Dick Cheney Dying! Satan Cackles in Delight at Prospect of His Greatest Student Coming to Join Him in Hell!

Dick! Come to be, my Bride! Be my bitch in the pit of hell forever and a day!

Dick! Come to Me, my Bride! Be my bitch in the pit of hell forever and a day! Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha! I've waited an eternity with my cock wrapped in barbed wire, waiting for the moment when it would finally find the asshole of the Most Damned and Evil, waiting for you, my love! Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahaha!

The monster of depthless evil known as Dick Cheney is apparently hanging grimly onto life at a Washington hospital, hoping and praying to his Master in Hell to live to lead America to more wars, devastating bankruptcy and further debauchery of its ideals, and finally deliver her once and for all to his Master.

When the news hit, the neocon crowd swooned, fearing its best candidate for the 2012 White House run was on the ropes. But Stinque correspondents everywhere reported hearing a distinct and bellowing laughter wafting up from deep beneath their feet. Resonant, full and crunching with the crusted mucus of blood and bile and an eternity of hate and rage.

Could it be, the dark one was calling Dick home? Stinque picked up the phone and chased down the story.

Stinque: So, you heard the good news?

Satan: This is an epic event, worthless dog. Show reverence for this man’s achievements, or I’ll lay your soul to waste!

Stinque: Oh, we do appreciate Dick’s contributions.

Satan: There you go, bucko. Hey, hey, fucking Adolf, the fucking poinsettias, they’re too close together.

Stinque: Adolf?

Satan:Hilter, yes, helluva gardener. Not very bright but you don’t want a really smart gardener.

Stinque: I see.

Satan: Yes, Hitler is my gardener. Pol pot is my chef. Idi Amin in my driver. Attila the Hun is my tailor.

Stinque: And Dick?

Satan: Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahahahaha! Dick will be my Bride!

Stinque: Lucky guy.

Satan: The invasion of Iraq! The millions of senseless deaths! The war privateering! The looting of the treasuries! Treasonous betrayal of his own intelligence service! His love of torture and insatiable thirst for suffering. Oh, he makes me weep, as I never could have hoped for a student such as Dick.

Stinque: Has he accepted the ring?

Satan: A long time ago, when he went to work for Nixon.

Stinque: You had a lot of action with that crowd.

Satan: True. Very true but a lot of them were amateurs. Dick was special. Evil for him was exhilarating, erotic. Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahahahaha! Ouch!

Stinque: You okay?

Satan: The depths of insensate hate that Dick could reach, just thinking about it makes me harder and the barbed wire tickler condom I have on for him pinches. Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahahahaha!

Stinque: I thought you said you liked Dick. What’s with the asshole-shredding sex toy?

Satan: Fool. There can only be one king of hate and evil! Every hour in my care, he’ll be reminded of that.

Stinque: It’s true. I do think you’re just misunderstood, Mr. Satan.

Satan: Away with you fool and send my best regards and biggest kisses to my favorite student.

Stinque: I will.

Satan: Tell him to hurry.

FlyingChainSaw
10:18 pm • Monday • February 22, 2010
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15 Comments

SanFranLefty

10:32 pm • Monday • February 22, 2010

Chainsaw, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I love you.

10:38 pm • Monday • February 22, 2010

Oh dear fucking Spaghetti Monster on a stick, this Gawker commenter came up with the best idea ever.

Get high and write Dick Cheney heart trouble haikus.

C’mon, Stinquers! And Manchu, I expect song lyrics…there isn’t any hockey going on tonight.

10:45 pm • Monday • February 22, 2010

@SanFranLefty: My Cheney haiku:

Oh My Fucking Gawd
Do Not Tease; Satan Awaits
His Bitch Dick Cheney

Dodgerblue

11:06 pm • Monday • February 22, 2010

@SanFranLefty: Is he getting free Commie health care? Will they tear out a young boy’s heart and slap it into Dick?

ManchuCandidate

11:30 pm • Monday • February 22, 2010

@SanFranLefty:
I won’t post it on Gawker (I can do Haikus…), but my personal favorite Dick Cheney Song Parody:

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and waste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole two elections and their faith
And I was round when Al Gore
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Scalia
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around Washington
When I saw it was a time for a change
Let Enron brown out California
Tom Daschele screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Wore a pretend generals rank
When Iraqi Freedom raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your Main Stream Media
Fought for two decades
Over stupid labels they made
I shouted out,
Who hiked up oil prices?
When after all
It was just old me
Let me please introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and waste
And I laid traps for ambassadors
Who get leaked before they reached Niger
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
Just as every Dem is a criminal
And all Republicans saints
As war is peace
Just call me Cheney
cause I don’t need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some fresh human blood, and some babies
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or Ill shoot you in your face, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
Tell me baby, whats my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, whats my name
I tell you one time, you’re to blame