In case we haven’t mentioned it yet, we have a master’s degree — in philosophy! — and as such, we’re highly trained in the fine art of bullshit.

But we don’t hold a candle to the professionals.

So we’ll note in passing that Shrub wants to resume offshore oil drilling and suck Alaska dry, which will increase oil consumption, which will boost global warming, which will benefit shoreline property values along the new Sea of Indiana.

Or, as the Washington Post inadvertently sums up in its news-brief headlines: Bush Backs Drilling. More Floods Feared.

However, what separates the men from the ABDs is this:

“I know the Democratic leaders have opposed some of these policies in the past,” Mr. Bush said. “Now that their opposition has helped drive gas prices to record levels, I ask them to reconsider their positions. If Congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without taking action, they will need to explain why $4-a-gallon gasoline is not enough incentive for them to act.”

Left unmentioned is — well, you don’t need us to tell you. And apparently you don’t need the Times to tell you either, nor anybody the Times quotes. Because of the 1,802 words in its story, not one of them is “Iraq”.

Bush Calls for End to Ban on Offshore Oil Drilling [NYT]

Bush Backs Drilling / More Floods Feared [WaPo]

Noted exorcist Bobby Jindal is expected to add “child abuser” to his political resume over the next few days, when he signs into law a new creationism bill.

The Louisiana legislature voted 130-3 to pass the bill, which encourages schoolteachers to lie to their students. Legislators expressed concern that state children ranked only 44th and 46th nationwide in reading and math, and feared that without immediate action scores might improve.

The three dissenting legislators are being held for observation at Cypress Psychiatric Hospital.

Creationism, which seeks to prove that marketing is superior to science, preys on America’s youth by recruiting legislators and school board members to pervert young minds. Experts consider it a leading cause of bullshit in American politics.

A spokesman for God said He was vacationing in Jamaica and could not be reached for comment.

Senate sends Jindal bill on evolution [Baton Rouge Advocate]

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Our apologies — we were taking notes for two separate posts, and somehow we got them mixed up. We hope you can sort them out.

“The more that homosexual activists wave their hijacked marriage licenses in people’s faces, the more people will say, ‘This isn’t right… What can I do about this?'” said Randy Thomasson, the founder of the Campaign for Children and Families.

“One of the things that have hurt the gay effort in California is the exhibitionism in San Francisco,” which doesn’t always play well elsewhere, said political analyst Tony Quinn.

“It’s a weird subject,” added [Kendall] Hamilton, 39, who plans to wed his partner of five years, Ray Paolantonio. “We want everybody to be free, but the image does matter… They are going to try to make us look like freaks.”

A pack of scary bridezillas took over New York City’s Times Square this week in the hope of winning $25,000 to put towards their weddings. Dressed in bridal gowns and veils, ten contestants clambered up a 10-foot cake, complete with 50 gallons of buttercream icing, in a bid to be first to the top.

Anyway, as we were about to say, anything that undermines the sanctity of marriage is an abomination and should be outlawed.

Gay couples are emphasizing low-key weddings [LAT]

Bridezillas take over Times Square [Marie Claire]

Wait… wait… okay. Dig this. It’s like, September, the Republicans are totally fucked, and they don’t even know whether the geezer will make it to November, much less January. So here’s what — dude, turn down the Phish, I’m having a major brain fart — here’s what they do.

They ditch him. Pull into a gas station, send him inside for some Sun Chips, drive off.

And then he’s like — hold on — no longer their nominee! They plug in Romney, or Colin, or Condi, or, um… Bloomberg. Yeah, Bloomberg. Dude’s fucking rich, he can buy a network to get his face out there, then flip it in November when he’s done.

I tell you, dude, I’m a fucking genius.

When McCain Drops Out [HuffPo]

Boumediene v. Bush, annotated.

