The 2019 State of the Union Drinking Game

  • Trump shows up: Drink
  • Trump opens his mouth: Drink
  • A stream of bats issue from Trump’s open mouth: Drink

  • Members of Congress, invited guests, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and attending Justices are covered in bat guano: Drink
  • Mike Pence licks off Brett Kavanaugh’s bat guano: Drink
  • The ceiling of the House opens up, revealing The Lord in His Fury: Drink
  • The Lord looks like Mister Rogers: Drink
  • “You have not been good neighbors,” saith The Lord: Drink
  • The Lord smothers the American government with His Almighty Cardigan of Righteousness, leaving Designated Survivor Rick Perry to lead a chastened nation: Drink
  • Turns out you were watching Infinity War instead: STOP DRINKING

53 comments:

6:23 pm • Sunday • February 3, 2019

It probs goes without saying, but Elizabeth Warren/Kamala Harris would be my all-time dream ticket. Would’t it be completely crazy if the worst presidency in our history is immediately followed by the best?

12:01 am • Monday • February 4, 2019

I’m trying to figure out how to time it so I don’t actually have to hear any of the word salad coming out of Mango Mussolini’s mouth, yet be able to still be semi-sober by the time Stacey Abrams comes on the teevee to deliver the Democratic Party’s response (praise Jeebus it isn’t Nancy & Chuck awkwardly standing side-by-side at a podium).

2:05 pm • Monday • February 4, 2019

@SanFranLefty: There’s just no way I can listen to Prezinazi AntiChrist’s sneering, whining, hateful voice and subsequent word vomit without punching my fist through the teevee.

He’ll either bullshit his way through it or sound like a hostage-taker reading a prepared statement to the FBI, so hard pass on the STFU.

I am stoked about Stacey Abrams’ response, and I expect it’s gonna be an industrial strength dose of truth to power.

9:29 pm • Monday • February 4, 2019

PJ in blackface
Squi in the hood

10:44 pm • Monday • February 4, 2019

My dream ticket is Amy Klobuchar and Sherrod Brown.

ETA: I’m starting to dig Mike Bennet.

10:48 pm • Monday • February 4, 2019

@¡Andrew! and Lefty: Yeah. Maybe someone will cut his mic after 20 minutes; then Stacey can drop it.

10:49 pm • Monday • February 4, 2019

@¡Andrew!: Oh, hey! Thanks for the link. Life is kind of sideways, but I love my sweet darling. I’m always touched when you think of me. Always.

11:07 pm • Monday • February 4, 2019

Meanwhile as a native of South Texas, these spit takes and comments on Dana Perino’s “look at me, I made queso” are giving me life.

https://twitter.com/danaperino/status/1092204647220158464?s=21

12:08 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@JNOV: I have no idea what suddenly brought Michael Bennet to life, he being my senator and all for the past two years, and having absolutely nothing interesting to say.

I follow him on Twitter and everything, y’know. Regular snoozefest, until there’s chatter he might run, and you can feel the calculation triggering. He’s a dependable vote and all that, but there’s something I don’t trust here.

Hickenlooper, sure, makes sense. In character. Bennet? Right now I don’t even trust his showboating Senate outburst. Something ain’t right.

12:13 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Gotta love how someone’s tryin’ to make Adam Levine’s nips a thing. Priorities, right?

Those fugly ass tattoos are Exhibit A for What Not To Do. Put some thought into your tats, kidz.

I’ve seen some truly beautiful tattoo art: one was on a young man whose body was etched with very fine navy blue pinstripes, like a couture suit, that gracefully began at his feet and culminated at the nape of his neck. Unfortunately, the stripes came together to form a girl’s name in calligraphy, and you just know they broke up within a week of him showing off that astoundingly expensive ink, yet stunning nonetheless.

Another was a flowering Japanese vine design on a muscle bear at my gym that lavishly twisted and turned to highlight the shape of his bulging muscularity and fur in all the right places (total struggle to keep my tongue in my mouth on that one, ass hound that I am. I’m sure he never gets tired of men following him around while drooling. On the other hand, why show off if he doesn’t enjoy the attention? Wouldn’t I, if I looked like that? I digress).

I had a point? Oh right, yes, so the best tattoo art considers the whole person in interrelated presentation and message, unified by common themes. Also, a truly talented professional (and a whole lotta $$$$) can create amazing body art. And lastly, no one gives even the slightest fuck about Maroon 5’s nips.

12:13 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@JNOV: from your lips to FSM’s ears. Too much to hope she shoves the mike up his something-something.

12:15 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

So someone remind me when this clusterfuck begins? Pacific time?

12:19 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Maybe we’re all trapped in what Douglas Adams called a “chronic historisis,” and it never happened? I’m going with that.

12:39 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@SanFranLefty: 6pm PT.

Which is how I still think, I don’t care what the clocks in Denver say.

11:52 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@nojo: Just started reading Hickenlooper’s (really?) Wiki page. Yeah, he’s massaging his background.

