Glenn Beck Has Three-Fifths of a Brain

The remake features Chicken Glenn.Constitutional scholar Glenn Beck is no stranger to channeling the ghosts of the Founders, who were avid retail gold speculators and resorted to crying when debating the finer points of establishing post roads. But today on his radio show, Beck explored a nuance of Foundational gamesmanship that had hitherto escaped us:

Do you know who wanted slaves to be counted as a full person?… Slave owners… The reason why they wanted that is because of the balance of power. The South could control the numbers in Congress. Their representation would go through the roof… That’s why, in the Constitution, African-Americans were deemed three-fifths people, because the Founders wanted to end slavery and they knew if the South could count slaves as full individuals you would never get the control to be able to abolish it.

As we know, the Founders wanted to end slavery so much, they diddled the help and waited until everyone was generations dead before addressing it. And by cleverly granting slaves three-fifths of a vote while denying them the right to vote, they were able to place themselves on the right side of history, whenever history was ready to catch up with them.

Beck Defends Founding Fathers’ Decision To Count African-Americans As Three-Fifths Of A Person [Think Progress]

Does Glenn Beck support the slave trade or is he just an “idiot”? [Media Matters, Sept. 23]

9 comments:

8:23 pm • Tuesday • December 15, 2009

Glen Beck is an Humongous Peen

by Tommmcatt

In winter, oh, the skies are gray,
The sun that rises everyday,
Is wan, and weak, and far away,
From the warmth it radiates in May.

But Glen Beck is an humongous peen,
A dickhead with a nacreous sheen,
And more reliably has been,
Than all the dickheads I have seen.

You cannot count on luck to last,
Or even loved ones holding fast,
For every hope by time is dashed,
And every virtue’s time will pass.

But Glen Beck is an humongous peen,
There, I have said it yet ageen,
For of all the Cock-Boys I have seen,
He most reliably has been.

So let faith die, and true love sour!
Count minutes passing by the hour!
Still, Beck will stay:
Schmuck in full-flower!
Preening in his soundstage bower.

For He is THE humoungus peen ,
His constancy in that pristine,
Though his point of view’s obscene,
And filtered through a lens of spleen,
That thing he is! Has always been-
A giant, slimy, aubergine,
Cancerous, slug-like, fey, unclean,
Constant, for every line and scene,
The very model of the Peen.

____________________________________________

Thank you for your time and attention.

8:48 pm • Tuesday • December 15, 2009

@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: You twisted fuck, you are a fucking GOD!

9:04 pm • Tuesday • December 15, 2009

@FlyingChainSaw:

High praise indeed, from the God of Twistfukitude himself!

9:05 pm • Tuesday • December 15, 2009

This is fucking art: A giant, slimy, aubergine,
Cancerous, slug-like, fey, unclean,

9:44 pm • Tuesday • December 15, 2009

@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Do you hear me stomping my feet, clapping, and whistling for you, dear Tommy?

9:51 pm • Tuesday • December 15, 2009

@SanFranLefty:

In my heart, yes I do dear. Yes I do.

10:42 pm • Tuesday • December 15, 2009

@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Oh Tommmy! Beck is not worthy of your genius.

12:16 am • Wednesday • December 16, 2009

Um, Beck’s reasoning is that if slaves were given the right to vote, they’d vote to maintain slavery? Or is it assumed that the plantation owners would cast their slaves’ votes, by proxy, such as?

Thomas Jefferson would have wanted his slave-spawn to count for four-fifths, I’m sure.

@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: Very well done.

12:20 am • Wednesday • December 16, 2009

Oh, is this just about census statistics, for the apportioning of Congresscritters?

Since we are almost all corporate slaves, we should be counted at 3/5ths. Maybe Congress will then do only 3/5th of the heinous deeds they regularly do.

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