Summer is Coming

“Ok,” the post began, “I need to say that this is the most ASININE thing I’ve seen yet.”

The caps were not ironic. More were to follow, and quickly.

“Went to Twisters Soft Serve Icecream,” it continued, “and ordered 2 doggie cups. Then I wanted a friggin icecream cone with jimmies — nope. Not allowed.”

You probably have questions. We know we did.

Twisters is a local establishment serving the fine people of Pittsburgh. It’s a seasonal business, closing each fall and reopening in the spring. This year’s reopening was May 1, but given the circumstances, new restrictions applied: masks, distancing, and “everything will be served in cups.”

You want a cone? They’ll put an empty one on top. Such are the times we live in.

“Thank you for understanding,” Twisters posted. Perhaps prematurely.

The customer was unhappy. “Have you EVER TRIED to flip a cup of jimmie-covered ice ream onto a cone??!!”

Couple of notes here. “Jimmies” are sprinkles, in case yours have never been rustled. And we wrestled with our conscience whether to correct “ream”, but we really want you to have the flavor of the thing.

Also, no: We have not attempted the Jimmie Flip. Maybe if it was a hard cone, we might try using it as a scoop. Granted, it wouldn’t be the full Jimmies Experience, but it would be something.

Let us be clear: We have not walked a mile in this man’s moccasins. What he is describing is beyond anything we have lived.

And he’s just getting started:

“I told the girl this is f stupid and I cannot eat it. Jimmies all came out; icecream all slopped. She can TOUCH the f cone with her BARE HANDS to put it upside down on the icecream but CANNOT hold it with a napkin to fill it up!!!! DAIRY QUEEN had NO ISSUE with making a NORMAL cone this week. It must be a scientific theiry that if a cone is touched by a bare hand but placed UPSIDE DOWN EMINTO icecream it cannot spread covid 19. If, however, it is rightside up with icecream swirled into it, well…..BEWARE!!! There’s covid in that swirl!!!! F RIDICULOUS!!”

Plus two angry-face emojis, because repetitive punctuation fails the imagination.

You’re forgiven if you mistake this for an improv comic trying out a Jack Nicholson rant from Five Easy Pieces. Although, after refreshing our memory with the clip, we’re now Team Waitress.

We’ve been living with this post for a few days now, the intensity of it, the spittling anger of it, the injustice of it. The man was denied his jimmies, and now there’s hell to pay.

Life doesn’t get much worse than that.

For him, anyway.

There are other lives lived in this land of ours, lives that encounter more than the heartbreak of wasted jimmies, lives that endure more than a frustrating visit to the local snack shop. There’s anger out there, the anger of generations, the anger of centuries, anger that people whose jimmies sometimes get rustled — like us, to be honest — can’t begin to fathom. And that anger is going to find its expression, pandemic be damned.

Summer is coming. It’s gonna be a hot one.

22 comments:

4:59 pm • Saturday • May 30, 2020

Curfew in Denver Saturday and Sunday nights. We’ll see how that goes.

10:49 pm • Saturday • May 30, 2020

@nojo: Flip a cop car for me.

12:04 am • Sunday • May 31, 2020

@JNOV: In my neighborhood the best I can do is harass a duck.

9:56 am • Sunday • May 31, 2020

NYT: “ Two Crises Convulse a Nation: A Pandemic and Police Violence”

Christ, not even the Times is bothering to bothsides it.

11:32 am • Sunday • May 31, 2020

@nojo: A Great Horned Owl got one of my ducks. Was that you?

11:32 am • Sunday • May 31, 2020

@nojo: This is what democracy looks like — when it fails.

12:22 pm • Sunday • May 31, 2020

I am so tired of people saying that the violent protests dishonor the people who have been lynched by the police. No.

We are expressing fear and outrage over how the police treat US. They lynch us. They lynch us. The government gives its tacit approval. Sometimes the approval is shouted. Fuck dog whistles. That shit is understood. It’s understood.

11:05 pm • Sunday • May 31, 2020

And then he bought an apple turnover only to discover it was actually cherry—WAAT??? CHERRY!!!

11:40 pm • Sunday • May 31, 2020

@¡Andrew!: IT’S THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN HIS LIFE.

3:06 am • Monday • June 1, 2020

Dude buried the lede: HE COULDA GONE TO DAIRY QUEEN! All good lunch pail carrying South Siders love them some DQ. Probably a transplant living in Squirrel Hill.

PS Jimmies are either chocolate or rainbow flavor.

3:18 am • Monday • June 1, 2020

Jimmies are chocolate. They’re chocolate.

11:20 am • Monday • June 1, 2020

Still almost eight months until Regime Change, should we be so lucky.

