Six Random Things

Most of the shit that pisses me off has to do with politics.  But don’t think for a minute that some nonpolitical happenings don’t drive me batshit.  So I give you six random things that are pissing me off, and ask you to add your own nonpolitical psychotic hatreds in the comments.

angelina-jolie-pregnant-pictures1. Angelina Jolie’s uterus – it seems as though Brangelina might be pregnant again – her seventh child (3 are adopted), and her fourth with Brad Pitt.  That total does not include the sixty or so third-world children they will likely adopt in the next eighteen months.  Enough already.  You are annoying people, and your children are likely to spend most of their time on this earth in rehab.  Stop reproducing.

untitled22. Victoria Osteen – a multimillionaire snake handler, she tells people affected by the economy that she thinks “we could all do better sometimes … not overextending ourselves.” First, this ignorant bitch needs to STFU.  Second, she needs to investigate the rumors that her  poofy-haired preacher husband is pestorking poolboys in the poolhouse.  Just sayin’.

alg_favre-sacked3. Brett Favre – yes I wanted you to come here, yes I wanted you to start every game, and yes, I would be OK with it if you stayed.  BUT MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! NOW! If you decide to go, we’ve got some scouting to do.  Fuckwit drama queen.

strike2 4. The Red State Strike Force – Another group of Keyboard Kommandos (aka the 101st Chairborne) that prefers to wage the War of Ideas over here rather than risk getting hurt doing the actual work of Empire over there.  You can read more about them here, and you can see a more appropriate logo for the group here. And yes – I know it’s more or less political, but they really piss me off.

563830235. Hugh Hefner – I am eternally grateful to you for thinking up Playboy – it helped get me through puberty.  But dude – you’re 82.  I mean, 19 year-old twins?  Most guys half your age would have trouble keeping up with that.  And it’s just skeevy.  Can’t you settle down with some hottie in her 30s and get off the stage?

2008-lincoln-navigator6. Ford Expedition/Lincoln Navigator – face it Ford, anybody who needs a vehicle of this size and class buys a Suburban.  These fucking things are ugly, they get abysmal mileage, and you never see them shuttling big shots around. They sent an Expedition for me once instead of a Town Car, and it was uncomfortable and seemed, from the back seat, to handle like a fishing trawler. Make some Fusion Hybrids instead – people will buy that shit. 


Still haven’t gotten over the Giants loss, huh?

Too early to bitch about 24 — that usually happens by the seventh or eighth episode.

@homofascist: Who are these “Giants” of whom you speak?

Hey, don’t pick on Hef. I doubt he’s really up in that anyways.

@blogenfreude: Wait a minute, you get Town Cars sent for you? And here I thought FCS was our incognito international spy…

I can’t be too censorious over Brangelina. It/they mean well. And that counts for something, doesn’t it? And she does seem to love kids. And he is Brad Pitt, for chrissakes (LKF: he has a house in Woodstock though I don’t know if he ever goes there. If you want I can take you there on a drive-by. Not that I ever drive slowly by it trying to peer over the gate in a stalkerish manner to see if anyone’s in the pool because that is not like me).

However, Mrs Osteen, bring on teh bitchez. And I’m utterly thrilled (Limey for ‘quite pleased’) to see my own baseless rumor cited as a source. I feel like Bill Kristol, only poorer.

Sport, yeah, whatever.

But the Strike Force is hilarious.

And by the way, on the topic of citizen activism, was in the library yesterday: hid another of Coulter’s rants. Ulster County is safe.

@flippin eck: Depends on the job. On this one they pay for a taxi home, on others they give you their car service account number, and on others you walk to the subway and pay your own way. Wev – it’s a job.
@Tommmcatt Yet Again: If that’s laying in your bed and you’re not up in it (and you’re straight) someone should call the embalmer. I think Hef needs a new rule – if he’s going to have girlfriends in groups of three, their ages have to total or exceed his age. Think about that.

Hey, howsabout Olsteen goes with Hef, Favre leads the Red Staters Over There, and Brangelina can take over the Jets? They’re breeding a new 4-3 formation as we speak.

@blogenfreude: Hmm. 29 year old twin Thai hookers? Methinks the working career of a Thai hooker is probably not that long.

@Benedick: “It”, as you call it, is smug. There is no road back from smug.

Wait, Brangelina are adopting Thai hookers?

@nojo: No, following Blogenfreude’s post re total age of girlfriends, I divided my age in half and took it from there. Results were discouraging.

I laughed a lot at Trike Force.

That’s soooooo dorky, sooooooo Red State.

@ManchuCandidate: I’m trying to read the story, but I’m distracted by all the PJTV ads. Especially the Onion-ready “Joe the Plumber covering the Gaza Conflict from Israel for Pajamas TV”.

Oh, and they’re calling it Battlefield Gaza. Damn Scientologists, they screw up everything.

Who’s the Psychlos?

I am forever diminished because I read the book on a 19 hour plane flight to Seoul when I was 15.

