sir-edward-bulwer-lyttonIt’s Bulwer-Lytton time.  Why do I always first head for “Vile Puns”?

Using her flint knife to gut the two amphibians, Kreega the Neanderthal woman created the first pair of open-toad sandals.

Greg Homer
Placerville, CA

Also excellent:

Their relationship hit a bump in the road, not the low, graceful kind of bump, reminiscent of a child’s choo choo train-themed roller coaster, rather the kind of tall, narrow speed-bump that, if a school bus ran over it, would cause even a fat kid to fly up and bang his head on the ceiling.

Michael Reade
Durham, NC

The Cunard “Carinthia” glided through the starry waters of the Bering Sea, 843 passengers aboard, including Harriet Dobbs, resignedly single for over a decade, while a nautical mile due west slunk the K-18 submarine, under the command of lonely Ukrainian Captain First Rank Nikolai Shevchenko: ships that passed in the night (although the second technically a boat).

Dr. Sarah Cockram
Edinburgh, U.K.

Towards the dragon’s lair the fellowship marched — a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from “Lord of the Rings.”

Andrew Manoske
Foster City, CA


Speaking of literature, is it wrong that I’m reading The Death of Ivan Ilych while the conference call from hell drones on for a couple hours?

@SanFranLefty: I haven’t even started due to work/home improvements.

Tucked in at the end of the Bad Fiction Winners list is this gem:

Perry had come a long way in the nine years since being arrested by a park ranger in his ’81 Firebird tenderly holding a spiral-cut, honey-glazed ham (with the bone removed). — Jesse Kolman, Goodyear, AZ

Just about all of them are very, very funny, and some rise to the level of laugh-out-loud hilarious! Thanks for the link.

When does the GOP start shrieking over the unfairness of having five people vote to decide an election?

@SanFranLefty: Wow, do those guys blog about Rush like that every day? If so, they deserve some kind of purple heart of journalistic distinction. It’s painful enough trying to follow his fantasy logic as it spews from his mouth, let alone trying to parse the day’s transcript.

So, what’s the over/under on Franken cracking wise in the opening line of his acceptance speech?

@Nabisco checks his feet for horseshoes: They do indeed every day but I would imagine they force interns from Northwestern’s journalism program to do the scut work.

I am so excited about Al finally getting to D.C. Cannot wait for some Senate floor debates with the GOPers.

i’ve been on a total news blackout, my next nervous breakdown is #19.
of course, i’m lurking…….FRANKEN!!!!!!! oh yes yes yes!!!!
and loved the red pill, blue pill, NOJO.

@baked: I’m at the coffeehouse and away from the tube, but apparently Coleman has a presser at 4 p.m. ET.

And while the Minnie Supremes ruled unanimously, the game ain’t over yet. Pawlenty still has to sign the election certificate, for one thing. And the Senate has to formally seat him. No cheers until he has his hand on the Al Franken Bible.

can’t we call that a given? buzzkill!!!

@baked: In this race, nothing is given. Coleman knew he lost months ago, but the GOP has been stretching it out to keep the Demrats from that (theoretically) filibuster-smashing Senate seat. No cheers until Al’s sworn in.

@nojo: I would use a Koran, or an eagle feather fan and some corn meal.

nojo: NEWS: Coleman’s presser is up at 4:00pm, but Franken’s set to go at 5:15. Given that timing and apparent coordination, I think that, if it weren’t for venetian blinds, it’s curtains for Coleman.

@chicago bureau: That seems to be the call from the pressbox. Would you like the honor of the post if it happens?

(Bonus points to Norm if he admits to an affair instead.)

i have a fantasy that the book he’s sworn in with is “lying liars and the liars who tell them” ok no cheers….YET. i’m so counting on this!
i NEED it!!!!!!

NOTE: there is a period in which a rehearing can be requested by the Court. Presuming a non-frivolous (HA!) reason exists, then it’s another 90 days in which to seek cert from the Nine Wise Folks. Meaning that this could go on a while, if they really wanted to drag this out (more).

nojo: Funny thing, work. (By all means: go ahead.)

[CB dialing Michelle Bachmann’s private line in House Office Building.]

Michelle: “Hello?”

@nojo: Yes, Coleman will be announcing that he’s been pestorking an Argentinian woman.

redmanlaw: …which is FUBAR on their end. But Star-Tribune reporting that Coleman will “abide by ruling.”

And thus it ends. Praise Jeebus.

UPDATE: Commenters on WaPo, Star-Tribune sites invoking ACORN.

[hysterical laughter, clapping of hands, rocking back and forth &c.]

May St. Kevlar protect Sen. Franken.

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