Free Soda If You Say “Cannibal Anarchy”

Turn left at Bikini Bottom.

Prommie’s joint opens in a week. We forgot to ask whether he permits mustard on his cheeseburgers.


Huzzah! Hey Prommie, will there be a mail-order aspect to this business?

Here it is, the moment I have been waiting for, I have taken a week’s vacation, I can spend the next 10 days devoting everything to my dream, and I am completely floored with the flu.

@Promnight: Zicam is your friend. Get to it!

ADD: Do you have a website for west coast orders? There’s a few computer types around here who you could probably recruit to help you on that.

I’ll show up, but only if I can substitute onion rings for the fries. I have control issues.

Should be down that way in the not too distant future. Will see you are added to Eva’s memory (Eva, the GPS nazi).

@Promnight: Also Sambucol, aka elderberry extract. Helps shorten the duration. The Israeli army apparently did a study.

ADD: Love the logo, btw.

@Promnight: Looks great! Very nice treatment. Brava! See you on the 23rd. Feel better. This is the perfect excuse to drink bourbon.

@LuxMentis: We call ours Shirley.

@LuxMentis: @Benedick: @Dodgerblue: The GPS in our rental car last fall was Gwyneth, a pretentious know-it-all. That snooty tone of voice when she said “recalculating”! Ugh! My favorite so far is Marta, the nonjudgemental and lovely Spanish GPS in my friend’s car in Madrid.

Prommie, get well soon. After a week my flu is finally abating. Fortunately I didn’t get fever or any other symptoms but coughing and lots of snot — so I suspect it may be swine flu, but I’m too irresponsible to have it checked.

And also I’m afraid that the CDC Nazis will demand my socialist slave number and put me in a concentration quarantine camp where I’ll have to say the Pledge of Allegiance, including Under God, five times a day while kneeling facing Mecca.

Does Island Fusion not have a web site yet? When do we get to see a menu?

@Dodgerblue: Ours is some abbreviated version of “no you stupid fucking machine I do NOT want to take that exit!”

I’m a purist; get lost, use maps, ask directions.

@prom: looks great. What day is the opening?

Get well soon and good luck with your joint. Ship Bottom. Nice name. Is that near Davey Jones Locker?

@fupduk: Huh huh, you said bottom.

Prommie, I like the graphic – it is very soothing and tranquil to look at. How’s your outreach to the Jersey/Philly food writers going? Do you want a media strategy consultation from RML and me? I want JNOV and Nabisco to also go and report back on the food.

ADD: Jersey has the most fucked up liquor laws. I assume you’re not going to be able to sell any sort of alcoholic beverages?

@SanFranLefty: Oh, so many questions. I have no website and need one. I have no outreach to food writers, but thats ok, the summer weekly free paper here will give me a full page article just because its a new business opening, and everyone reads it. But yes, indeed, advice on how to try to get media attention and all, that would be greatly appreciated.

I seem to be getting rapidly better. It started with nasty sore throat and some slight stomach problems, sinus headaches, all over soreness, and awful fatigue, I would have thought flu, but no fever at all, and now it has quickly progressed to a streaming kinda cold, lots of mucous everywhere. The worst thing is I cannot taste anything, and I have to start cooking by the end of the week.

Thanks to all for the good wishes, we are trying so hard just to make sure we make a good impression, above all, that the food is good.

I should add that I stopped shaving last Saturday, and I have a good beard going, first time ever, and the vow was, no shaving until we open up and bring in the first $1,000, but if its looking good after another week, I may keep it.

@Promnight: Beards are great but a lot of work with the trimming, etc. If you keep it, invest in a good electric trimmer.

@Benedick: I agree. There’s nothing worse than a ratty, poorly-maintained beard.

@Promnight: Glad to hear you’re feeling better. I guess Mrs. Prom will have to taste things while your tastebuds return. I’m not going to volunteer anyone by name but there are a few website type gurus around here who could probably provide you something quick and dirty – if there’s any write-up about you, you’ll want people to be able to Google you and get a phone number or a menu with your hours. I’ll do some research for you tomorrow re: who to contact beyond your local rag to get some coverage. I won’t be able to do it for you, but I could give you an instruction sheet on how to do it. I’ll ask RML and Mrs. RML review and offer their advice, too.

@Benedick: I am liking it because its less gray than the hair on my head. But more sparse. I am letting ot grow pretty much everywhere until I figure out what shape I want to trim it to, the possibilities are endless, it seems.

To my great surprise, Laura loves it and encourages it.

Now, there is a tattoo shop across the street from my store, hmm.

Damn, I just have to let loose. Its fucking showtime, this is what I truly believe is my god-given talent, and now, crunch time, we have a store, we have the deli cases, a good kitchen, the bread vendor dropped off a bunch of samples, on the bread alone, we will be notable, amazing stuff.

