Political Pundit of the Decade
You can be forgiven for thinking that the task of choosing a political commenter of the decade would be a difficult one, what with luminaries like William Kristol and Charles Krauthammer continually churning out awesome copy that suffers only from the slight inconvenience of being wrong 98% of the time.
But in fact, Chuck Norris makes it easy to cut through the Gordian knot of worthy commentary and choose a winner. And that’s because no one brings the krayzeee quite like Norris brings the krayzee. Consider, for instance, Norris’ latest contribution to the esteemed conservative journal of laughable opinion, Human Events. It is quite sensibly titled What If Mother Mary Had Obamacare? and makes the perfectly reasonable observation that if Mother Mary had access to affordable health insurance she would surely have used it to abort baby Jesus in a shameful and completely selfish bid to avoid being stoned to death for adultery:
Lastly, as we near the eve of another Christmas, I wonder: What would have happened if Mother Mary had been covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor and uninsured teenage woman had been provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy? Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind if their parents had been as progressive as Washington’s wise men and women! Will Obamacare morph into Herodcare for the unborn?
Now bleeding heart liberals would probably counter that Mary would have been unlikely to abort a child that the Angel of the Lord had already informed her was the Son of God… even if she could do it for free. They might also suggest that if you want to prevent teenage girl from aborting their babies maybe a policy of stoning them to death when they get pregnant isn’t the best way to go about it.
But that’s why liberals are so Goddamned infuriating. They simply fail to note the obvious connection between universal health care and Satan’s plan for world domination.
Anyway, that’s my nomination for commenter of the decade. And I just can’t wait for Norris next column:
(Don’t miss my Christmas column next week, titled “Away With the Manger,” about how the feds are whitewashing America’s Judeo-Christian heritage via a progressive, politically correct and pro-Muslim platform.)
Go Chuck! America needs a political voice who makes Michelle Malkin sound sensible by comparison.
The by product of taking too many (seemingly well deserved) shots to the head. Seriously.
From what I understand, the NFL did a study to “prove” that football wasn’t hazardous to the skull. The study backfired on them as the brain scans of retired football players showed some serious damage to the grey matter. Looked like retired boxers. Or naval aviators (like John McCain) as each carrier landing is a controlled crash which bangs the brain around.
WHAT? Wait. WHAT???? Mary was married to Joseph. Isn’t that the point of the story? Or was he just like her GBF? And who the hell refers to the BVM as ‘Mother Mary’?
How do you propose an amendment to Godwin’s Law? Who do you have to speak to, who votes on it? There must be an amendment which would provide that in any argument or debate on an issue, the first person to say that whatever it is will kill the baby jesus, loses.
@Benedick is Danny Tanner: Paul McCartney?
@Prommie: That should so be a constitutional amendment.
Hey ya’ll see that now Palin has quit her vacation half way through? She’s just a poor victim of the librul media again, there she was innocently vacationin’ and blackin’ out McCain’s name on stuff so’s she could be all incognito and stuff, but then the liberal media went and made stuff up again and she couldn’t be incognito, so she had to cut her vacation short for the benefit of all the other tourists in Hawaii, who were bein’ bothered by the liberal media followin’ her and makin’ stuff up.
…politically correct and pro-Muslim platform.
So that’s why my telescreen instructed me to scream “Allah Akbar” before breakfast.
He left out the part about Mary eating the aborted pheotus and being overwhelmed by satanic urges, offering herself to a camel and gestating and giving birth to Susej, son o’ satan, who would transform the earth into a dystopian hell and rule it forever.
I think Chuck has just won a Stinque Golden Shoe. Do we even need to bother with other nominees in the category?
@Prommie: Sure, that’s Talibunny’s excuse. We all know it was a charming witty librarian with a gorgeous Carolina drawl who scared her away.
@SanFranLefty: hehe. As fashion expert here at Stinque, I presume you are the one to ask, what is the best kind of shoe to throw at the Snowbilly? I figure if you catch her out huntin’ baby seals, the old classic lead-filled snow shoe would be best, but what would go with her standard public appearance red and black nazi garb? Something reminiscent of a nazi jackboot, like those boots Condi used to wear?
@Benedick is Danny Tanner: Nice, thats perfect!
CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. (WTVC-TV) – A 4-year-old boy, beer in hand, is accused of stealing Christmas presents from his neighbors.
April Wright is 21 years old and is going through a divorce with her husband who is in jail. She says she is not sure how her 4-year-old managed to get out of the house, open a beer, and steal the neighbors presents from under their tree.
The child, Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood. In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl’s dress and drinking a beer. The police report says the child had to be taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption.
@Capt Howdy: Future GOP state committee chairman, you mean.
Poor Talibunny! It sure is tough being a lightning rod. No one wants you near them. Apparently the Canadians have reconsidered their April invitation. Peeps were upset that “she was an inappropriate speaker to raise funds for a Canadian hospital” and “not a good fit for Hamilton, a city with five social democrat legislators.”
In a Spectator poll asking if people would buy a ticket to see Palin, more than 4,300 of the almost 5,800 respondents said they would not.
Legal TJ #2:
Obama nominates conservative attorney from Pacific Legal Foundation to the board of Legal Services Corp.
The same PLF, the article notes, that supported litigation challenging the legality of the IOLTA program to fund legal aid.
/TJ over. Stinquey Legal Eagles will talk amongst ourselves.
