Iowa is Your New Gomorrah
One hundred years from today, somewhere in the heart of Texas, or Alabama or Virginia the satanic priest officiating a ritual orgy will rise from the tangle of arms, legs and exposed pudenda and announce to all gathered: “Hey, did you guys realize that it was 100 years ago today that the institution of marriage was re-defined and Western Civilization began it’s irreversible collapse?” That’s because one hundred years before one hundred years from now is today, and today is the day that the Iowa Supreme court refused to acknowledge the inherent bigotry that informs the nefarious act of treating gay people like everyone else. In so acting, the justices of the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously ruled that: “If straight couples can marry… WTF, why not the gays, too? After all, it’ll only lead to the collapse of Western Civilization.”
Sure other states (and even whole nations) had already ruled the same way, but one such state (Massachusetts) was a well known bastion of immorality and vice, instituting such state-wide blasphemies as universal health coverage and boasting of a divorce rate significantly lower than most of the Bible belt in a wholly transparent and unconvincing attempt to mock the Allmighty.The other state (California) witnessed a revolt by Biblically minded citizens who were incensed at the government’s unwarranted intrusion into their lives. These brave citizens rose up and approved a ballot initiative that protected the institution of marriage by banning some people from marrying. These were good, Christian, defenders of the Constitution who resented the government intruding into their lives and just wanted to be left alone to deny other people the right to marry the person they so selfishly and inconsiderately chose to love.
But Iowa was not like these states. For one thing, it was a part of “Real America,” meaning that part of the country that has never employed the subjunctive in a sentence, loses eight or more teeth by age fifty and names their children after NASCAR drivers and Beanie Babies. For another, Iowa was located square in America’s heartland, not the coasts, and so did not suffer from the mysterious “saltwater vapors” illness that compels coastal residents to savor Chardonnay wines, attend graduate school and tithe to NPR and their local museum instead of the neighborhood church they never bothered to attend.
So today is different, people. Today is the day that the corpse of Western Civilization (and by Western Civilization I mean obscurantist fundamentalism) began to fester and putrify.
I read the decision and ran out and fucked a tree and now I am engaged to a vietnamese dwarf pig that eats bibles slathered in gravy.
I’m leaning towards marrying the Chrysler Building now that the Eiffel Tower is taken.
I’m going to put something up my butt.
Is it 5:00 already? My how the day went by!
Congratulations. When is the baby due?
@blogenfreude: Only the Petronas Towers for me, baby.
Okay, who triggered the Goth Dating ad?
@blogenfreude: Please, it’s the Telegraph.
K. Does anyone know if that centaur guy is taken. And also if anyone has his #? Kthnxbai.
@rptrcub: Which one?
@nojo: I have an ad for AAA car insurance. Go figure.
@SanFranLefty: At least we’re seeing more variety, now that I’ve blocked the Coulter ads. Human Events must be outbidding everyone else at Google.
Chardonnay? Everyone loves oaking that stuff, to get that buttery flavor but I think it just makes them flabby. Un-oaked chard is the way to go, or just grab a gevurztraminer or something.
Or, mmmm, Riesling if you like it sweeter…
@drinkyclown: I prefer a minerally and dry Pinot Gris – Chardonnay more and more tastes like butter sticks, unless it’s unoaked Chard.
@nojo: Why block the Coulter ads? We’re happy to take their money and give no clickthroughs.
@SanFranLefty: Agree. Abajo the encinos in the vino.
@blogenfreude: That’s why Google Ads are a sham — they only pay on clickthroughs. MSNBC, bless their dainty hearts, paid per display.
Not that either’s a cash cow — Google especially I see as additional entertainment, since they try to match ads to context. Coulter-Coulter-Coulter was boring, and SodaHead polls were next on my list.
Thus, the trusty Amazon kickback link. Buy a Kindle!
@SanFranLefty: “Find your Filipina beauty” here, when what I’m really looking for is my inner beauty.
