Introducing the Stinque Zombie Bible!

Moses Def.
In this first installment of the Illustrated Zombie Bible Classics series, Moses handles two zombies with his staff and his .45 while parting the waters of the Red Sea.

The Bible may be the foundation document of Western Civilization, but it hasn’t been revised in almost two millennia.

Frankly, we’re astonished that anyone can still make sense of it.

Even the majesty and poetry of the King James version sounds archaic to modern ears. Modern translations, on the other hand, just sound lame.

What’s missing? Zombies.

Sure, you can argue that our omniscient Creator saw that one coming — for what is the Resurrection but a Zombie story? What is Revelation but the greatest Zombie movie ever made? How can we even think of the End Times without Zombies?

Well, we can’t. And that’s why we’ve created the Stinque Zombie Bible.

Stinque Zombie BibleWe begin with the full King James text, book by book, chapter by chapter. And we ask you to help us zombify it, Genesis to Revelation, alpha to omega. Start anywhere. Find a chapter or verse that just doesn’t work for you. Add zombies. Voila! The Word made Undead.

And just as the original Bible was compiled from centuries of oral tradition — the first open-source project in history — so the Stinque Zombie Bible is built on a wiki. Does somebody else’s Zombie update not meet your exacting standards? Improve it! We look forward to gory hermeneutic battles in the discussion pages.

Whatever you do, always keep in mind the First Commandment of Zombie Bible composition: If it bleeds, it leads.

Stinque Zombie Bible

Illustration & caption: Illustrated Zombie Bible Classics [Zone 2 Homebrew]


How long before someone accuses us of having no BRAINS???!!!

Well, I’m going to hell. I just spend a good 40 minutes editing Mathew 5 on Easter Sunday.

Awww, man! I don’t know if you guys were around when (like an idiot) I sent my mom a link to the Landover Baptist’s page about Easter Eggs being Satan’s testicles. That did not go well on this Easter Sunday. I have been admonished to “Pick up [my] Bible and get right with God.” Aside: “Get Right With God” is an awesome old timey Gospel song I used to hear in church a lot. So, what am I gonna do? I’m gonna pick up my Bible and get right with God by helping to zombify His word! Werd.

@JNOV: Mom should just accept that you, like the rest of the commenters here, are going to burn in hell.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I spent the day with the kids chasing Satan’s Testicles ™ on the lawn.

@JNOV: Christianity: “The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.” You think maybe sending her this definition would make things better?

Thanks to my dear stepson John for sending this to Becky and me today! It made our day. John, don’t forget to jump into the Zombie Bible!

The biggest problem with christianity is that noone actually believes in it. Someone should try it someday.

The quakers do it OK, so do the Amish, their actions in the aftermath of that horrendous school shooting in which 5 little amish girl were shot in a tiny one room school, the community publicly forgave the killer. And they seemed very sincere.

@Promnight: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy (our) God with all thy heart and with all thy soul , and all thy mind, and all thy might. This is the first and greatest Commandment. And the Second is like unto it: Thou shall love thy neighbor as thyself. Upon these two Commandments hang all the Law and the prophets.” When Ms. L. and Effie were shipped off to Sunday school (being bright young things), they winnowed out the chaff and became PC (Protestantly Correct). Their mistake was to accept the notion that all were part of something everyone believed in. And had those folks taken the trouble to practice these simplified tenets of Christianity, they would have found that even Christian faith is pragmatic and depends upon practice to succeed. Note to self: more emphasis on Day of the Dead masks. Pinatas: draw up design plan

@Nabisco: And I spent mine drinking jello shots out of them.

Now wait, that didn’t come out quite right…

I raise a rusty nail (in both hands!) and salute you on this fine Easter day. I ate too much ham.

@mellbell: Oh darling, I’m so proud.
I ate enough lamb, too much lemon cake, and WAAAAYYY too much wine.

@SanFranLefty: As well you should be. I’m working up a “Top Zombies” page to make it easier to follow edits by “favorite contributors”. Later, of course, I’ll require Deviant Favors for a prime listing.

@nojo: I started playing with the psalms! Some of them just rewrite themselves! Great fun, but I think I’ve got ham poisoning so goodnight and happy Beaster everyone!

@SanFranLefty: Goodness, gracious, this is twisted: Martin Mull meets Vincent Price and crucifies Kafka.

Wow. That was…tragic!

Well, I am pro-Zombie after all.

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