Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright

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In wondering what would compel someone as famously nice as Tiger Woods to total his ride in the driveway in the dead of night, we turn to Wayne Brady for an explanation.

Tiger Woods hurt in car accident in front of his Florida home [LAT]

Yep — alcohol, an argument, and Tiger’s decision to get himself some space so he wouldn’t go all Wayne Brady on the Mrs. [Insert golf joke here re “driving”].

Sign I live in a place with overinflated real estate – when I read of Mr. Woods’ home in the exurbs of Orlando, my first thought was “His mansion is only worth $2.4 mil?”

DisneyWorld real estate must be in the toilet.

@SanFranLefty: OMG, me too–I thought it had to be a misprint. No wonder Swedish wife is pissed, if she’s being forced to live in a tacky subdivision where homes go for less than $5 mil. He’s probably cheap with the jewelry, too.

@SanFranLefty: Hmm, the always-sometimes-reliable TMZ. I wonder what grip Elin used on the club when she swung it at his nuts?

@SanFranLefty: I may have to find the Claudine Longet Invitational again if this keeps up.

“Hello, this is OnStar. Your Escalade reports that you hit a fire hydrant, a tree, and a three-iron.”

@nojo: You think maybe Tiger’s crisis management / PR team is billing some hours this holiday weekend?

For serious do NOT fuck with a Swede.

Is Florida a community property state?

@Dodgerblue: I’m sure Nike sent over some of the team they have on retainer to deal with the whole sweatshop/child labor issues.

@SanFranLefty: Does it matter? I’m sure there’s a 5lb. prenup involved.

Hammered on painkillers? Might have developed a taste for them after knee surgery. BTW – anyone else see the woman on the cover of Star or whatever who is allegedly Tiger’s tail? If so, you really gotta question his taste. Skank-eh. Drug use could also impair his judgment.

Eye of the Tiger?

Wife’s upset, grabbin my clubs
Did some flooz, got some action
Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You indulge your passion for strange
Don’t lose your sight on the wife back at home
You must fight just to keep the lawyers at bay

A black eye for the tiger, it’s flight or fight
Fleeing from the challenge of the Swede
And her lawyer stalks his prey in the night
And he’s sizing up the cash of the Tiger

@redmanlaw: She looks pretty attractive in her wedding announcement from 5 years ago. Besides, it’s not about looks when shit like this happens.

@Jamie Sommers: I’d say that she’s not doing herself any favors in future legal action by beating him up. They’re probably not in a mandatory-prosecution of DV county, luckily for her.

@Jamie Sommers: The tabloid picture I saw while standing in the checkout line looked worse.

@Jamie Sommers: Oy. Talk about a bad boob job. Or perhaps bad undergarments. Her right nipple appears to be pointing straight up to the sky.

It’s the Daffy Duck lips. I get annoyed when I see collagen injected lips.

@redmanlaw: Was it this photo?

@ManchuCandidate: The pneumatic lips-and-boobs combo is a look I just don’t understand. It’s so unnatural, does anyone find it attractive?

As a straight male, the answer is NO. The look reminds me of a really bad blow up doll.

I can deal with the pneumatic boobs, (hey I’m weak) but the lips freak me out.

@SanFranLefty: It’s the pneumatic boobs, lips, eye life and hair extensions. Spitzer’s stripper looked classier than this woman.

@Jamie Sommers: Agreed. I don’t see Tiger taking his driver out of the bag for the likes of her.

@Dodgerblue: She’s totally not his type. Miss Sweden was one of many delicate blonds he’s dated.

@Jamie Sommers: This chica reminded me of Spitzer’s hooker, actually.

@SanFranLefty: Chica looks like she has some serious emotional issues in addition to bad plastic surgery. Reading her wedding write-up in the Times made me think, “That which does not kill you can fuck you up for a very long time and you might never get your shit together again.”

Sport TJ: Condi Rice just flipped the coin for the Pope v. Tree game. Bitch didn’t even crack a smile. Princess Sparkle Pony would approve of her outfit – tight Cardinal red sweater and black pants. ESPN didn’t show her shoes, damn them.

@SanFranLefty: you beat me to the Condi post.

TD Tree after a Touchdown Jesus fumble.

SanFranLefty: Speaking of pneumatic bewbies and Tree made me think of the oh-ficial Stinque Mascot, Drue Kataoka. Damn you.

In other news: Domers put the ball on the ground. That’s never a good play. Stanford recovers, and put together a short drive for a touchdown. Pending review of knee being down and gimme PAT… STAN 7:0 ND.

Sloppy play. Weis’ job hanging by a thread.

@chicago bureau and Dodgerblue: And the Pope scores. What’s up with that dude dressed as a Leprechaun doing pushups?

And….CAN.NOT.WAIT. for LSJUMB half-time show. Please let it be something about the priests molesting little kids. For some reason I thought the game was in South Bend, but then I realized there was no way the Band would ever be allowed there again.

@chicago bureau: I was thinking about her for some reason today, realized we never really discussed her when we had the Chicago Stinque-up.