1. Hickenlooper was born in Narberth, Pennsylvania, a middle-class area of the suburban Main Line of Philadelphia.

HAHAHAHAHA! Middle class my ass. Think The Philadelphia Story, and you’ll get an idea of his middle-class roots.

2. A 1970 graduate of The Haverford School, an independent boys school in Haverford, Pennsylvania… .

A single mother could afford The Haverford School? Please see comment under point 1.

I don’t like him already.

Michael Bennet: We all bloom at different times. ;)

11:55 am • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@SanFranLefty: I love her.

So, the response – does the responding team get a copy of the speech (i.e. word salad) before the response is written? If not, is it really a response?

12:09 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@¡Andrew!: I need someone to touch up the tat my brother did, when he was hiiiiiigh, in a hotel room in Ocean Shores. I love my brother, but…

12:10 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@JNOV: I’m hoping she’ll land on screen with a beret and a manifesto.

Add: And a bazooka.

1:29 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@JNOV: Yes, I moved to a state with a governor straight out of Firesign Theatre. How can I not love the thought of President Hickenlooper, Citizen Craft Brewer?

1:32 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@JNOV: I’m going to guess that the responders somehow get the same embargoed text the media gets — not long before the event itself. So, no, not a response as such, more like dueling statements.

7:47 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@SanFranLefty: She put cream of mushroom soup in that slop. That’s worse than raisins in potato salad.

7:48 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@SanFranLefty: I’ve signed up for a text message that will let me know when Mango Mussolini is done and Stacey is up.

9:08 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Official Designated Survivor: Rick Perry.

If only I used my awesome power for good.

9:20 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@nojo: Ugh

@Mistress Cynica: That’s a good idea. I have the TV on mute, I’m looking for homemade duckling ration recipes, and I look up from time to time to see the expression on Nancy’s face.

9:31 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Grassley taking a nap.

9:35 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

JAPAL! JAYAPAL!

9:36 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Hey – what’s that silver thing in front of Nancy? Kind of to her left.

9:38 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Oh, Nancy is shaking her head.

9:39 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Kamala shaking her head.

9:40 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Gillibrand needs to go away.

9:40 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Nancy shakes her head again – this must be bad.

9:43 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Is Abdullahi Omar crying?

9:49 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Ted Cruz looks like a bat with a beard.

9:56 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Pence has interesting hair – kind of plastic looking. Like those old action figures.

10:01 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

That Not Jefferson Beauregard Sessions dude reminds me of Joe the Plumber.

10:03 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Designated Cancer Survivor

10:35 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Just turned it on. Jesus Fuck, is he still talking? OMG the sea of Democratic women in white and Dem men sitting on their hands is an amazing visual. And Nancy’s cocked eyebrow – hope she got extra Botox this morning.

10:37 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Oh praise 8 pound 7 ounce Baby Jeebus, the shitshow is over!

10:41 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@SanFranLefty: I just turned on the TV. What are they talking about? War and investigation?

10:44 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

I mean, just turned on the sound on the TV.

I’ve been looking up some lady who wants to pick up a dog stair thing I bought for Joy when she had her knee surgery – this lady has a FB page devoted to her pet opossum. I guess that’s not weird. The weird thing is I found an article where someone with the same name and in the area reported picking up human tissue on the train tracks in the town over. Er…

STACEY!

10:45 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Happy Lunar New Year from the Dems!

10:49 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Oh Stacey!

10:49 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Abrams has the happiest eyes ever.

10:55 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

Quoting the oath, yeah!

11:11 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

How do I get to Boom Island this weekend?

11:12 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

LOLOLOL Trolling AOC – trolling with the truth.

11:29 pm • Tuesday • February 5, 2019

@SanFranLefty: Happy Lunar New Year!

11:11 pm • Wednesday • February 6, 2019

The Nancy clapping memes are giving me life.

10:04 am • Thursday • February 7, 2019

@SanFranLefty: She’s denying that it was disrespectful — but that’s what she’s supposed to do. The wink is implicit.

12:29 pm • Thursday • February 7, 2019

Prezinazi AntiChrist Freudian slipped and yelled the quiet part loud again, in case anyone’s wondering why the Evilungelical ChrISIStians still have their amoral lips firmly attached to Jabba’s yuge a-s-s.

Trump credits the faithful for the ‘abolition of civil rights’ at National Prayer Breakfast

https://www.rawstory.com/2019/02/trump-credits-faithful-abolition-civil-rights-national-prayer-breakfast/

11:08 pm • Thursday • February 7, 2019

Welp. Picking up a snow shovel and food tomorrow, and I’ve got 100% CMA Ice Melt (that shit is hard to find), coming next week.

Watching an Orca carry her dead calf for 17 days changed me.

Ecotone

I don’t know if they’ll salt the streets in Seattle. I think they should do something to protect human life, and if it must be salt, it must be salt.

Everything good is dying.

11:10 pm • Thursday • February 7, 2019

@¡Andrew!: That was classic! Stay warm, hun.

1:44 am • Friday • February 8, 2019

so have you read Stacey Abrams in Foreign Affairs kicking ass & taking names on “identity politics”?

Strap in

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