I am ok with Angelina’s – and most people’s – uterus. It’s her fucking Christ-complex that I can’t stand. Anybody else read that WaPo op-ed piece “Staying to Help Iraq” that she wrote? She didn’t want to support Obama, it seemed, because she wasn’t sure if he would “squander the progress that has been made.”

Well…here’s to hoping the US military occupies a country in the middle east until Maddox is old enough to enlist, and every Iraqi refugee gets the “chance” to return home (but continues to rationally decide it is not in their best interest to do so.)

Hi! I’m too medicated to be pissed right now. I’m just glad to be on Day Two free of the Screaming Fantods. Missed you guys. Got all your FB notes and emails. Thank you. Love you. Need you.

My New Year’s resolution was to be less of a Bitter (who, me? Tee hee hee).

So I’m (desperately) trying not to get too pissy about things that are out of my direct control.

(ex. Let us NEVER mention the ’09 Golden Globes fashions again, lest my eyes pop out of their sockets.)

1. Thank you! I’m so sick of this woman, I’ve actually uttered the phrase “Team Aniston” and I don’t even give a shit about Rachel Green.

2. True story. My mom used to work for a lawyer in Houston who had an elderly black woman as a client who got suckered into changing her will to leave all her assets to Osteen’s father – the dude he inherited the cult, basketball stadium, church from. She was a lovely woman who used to bake me the most delicious sweet potato pies. Those asswipes took advantage of her and they can go straight to Hell.

3. Never trust a white boy from Mississippi.

4. I don’t know who these people are and I’m trying hard to avoid a migraine today so I’m gonna skip this one for now.

5. *shudder* Gross.

6. I’ve driven one of these. They handle worse than you think.

Her busy tweety and oven are inspirational but dragging all those kids around all over the place, I dunno. The ones that were adopted probably want some kind of solid routine. I mean, are they home for a long enough stretch for the kids to belong to the band at school or the local kiddie soccer league or just to make friends and throw snowballs at buses and kid stuff like that?

@Jamie Sommers: I drove one 10 years ago, so I’m not qualified to comment on the handling of the current model. The one I drove felt so high – like it was going to fall off the edge of the road. The helm felt like the tiller of a small boat I used to sail. I hope they’ve at least tightened up the steering.

@JNOV: Hey, JNOV! Missed you.

@blogenfreude: You say smug like it’s a bad thing. That and effete’s about all I got.

Welcome back.

To Prommie, Mellbell, et al.
My dithering about going to the inauguration has put me in a big dumb pickle as something else popped up. It seems now I’m screwed and can’t go. Dang.

Thanks for offering. I wish I could enjoy Prommie’s cooking rather than drooling on my keyboard reading Food Porn.

@JNOV: So glad to see you, darlin.

In re: Brangelina. According to Us Weekly, my go-to source for all things celebrity, those children are living terrors. They’re starting to remind of the Duggans in Arkansas with their 18 kids.

ADD: My Barack riding the Unicorn t-shirt arrived today in the mail!!

SOOO happy to see you jnov. love you. feel good.

the duggers! my fave show to hate. jinger and jimmy and jed and jeremiah. brangelina are psychiatrically speaking, “hoarders” you know, like the crazy people with 42 cats or mia farrow?

@baked: Ah yes, Mia Farrow. See that’s another reason to hate St. Angie. Her rainbow family shtick has been done before and better. At least Mia hooked up with talented guys to help her create her very own model UN.

Gawd, now I’m shuddering at the thought of the girl pictured above (what is her name? Sonora? Sahara?) running off with Pitt or Billy Bob or something. Ew. ‘Scuse me while I go bleach my brain.

@Jamie Sommers: Zahara. All the kids will be in therapy in ten years.

@SanFranLefty: Did you see the Lisa Bonet baby name?

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

I predict he’ll be tried as an adult.

@JNOV: JNOV OMG YAY I’m glad you’re back!

@JNOV: JNOV! Yay indeed, so glad you are back, we need you, something special was missing, palpably missing.

@Jamie Sommers: Did you ever get to see the doc about your daily migraines? Hope you’re feeling better.

@blogenfreude: WTF? That’s not a kid’s name, that’s a waterfall in Hawai’i. Aren’t Lisa’s twins with Lenny Kravitz in their 20s now? It was 20 years ago she got pregnant and kicked off The Cosby Show.

Lenny Kravitz annoys me. Dude, the 60s are over. Let Love Rule. Yes, thank you. I heard it when John Lennon said it. He was bad enough, when it comes to delivering the simplest concepts in doggerel poetry and a dirge-like, nursery rhyme musical scheme.

@Promnight: Brudda, did you just dis John Lennon? Because I knew John Lennon, John Lennon was my Walrus, and Lenny Kravitz, sir, was no John Lennon.

@nabisco: Yes, and that is the most important point, Lenny Kravitz is no John Lennon.

But you raise another deep and important issue: John vs. Paul. My own opinion is that what the Beatles were was the most amazing melding of two very different geniuses, the amazing musicality of Paul, the owner of the most beautiful and talented voice ever in Rock and Roll, and the edge and the spirituality and the darkness of John. And the complexities of their relationship, their obvious rivalry and jealousies, (and its John who seemed to have the more fragile ego), drove them both to their greatest works. They hated Paul for his perfectionism and drive, when they were experimenting perhaps too heavily with drugs, its a tragedy John was assasinated by a Bush Family friend, no less. God knows what they could have done when their differences resolved.

