One was celebrated by generations of Americans. The other was a clown.

Former Republican N.C. Sen. Jesse Helms dies at 86 [AP]

Larry Harmon, 83; Actor Made Bozo the Clown a Household Name [WaPo]

John Adams on Thomas Jefferson:
“[He has] a mind, soured, yet seeking for popularity, and eaten to a honeycomb with ambition, yet weak, confused, uninformed, and ignorant.”

Thomas Jefferson on John Adams:
“[He is] distrustful, obstinate, excessively vain, and takes no counsel from anyone.”

Alexander Hamilton on Thomas Jefferson:
“A man of profound ambition and violent passions… the intriguing incendiary, the aspiring turbulent competitor… prone to projects which are incompatible with the principles of stable and systematic government.”

John Adams on Alexander Hamilton:
“[Consider] the profligacy of his life; his fornications, adulteries and his incests.”

Alexander Hamilton on John Adams:
“disgusting egotism… distempered jealousy… ungovernable indiscretion… vanity without bounds.”

Thomas Jefferson on Alexander Hamilton:
“I will not suffer my retirement to be clouded by the slanders of a man whose history, from the moment at which history can stoop to notice him, is a tissue of machinations against the liberty of the country which not only has received and given him bread, but heaped its honors on his head.”

John Adams on Benjamin Franklin:
“His whole life has been one continued insult to good manners and to decency… From five complete years of experience of Dr. Franklin… I can have no dependence on his word… I wish with all my soul he was out of public service.”

Benjamin Franklin on bloggers:
“I think all the heretics I have known have been virtuous men.”

Brotherly Love among the Founding Fathers [American Heritage]

Blah blah blah Geezer chooses new campaign chief blah blah blah — what’s this?

[Steve] Schmidt is a veteran of President Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign and he worked closely with Karl Rove…

Mr. Schmidt’s elevation is the latest sign of increasing influence of veterans of Mr. Rove’s campaign efforts in the McCain operation… Greg Jenkins, another veteran of Mr. Rove’s operation, has joined the McCain communications operation. Mr. Jenkins is a former Fox News producer…

Normally we ignore inside baseball as even more boring than real baseball, but what with the recent talk of sellouts, we thought it instructive to show how real men cash in. These are the folks who perfected push-polling against McCain, who ran the black-baby line against him, who insinuated he was a mentally unstable Manchurian Candidate after his POW years. And now they’re running his show.

We can’t deny the smears: McCain is indeed suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. But his captors aren’t the Viet Cong.

McCain Orders Shake-Up of His Campaign [NYT]

John McCain 2000: The Swiftboaters’ First Mission [HuffPo, 2006]

There’s been some rumbling among the cadres that our Unicorn is turning into a Pinhead, and while we tend to be lenient about electoral politics, we’re not immune to deal-breakers. We don’t mind the “flip-flops” we’ve seen in the major media — campaign funding? really? — but the Stinque proles insist that we pay attention to substantive issues. Freaks.

So, let’s have a look.

OMG! Fundies!

You would think the Stupid Fucking Office of Fucking Jesus would be one of the first atrocities to be dispatched under a Unicorn Administration. And you would be wrong. No, he wants to expand it, going all Liberation Theology with social programs and stuff. Of course, any programs would be Closely Monitored for proselytizing. And of course, any money received for Good Works frees up money for Black Ops. Look for some fun scandals starting in 2011.

The iLives of Others

This one has become such an internecine pissing match, we prefer to stand back until the hazmat team mops up the room. The crux of the matter is whether AT&T can be sued for channeling all its Internet traffic through the NSA’s Big Brother machine — oh, and whether the Fourth Amendment has been rendered quaint by current events. Unicorn is promising a “thorough review by the Inspectors General” — strongly worded letters! — but our favorite passages in the Federalist Papers discuss the wisdom of not taking the benevolence of authority for granted.

Grab Your Flintlocks

The Second Amendment is the Third Rail of Stinque Re-education Sessions, and the hazmat team can handle only one mess at a time. Unicorn advises us to “act responsibly”, and we’ll be sure to have a Designated Shooter at our next bar brawl. But let’s be honest:

The Amendment’s prefatory clause announces a purpose, but does not limit or expand the scope of the second part, the operative clause… Like most rights, the Second Amendment right is not unlimited. It is not a right to keep and carry any weapon whatsoever in any manner whatsoever and for whatever purpose.

And now that we’re forced to agree with Scalia, J., we expect shortly our first sighting of flying pigs.

Yet Another Shill for Corporate America

STFU, Ralph. The Corvair was forty years ago.

Our conclusion? Look at the alternative. We’ve been expecting Unicorn to trim a few sails sooner or later, and while we may yet be obligated to include a signing statement with our November ballot, we’ve had far worse arguments with our in-laws.

Libertarian veep wannabe Wayne Allyn Root is no stranger to failure — he even wrote a book about it. But rather than go for the easy gag about The Joy of Failure, we figured that must be the tip of an iceberg filled with even easier gags.

We were not disappointed.

From Millionaire Republican: Why Rich Republicans Get Rich — and How You Can Too!:

There is a “Red Storm” brewing in America. Currently, the GOP controls the United States presidency, Congress, Senate, Supreme Court, and majority of governorships and statehouses. That will not change.

Publication date: 2005.

So, how does a guy who has been “rejected from law school, failed at real estate, lost an election, became an entertainment agent and was fired six months later, lost several jobs, and failed at numerous businesses in several different industries” finally succeed?

Gambling!

That’s right — all you need to do is start your own Vegas handicapping business, and soon you’ll be enjoying fame, fortune, palatial estates, trophy wives, and that black hole where your soul used to be.

But not to worry, Root remains a friend to failure. He’s the vice-presidential candidate because he lost the top spot to Bob Barr.

Milliionaire Republican [Amazon]

Vegas’ White House hope [Vegas Sun]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCljFYn3zTY

The George Carlin we grew up with — and deeply internalized — was not the Carlin of comedy albums and HBO specials, but the Carlin of Tonight Show appearances, a forum in which he had to work clean. Our Carlin was the Carlin of language, whose take on “jumbo shrimp” and “military intelligence” proved you could never take people at their word — or if you did, you’d best pay close attention.

The other Carlins we certainly admired once we discovered them, but they’re not the Carlin of our youth, the Carlin who to this day informs everything we say and write, the Carlin who taught us the delights of language itself. That Carlin we despaired of honoring online, until Harry Shearer found a clip that sums it up for us.

The best news this week is that Harry Shearer‘s impression of the marble-mouthed NBC patriarch has been given new life. If you want to play the home version, try speaking without consonants.

Meet the Press: Brokaw pulls a Brinkley, to go progressively senile during the 2008 campaign.

Face the Nation: Joe Lieberman (I-Eeyore) melts under the hot studio lights.

This Week: Honest to god, there’s a link that says “Curious About George?” Nominations are open for The Man With The Yellow Hat.

Late Edition: Accomplished exorcist, distinguished child abuser, testicle gourmand and Alfred E. Neuman impersonator Bobby Jindal strains our ability to maintain running gags.

Fox News Sunday: Bob Barr! Bob Barr! Bob Barr!

Guests and topics subject to change. Oh, we kid — it’s the same crap every week.

MTP, FTN, This Week, Late Edition, Barrtardia