We had intended to write a clever little post about how the U.S. Department of Labor’s History of Labor Day page neglects to mention the inspirational role of the Pullman Strike of 1894 in establishing the federal holiday that year.

But we ran into a glitch.

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Stephen Hawking has a new book, and here’s all you need to know about it:

God did not create the universe, world-famous physicist Stephen Hawking argues in a new book that aims to banish a divine creator from physics.

Hawking says in his book “The Grand Design” that, given the existence of gravity, “the universe can and will create itself from nothing,” according to an excerpt published Thursday in The Times of London.

If we might digress — which is purely a formality, since we’ll do it anyway — we’re reminded of our early years in America’s Godless Public Schools, when both the Big Bang and plate tectonics were considered stoner science (fifth-grade requirement), worth an obligatory mention but not really to be taken seriously. There was just something suspiciously dooooood about them.

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With the holiday weekend almost upon us, please enjoy this festive clip of The Former Vice War Criminal of These United States explaining exactly what would happen if Our Glorious Republic toppled Saddam Hussein.

In 1994.

What? Oh, we’re sorry. Turns out that’s not very festive at all. We regret our profound lapse in editorial judgment.

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Now that Talibunny-endorsed Joe Miller is the official Republican Senate nominee from the Great State of Reality-Television Casting, we thought we’d rectify an earlier omission and present for your viewing pleasure one of the more fascinating extended Northern Exposure references from the 2010 campaign season.

Our guest video descriptionist this morning is Sheryll, a Familiar claiming to be descended from Boye, Prince Rupert’s suspicious canine companion in the English Civil War.

Hi, I’m Sheryll! You may remember me from such recent videos as “I’m Not Helping Spike Strobe the Attic Lights,” “Spike Kicks Me Out of His Way Because He’s Working,” and “Spike Doesn’t Remember When I Turned Into a Hideous Salt Monster Because I Glamoured Him (Which Doesn’t Make Me a Vampire, Despite What You’ve Heard).” You also may remember me from last night, when I looked back at you from your mirror, although — mmmmmmmmm — you don’t remember that at all, do you? Course not. Never happened.

Anyway, I’ve been invited to describe Spike’s latest chef d’oeuvre (Yes, I speak French. Northern Minnesota’s this close to Quebec. If you don’t count Ontario), apparently because some people who won’t be named (don’t look in your mirrors tonight, chiennes) insist that this website cease and desist from posting them.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs9etDCc0Fk

Salon reports that “a Beck-narrated video displayed on the massive screens attempted to co-opt King’s story, calling attention to the supposed similarities between King’s struggle and Beck’s own vision for the future.” We don’t know whether this is the video in question, but it fits the description.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_ZCqlR79qw

Day 3. We’re starting to grow suspicious of Sheryll. As we were falling asleep, she was gently licking our mouth. But when we briefly opened our eyes, she had transformed into a hideous Salt Monster. We blinked — and she was a cute little dog again.

Our friends on the Night Crew at Target tell us we need to cut back on the Red Bull. But we can’t. Justin Bieber needs us.

And then, back in the attic, we thought, What if Sheryll isn’t what she appears to be? “Never you mind,” we heard. We snapped our head — and there was Sheryll with a bloody sock in her mouth.

That settled it. We’re switching to Snapple.