@SanFranLefty: There was a case here in L.A. a few years ago where the makers of Jordache jeans sued a rival who was marketing “Lardass” jeans. I’m happy to report that “Lardass” prevailed.
@SanFranLefty: I was hoping that your link was really to The Onion. What’s wrong with this guy?
@Capt Howdy: Local morning show was discussing this story today with Alice Cooper. He said that kid is Stewie from Family Guy.
@SanFranLefty: Oh for fuck’s sake. Might as well fucking nominate Phil Gramm too. Fuckers.
@Jamie Sommers: Or Chuck Norris!! Chuck is all about legal services for the poor.
Please could somebody make him put his shirt on? Please? All that greased-up pork-rind skin is harshing my vibe, bra.
@karen marie: And founding venue of the Canadian Brass who, if they encountered the Talibunny, would no doubt serenade her with their rendition of the Coronation Scene from Boris Gudinov and then beat her to death with their trumpets.
TJ/ Just came back from the hospital. Biospy, negative. Looks like surgery early next year to remove the bladder cyst, but at least it’s not cancer.
Now the hard part, breaking this to my parents who take sort of bad news not so well. Imagine Frank and Estelle Costanza as Koreans and you’re about 70% of the way there. Dad gets mad and points fingers (at me) and Mom panics.
@ManchuCandidate: Well, congrats on the negative biopsy, good luck sharing the news with the folks. Are you going to wait until the middle of Christmas dinner to drop the bomb? Perhaps when you’re getting nit-picked about when you’re going to marry a nice Korean girl?
@ManchuCandidate: Great news. Why do you need to tell them? Colleagues have been through arrests, hospitalizations, loss of SOs, forced migrations, physical assault, disemployment, etc without having to discuss the matters with parental figures – and this is just from immediate circles from teenage years. The cyst surgery will take a couple of hours and they’ll likely toss you the next day – or maybe the same day unless they see a need to apply a prophylactic course of intravenous antibiotics.
It’s an Asian thing. I can’t hold many secrets from them for more than six months unless it’s my sister living with a white guy which was okay till my sister threw me under the bus by telling them that I knew about it for two years, or when I dated a stripper for three months (my mom would, well, plotz.)
ETA: fortunately, Canada City hasn’t gone the route of US America HMOs classifying everything as day surgery, From what I’ve been told, it’s two nights in the hospital and 4 days off my feet.
I haven’t decided. As a friend of mine asked me why I would, it’s because I get to choose the battlefield.
Hurrah, Machu! Glad to hear it’s not so bad.
I laughed at the story… then remembered I have a 5 year old myself, then cried when I imagined my baby in the same predicament. What’s wrong with this world?
The story is even more sad:
Says his mother, currently going through a divorce: “He runs away trying to find his father…He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.”
How could a bladder cyst be your fault?
Congrats on the good-ish news, tho.
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches:
You’d be surprised. I’ve been blamed for entropy once. Like I said, my dad gets mad and points fingers.
Well, entropy is your fault. I agree with him there.
@ManchuCandidate: Congratulations. I’m hoping the surgery is laparoscopic and is not routed up your dick.
@ManchuCandidate: Congrats. As for your parents, why not tell them your doctor says it’s genetic and that it’s their fault?
@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches:
Yeah seriously, Manchu’s been trying to pass the buck en entropy for a while now.
@Benedick is Danny Tanner:
Ha. That would set off a Festivus to remember and light off their own insecurities.
Actually, I spoke to my sister. I’m not going to let the cat out of the, er, bag till much later.
It will hopefully be a quiet Xmas. /Crosses fingers/
Thanks all. I was about 70% sure it wasn’t, but I am not a doctor and don’t pretend to be one (unlike more than a few engineers I know) so it was a relief to hear back from the doc about it though.
@SanFranLefty: “No Korean girl will want you now with your damaged peen!”
@ManchuCandidate: Raj’s Indian parents on “Big Bang Theory” are a hoot.
@SanFranLefty: I wanted to post that but there was absolutely no way to get any snark out of that tragic situation. We should deploy Jamie’s Girl Scout brigade to make cookies and decorate their hovel whilst Jamie herself drinks all the available beer so there’s none left for the little dude, or Mom for that matter.
tj/ Four holiday parties this weekend plus quick half-day roadie to the ancestral homeland. I’m tired already. Opportunities to get the range before Monday are dancing away like little fucking sugar plums.
As Benedick once mentioned, I’m thinking about writing a sitcom about dealing with my parents but I think I’ll have to wait a bit. It’s funny when I don’t have to live with them.
@Manchu: yay for negativity!
SANFRANLEFTY • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: Bitch, March Madness is ON! xoxo
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I mooch Disney+ from my sister and HBO Max from my ex. Still need a Hulu hookup though!
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: As a veteran of last year's tournament, you were re-invited with one click, so…
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I'm just late, as ever. The play-in games started Tuesday, but we've got until tomorrow.…
NOJO • Software Update of the Year @bruce.desertrat: I have failed to get any work done since that dropped.
BRUCE.DESERTRAT • Software Update of the Year Disturbing my cow-orkers laughing at this....
NOJO • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @¡Andrew!: I tried RRR a few times at Benedick’s insistence, just couldn’t last. And now…
¡ANDREW! • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I watched the clips on YouTube. Lady Gaga’s performance was extraordinarily honest and…
NOJO • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: Oh gee, that starts tomorrow? Haven’t heard from Mellbell, so guess not.
MANCHUCANDIDATE • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @¡Andrew!: I passed on the Oscars. Enjoyed the movie.