And from the world of politics, Meg Whitman trying to appeal to the ladies with cliched talking points that seem to be more appropriate for the ’70s.

SanFranLefty: She was brought up in passing, I reckon. See: when I get blitzed, I remember minor details notwithstanding the state of being blitzed.

Columbia’s band (like Stanford’s band, only MUCH MUCH WORSE) tried the whole “going down like an altar boy” thing when they played Fordham a long while back. I distinctly remember that it did NOT go over well. Bill Donahue was all over that like white on rice don’t you know.

@chicago bureau: Why do all the Pope players have triangles painted on the black under their eyes? Is this some sort of Opus Dei/Freemason thing going on?

P.S. I just remember the wine-beer-cocktail-wine-saki-beer-wine-cocktails being consumed, dancing with Flippin, and HomoFascist and BeRightBack planting smooches on your cheeks at the Big Chicks dyke bar. And then I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache. Fucking blast.

@SanFranLefty: Ditto in re “fucking blast.”

Back to the game, for comedy. Fourth and 1 for the Domers, and a quarterback sneak gets it. Except Charlie Weis calls timeout just before the snap. And thus it is proven that Charlie Weis just doesn’t give a fuck anymore.

@chicago bureau: Donahue lives for that shit. He’s the Catholic Al Sharpton.

@chicago bureau: I’m also concerned he’s been waiting until he was close to a first-rate world-renowned cardiology department to have his heart attack. Three minutes top to the hospital from the stadium going full speed in an ambulance. (Woe to any drunk Stanford students biking home on Palm Drive from dinner in Shallow Alto).

@Jamie Sommers: If the Stanford band can do something obnoxious enough to distract Donahue from bitching about the LadyBits coverage in the health care reform bill, I will be so happy. I’d be happy even if there wasn’t the LadyBits debate going on. Still.

FUCK! That Catholic douche just taunted the Tree running for the TD. FUCK YOU FIGHTING CHILD MOLESTERS.

@SanFranLefty: Her website is “MEGaWomen”? As Dorothy would say, “Tonstant Weader fwowed up.”

@Mistress Cynica: Makes Carly Fiorina look like a rocket scientist.

Memo to GOP: Carly/Meg/Iquitalot – Elephant Ladiez so do not know how to make it real to Vagina-Americans.


Let me get this straight, I have not been following it too closely, but I have figured out this much; Tiger smashes his car up, in his own driveway, and when the cops arive, they find Tiger lying on the ground, in and out of consciousness, and wife standing over him with a golf club, and she explains she had to smash the windows of the car to extricate him?

Oh boy, this is a good one.

Why is he going along with covering it up? Doesn’t want people to know he is a battered husband?

Two point conversion FTW! Take that Pope!

@Promnight: Because he’s a 6’1″ 220 lb icon of Sport. Doesn’t help his credentials to have a pissed off ice queen/demure looking white woman half his weight claw his face off. Oh, and she said she had to break the back window of the Escalade to drag him out.

If you know anything about cars, and I know you do, it means she allegedly dragged a man twice her weight across three rows of seats and out the window to “revive” him. Hmm. Bish here don’t think so.

I guess Baby Jeebus doesn’t want the Pope to win.

SanFranLefty: Yep. And it’s nice knowing you, Charlie: STAN 45:38 ND.

@nojo: Nojo, you may be able to to remember this, I seem to recall that a comedian, someone prominent, maybe Carson or someone, or maybe it was just a celebrity making a snarky comment, but I do half recall, a scandalous joke once told that got media, in which someone wished evil in someone by wishing that he marries Andy William’s ex-wife? Back in the 70s, early 80s?

@SanFranLefty: Now, I am not gonna get all hyper-testosteroney over SEC football, but you PAC-10ers have to take a deep breath and look at this game, The Pope’s team is nobody this year, they suck balls, they cannot compete with the best in college football this year, not even close. But they come out there and score 7 touchdowns? Thats not good. Air Force beat them, for god’s sake.

Ya’all should watch this Bama-Florida game, just so you can tell your grandkids, you saw Tebow play once.

Um, any time an Escalade is involved I automatically think, trash.

I know this is a classist and possibly racist thing to think, so I will lash myself with a belt five times tonight before I go to sleep.

Anyway, Golf? Really, seriously, GOLF?

@Pedonator: What is classist? I know not this thing you speak of.

@Promnight: classist describes the situation of being of good income, good breeding, or good luck.

2 out of 3 of those puts you in the class in which one can discuss the “working class” as if it couldn’t include yourself.

@Promnight: Don’t recall that at all. In fact, I wonder how we knew anything before the Internet.

@nojo: Indeed, one not need know anything now that we have The Internet to know it for us.

Progress brings such wonderful fruits to those who command it.

@redmanlaw: “We’re also told Woods had said during the conversation Friday he had been taking prescription pain medication for an injury, which could explain why he seemed somewhat out of it at the scene.” tmz.com

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