@drinkyclown: @SanFranLefty: It’s mostly, I’m sorry to say, California that is responsible for the super-oaky, buttery chardonnays. France and Orygun produce some very nice un-oaked or not-over-oaked chards. That said, I prefer Sancerres, Pinot Gris, and other drier whites.
@SanFranLefty: Count your blessings. I’m getting the anti-wrinkle treatment ad.
I ALWAYS get the anti-wrinkle ad.
@Mistress Cynica: Oh, it’s totally the fault of California. Ditto the glut of fruit bomb Zinfandels with 17% alcohol appealing to consumers’ sweet tooth (teeth?). And I blame that idiotic movie for the glut of crappy Pinot Noir – most of California is too warm to make Pinot, unless you’re in the foothills of the Sierra or far northern parts of Sonoma County. I actually like well-made Merlots so the positive side effect of that movie is that there’s more Merlot for me. And a few of my favorite wineries in Napa and Sonoma still make Zin the way it’s supposed to be, and not like it’s some sort of alco-pop.
Had some excellent unoaked Chardonnay in Kiwi land. I don’t think they really export them since everyone wants their Sauv Blancs, but they were quite tasty. Australia also has lovely unoaked Chards.
Man, I’m ready for a glass of wine. Just finished doing our taxes, so I doubly deserve it.
It’s not personal. I’m seeing the anti-wrinkle ad, too.
@Nabisco: What if your inner beauty is Filipina?
@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: @ManchuCandidate: So glad to hear that. I’m sitting here thinking, “Man, you buy one issue of More in an airport…”
From Politico: (emphasis mine)
The bankers struggled to make themselves clear to the president of the United States.
Arrayed around a long mahogany table in the White House state dining room last week, the CEOs of the most powerful financial institutions in the world offered several explanations for paying high salaries to their employees — and, by extension, to themselves.
“These are complicated companies,” one CEO said. Offered another: “We’re competing for talent on an international market.”
But President Barack Obama wasn’t in a mood to hear them out. He stopped the conversation and offered a blunt reminder of the public’s reaction to such explanations. “Be careful how you make those statements, gentlemen. The public isn’t buying that.”
“My administration,” the president added, “is the only thing between you and the pitchforks.”
I’ve got the “How I Cured My Stretchmarks” ad. How did they know? Are they spying on me nekkid? Creepy, but in one click, I’ll be cured!
@nojo: I can’t link to FB from Stinque articles anymore — I just get that bogus Digg business.
@JNOV: Sweet JNOV, you appear! We’ve missed you, darling. Hope you’re feeling better. xoxo
@nojo: Yay! But stretchmark ads? :(
@SanFranLefty: Getting there — just upped my antidepressant yesterday, so I should be back to normal by Monday or so. Huhfuckingzah!
@nojo: Haha! Wish I could afford a Kindle. I saw one In Real Life (!) on the train. I was getting off, but I had to see it. I was like, “Is that a Kindle?” And he was like, “Yeah” ::big doofus smile:: And I was like, “How do you like it?” (meanwhile, rude people were pushing me off the train) And he said, with his big doofus smile, “I love it!” I bet you do, Mr. Rich Man with the Big Doofus Smile. I bet you do.
@Mistress Cynica: Montrachet. Treat yourself. I haven’t had it in a while, but I’m thinking this weekend.
pudendum/da — my favorite words. I think I fist came across them in The Liar’s Club.
God, I missed you guys!
@JNOV: Missed you too, darling! Nojo got rid of the Share feature (I guess no one but you used it) and is giving Digg a try.
@FlyingChainSaw: OMFG!! And I didn’t have it together enough to compliment you on your Jesus getting skull fucked animated doo dad. The remnant fundie xtian in me was initially shocked, SHOCKED by such blasphemy. But then I shook it off, and all was well. But for a nanosecond I was like, “I’m going to hell for looking at this.” Way to fuck with the mentally unstable, FCS! Thanks! (Kidding, kiddo. Kidding.)
@Mistress Cynica: Hello, Sweet Darling! :-D
NOJO: DIGG SUCKS ASS!
