Helen, sit on my face!

I saw her as a young woman playing Cressida in Troillus and Cressida and it was plain to see she was major mardi-gras with breasts and hips and thighs and lips and hair and everything. I think the only men who didn’t see her coming attractions were the ones up on stage with her. Limey men tend to be more Basil than Bond.

@Benedick: I wish I were out cavorting with her right now rather than sitting in my office, trying to convince a possibly corrupt judge to do the right thing.

@Benedick: I hope that ‘major mardi gras’ is a term of endearment that Ma Nabisco will appreciate, because it’s rendezvous – 72 hours and Nabisco has got a brass band to share.

@Nabisco: She said that about herself in an interview. She was very young (though older than me) and said she dressed and behaved like it was always mardi-gras. She did and it was.

@FlyingChainSaw: She has that Sophia Loren gene … no matter her age, she captivates.

Now that I know she was in Caligula, I want to watch it, despite its reputation as one of the worst movies ever made. And knowing that her real name is Ilyeana Mironov, she is half-Russian, thats where the bad-girl comes from.

@blogenfreude: Right and if you look straight on at their faces, they’re rather homely kids. Who knows what the evolutionary rationale, but facial asymmetry is apparently a gumby getter.

Stinque.com crapware idea: We should get some Stinquers together to sing ‘Fuck Me, Helen Mirren’ to the tune of Have a Marijuana by David Peel and record it for sale.

My viral meme sense is tingling.

ADD: We could claim it was the genesis example of a new musical genre called pestorkabilly.

ADD: Who wants to call Peel? He will get the apocalyptic vulgarity angle.

@FlyingChainSaw: Her husband is one lucky guy.

@Dodgerblue: I try not to hate him.

@FlyingChainSaw: It’s interesting that the Straight Men of Stinque want to boff Dame Helen.

@Dodgerblue: Imagine … a woman that takes time out to plan to take time out with you …

There is nothing about Helen Mirren that is not filled with AWESOME.

@FlyingChainSaw: David Peel, how the fuck do you come up with that? He is my hero. For the exact reason that he should not be anyone’s hero. I love accidents.

I realize now that this is probably a post of st8 guy parity considering Lefty’s daily World Cup hotties, but for a minute I thought Helen Mirren had died and I was really, really bummed. Don’t do that to me, Bloggie!

@flippin eck: She is very much alive. Just ask that lucky putz Taylor Hackford.

@Dodgerblue: That’s why we love you boys. You have excellent taste.

BREAKING HARD: Mike Lee wins Utah GOP Senate nomination

@flippin eck: I had the same split-second heart-stop that she had shuffled off the mortal coil. Be vedddy careful, Bloggie, you need to add something to the headline beyond her name – maybe “Dame Helen Mirren: Hayell to the Yes I’d Pestork Her” or the like.

Oh, and she is all sorts of awesomeness. I hope I’m as cool and hot as her when I’m her age. Okay, I’ll admit it, I wish I were as cool and hot as her at my current age.

@SanFranLefty: Son of RML said there was this ripped granny with awesome moves at the climbing gym today.

@redmanlaw: Of course, “granny” may mean “older than 30”. When one of the biscuits was in toddler soccer, a “team” mate said “is that your grandpa?”

@FlyingChainSaw: @Promnight: The three of us need to pow-wow (apologies, RML). I saw David Peel busking in Washington Square Park in about 78 or so, and totally freaked out my h.s. buddies because I knew who he was. “You don’t puke stems and seeds” was a memorable lyric that day.

@Dodgerblue: And some of the straight women….

“calendar girls” she shines (when doesn’t she?) as a woman in a group of women of a certain age who decide to do a nude calendar to raise money.
charming! helen nekkid!

@Dodgerblue: Why? What did you expect? Some ladies are attractive. Some are gumby getters. And then there’re the wreltny provocateurs like Helen who leave men helpless with rip-snorters so savagely engorged they stretch all the skin on their faces, rendering them helpless to say anything but ‘wrelt-knee’ and other nonsense utterances. Weirdly and this will take some analysis to explain I can’t find a whole lot of excitement in the concept of a Helen Mirren-Charlotte Rampling make-out session. I guess for Helen and me that means it’s true love.

I feel less of a woman. Thanks!

No, seriously, I love her as that alcoholic cop.

@Promnight: I started with ‘Sit on My Face, Helen Mirren’ and all I could come up with was ‘Don’t Cry for Me Argentina’ as a base melody and I didn’t know if that was singable by a bunch of random, shitfaced bloggers or if it had the Stinque.com edge of apocalyptic vulgarity. Re-examining the criteria, I decided we needed something simpler and snappier and with a rawer sense of explosive sexual hunger and attendant expression. Therefore simply, ‘Fuck Me, Helen Mirren’ and the melody that came to mind almost instantly was ‘Have a Marijuana’, perfect for drunken group singalongs. That’s how I came up with that.

@FlyingChainSaw: I might could make a movie for ya…

@JNOV: With Helen?!

@FlyingChainSaw: Yes. It would have to be a parody so we could be DMCA compliant.

How many of you have Macs?

You can send me an mp3 of you singing the lyrics once the song is written, and I can merge them into a song. We can use photos and clips of Helen throughout her career (yes, it’ll be a slideshow — only way to do it unless we all get together and sing it live), and I have a secret spot I can stash the file, give y’all the embed codes, etc. I was run off of YouTube after I made “Glenn Beck Is a Dumbass Racist Douche,” but it’s still out there. ;-)

@FlyingChainSaw: Oh, sorry — not with her in the flesh, if that’s what you were asking. But we can get it to her, AND if she likes, it, we might be able to do one with her later.

@FlyingChainSaw: Charlotte Fucking Rampling, the second reason to watch The Swimming Pool, oh fucking God, she makes me want to cut it off and send it to her.

And Rampling is the perfect seque to the French, amongst whom there are many many older actresses who are everything Helen Mirren is, graceful, beautiful, natural hot steaming sexy older dames are common in French movies, only rare in the English-speaking world, there is this woman, oh, this, woman, she is all that: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3086850304/nm0000272

Deneuve. That is all.

@ManchuCandidate: And here, she is aflame from within with a fire that would destroy you, and you know it, and still, like a moth to the flame, you are lost: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm957388288/nm0000272

And you might enjoy her lesbian scene with Deneuve in 8 Women.

@Prommie:
Isabelle Hupert

and closer to my age,

Emmanuelle Beart.

I’ll admit that when I spent a month in France almost a decade ago, I didn’t see many French women whose eyes could smolder like they could.

As for the original post, well I’ve always liked Helen Mirren.

@ManchuCandidate: They are all in 8 Women. As is Amelie, and that smoking fucking hottie who is all naked all through The Swimming Pool. All in that one movie. It is an education.

@Prommie:
Damn.

@Prommie: Great movie. What’s the one with Fanny Ardant in which she’s naked and walks through a cloud of powder? Ah yes. Ridicule with Thierry L’Hermite as Racine. Hubba hubba.

@Benedick: She is 58, here: http://www.spietati.it/in-primo-piano/Venezia/Venezia-64/foto-live/FannyArdant5.jpg

She is 61, now. I think she looks like Mrs. Prom.

The Deneuve and Ardent scenes from 8 Women, Manchu, if you have not seen, also, look for the very young Amalie woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4hDT7RdJH0

@JNOV: Me too. I was sorry when that series ended.

@Prommie: Where is Juliette Brioche in this pantheon?

@JNOV: We can only hope! Do you want to call her? I am too bashful.

@FlyingChainSaw: Near the top, for sure.