We are going to have all the usual deli stuff, sandwiches, wraps, soups, salads, salad platters.

We are going to have staples, milk, eggs, cheese, butter, OJ, bread.

We are going to have a limited amount of meat and seafood, all prepared in individual portions, I call it “ready to grill,” its summer at the shore, I am going to offer filet mignon, shrimp on skewers, already marinated, stuffed chicken breasts, lobster tails, all sold by individual dinner portions, ready to throw on a barbecue.

We will have fine cheeses and good crackers and chips and tortilla chips fried in the store.

But where my talents are the thing, are in the prepared, store made foods.

There is an emphasis on salads, hot weather food, but substantial enough to be meals. Thai chicken salad, lentil salad, tabbouleh ( and on a platter with feta, olives, tomatoes) a conventional chicken salad to die for, with pineapple and slivered almonds, my mom’s recipe, “Annie’s chicken salad,” a Nicoise platter, there is this asian rice salad, a salad I basically make by cooking Israeli cous cous and using a spicy gazpacho as the sauce.

Prepared, ready to heat dinner dishes, a morrocan inspired braised short rib, combining heat and sweet, with dates and pine nuts and hot peppers, seafood ettouffee, thai curries, a lasagna based on a pumpkin sauce, there are more, we will be offering as specials until we see what people buy.

Dips, pasta sauces, soups. A fresh salsa, corn and black bean salsa, hot crab dip, hummous, baba ghanouch, white bean dip, several toppings for bruschettas, salad dressings, pasta sauces, and all of these, I will be making, until I can teach someone to help with.

What I want to do is make people decide to provision their entire vacation out of my store, no need to go to the grocery store and buy tons of stuff you are going to throw away. No need to cross the bridge to the grocery store for their sad-ass overpriced meats, I will offer prepared, gourmet meals in indivdual servings, no waste, and every meal comes with everything, everything you need. Come to my place and cater your meals for your vacation.

I will offer an hor’s de ouvres plate for two, so you and your SO can have the most wonderful sunset champagne nosh, no effort. Get the Ceasar salad, or the Nicoise, get the filet mignon for the grill, or shrimp skewers, or the short ribs or seafood etouffe, and sides of risotto, or grilled baby bok choy, or these great things I make by griling or sauteeing polenta, or whatall, I will have more, and some pastries, and you have a really great meal, at home, for as much as if you went to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients and made it yourself. You get a private chef for two, you just have to heat it up or grill it.

Its now crunch time, I have been rehearsing for 20 years, making all these things every day, but now I have to make a lot of them, every day, and with consistency, 90% of the recipes still exist only in my head, the first big batch I make will set the recipe.

The curtain is gonna rise in 6 days, and I will be on stage, and I am terrified.

@Promnight: You’ve spent enough time planning – it’s a go. When you sell the business in 2o years for a great deal of money, we’ll do a post. Your passion will make it work, and caring about your customers will seal the deal. No shit.

@Promnight: Dude – Right. Fucking. On.

You can do an FB page for your biz and we can call become fans.

Have the local food writer over for a tasting. After a bit, have the next food writer up the chain over for a tasting.

Remember, it’s all in how you tell the story. It’s not “lawyer opens hobby bistro” – it’s “dude finds his calling.” Livin’ the dream, bro. How many get to do it? I’ll be tipping a big fat Hendrix in your direction after I shower all this outdoor work dirt offa me. Been layin’ stone like I’m Phil Bronstein.

Channel the fear. It’s like trial. Ride the wave. Plant your feet, take a second to take a breath and let the muscles fall into place and knock one out of the park.

Oh, and don’t over share with the writer.

@Promnight: This is gonna be BIG. You are living the dream me and Mr. Pedo have had since we moved to our neighborhood. I just wish Ship Bottom was here.

You should be afraid. That’s a very good thing to be. Caruso, before a performance, used to extend his hand. If it shook he would say, “Good. I have nerves. I will sing well tonight.”

When are you opening? The 22nd?

Hope you’re on the mend.

@Promnight: Rock on. Turn the nervous tension into adrenaline and go for it.

@Benedick: Yes, the 22nd; we will be seasoned veterans running a venerable institution when you stop by on the 23rd.

Yay Prommie!

So, will there be a Tommmcatt salad of some kind? My chance at immortality is dwindling by the day….

@Promnight: When you do media or whatever on the Bikini Bottom Bistro, be sure to talk about the joy you get when someone enjoys your food. Imagine if your food could be part of a great moment in someone’s life. People can go pick up a chicken or a salad anytime, but what if it were for an engagement party, the intimate presentation of a ring, an elderly relative’s birthday?

Make it consistently good and people will talk about when they move or go home if they were visiting. “Remember Cafe Prom? Damn, I could really use some of that ______ about now. Maybe they’ll fed ex it.”

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