Additional Cybertruck Safety Features

“[The Cybertruck] doesn’t have a brake pedal. Why? We didn’t have to do that. It doesn’t need one.”
–Elon Musk

  • You’ll feel no pain when your head smashes into the shatterproof windshield.
  • Framed notarized certificate and titanium wallet card declaring your dick isn’t that small.
  • The optional Westworld android to cheat the diamond lane during your commute definitely won’t kill you.

  • Free courtesy liability coverage that indemnifies the manufacturer.
  • The slight unpleasantness of your first transforming experience will be offset by the comfort of knowing your consciousness is now an Autobot forever.
  • Padded cupholders.
  • You don’t need seatbelts when you’re released into the wormhole to Vega.
  • You’ll be too blissed out by the 5.1 soundsystem to care about the schoolchildren you just mowed down.
  • You’ll emerge from the fiery wreckage as Dr. Manhattan.
  • Software never fails!

4 comments:

9:08 pm • Sunday • November 24, 2019

Actually, some or all electric cars have regenerative braking which is a matter of letting go of the “go”/”gas”/”zoom” pedal.

My Nissan Leaf can do that too, but not as well so I have use the brake pedal like a normal car. I drove a newer Leaf which does have a more powerful regenerative braking mode which allows for one pedal driving, but I didn’t like it (grumpy old man who doesn’t like change.)

However, it is Musk being Musk. And that Truck comes out of some dystopian movie where the world is run by arrogant quasi libertarian oblivious dickbag tech bros… uh, kind of like today.

11:14 pm • Sunday • November 24, 2019

@ManchuCandidate: In the interview excerpt I stole this from, Musk is clearly bragging about a superior algorithm that handles the vehicle better than a human would. Which, sure, five-nines quality, let’s grant him that. But with each vehicle on the road, with each mile traveled, you’re drawing closer to the statistical threshold. And there’s nothing statistically required that you reach all five nines before encountering the catastrophic exception.

1:23 am • Monday • November 25, 2019

@nojo:
I don’t trust the pooter algorithm. Won’t even watch any Harry Potter movies while letting the Pooter drive. Unlike the Pooter I have never driven into a parked truck at 70mph.

12:36 am • Thursday • November 28, 2019

The news is such a despairing ordeal every day that on this Thanksgiving Eve, I’d just like to mention that I’m thankful for:

Family and friends;
Cats and dogs and all of our fur babies;
The very seXXXy men of the Pacific Northwest;
Living in a free society;
Dolly Parton;
The incredible courage of people all over the world in confronting cruel, tyrannical, kleptocratic regimes, such as those in China, Chile, Israel, Turkey, Russia, Saudi Arabia, and the United States, to name a few.

We all share the same struggle.

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