After Effects

  • Where's the Region 1 DVD, dammit?!Birds overhead no longer fall from sky.
  • Amelia Earhart found.
  • Black hole removed from Naval Observatory’s view.
  • Colin Powell’s balls discovered in atomic-clock case.
  • Deer sacrifices decline.
  • Flowers cease wilting upon bloom.
  • Dementors return to Azkaban.
  • TV no longer speaks in tongues.
  • Flying monkeys grounded.
  • Ewoks gather to dance and sing in celebration, only to be obliterated by the Death Star, because we still can’t fucking stand them.
Fuzz dissipates as Dick Cheney quits official residence [Sydney Morning Herald, via CheapBoy]

Stench permeating Embassy Row and Wisconsin Avenue has abated.

Mothers no longer fear the words “To Serve Babies.”

Speaking of birds falling from the skies, apparently the federal government is using some kind of mysterious poison to kill starlings by the thousands, and when they do this, the birds do literally fall from the sky and litter people’s yards. It happened in a town nearby last week, and the amazing thing is that the authorities are very secretive about it, apparently fearing PETA and other such loonies, so here were people with hundreds of dead birds in their yards, and the newspapers reporting that the town had no idea what had happened, until they talk to the police chief, who says that someone from the Department of Agriculture tipped him off quietly a week before, that in case people start reporting dead birds falling from the skies, not to worry, its just the government poisoning them.


Last year in my town, the federal government did a roundup of the Canada geese in one of our parks, and literally herded them into some kind of “death van” for gassing. Again, complete secrecy, the first we heard were newspaper reports from witnesses who saw the creepy scene, followed only days later by quiet confirmation from some obscure public official that the federal government had indeed rounded up some 400 geese and yes, killed them by gassing them.

Who knew, we have secret mobile goose gas chambers?

@Promnight: We get calls where I work from the tinfoil-hat crowd about “chemtrails,” allegedly a plot by the government to poison us by putting toxic chemicals into jet fuel so that they will be emitted in the innocuous-looking contrails, drift down, and kill us.

@Dodgerblue: What, more toxic than, say, jet fuel?

@IanJ: Yes. Whatever it is makes us so stupid that we’ll pay $10 for a lousy beer at Dodger Stadium.

@Promnight: Keep the neighborhood kittehs away from the poisoned starlings.

@Dodgerblue: Balderdash and poppycock, I say. They are mind control drugs. And the reverse vampires, working in tandem with the saucer people, are in on it.

@Dodgerblue: Get a hip flask loaded with Turkey or your spirit of choice.

People. The chemtrails are a well-documented CIA operation designed to flush out those among the unsuspecting population who have special talents for remote viewing.

The jet fuel is laced with a genetically engineered hormone that causes otherwise harmless suburban dullards to suddenly start competing in poetry slams, take up base-jumping, develop an interest in archery, etc.

Agents identify these standouts and arrange for their rendition to secret black sites where they are kept floating, imprisoned in vats of saline solution with wires attached to their genitalia and constantly fed psychotropic drugs in order to refine their psychic powers.

I thought everyone knew about this already, no?

It’s so well known that it is no longer used as a question on Jeopardy.

@Pedonator: I thought everyone knew about this already, no?

@Pedonator: Have you read, are you aware of, the book “The People Who Stare at Goats?” You would love it.

@Promnight: Definitely. It’s my substitute Bible. They’re even making a documentary film about it!

Add a Comment
Please log in to post a comment