Mark It Zero

I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Is Chris Schenkel still around? No? Then somebody else will have to call the splits next June when Sarah Palin fronts for the Bowling Proprietors’ Association of America in Vegas:

“Sarah Palin is a great friend to the bowling industry and we’re so proud and honored to welcome her as our keynote speaker at International Bowl Expo 2010,” said Steven Johnson, executive director of the BPAA.

“Regardless of your political affiliation, Ms. Palin is a force in American politics and culture. Her presence underscores the impact and importance of bowling, one of our country’s leading national pastimes and a growing $10 billion industry.”

We’re sticking with our suspicion that Talibunny is conducting market research for her Six Flags Over Wasilla theme park. But it could just as easily be argued that she’s taking an early swipe at Barack Obama for his lack of grace on the lanes.

Sarah Palin strikes new ground as keynote speaker at International Bowl Expo 2010 [Bowling Digital]

a perfect end to a very surreal day.

I can see a White Russian from my house!

@Capt Howdy: Problem is, I jinx myself with graphics like this. Now I can’t get Kenny Rogers out of my head.

@nojo: I didn’t know Kenny Rogers sung that song! This website, in addition to being profane and borderline obscene, is also very educational.

@Jamie Sommers: I was going to say Creedence, but luckily I double-checked first.

@nojo: That’s what I always thought. I googled it and am listening to it now. It doesn’t even really sound like him. Although I suppose that’s to be expected since I was first aware of him well after he dun turned country.


@Jamie Sommers: Sarah, don’t take your love to town…

@nojo: @Jamie Sommers: @nojo: The fact that I still don’t know what bloody song you’re talking about reveals either my impressive knowledge of all things Creedence – and on the flip side, utter disdain for all things Kenny Rogers – or my total lack of a clue.

Um, help?

If she really knew how to handle her constituency, she’d show up at neonazi biker rallies in a steel cage, stroking herself and holding out her fingers for $5 sniffs.

@Just Nabisco: As much as I hate explanations…

“Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition, as used during the Big Lebowski fantasy sequence. Elsewhere in the movie, the main character’s love of Creedence is a plot point.

@nojo: But he hates the fuckin’ Eagles, man.

Nabisco: Here’s a link to the video:

@Jamie Sommers: On the other hand, the secret of your exquisite White Russian reference remains safe with me.

Way out west there was this lady I wanna tell ya about. Goes by the name of Sarah Heath (Palin). At least that was the handle her loving parents gave her, but she never had much use for it herself. See, this Palin, she called herself “The Governor” or “VP” or “Queen of US America”. Now, “Quitter” – there’s a name no lady would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Quitter that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where she lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found the place so darned interestin’. See, they call Wasilla the “Alaska City Of Meth”; but I didn’t find it to be that, exactly.

Or so says the Stranger from the Big Lebowski.

@nojo: Thanks for that. I got the Lebowski reference in the header, guess I was fortunate to not make the musical connection. First Edition Schmirst Edition, Kenny Rogers Kenny Loggins (or Kenny Stabler, for that matter), there are some 70s phenoms I just never bought into.

@nojo: That was pure genius.

@Jamie Sommers: How in the world could you guys confuse that with this?

@ManchuCandidate: Drifting along with the tumbling tweedledee.

@Just Nabisco: When it comes down to it, doot-doot-doot is the only Creedence I know off the top of my head — much more I would undoubtedly recognize, but it’s not among the bric-a-brac in the attic.

On the other hand, I’ve alluded to two of your Kennys today. Not sure how I’ll work in a Raiders reference — will you settle for South Park?

@Just Nabisco: Kenny Stabler, the Snake! Live fast, throw deep, die young.

@nojo: Coalition of the Kennys? Don’t forget Poland Kenny G!

@nojo: “Looking out my Back Door?” Thats an acid trip song too. “Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn.” You should look up “Fortunate Son,” its a good song.

I am not fond of caucasions, not my favorite beverage, not the way I roll.

That there picture up there, it looks like a bowling mandelbrot.

Geez nojo, what did Julianne Moore ever do to you to deserve this?

OT(?): The other day Stinquers were tossing around ideas for who to play Sarah in the inevitable biopic. Maybe someone already said this, but…how about Reese Witherspoon?

She did a credible job with June Carter Cash, yes? I think she just might have the perfect combination of Barbie-vapid surface and feisty inner demon.

@Jamie Sommers: You just made me laugh so loud I think I startled the person the next hotel room over from me.
@Pedonator: A little Tracy Flick and a little June Carter Cash. She’d be perfect.

@SanFranLefty: OFSM, I had totally forgotten about Tracy Flick. But YES! Thank you for reminding me.

@SanFranLefty: I hope Reese’s people are on it. If not, she should fire them.

@Pedonator: OTOH, it would be fabulous if John Waters bought the option on Going Rogue. If only Divine were still with us…

@Pedonator: Or we can skip the interim steps and go straight for the movie musical.

@nojo: Well we already know Reese can sing.

I suggest sets by Maurice Sendak the reanimated corpse of Dr. Seuss. It’ll be just like The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T!

@Pedonator: Reese can just recycle Tracy Flick, but make her dumber and add a touch of The Grifters.

@SanFranLefty: …which brings us to the ever-important question of who will play Todd. Somehow I’m not seeing John Cusack in the role.

David Hasselhoff? Could this be his moment to shine?