@blogenfreude: Love Montrachet. Sadly, cheap Italian pinot gris is the only thing I’ll be drinking for a while. Any port in a storm!
Yay! JNOV! Lovelovelovelovelove….
@blogenfreude: rptrcub can take both at once. Haven’t you seen the video?
I am so getting the wrinkle ad. So don’t worry, it happens to even the most youthful looking of us!
We spotted the ocean
At the head of the trail
Where are we going
So far away
And somebody told us
This is the place
Where everything’s better
Keep your new name FOREVAH!
@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: And on yeah, happy love. Love, love, happy. Repeat as necessary.
Oh, wow! I can get rid of my stretchmarks for under six bucks! ::quickly checks checking balance::
@homofascist: Happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy! Can you do the Ren and Stimpy dance?
What is this? People. (hi jnov) We go from the earthshattering same-gender (as per pissy queen at americablog) wedding news in Iowa (fer chrissakes) to nasty cali fruit juice laughingly yclept wine?
Wine comes from France, people. Or Italy. Or Greece. Or Spain.
I can only imagine in 20 yrs or so how Thad and Clint will get married on Long Island at the Renaissance Splendor Wedding Spa and Divorce Palace on Sunset Blvd, Syosset, with the families and presents and dreadful tuxedoes and… do we want this? Homos of mine. Do we want to become respectable? Perhaps we do better on the outside.
Rebels. Studs. Outsiders.
K. I have to go to the bathroom…
Hehe, you said “Yclept”.
@Mistress Cynica: Try AntiNori. Cheaper by the case.
@Benedick: Hi, Benedick! My reeeedickulously wealthy friend said wine only comes from Italy, but she wasn’t above drinking a Little Mickey’s Big Mouth on occasion.
And YAY FOR IOWA! I’ve been to Storm Lake, Iowa, and I told my BF to make sure his friends and family knew before I arrived that I’m black cuz I didn’t want there to be any misunderstandings. But there were. Like: Where’d you get the Italian chick? And (shortly after the Rodney King LA riots): How ’bout those coons down in LA? Coons? What? Did I end up in the Way Back Machine and go to the ’40s or something? Jesus. But Storm Lake was a beautiful small town. I was there for the 4th of July, and it was the first time I saw Shriners in those dumbass fezs shoving their fat asses in tiny fire trucks and other miniature vehicles driving all drunk and crazy down the street.
Fun Gay Iowa Fact: OK state Rep Sally Kern (she of the “homoseckshuls are the number one terrist threat!” infamy) has a gay son living in Des Moines who is now free to marry!! Must go e-mail her some suggestions for appropriate Mother-of-the-Bride gowns.
@JNOV: Darling. Speechless. It’s all so beautiful except for the people. We must make our own private Idaho. Wait. Is that different?
@Mistress Cynica: “Must go e-mail her some suggestions for appropriate Mother-of-the-Bride gowns.” Must step away from keyboard. Must not type on keyboard.
@blogenfreude: I’ll look for it. Thanks!
One of the many surprising parts of the Iowa opinion is the last line: “all justices concur.”
@Benedick: Whenever I think about My Own Private Idaho, I feel slightly weepy. Maybe it’s because I had much love for River Phoenix, and maybe because it is a touching movie. Maybe the title is just poetic. I don’t know. Movies don’t usually get to me. Except for Grizzly Man!!!!
But, yeah, I wasn’t too upset by the Iowans — they were lovely in general, and those of you who know me on FB know that I’m not that brown of a berry. But I was the brownest one in Storm Lake that year. I miss my exBF, though. He was a hopeless alcoholic, but at least he was a happy drunk. He’s the one that got away.
So do you think this decision will factor into the decision process here in Cali?
@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: Only in a loose sense. The Iowa court said that a state statute defining marriage violates the state constitution. Our court in Cal already did that; Prop 8 was the result of that decision. But Prop 8 didn’t add a new statute to the books — rather, it amended the state constitution to define “marriage” in the same way as the Cal statute. This presents a tough problem for our court because it’s hard to say that something that is in the state constitution violates that same constitution.
