Plus Opening Act

Eat your potatoes.

This is a rush transcript.

MODERATOR: Welcome to the 2016 Vice Presidential Debate!

KAINE: Da fuq?

PENCE: How’d we get here?

KAINE: I was gathering nuts for winter when I was kidnapped.

PENCE: I was on the shitter and there was this bright light.

KAINE: Aliens?

PENCE: Maybe? One of them wiped my ass.

KAINE: What say we go out for beers?

PENCE: Sounds like a plan.

MODERATOR: Thank you, gentlemen. Whatever their political differences, I’m sure all Americans can agree this was a complete waste of time.


I love the idea of America’s Dad Tim Kaine picking up the phrase “da fuq” from his twentysomething children. Will folks be tuning in tonight?

@mellbell: I’ll be watching, but wishing it was the Town Hall.

Race Bannon Pence hopes to do a better job than the previous veep candidates morons.

Biden did a massive beatdown on both Simple Sarah (who hasn’t been seen in a while) and Paul “Smartest Man in Dumbfuckville” Ryan.

Every time I see Kaine I wanna break into a Chipmunks chorus.

As expected, you’re not missing anything.

Kaine was a fucking squirrel on speed. Since the debate started at 6 pm PDT, I was stroking out driving home listening to him on NPR, used my fancy Siri voice-activated texting to send messages to everyone on the east coast asking “Please tell me he looked better on the teevee?” Universal response was a nope.

Pence scares the motherfucking everlasting living shit out of me. Because he sounds like grandpa when he says horrifying things, sort of like Saint Ronnie. I am now paranoid (I spent an hour today with my shrink discussing my tendency to catastrophize and election anxiety disorder [EAD]) that Trump will find some excuse to drop out, and then we have the second coming of Ronnie running against Hillbot.

You heard it here, from your catastrophizing Cassandra.

/Peace out, bitchez.

Or as the kidz say these days, “Da fuq?”

@SanFranLefty: If Trump drops out, there’s no time for Pence to get grounded, especially after a week of nonstop Why Trump Quit coverage.

Only risk now is that Hillary remains a conventionally awful candidate. Luckily, she has an historically awful opponent.

Would’ve been better with pepper spray and a sword fight.

@SanFranLefty: No te preocupes. Trump is too much of a deranged megalomaniac to quit. Besides, Bill Clinton goaded Trump into running in order to get Hillary elected. The only way to get voters to eat the shit sandwich of another Clintonian kleptocracy is to offer a bubonic plague sandwich as the alternative. It’s just marketing.

Well, it appears that Kaine baited Pence into providing clips for a great new ad:

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