• Guantanamo compared to Scotland. [Kennedy, 27]
• Inside jokes about Congress giving a shit about the Constitution. [Kennedy, 15; Roberts, 85; Scalia, 116]
• Berwick-Upon-Tweed apparently not Texas sodomy case. [Kennedy, 18; Scalia, 130]
• Killing Americans deemed “tolerable” under certain circumtances. [Scalia, 111]
• Fuck you. [Souter, 79, 80, 81, 82]
• No, fuck you. [Roberts, 84, 89, 104, 109]
• I said fuck you, sir. [Scalia, 110-134]
• John Yoo reacharound. [Scalia, 112]
• Friday’s WSJ editorial drafted. [Scalia, 111, 134]
• Catch-22, a novel about arbitrary authority and the absurdity of war, mentioned favorably in dissent. [Roberts, 106]

Boumediene v. Bush (pdf) [ScotusBlog, via Blogenfreude]

While we’re marking time until veep selections give us fresh targets to mock, we thought we’d take a moment to express our mad, passionate, wall-pounding, puppy-frightening, Brangelina-in-Africa love for Donna Brazile.

See, we watch CNN during election nights. We watch CNN because we can’t stand Chris Matthews live, and much prefer reading the Tweety recaps later. And when CNN rolls out the talking heads, Donna (oh, Donna, take us now!) is the head we listen to. She reminds us of our straight-talkin’ Fun Aunt, the one who doesn’t take shit at Thanksgiving and serves the most fantastic pineapple ham. (Incestuous allusions are solely the responsibility of the reader.)

Problem is, we know little about her. She’s a Superdelegate! who cannily kept her decision close to her vest throughout the primaries. (Compared to the other Supes! who were lamely waiting to jump on the train until it arrived. It’s our nuance, and we’re sticking with it.) She managed Al’s campaign in 2000. She runs a PR firm or something. And that’s about it.

We’ve been willing to preserve our fantasy and ignore brutal reality until this moment, but sooner or later you gotta send out the spies, if only to keep the prenup in order. So, as much as we don’t want to hear this, let’s see if we can find some dirt:

• Born December 1959, grew up in New Orleans. So both of us are younger than Madonna. Good.
• As a deputy field director for Dukakis, amid rumors of a Bush I concubine, she came out with a classic: “The American people have every right to know if Barbara Bush will share that bed with him in the White House.” Resignation immediately followed. Sassy!
• Donna to Colbert: “Look, I’m a woman, so I like Hillary. I’m black; I like Obama. But I’m also grumpy, so I like John McCain.” That’s the interview where he sets up a Kansas City rendezvous with her, which makes us extremely jealous.
• Got into a dustup with Teh Gheys over something or other in 2006, which may or may not be deeply ironic. We’ll sit that one out, although we may have to adjust our KC fantasies a tad.
• Owns Brazile & Associates, a DC consulting firm, which means there must be somebody nasty on the client list. Those oil spills don’t cover up themselves!

Well, we give up. There must be something to resent about her, but until somebody steps forward with photos of her drowning kitties in the Potomac, we’re sticking with our unrequited adoration.

We’ve lived our entire life within an hour of the Pacific Ocean, so generally we’re clueless about anything happening east of the Cascades Sierra Nevadas Washington Street. (We’ve moved a few times.) Which means when potential veepist Jim Webb shows up on the Daily Show, he’s new to our sheltered awareness. Dude seems to have the necessary qualifications — not black, not Hillary — and aside from the orange hair, we don’t see a problem. But just to make sure, we did some googling extensive research into The Man Who Would Be The Man Behind The Man:

• Vietnam vet: Fine, but we’re getting tired of making up for a criminal war by nominating its survivors to national office.
• Double agent: Not just a former Republican — a former Reagan Republican. Knows how to whistle the Blue Dogs.
• Honestly enjoys country music — no pandering required!
• Gun nut.
• An asshole you can love: when the new senator met President Bush, he reportedly refused to shake his hand. Bush asked Webb how his son was doing in Iraq, and Webb replied, “I’d like to get them out of Iraq, Mr. President.” “That’s not what I asked. How’s your boy?” Bush replied. The senator said, “That’s between me and my son, Mr. President.”
• Butch. Butch, butch, butch. No pansy big-city elitism in this Appalachian son.

Sure, there are few cranky things in his past that will displease the faithful (anti-Vietnam Memorial, pro-Tailhook), but if we’re looking for an LBJ to Unicorn’s JFK, this may be as good as it gets.

Jim Webb – a possible Obama veep? [Baltimore Sun]

Anyone but Webb [Slate]

The Jim Webb Story [NY Review]

Simple comment on Jim Webb as veep [The Atlantic]