11:55 am • Monday • June 1, 2020

@nojo: I seem to recall another story about a tyrannical fascist megalomaniac hiding out in a basement bunker as ANTIFA super-troops closed in. At least that one ended well.

4:15 pm • Monday • June 1, 2020

Regardless of who is responsible for the looting and violence, what else can desperate people do? We’ve had decades of police terrorizing, harassing, and murdering people of color with impunity, followed by futile peaceful protests, followed by decades of failed police reforms.

The police cannot be reformed, that’s obvious. They think the videos are the problem, not the inhuman, systematic victimization of innocent men, women, and children.

Remember the guy that was laying face down on the pavement with his arms outstretched in compliance and surrender? The police shot him anyway.

There is nothing else the people can do in a society that doesn’t give a shit in the slightest about the lives of people of color, but openly weeps over smashed windows at the Gap.

Smear the victims, sneer at the protesters, blame the journalists for reporting on brutality and atrocities. That seems to be all that “centrist” America has got left now that the mask is off and the phony rhetoric about equality and freedom is dead.

We need a national Truth and Reconciliation commission if we’re going to make it out of this alive, rather than suffer a violent and chaotic Yugoslavia-style collapse.

4:25 pm • Monday • June 1, 2020

I’d like to see our soulless, lying Prezinazi AntiChrist say the contents of his twits to the protesters’ faces. What a despicable, pathetic, bullying coward.

1:40 am • Tuesday • June 2, 2020

@¡Andrew!: We’re not gonna get T&R. We’re gonna get “let’s put this unpleasantness behind us” again. Maybe some watered-down reforms here and there.

You don’t get T&R without power, and there we face demographics again, as well the tyrannical system that gives us the Senate, the Electoral College, and the Supreme Court.

But you don’t get peace without justice, either. However long this lasts — and given the economic and seasonal conditions, I’m not sure what stops it — it’ll return, just like it has throughout my life, starting with Watts.

12:21 pm • Tuesday • June 2, 2020

It’s so appropriate that the Bie-bel held by Tr666p was upside down and backwards–just like American Christianity! He doesn’t Bie-bel good.

The only question at this point is whether the American military will follow Prezinazi AntiChrist’s illegal orders and join the police in attacking American citizens.

Unfortunately, we already know the answer.

3:52 pm • Wednesday • June 3, 2020

Wow

There is another aspect of Donald Trump’s popularity among his followers. There is something terribly reassuring to a certain type of person that one can be stupid and lazy and so openly unpleasant and still become president of the United States. By comparison Barack Obama had to be a saint. He had to be perfect, Harvard-educated and wise. But Trump’s white supporters hated him intensely. Trump restores a certain type of faith in white supremacy for his supporters because someone as stupid and bad and lazy and evil as Trump can become president of the United States. Trump’s supporters now know that the worst of them can still be president. That must be terribly reassuring.

Donald Trump’s narcissism and other mental pathologies exactly match the collective pathology of white nationalists. Trump is a natural-born white supremacist because in any other context he is an idiot and a psychopath.

8:18 pm • Wednesday • June 3, 2020

I can’t get over the fact that the cops gassed the clergy to clear them out for Prezinazi AntiChrist’s Bie-bel photo op on Monday.

Again, they gassed the clergy!!!

Now, Tr666p’s Evilungelical Despicables don’t consider Episcopalians (or Cathaholics, or Methodists, etc) to be legitimate Christians, but still.

Very reminiscent of that scene in The Handmaid’s Tale:

OFGLEN: “The war is going well, I hear. They’ve defeated more of the rebels.”
OFFRED: “Praise be. What were they?”
OFGLEN: “Baptists.”

11:30 pm • Wednesday • June 3, 2020

Here’s an idea: What if we did a massive
Australian-style, nationwide gun buy-back program?
The government would pay fair market value and also turn in an equal number of their guns. It’d help solve the depression by acting as an incredible economic stimulus, while simultaneously taking millions of weapons out of circulation and saving countless lives; it’s a win—win.

1:07 am • Thursday • June 4, 2020

@¡Andrew!: Same reason we can’t carry out a hundred other good ideas: We lack the political will.

12:30 pm • Thursday • June 4, 2020

Looking at the photos of the police and national guard carrying out these attacks on peaceful protestors, we can clearly see lots of black and brown faces.

So, we have people of color attacking people of color in order to ensure that the white police can harass, terrorize, and murder their own communities.

What the everliving fuck is wrong with people in the police and the military???

“After decades of waging war across the planet, the U.S. empire is waging war directly on its own people.”
— Ben Norton

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