This is so totally coming together, people! John Waters directs the movie musical The Maverick’s Tail. Starring Reese as Sarah, David H. as Todd (try for Donny Osmond or, hell, Gerard Butler if Dave’s in rehab).

…and I think…yes! Megan Fox as Bristol, every new blockbuster must have Megan Fox. Can we get Penn Badgley to go dirty blond as Levi? (And I mean, as dirty as possible?)

Plus, I guarandamntee you every politico from James Carville to Steve Schmidt will do cameos for scale. We just have to find a small role for Patty Hearst — can she do a credible Katie Couric?

Someone on this blog has connections in Hollywood, I just know it. Could you ask for a better package? Run with it!

@Pedonator: Hasselhoff is having so many problems on set, per Defamer, that he’d be a liability. I was thinking someone younger and skinnier and sort of goofy. Ashton might be too young to play Todd and Pitt is probably too old. But Pitt did a terrific job playing a doof along for the ride in Burn After Reading so he’s my top choice. I think a Coen brothers script (thus tying your TJ back to the original post) would be great.

@SanFranLefty: Coen brothers would be a close second choice to John Waters. Actually it’s a tie.

…Unless we want to do something more Michael Bay with it. For instance, I bet he could put together an excellent montage for the Neiman Marcus shopping spree interlude. And he’d find a way to add the necessary explosions.

As for casting choices, I could go on and on, so I will.

Alternates abound. Miley Cyrus for Bristol. Pierce Brosnan for Todd. Ok, he’s a bit old for that role too, but since you mentioned Ashton (who would also be a good choice), what about Zac Efron? Makeup can do wonders, especially when looking forward and not back.

And there are any number of himbos that could play Levi, who I hope will merit his own leitmotif, if not an aria. Ryan Gosling comes to mind, though maybe he’s too intense and intelligent. A casting coup would be Robert Pattinson. Or James Franco, though his face is too angular, he would need prosthetics.

@SanFranLefty: Since Sarah already did a cameo as one of the whores in Fargo, I think the Coens are off the list.

And really, it has to be John Waters for the pure trashiness of it all. I’m thinking of stuntcasting Phyllis Diller or Cloris Leachman in the lead.

Let’s see, Buscemi as Todd…

Oh, and the suits tell me they won’t greenlight without someone bankable above the line. I have a message in to Jake G’s agent for Levi.

Oh, and we need a list of song titles so Shaiman can get started…

Drill, Baby, Drill (major production number)

On a Clear Day I Can See Russia (Streisand-style showstopper)

Yes, Sir, That’s My Baby (ragtime featuring the Blogger Chorus, solo by Andrew Sullivan)

I Am 16 Going On Motherhood (duet performed on ice at Wasilla Sports Complex)

Strangers in the Night (Sarah meets McCain)

Could the Lords of Misrule please get “I Have Confidence” out of my head? Thank you.

I see everyone really got into the movie last night. Excellent. Now all you need is $40M.

I see our story beginning as the cruise ship Alaska Princess (do we have a title?) docks on the coast of Alaska and Bill Kristol (lyric baritone) steps ashore to sing that perennial musical opening number fave This is a Day Unlike Any Other, This Is My Special Day! a song so infectious it soon has all of the children dancing down the main street of Alaska with him. We cut to the Town Hall where our heroine is discovered cutting Walmart coupons from her favorite newspaper the Alaska Herald Tribune as she sings Little Town Blues when suddenly the trumpeting of a herd of rogue moose is heard. Todd bursts on the scene loading his trusty howitzer in search of the town’s loveable scapegrace with a heart of gold and buns of steel (it’s a dance part. The Hockey Ballet will stop the show cold), Levi. Sarah, in her own inimitably sweet yet gutsy manner (think Debbie Reynolds in The Unspeakable Molly Brown), deplores the way the men-folk always get to avoid doing the dishes by going off to shoot wildlife so she takes herself to the beauty parlor to get her nails wrapped in preparation for her meeting with Dmitri (tenor), the ambassador from Russia who has a secret crush on her, where she confides in her best friend, Arlene, her love for her children Trig, Track, Stunt, Back, and Clambake. Just then…

All right. I have to get to work.

By the way, I don’t have Hollywood connections but I could get us a showcase off-off-off Broadway quicker than you could say Kristin Chenoweth.

I see George Clooney as Todd, and I still say Denise Richards as Caribou Barbie. She’s a big brunette just like Sarah, and again, her sanctimonious christian pageant girl in Drop Dead Gorgeous was perfect.

Charles Krauthammer could play Trig. Or Mini-Me, whats his name?

Charles Krauthammer could play Trig.

wipes coffee from monitor and keyboard.

Wes Anderson directs. This is his kind of family.

@Benedick: …the main street of Alaska… That would be the pipeline, I believe. Which provides plenty of opportunity for phallic symbolism…

Also, must have aria I Read Everything.

@Prommie, @Capt Howdy: Sam Raimi could probably do a respectable job as well, though he hasn’t been tested in the musical arena, that I’m aware of.

@Benedick: I think starting as an off-off-off Broadway musical that quickly becomes a pop culture phenomenon is so the way to go. We gain indie cred, and have big names begging to work for scale in the independent film version. Before you can say “Rocky Horror”, we are packing cinemas with midnight shows filled with audiences dressed as their favorite characters.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love you people? Let’s do lunch.

@Pedonator: Six inches forward and five inches back for that one.

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