Did you see Barack Obama’s latest Shocking! poll numbers? No? Well, neither did we.

Oh, we saw the headlines, because as an Accidental Blogger, we’re supposed to pay some attention to that sort of thing. But as an Amateur Blogger, we have the luxury of ignoring it. Like most Americans.

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Our guest columnist is the nation’s second-greatest non-marching marching band.

Announcer: Ladies and steers, welcome to the first halftime show not to be broadcast on the Longhorn TV network. Presenting the Show Band of South Main, the Rice University Marching Owl Band!

Music: (drum intro)

MOB: “Go Rice!”

Field Action: Band enters the field from the sidelines.

Formation: S E C

Announcer: After decades of saying “goodbye” to “Texas University,” the Aggies. Finally. Left. Yes, it’s official. As of eight o’clock central daylight time, A&M announced its intent to join Satan’s Evil Conference. We congratulate the SEC and the Big Twelve, as both conferences improve their average IQ.

Formation: $ E C

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After offending anyone with a conscience by paying respect to a series of slightly manipulated My Little Pony clips, we now seek penance by offering an entirely manipulated Jonny Quest opening — now in glorious stop-motion!

It’s been awhile since we listened to the theme music, and we had completely forgotten how completely fucking bitchin’ it is — courtesy of composer Hoyt Curtin, also responsible for The Flintstones and The Jetsons.

What we didn’t know is that like The Flintstones and The Jetsons, Jonny Quest started as a prime-time series — which might explain the extra care taken with the theme.

Of course, none of this has anything to do with today’s Great National Holiday. Then again, neither does anything else.

Jonny Quest Fan Page [via Comics Alliance]

While America’s Top War Criminal makes the rounds this week before departing for a Secure, Undisclosed Location in Hell, WaPo’s Jonathan Bernstein ponders why he’s not festering in a Supermax somewhere, enjoying his very own live performance of Oz:

Would it have been worse had the government attempted to prosecute, only to fail to get guilty verdicts? This points to the complexity of the issue from the perspective of the incoming Obama administration in 2009.

Or you could just enforce the damn law.

Assuming one wants to prevent torture from returning, would prosecution have been the best step? Perhaps. Perhaps, however, it would have made things worse. Even successful prosecution, unfortunately, could create a backlash.

Or you could just enforce the damn law.

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Our guest columnist is Chapter 798 of the Florida Statutes.

798.01 Living in open adultery.—Whoever lives in an open state of adultery shall be guilty of a misdemeanor of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083. Where either of the parties living in an open state of adultery is married, both parties so living shall be deemed to be guilty of the offense provided for in this section.

798.02 Lewd and lascivious behavior.—If any man and woman, not being married to each other, lewdly and lasciviously associate and cohabit together, or if any man or woman, married or unmarried, engages in open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior, they shall be guilty of a misdemeanor of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083.

775.082 (4) A person who has been convicted of a designated misdemeanor may be sentenced as follows: (b) For a misdemeanor of the second degree, by a definite term of imprisonment not exceeding 60 days.

775.083 (1) A person who has been convicted of a noncriminal violation may be sentenced to pay a fine. Fines for designated crimes and for noncriminal violations shall not exceed: (e) $500, when the conviction is of a misdemeanor of the second degree or a noncriminal violation.

Unmarried? Living together? You’re breaking the law in Florida [McClatchy]

Green Valley man survives shears impaled in skull [Arizona Daily Star, via Nerdist]

Our guest columnist is Justice Joseph Gordon of the Illinois Appellate Court. The plaintiffs, who grew up in a $1.5 million home, were represented by their father.

Twenty-one-year-old Steven A. Miner II and 18-year-old Kathryn Miner, the children of Kimberly A. Garrity, brought suit against Garrity for “bad mothering.” Both sought damages in excess of $50,000 for intentional infliction of emotional distress and negligent infliction of emotional distress, as well as punitive damages…

Plaintiffs’ complaint alleges that on November 17, 1995, when Steven was seven and Kathryn was four, Garrity and their biological father were divorced. The father was granted sole custody of Steven. The parents had joint legal custody over Kathryn, who resided at her father’s house and had visitation with her mother.

According to the complaint, ever since the divorce, Garrity has “engaged in a course of conduct which has caused both the intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress to STEVEN and KATHRYN.” The complaint alleges that this conduct is fueled, in part, by Garrity’s desire to retaliate against her ex-husband, toward whom she harbors great animosity.

The complaint provides a lengthy list of the many ways in which Garrity allegedly inflicted emotional distress upon the plaintiffs, as follows:

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