I have seen Paul live, and knew beyond a doubt I was in the presence of the greatest talent I have ever experienced in person. I will never have that opportunity with John.

@JNOV: So good to see you back! Hugs!!
@Jamie Sommers: Josephine Baker did it before any of these wannabes, and I believe coined the term “rainbow tribe.”
I drove one of those POS Navigators once, in 2007. It was our first trip to Oregon, and the only thing Hertz at the Eugene airport had was not the Toyota I’d reserved but that fucking behemoth. I was mortified having to maneuver the Love Boat up windy roads, and worst of all, among disdainful Priuses in PDX. I made Hertz give me a huge discount to cover the gas. I don’t think it got even 20 MPG.

@Mistress Cynica: A friend of mine once taught me a neat trick. I walked up, without a reservation, and asked for a compact. They said they were all out, only big cars. My friend dragged me away, and said, lets do this, we called the Hertz national 800 number, and reserved a compact for that day, at that airport, and got a confirmation. 5 minutes later, walked back to the same clerk, and said “I have a confirmed reservation for the compact.” They had to give me the big one for the same price. They were pissed.

@nabisco: @Promnight: I call shenanigans. The Beatles were a cartoon show, a lunchpail, and an SNL running gag. Surely you meant to debate Roger Waters v. David Gilmour (v. Sid Barrett, if you wanna get picky).

Oh, and Daltrey should never have picked up a guitar.

@Promnight: Oh, the discount was on top of the same-rate-as-the-Toyota. Still didn’t make up for the humiliation in oh-so-green Eugene and PDX. First words out of my mouth were always “the rental place didn’t have anything else.”

@Mistress Cynica: Sucks to have to apologize for unintentional conspicuous consumption.

Hey, I own a yacht. Not much of a yacht, but still. No apologies, come join me, and we will have martinis and jumbo lump crab cocktail on my yacht. Sorry, they were out of sailboats when I was at the yacht store.

@Mistress Cynica: First words out of my mouth were…

“You call this an airport?”

@Jamie Sommers: Mia Farrow is a fantastic and original woman. I only know her slightly but I worshiped her mother, Maureen O’Sullivan, with whom I once worked.

@Benedick: Mia Farrow is a fantastic and original woman.

Sinatra’s holding a gun to your head?

@SanFranLefty: I talked to him on the phone last week and he gave me a new script to try temporarily. So far, so good on that front, but work has been slow so who knows? I’m seeing him tomorrow morning to work out the next plan of attack. Wish me luck.

@blogenfreude: At this point, I’m waiting for one of these idiots to just go all out and name their kid Jesus Christ. That’s really the only name that could elicit a greater reaction that the obligatory rolling of eyes.

@Benedick: If only Frank had been alive to de-ball Woody after l’affaire Previn broke ….

Welcome back, JNOV! Much love from the desert….

@Jamie Sommers: “At this point, I’m waiting for one of these idiots to just go all out and name their kid Jesus Christ. “

You didn’t hear about little Hay-Seuss Kris-to, the soon to be adopted 3 year old from the Guatemalan orphanage?

Buena suerte con el doctor. You don’t want work to be toooooo slow. It’s a fine balance.

JNOV – leave that long again and we’re microchipping you at the vet’s so we can always find you.

Glad you’re back.



@nojo: No snark about Ms. Farrow. She really is a smashing woman. Also a very good actress. I never got the Woody Allen thing but whatevs.

@Benedick: yes, the Woody thing is the only shadow on her, what was that all about? Insecure psuedo-intellectuals are the only thing on earth more annoying than overconfident psuedo-intellectuals. I prefer active to passive aggression.

@Prommie: She’s not like that. She’s actually very down-to-earth, loved to eat and is a lot of fun. She became a national star at what, 19? That can be unsettling to the best of us. As I say, I don’t know her well, but what little I know was lovely. And her mother was divine.

@Benedick: I was referring to Woody, not Mia, sorry. He certainly acted the cad, tried to protray Mia as a full-on loon, during le affaire Sun-Yi. Miserable bastard, leaves her for her daughter, shrugs “the heart wants what it wants,” and then slags off on her for having the temerity to somewhat resent his psychotic and criminal behavior.

Men who like little girls, I despise them, really, utterly, despise them. So weak, so very weak, to desire a lesser, weaker, less informed, meek creature for a lover. And Sun-Yi is, well, rumoured to be, well, to be delicate, not all that, intellectually. This way he can just lecture her about Kierkegarde and never get a disagreement, she’ll just incomprehendingly worship him. Yay, Woody.

I think I am going to go to that place where he plays saxaphone and throw a drink on him.

@Prommie: oh i wish i had you with me yesterday over on jezebel’s Roman Polanski thread. The retards and their “shades of gray” arguments were making me furious. There is no shade of gray in fucking a child up the ass.

@nojo: figures.

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