@Dodgerblue: Huzzah! It’s like Brown being unanimous! Strong fucking message. And I read somewhere that the Iowa legislature has no plans to challenge the ruling through an amendment or what have you! C’est fini!
@Dodgerblue: Yeah, the closing line was great, but I got chills with the beginning of the opinion that Chicago Bureau excerpted for us.
@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: I’ve been thinking about that a lot today. Technically it shouldn’t, because it’s based on the Iowa equal protection clause which is similar but not identical. OTOH, it could potentially give a wavering justice courage to point to it and say “Look, even Iowa did it.” At the end of the day, though, the latest round in our supreme court isn’t about gay marriage per se, but is about whether voters at the ballot box taking away the right to marry is a fundamental alteration to the state constitution. One takeaway I had from the Iowa decision is how hard it is to amend the state constitution there (2/3 majority at the Legislature, two sessions in a row, before it goes to the voters) compared to here. Makes me realize (yet again) how much I hate the initiative process in California.
OK. Though I am, as paraded shamelessly here, married, I just have this to say: you can all go fuque yourselves. I will not be a deposition. I prefer being on outside. Were I to do it over again I would not give in to OH’s importuning and flattery. I would be free, proud and queer. If god meant us to be respectable he would have made us Republicans. Oh wait…
I will not relinquish my outsiderdom. Not even for a mess of pottage. (prommie, you know that recipe? that is the most delicious dish ever cooked anywhere anytime) I am so over this marriage bullshit.
It is a mere diversion from the coming reckoning. We are the canaries. What comes next?
@Benedick: I’m with you sister! Mostly because I ain’t ever gonna get a ring, but still. I feel you.
@Benedick: @homofascist: But it’s all about choice, darlings. There’s no rational reason to deny you the rights and benefits that come along with the piece of paper from City Hall.
@SanFranLefty: Oh hon, you know I agree with you. I just like picture Benedick as a hot leather daddy/ genderfuck queer/sister outsider.
I tried that argument with Mr. ‘Catt once, but he still wouldn’t do the threesome.
@SanFranLefty: Yes and you choose to GIVE us the rights. Well… (you know what’s coming and you know I mean it in the nicest possible way) fuck you!
If I don’t get a rebate I don’t care.
@homofascist: I bet Benedick can bring the hot leather daddy with little effort. He’s quite attractive.
I’m thinking of moving to Iowa. If Mr. Pedo and I get married, it could be legit until 2012! We were too lazy to make it happen during California’s Summer of Love, but now we have three more years to procrastinate!
@Benedick: I’m getting all hot and bothered picturing you in your chaps and top’s harness whilst splitting the bulbs for spring’s budding.
@homofascist: genderfuck queer
Geez, would you people slow down with all the goddam variations? It’s starting to sound like a MLA conference.
¡ANDREW! • Stock Up, Everyone! Trump Executed https://www.theonion.com/trump-executed-1850257714
NOJO • Stock Up, Everyone! The Law & Order party really has a problem with justice when it affects them.
MANCHUCANDIDATE • Stock Up, Everyone! The first stone in a big legal avalanche for Orange Shithead.
¡ANDREW! • Stock Up, Everyone! Now we just need Roodles Ghoulliani to plead the case down to first degree murder with summary…
¡ANDREW! • Stock Up, Everyone! @nojo: DeathSentence is a disgusting coward, a bully, and a wannabe Pussolini. I read on the…
NOJO • Stock Up, Everyone! DeSantis, refusing to extradite: “The Soros-backed Manhattan District Attorney…” When…
¡ANDREW! • Stock Up, Everyone! “What about all the politicians that were indicted before they became president??? Checkmate,…
NOJO • Stock Up, Everyone! Fuck Around, Find Out
¡ANDREW! • Stock Up, Everyone! Gosh, sure would be a shame is there’s an overnight MAGAtown mass suicide.
¡ANDREW! • Stock Up, Everyone! Happy Indictmass!!! FSM bless us, every one : )